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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Walk away - is the emotional manipulation?

114 replies

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 11:42

Where do I start? I hope you can help. Please be kind my MH is not great.

I’m due to be married in the summer.
2nd time around for both. He has two kids, 20&18. We live apart due to work but see each other every weekend. I did live with him briefly when his children were smaller. We’ve been together 8 years.

His DD (20) has been incredibly unkind to me. She had a reputation at school for being a bully. I didn’t ever get involved
as not my place to but I do feel her parents
have allowed this behaviour by never addressing it. My fiancé refuses to speak to me about the unkind way she’s treated me and on the occasion I asked him to face up to her actions he said I was entirely to blame and shouted and yelled at me. It’s outing to say what the issue was over but there is photographic evidence of it being her unkindness to me.

I know she’s his DD and therefore it’s difficult but this is not an ambiguous situation, it’s incredibly clear. I’m not asking him to choose, I’ve come to terms with it but just acknowledge it and not blame me.

He’s like this with other elements of his life. I am last on his list of priorities. His work, friends, hobbies all take priority and if I ever say anything he literally starts shouting almost immediately and coming out with silly accusations of things I’m supposed to have said that is untrue.

I tried to talk last night about feeling bottom of the pile. He started to shout so I said I was going home. I asked him to call me when he was ready to talk and not shout or blame me.

I am prepared to walk away and I’ve told him so. I do love him but does this sound like he’s emotionally manipulating me?

I’m so confused. I’ve tried to keep it as short as I can while not drip feeding. There is a lot of background. I’m not overly needy.

OP posts:

LilLilLi · 26/02/2023 11:43

Please do not marry this man.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/02/2023 11:45

He sounds horrible and I’m not sure what you get out of the relationship to be honest? Why are you marrying him? Why is he marrying you? It doesn’t sound like he likes you very much.

Original poster

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 11:45

Would you walk away from the relationship? There are good times.

OP posts:

Nimbostratus100 · 26/02/2023 11:46

you sound unhappy in the relationship, so surely you end it?

Newyearnewhome · 26/02/2023 11:47

He’s making you miserable right now.

He has shown he is unwilling to change.

if you marry him, you are signing up to being treated like this for the rest of your life. Do you want to keep feeling this way?

I wish someone had told me this before I married. Nothing will change. You deserve so much better.

LilLilLi · 26/02/2023 11:48

Yes I would walk away, it’s normal to focus on the good times but someone who abuses you only 1% of the time is still an abuser.

He doesn’t prioritise you, your feelings don’t matter to him, you can’t communicate with him without him shouting at you. You deserve better than this.

Mabelface · 26/02/2023 11:48

I wouldn't just walk away, I'd run for the bloody hills, love. He's abusive.

DancingFerret · 26/02/2023 11:50

Please Google "gaslighting". This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship; IMO you should metaphorically pick up your skirts and run. It's a jungle out there, but the world is still full of good people.

NattyNamechanger · 26/02/2023 11:50

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 11:45

Would you walk away from the relationship? There are good times.

Walk away?
I would be like Usain Bolt !

LadyLaLaa · 26/02/2023 11:51

Please do not marry this man.

Original poster

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 11:51

I am in the position where I could end it, but apart from work, I have few friends and he is the biggest part of my life. I do love him and have been happy thinking about our future but feel like I’m deluding myself. He’s great as long as go along with what he wants to do. Any boat rocking at all and the shouting starts.

OP posts:

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 11:52

My fiancé refuses to speak to me about the unkind way she’s treated me and on the occasion I asked him to face up to her actions he said I was entirely to blame and shouted and yelled at me

And you're marrying this prince among men? good luck, is all I can say.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 11:54

There are good times

Well, that's nice. You can sit and think about those when your SD is abusing you and your DH is yelling at you that it's all your fault. I'm sure the memories will make up for that.

Look - I had good times with my ex. Didn't stop him being a lying cheating arse I was glad to see the back of.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2023 11:54

I would think that any good times happen only on his terms and or when he is in a good mood. Apart from that these are likely now much further and fewer between.

You already know you are last on his priority list and marrying him will not change your status in that respect.

What is there to love about this man; he is treating you abysmally here and those are not the actions of a loving man. Would you tolerate a friend treating you like this, no you would not and he is no different. Are you mixing up love with codependency?.

Walk away from this mess of a relationship now before you are further hurt emotionally. This is not a nice man and his DD is out of that same abusive mould; he won't support you in her presence either.

SherlockStones · 26/02/2023 11:55

It won't magically get better if you marry actually will most likely get worse

You should get out now, no amount of good times mixed in is worth sacrificing your MH over

LilLilLi · 26/02/2023 11:55

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 11:51

I think you would benefit from speaking to Women’s Aid. Walking on eggshells for the rest of your life to avoid him shouting at you is not a life.

Being single would be better than being with this man, please don’t cling to him just because you’re scared of being alone.

flabbygoldfish · 26/02/2023 11:58

The only reason you appear to be staying with him is to avoid been alone.

If you are up for a subservient life and be bottom of the pile (this won’t change when you are married, it will get worse) then crack on.

you sound better than this, I appreciate 8 years is a long time to invest in a relationship but it reeks of cost sunk fallacy. Make a list of why you should stay, why you should go and decide from there.

I personally could not live with a man like your DP.

Original poster

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 12:00

It’s only midday but I left around 9 last night and it’s been radio silence since. I haven’t contacted him either but my final words were “when you’re ready to talk and not shout, I’ll listen”.

You’re all right and thank you for the support. It’s easy to say leave him but we have a lot of entanglement even though we live apart. Not impossible though. I’m reading and very interested to hear from anyone who’s been in similar situations. I’m very unsure what to do.

OP posts:

Lysianthus · 26/02/2023 12:01

Presumably he is the biggest part of your life because you choose to spend time with him, over other friendships. When you, and I really hope you will, leave him, you will free up so much time to join Meet Up groups (or similar) and rebuild those important relationships.

He's not nice. He's not kind. Your are not his priority, so walk away. Don't let him promise you the earth once he realises you are serious. He won't change. Perhaps his daughter is a chip off the old block?

Block him everywhere and move on, and up.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2023 12:01

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

I also doubt you have been truly happy thinking about your future because there really is not one with this individual; a man whose adult DD also shouts at you. You are deluding yourself if you think there is at all a happy future with this man.

Do not be afraid to be on your own. Its better than being with him or otherwise legally tied through marriage to a man like this. You'll be on a one way track to the divorce courts after 12 months.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 12:01

I personally could not live with a man like your DP

I've got alarm bells clanging so hard they're deafening, and I'm only reading about him, not intending to marry him.

Bunnyishotandcross · 26/02/2023 12:01

Would you generally let another adult in your life abuse you op? He is standing by and actually contributing to the abuse you receive
.
Dump his horrible arse today.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 12:04

I haven’t contacted him either but my final words were “when you’re ready to talk and not shout, I’ll listen”

If you can hold your nerve and not get in touch, I suspect the amount of time he takes to contact you (if he ever does) will be your answer; because this sounds like a man who doesn't talk. You say his daughter is a bully - sounds to me like a trait she's learned somewhere. I wonder where that could be.

Original poster

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 12:07

His DD is no longer a part of my life. When she chose to do as she did I told him I no longer wanted anything to do with her. He sees her regular and of course I have no issue with this. She is invited to the wedding of course and I will be polite but she’s an adult and she doesn’t need a step mother and I don’t need a step daughter.

Just saying this as she’s no longer abusive as I don’t see her.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 26/02/2023 12:08

From you post it’s unclear why you are in the relationship and planning to marry him.
Other than - you don’t have friends and don’t have anyone else in your life.
I don’t think despair at being among is a good reason to stay in a relationship.

As to the relationship itself - it’s never easy to judge from the outside with only one side of the story. What is clear is that you aren’t well matched.
He seems to have more of a life - kids, friends, hobbies - and he probably needs a partner with a more full life who won’t be needing him to ‘prioritise’ them.
Your life isn’t as full - and you want him to fill it up.
And I think this is more at the core of your issues - rather than him being evil or you being needy.

As to his kids being difficult with you - most likely a complicated issue for both his kids and you.

But marrying is a huge mistake for the two of you.

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