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Original poster

Walk away - is the emotional manipulation?

114 replies

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 11:42

Where do I start? I hope you can help. Please be kind my MH is not great.

I’m due to be married in the summer.
2nd time around for both. He has two kids, 20&18. We live apart due to work but see each other every weekend. I did live with him briefly when his children were smaller. We’ve been together 8 years.

His DD (20) has been incredibly unkind to me. She had a reputation at school for being a bully. I didn’t ever get involved
as not my place to but I do feel her parents
have allowed this behaviour by never addressing it. My fiancé refuses to speak to me about the unkind way she’s treated me and on the occasion I asked him to face up to her actions he said I was entirely to blame and shouted and yelled at me. It’s outing to say what the issue was over but there is photographic evidence of it being her unkindness to me.

I know she’s his DD and therefore it’s difficult but this is not an ambiguous situation, it’s incredibly clear. I’m not asking him to choose, I’ve come to terms with it but just acknowledge it and not blame me.

He’s like this with other elements of his life. I am last on his list of priorities. His work, friends, hobbies all take priority and if I ever say anything he literally starts shouting almost immediately and coming out with silly accusations of things I’m supposed to have said that is untrue.

I tried to talk last night about feeling bottom of the pile. He started to shout so I said I was going home. I asked him to call me when he was ready to talk and not shout or blame me.

I am prepared to walk away and I’ve told him so. I do love him but does this sound like he’s emotionally manipulating me?

I’m so confused. I’ve tried to keep it as short as I can while not drip feeding. There is a lot of background. I’m not overly needy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 12:09

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain Thank you, you’re right. I just need to hold my nerve and not cave in. He will give me the answer I need.

I guess his DD learned from him. Never thought of it that way.

OP posts:
Crunchingleaf · 26/02/2023 12:11

I think you need to picture your life in 5,10,15 years time. Do you want to spend all those years walking on eggshells. Losing yourself more and more so you can try and avoid his temper.
Honestly OP are you truly happy.

Bunnyishotandcross · 26/02/2023 12:11

When his dd has dc you will be yet again dragged back into her drama imo.

DowntonCrabby · 26/02/2023 12:12

Walk away, you deserve much better than this and will thrive in your new independent life. Flowers

strawberry2017 · 26/02/2023 12:14

If you continue in this relationship your life will be miserable. He's never going to chose you over his daughter. He already lets her abuse you what makes you think it will get better. She's an adult not a child.
You barely see each other and live separately to me I would be walking away and looking for someone who respects me.

Original poster
Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 12:14

I’m not completely friendless. I have one close friend who doesn’t understand why I’m with him at all. But then again, she’s with a bloke I can’t stand either 😆

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 12:14

When she chose to do as she did I told him I no longer wanted anything to do with her

What if he wants her to visit with (hypothetical) GCs? what if he wants you all to go on holiday together? (I'll admit I have no idea what being a SM is like, let alone to adult children, but it strikes me in that sort of situation you'll have to be very firm about your boundaries from the get go).

Original poster
Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 12:17

Sorry to be totally clear, I don’t expect or want him to choose her over me. There is no choice - I only wanted him to acknowledge what she did and not blame me.

If/when GC appear I doubt I’ll be involved. I don’t want to be and she won’t want me to be.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 26/02/2023 12:22

I am last on his list of priorities.

Don't marry him. You sound incredibly unhappy, understandably so.

Marrying him won't bring about the happy future you're imagining. That is not real. You're ignoring what's in front of you and deluding yourself with a fantasy future.

Walk away, call it off.

You need to choose yourself.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 12:23

Sorry, it all sounds like bloody hard work emotionally on your part for something that's supposed to make you happy; and if you were happy would you be posting?

His DD bullies you, he won't deal with that, shouts at you and blames you for it, you aren't a priority in his life, you can't talk to him about any of this or presumably, anything without being shouted at and you've had to threaten to walk away to get him to talk to you....what compelling reason do you have to marry him? I notice you mention 'I love him' almost as an afterthought. What's lovable about him?

Ladyofthesea · 26/02/2023 12:24

So it's only nice and fun when you do what he wants and otherwise he shouts? That's abusive that is. You shouldn't want to live like this, you'll be miserable. Forget him. Call the wedding off. Download the meet up app and go to meetups (persevere for a long while) to meet more local friends.

Blueuggboots · 26/02/2023 12:24

Do not marry him!!! Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't prioritise you?

RattlewhenIwalk · 26/02/2023 12:28

I'd sooner be on my own that commit myself to that sort of behaviour for the rest of my life.

Cut your losses, it shouldnt be that difficult.

category12 · 26/02/2023 12:29

I don't know why you're considering getting more entangled with this guy.

Of course there are good times, but marrying him would be silly.

Your friend is right, maybe you're right about her partner too, but she's definitely right about yours 😁

Other men are available. I'd pick another one.

Spottycarousel · 26/02/2023 12:30

Don't marry him. Things will get worse.

Madamecastafiore · 26/02/2023 12:37

So you don't mind someone who's supposed to love and cherish you shouting at you?? How about a stranger in the street? Or do you expect more care and respect from someone who doesn't even know you.

Come on OP untangle yourself, go and find someone nice who treats you with respect and listens to you.

LemonTT · 26/02/2023 12:40

It doesn’t matter whether “you accept he won’t chose you over her”. He doesn’t trust you. That’s why he he didn’t believe your version of events. He fundamentally has a poor opinion of you.

He has told you he isn’t willing to change anything about his life for you.

I am not sure how much pretence there is here. Other than the fact you are both denying the obvious. The lack of trust cannot be overcome. Even if the truth was exposed for all to see.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 12:41

go and find someone nice who treats you with respect and listens to you

Or stay single, even for a bit, and live your life without being shouted at, bullied and ignored.

Original poster
Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 12:45

It’s unanimous but you only have my side and I’m sure his version would be different. It’s not always bad, we do have good times. I’ve obvs only listed the bad stuff.

Meeting someone else is not even a factor, I’m absolutely not interested in meeting another man. I’d be more worried about only having a few friends, albeit very good ones.

Sorry should have also mentioned, although we’re independent financially he earns a lot more than I do but never ever treats me, we always go 50/50 on everything. I don’t expect anything from him money wise but he is very mean and selfish. I think If I was the high earner I’d treat him occasionally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 12:47

Blimey, staying single all the way!!!

If I don’t sort this out I certainly won’t be heading into another relationship!!

OP posts:
flabbygoldfish · 26/02/2023 12:49

Actions are what is important here, what does he contribute (bring) to the relationship? Could he do more? He is bringing his best to ensure you stick around?

category12 · 26/02/2023 12:50

It makes more sense to work on building a wider social circle and new friendships/acquaintances, than it does to do the easy but ultimately wrong thing of marrying a guy who is mean, shouty and doesn't have your back. You'll be lonelier in the marriage in the end than you ever would be single.

Who gives a shit what his "side" of the relationship is? The problem is, you're not actually happy and it's not a good relationship for you. It doesn't really matter if he thinks that's your fault rather than his.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 12:53

Why haven't you listed the good stuff? you've now added that despite being a high earner he's also mean.

You know what I think, OP? (apart from what I've already posted). I think you are really struggling to articulate the good stuff because actually, there isn't that much; certainly nothing that cancels out the bad things. It seems to me that something is screaming at you that you really need to get out of this relationship, hence the list of downsides and none of the upsides (which, given how you've described him), would have to be considerable not to have me running for the hills.

When I had a situation I was unsure about I sat down and listed the pros and the cons. Seeing it written down (with in my case a list of cons that were WAY larger than the list of pros) really helped crystallise my thinking.

but you only have my side and I’m sure his version would be different

Go on, then. Present yourself from his side.

Magenta82 · 26/02/2023 12:55

What positive reasons do you have to marry him?
What kind of good times do you have?
How will you feel in the future if you are in the same situation you are now?

Successgirl2022 · 26/02/2023 12:57

What did his DD do to upset you if I may ask?

Is his 18 y.o. his son who doesn't interfere in your relations?