Walk away - is the emotional manipulation?

[Bleddyfreezin]

Where do I start? I hope you can help. Please be kind my MH is not great.

I’m due to be married in the summer.
2nd time around for both. He has two kids, 20&18. We live apart due to work but see each other every weekend. I did live with him briefly when his children were smaller. We’ve been together 8 years.

His DD (20) has been incredibly unkind to me. She had a reputation at school for being a bully. I didn’t ever get involved
as not my place to but I do feel her parents
have allowed this behaviour by never addressing it. My fiancé refuses to speak to me about the unkind way she’s treated me and on the occasion I asked him to face up to her actions he said I was entirely to blame and shouted and yelled at me. It’s outing to say what the issue was over but there is photographic evidence of it being her unkindness to me.

I know she’s his DD and therefore it’s difficult but this is not an ambiguous situation, it’s incredibly clear. I’m not asking him to choose, I’ve come to terms with it but just acknowledge it and not blame me.

He’s like this with other elements of his life. I am last on his list of priorities. His work, friends, hobbies all take priority and if I ever say anything he literally starts shouting almost immediately and coming out with silly accusations of things I’m supposed to have said that is untrue.

I tried to talk last night about feeling bottom of the pile. He started to shout so I said I was going home. I asked him to call me when he was ready to talk and not shout or blame me.

I am prepared to walk away and I’ve told him so. I do love him but does this sound like he’s emotionally manipulating me?

I’m so confused. I’ve tried to keep it as short as I can while not drip feeding. There is a lot of background. I’m not overly needy.

@Bleddyfreezin massive squishes. How can you hope to add more to your life when you are spending all your time trying not to rock the boat and walking on eggshells.

it sounds like he has no interest or intention of changing his nature. He doesn’t need to as you just let it all happen with no consequences to him. His hobbies, friends, family, life are more important to him than you and your happiness.

Occasional bright sparks in the relationship don’t seem to outweigh the negative aspects.

if you continue with him - this will be your life forever more. Only you’ll be more tied together legally with the marriage.

if he isn’t interested in working on your relationship together then I’d be asking you if you were better off alone with the option of creating your own happiness without this dark cloud of his demands and moods hovering over you.

Its not 8 years wasted. It’s future happiness saved.

good luck.

Still no contact from him. I’m having a wobble so writing on here instead. Hope you don’t mind. I am always the one to give in and make contact. No matter how unkind he’s been with his shouting.

This really could be the end.

he expects you to give in so don't, he sounds like a bully. shouting you down if he doesnt like what you've got to say. if you contact him, imagine his smug smile knowing he's got what he wants AGAIN, and also you're letting him think its ok to do this to you, if it wasn't ok, you would have the self respect to leave him, but he knows that you dont because he's always got away with it in the past. please leave him, he sounds awful.

He is very very abusive. He shouts at you, shouts you down and shuts you up. He is only nice to you when you are docile to him. He puts you last because he sees you as part of the furniture, always there when he needs you.

Him being nice occasionally is PART OF THE ABUSIVE CYCLE. Please look that up.

I Ieft an abusive relationship and the only regret I have is not leaving earlier and the effect it had on me. It has fundamentally changed me. And not for the better.

I really hope you end this relationship. I really do. I'm rooting for you.

He's waiting for you to crack, OP. He already knows what he's trained you to put up with - the shouting, taking second place to him and his interests - and he's waiting for you to come running when you decide that better the devil you know - when of course he'll ramp it up even more. This, as far as he is concerned, is just you throwing a strop and you'll be back at some point.

@Bleddyfreezin

I'm so glad you have posted. This place can be really good when you need support and to be reminded to put yourself first.

I'd really encourage you to find something to busy yourself with. If you are at a bit of a loose end, you are much more likely to feel tempted to think about him.

What can you do to keep yourself busy? Turn out a drawer of cupboard. Jigsaw or a really good book. I'd have a cup or glass of something with a really good book. Something I already know and can reread

Keep posting here anytime you are tempted to think about him. Find your new exciting interests. Good luck

Keep posting @Bleddyfreezin you deserve more.

Also recognise that you are waiting and hoping he contacts. You’ll get a hit and rush that all is well. It’s not. His actions are awful.

I wouldn't even bother to have a discussion about ending the relationship, because he will try to lure you back. I would end it via message. You wouldn't do that normally, but these aren't normal circumstances. This is an abusive relationship. End the relationship via text and then arrange to collect your things with a friend present. Then block everywhere so he cannot get back in contact to make false promises and get back with you.

So now you are getting the silent treatment. It's really not a loving relationship.

He is selfish, tight-fisted, abusive (shouting at you) and gives you lowest priority in his life. The bullying daughter is just the icing on this poisonous cake.

On the plus side, he can behave reasonably as long as you do whatever he wants.

OP, please don’t tie yourself to this man. He will drain the life out of you.

Keep being strong 💪🏻 you can do this, you’ll have more time to meet people and make friends.

Try not to focus on whether you’ve heard from him or not, that’s giving him the power.
Just decide that you want better for yourself and get rid. Certainly cancel wedding plans. You want someone who adores you all the time no matter what. He doesn’t.

I can't believe you are even asking. Walk away.

You are so strong; you have been so clear & calm with him. I applaud you

The good times are only there to keep you hooked. As in "its not all bad, there are good times too" - this is stereotypical abusive behaviour on his part. Please walk away.

Also bullies learn their behaviour from their parents so his bullying daughter has most likely learnt her craft from her father 💁🏻‍♀️

Love your attitude! 👌🏼

Thanks everyone.

He hasn’t been in touch at all since Saturday night. We would always text goodnight and good morning when we’re not together but, as I suspected, I’ve had nothing. I’ve also not messaged, as my final words were for him to get in touch once he’s ready to talk and not shout.

This feels very final. We’ve fallen out before over this and I’ve always given in. Always me to back down and he’s happy when it’s all swept under the carpet.

I feel empty and sad but work today should take my mind off it for a little time.

Well done OP, stay strong, you are worth so much more x

Stay string OP, you are doing really well! I wish I was as strong as you x

Strong not strong 😂

He's feast or famine. Right now he is giving you the famine in an attempt to make you toe HIS line. You will make new friends.

Run don't walk.
Do NOT marry this man
He's an abusive man.
Do the women's aid freedom programme
Join some clubs or college course
Join a gym
Join a dating site.

Make new friends

My lovely grandma always said "mean with money mean with love", she was very wise.
Regarding things not being bad all the time, of course they're not or you would have left a long time ago.
My grandma also said "if someone gave you a glass of water with a pinch of shit in it, would you still drink it?" Think about that.

It's so hard to stick to your guns in these situations even when you know you must. But you must! Don't cave in. Definitely do not marry him. He sounds awful.

It's hard but life will go on and will be fine without him.