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Original poster

Walk away - is the emotional manipulation?

114 replies

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 11:42

Where do I start? I hope you can help. Please be kind my MH is not great.

I’m due to be married in the summer.
2nd time around for both. He has two kids, 20&18. We live apart due to work but see each other every weekend. I did live with him briefly when his children were smaller. We’ve been together 8 years.

His DD (20) has been incredibly unkind to me. She had a reputation at school for being a bully. I didn’t ever get involved
as not my place to but I do feel her parents
have allowed this behaviour by never addressing it. My fiancé refuses to speak to me about the unkind way she’s treated me and on the occasion I asked him to face up to her actions he said I was entirely to blame and shouted and yelled at me. It’s outing to say what the issue was over but there is photographic evidence of it being her unkindness to me.

I know she’s his DD and therefore it’s difficult but this is not an ambiguous situation, it’s incredibly clear. I’m not asking him to choose, I’ve come to terms with it but just acknowledge it and not blame me.

He’s like this with other elements of his life. I am last on his list of priorities. His work, friends, hobbies all take priority and if I ever say anything he literally starts shouting almost immediately and coming out with silly accusations of things I’m supposed to have said that is untrue.

I tried to talk last night about feeling bottom of the pile. He started to shout so I said I was going home. I asked him to call me when he was ready to talk and not shout or blame me.

I am prepared to walk away and I’ve told him so. I do love him but does this sound like he’s emotionally manipulating me?

I’m so confused. I’ve tried to keep it as short as I can while not drip feeding. There is a lot of background. I’m not overly needy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 13:00

Ok, good stuff. He’s funny and makes me laugh. We can relax together easily and like doing the same things. As long as he’s had time to do his hobbies, see his mates, etc when we’re together he’s fairly easy going. We’re interested in pretty much the same things (excl golf). It’s not such a long list but we’re relatively well matched.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 13:02

I get on well with his son. I’d rather not say what his DD did. It’s outing and there’s bound to be the step mum haters who jump on. I don’t want it to go down that route, it’s not about my relationship with her, it’s about him.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 13:02

As long as he’s had time to do his hobbies, see his mates, etc when we’re together he’s fairly easy going

So as long as life goes his way he's OK.

Isheabastard · 26/02/2023 13:02

Ok, I think I can give you an example of my actual experience.

I have been married over 30 years. When we were first together I also felt that I came last in his priorities. I would spend time alone while he was off with work socials, other friends or his brothers. We argued a lot about it. I was told not to be a nag.

Over the years I stopped moaning and started doing my own thing. Eventually I stopped even wanting to spend time with him. Guess what? He didn’t like that. He complained we never did anything together. He wouldn’t accept any blame in this, so started becoming meaner to me.

We are finally divorcing, he is devastated and can’t work out my problem with him, because he thinks he is a near perfect husband.

I have let my friendships lapse, but I am reaching out to them again. I have no worries for my future.

My only regret is that I didn’t do it 10 years sooner.

FinallyHere · 26/02/2023 13:03

Glad to read that you have found the strength to walk away. Now, it up to you to build yourself a much better life.

Please, don't consider this a period of radio silence. That's continuing to put him front and centre. What do you want? What are you going to do?

Start thinking about what you want. Draw a picture. Starting writing your bucket list. Enjoy building this new phase of your new life.

Maybe go for a walk, have a cup of coffee while people watching. Keep that list close to hand. Anytime you get an idea about something you would like to do, add it to your list.

Are you ok for somewhere to live, food etc. all the very best.

Keep in touch

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 13:06

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 13:02

As long as he’s had time to do his hobbies, see his mates, etc when we’re together he’s fairly easy going

So as long as life goes his way he's OK.

Sorry, pressed send too soon. When it doesn't - you want to talk to him about something that upsets you or you call out his behaviour - he shouts at you and says it's your fault.

I'm not being sold that he's Mr Wonderful based on your rather tepid list as against the list of things that upset you.

FinallyHere · 26/02/2023 13:07

Oh, forgot to add, close to the top of your BB list, do something g nice for someone else. Don't need to be a big thing, just a small gesture will be fine

Doing things because you decided to do them, rather than any reward, is one of the best ways to start building your self esteem. Everything you do for yourself, now, will be to build that self esteem.

He has been trampling over your self esteem by putting you always last. That changes now. Good B luck.

category12 · 26/02/2023 13:08

He's fairly easy going as long as everything is going his way/you don't inconvenience him. 😑🤔😬

tsmainsqueeze · 26/02/2023 13:10

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 11:45

Would you walk away from the relationship? There are good times.

Yes i would !! and i wouldn't look back ,you say you are last on his list of priorities ,why on earth would you marry someone who treats you like this?
Also add his vile daughter - i believe you have posted about this before , into the mix and you are in for a miserable future .
If you choose to end this relationship i bet you will be breathing a sigh of relief that you no longer have to walk on eggshells ,you deserve a happy life.
"There are good times" at what price ? he sounds horrible .

Original poster
Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 13:11

You’re right MrsDanvers I know you are. It is tepid and took a while to think about. Even then it’s not mind blowing!

I think I’m grasping at reasons to stay together rather than wasting the last 8 years.

I am very lucky that I have my own home and am financially sound enough to not need him to support me.

For as long as he’s no contact I have my answer. I doubt he’ll bend, he never has in any previous, although it’s never felt this serious before. I will start my list of things I want to do with my life!

OP posts:
Successgirl2022 · 26/02/2023 13:11

I've sent you a pm.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 13:13

I get it, 8 years is a long time and it's easier to go with the status quo than upend your life. Try googling 'sunk cost fallacy' and see if that rings any bells 🤔

category12 · 26/02/2023 13:30

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 13:11

You’re right MrsDanvers I know you are. It is tepid and took a while to think about. Even then it’s not mind blowing!

I think I’m grasping at reasons to stay together rather than wasting the last 8 years.

I am very lucky that I have my own home and am financially sound enough to not need him to support me.

For as long as he’s no contact I have my answer. I doubt he’ll bend, he never has in any previous, although it’s never felt this serious before. I will start my list of things I want to do with my life!

It's not a waste. Not all relationships last forever or move into marriage, and rightly so. You look back and think about the good parts of it, the experiences, the ups and downs, and can be glad you're out of it and don't have to put up with it anymore because you're grown and been brave enough to make the jump.

As pp mentions the sunk cost fallacy - don't be a victim of that - it doesn't make sense to put even more years into something that doesn't work for you.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 26/02/2023 13:34

Wise words, @category12

TossieFleacake · 26/02/2023 13:38

Getting married will not shift your position in his list of priorities.
It just makes it harder to walk away when you realise you can't live like this.

@Isheabastard your post really resonated with me, I am experiencing a similar situation. Well done for making the break and good luck with your future.

UnattendedPotato · 26/02/2023 13:41

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 11:51

I am in the position where I could end it, but apart from work, I have few friends and he is the biggest part of my life. I do love him and have been happy thinking about our future but feel like I’m deluding myself. He’s great as long as go along with what he wants to do. Any boat rocking at all and the shouting starts.

He's the biggest part of your life right now. But you'll have plenty of room in your life for nice people if you stop filling up your space and time with this arsehole. You're better than this and you deserve better than this. Get your stuff, walk away, don't let him wheedle his way back. It's sounds a blessedly uncomplicated break up so don't make it worse. Good luck.

America12 · 26/02/2023 13:52

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 11:45

Would you walk away from the relationship? There are good times.

Yes.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 26/02/2023 13:57

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 11:45

Would you walk away from the relationship? There are good times.

Yes I would, sounds like you're at the bottom of a very large pile. You can do som much better, time to put YOU first

321gogogo · 26/02/2023 14:00

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 11:45

Would you walk away from the relationship? There are good times.

Run... I'd run away!

FinallyHere · 26/02/2023 14:03

So, his good points are that so long as everything is going exactly how he wants it, he is good company.

Don't judge people by how they act when everything is going their way.

People show what they are made of when things are going badly. That's when you see what sort of person they are.

There is nothing, I say nothing about this man to make him a worthy partner for you.

Don't worry about having wasted the last years. Take the lesson you have learned and put it to good use. Get rid of him and enjoy your own company. Build your life with good friends. Don't look for friends, be a good friend to those around you.

Enjoy your life. It starts now.

Dery · 26/02/2023 14:08

Completely seconding @MMmomDD. Fear of being alone is a very unhealthy reason to stay in a relationship, even where you’re well-treated. Marrying this man would be a passport to misery. You say there are good times but a better measure of the quality of a relationship is what it’s like when things aren’t going well. This relationship sounds routinely awful. When DH and I are going through a bumpy patch, things are a bit ‘meh’. Please end this and build your own life and interests and friendships.

BCBird · 26/02/2023 14:09

I deserve better. Feeling at the bottom.of the pile in itself is bad enough but coupled with the shouting,well that is ridiculous. If you have mentioned this time and tume again and he can't be bothered to try to address his daughter to .establish a fragile peace,then it sounds like you are wasting your precious time. Good luck.

BCBird · 26/02/2023 14:09

U deserve not I. Typo.sorry

Englishash · 26/02/2023 14:32

Bleddyfreezin · 26/02/2023 11:51

I am in the position where I could end it, but apart from work, I have few friends and he is the biggest part of my life. I do love him and have been happy thinking about our future but feel like I’m deluding myself. He’s great as long as go along with what he wants to do. Any boat rocking at all and the shouting starts.

He's a habit. Bad habits should be broken. He's not worthy of you. You deserve better. Don't marry him; it'll only get worse and you'll find it harder to escape Al legally binding relationship.

firstmummy2019 · 26/02/2023 14:38

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He is a bully, just like his daughter.

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