Affair

[pinkcanvas]

I’ve name changed to post this…

DH who I’ve been with for 18 years has cheated on me with my children’s nanny. Apparently they “only” kissed (several times), had been sexting and meeting up secretly a few times for walks, holding hands and talking about the future. The whole thing started and ended within a month.

I’m told she wanted guarantees he would leave me and wanted to be step mum to the kids. She’s struggling to conceive with her DH and wanted my DH to say he would have a baby with her, which he didn't agree to, but also didn’t say that was out of the question. All sounds quite serious for a month fling where only kissing was involved. He apparently also thought this was odd.

I’m told both of them spent their meet ups moaning about their relationships, although he tells me it was mostly her doing this (of course!) and him just not putting her off as he liked the attention. They were talking about booking a hotel and he tells me they were going to but just to “talk”. I’ve seen some messages where they do just say it will be just to talk, but I also find it hard to believe when in the hotel, they would have left it at that…

He says the affair only happened because they gradually blurred boundaries over the years from chatting in the kitchen a lot. I knew they talked when he grabbed a coffee while WFH, but didn’t really think anything of it. She started making comments to him and he was flattered and it moved into flirting.

From what he’s said, it does genuinely sound like she was coming on to him - he could have said no at any point of course! But he isn’t very good at picking up these inferences sometimes. She started sending him songs to his phone each day and then they started chatting on WhatsApp. Eventually this turned into sexting and she sent him some semi naked photos. Some where she removed clothes in our house to text him! Apparently he didn’t reciprocate but definitely encouraged this and the conversation was very sexual in nature.

The times they met up he lied to my face saying he was going on errands. I was sick one day and he just left me to cope with the kids while he went off to meet her.

He downplays all of this because he says he was just down and miserable and liked the attention and it got out of hand. That he was just bored and knew it meant nothing and that it wasn’t a threat to our marriage so because he knows that; he thinks it’s not a big deal.

I am of course devastated. He knows cheating is the one thing I have said is my boundary and I’ve put up with a lot of things from him over the years. I can’t stop picturing them together. She was greeting him when he came home with a hug and kiss like she was playing wife - and the kids were around (but apparently didn’t see). The way he says it all, she sounds quite unhinged but I guess that’s also convenient(!)

He does seem genuinely sorry, saying he’s depressed and crying and saying he loves me and wants to work through this. We have two primary aged children.

As there wasn’t any actual sex would you work at it, or is the betrayal too much?

Only you can decide, and you must do what is right for you. Take time, all the time you need.
You poor thing, I hope you are okay. Look after yourself and if possible find a trusted person who you can speak with, it will help.

I'm going to start off by saying that there is every chance that this is just a one-off and he won't do this again. It certainly sounds like it. That's the problem with cheating and affairs, a lot of people think they would never do it.... until it happens. That's why a lot of affairs start in the workplace. You send a few chatty messages, and before you know it, it gets flirty, turns into sexting, and then moves into the physical realm. Things can escalate fast and it almost becomes escapism. Not everyone who cheats is destined to be a serial cheater.

However, one mistake is costly. If it was me, I'd struggle to ever trust him again. and I'd feel disgusted that he's had his hands on someone else. Just because they haven't had full blown sex, doesn't make it any better.

It's up to you to decide what to do next. If you were my friend or my sister, I would 100% be telling you to leave him as I wouldn't want to watch someone I care about be disrespected like that.

Is this something you genuinely think you can forget about? Even if you were certain he would never do it again, would you forget? Would it be brought up in every argument? Would you be wary of future nannies etc?

They only ever tell you what they think they'll get away with. You must be in such turmoil. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I've been in your situation but it was a work thing, nothing happened in our home, no touching, a flirtation that went too far. 3 years later I'm still crushed, a different person entirely to what I was then. It doesn't go away, you never feel about them or look at them the same . You have to figure out whether that's the life you want. You still love what you had, who you thought they were and have hope but the spark is gone, they'll always be moments where you're dragged back to that awful feeling you had when you first found out. Like being winded and dropped from a huge height, everything shattering all at once.

Can you live with that, can you ever trust a word he says again? What he did in your house with your children there too? He started shutting you out, closing doors and windows to you whilst letting her in.

Firstly, OP - you don’t need to make a decision yet. It may be weeks or months before you know how you’re going to handle this. But I would find this very hard to come back from.

I mean Christ - your children’s nanny - talk about shitting on your own doorstep (an expression I hate, btw, but it seems very apt in this case).

Okay - she clearly wasn’t really trustworthy (in fact, she sounds a bit psycho) so perhaps she wasn’t the right person to be looking after your DCs in any case but his actions have also led to your DCs losing the carer they were used to.

He’s put this ego boost ahead of his entire family’s wellbeing. How could he look your DCs in the eyes knowing he was carrying on with their nanny? He’s probably minimised but it already sounds bad enough.

Take your time, OP. Don’t let him rush your decision. You’d be fully entitled to walk away, though, if that feels right to you.

As there wasn’t any actual sex would you work at it, or is the betrayal too much?

It's such a personal decision and comes down to your own boundaries really.

However since you ask - I'd give him hell for a while so he knows it's not ok, then I'd move on.

This is probably an unpopular opinion on MN as it will be seen as minimising his responsibility for what happened, but I think the vast majority of middle aged men would succumb to flattery from an attractive younger female. The ego is a very powerful thing!

You only have half the story.

No way could I ever trust him again. It would be over for me.

To me - if this was my partner they’ve crossed a line with emotional infidelity. They’ve entertained the idea. They’ve been physical enough to kiss someone else in a romantic or sexual manner.

he blames her. He says sex hasn’t happened. Because of course he’s going to 100% tell you the truth now. He’s painted the picture to suit his needs. Poor little hard done to unloved husband. I mean it’s obviously your fault for not seeing to his needs more. 🙄

even if I could forgive a partner for this - for the lines crossed in my own home - I’d never trust them again. I’d never trust a single thing that came out of his mouth. I’d be querying his whereabouts and communications all the time. I couldn’t live like that.

he’s destroyed the family unit. Not her.

What he will have shown you, messages, and told you will only be parts.

An affair is a choice. He decided, every time, to kiss the nanny. His desire taking over then lying to you about it.

How did you find out about the affair? Did he come clean? Or did you stumble on some of the texts between them? Would he have told you eventually?

If you found out, then where would they stopped the affair if at all? The hotel is not to talk things through, you can do that at the park, or by going for a walk, the hotel was to complete their desire and that is that. What he is telling you is half the story as he will have realised what is at stake, and damage control the scenario he has set upon you. His lies are to protect him.

You are the only one who can decide what you will tolerate. This is likely to eat you up at times, and its possible that he will want this sort of excitement in his life again. You will never know.

Of course there was sex op don't be so gullible. He will minimise as much as possible. People don't sneak around d and meet up regularly behind their spouse's back for a snog they aren't in a night club. I don't mean to sound harsh but I'm trying to be direct so you have all the facts.

If what he says is true he's risked his whole marriage for some kissing and hand holding. I would really struggle to move on with someone who clearly values me so little. The flip side of this is that if you forgive him once what is to stop him doing it again? It's your decision of course but I do think it's difficult for people to genuinely move on, forgive and forget. Just make sure it's the right decision for you before you commit either way.

For me it would have to be everything out in the open. Chat with her DH. What's his take on it? New phone for your DH, preferably for her too so neither have each others number. I have full access to his phone. Obviously no contact between them ever again. I would probably also mention it to the nanny agency because that's a massive breach of trust.

I think this too.
He sounds horrible.

Christ op, I’m sorry. How bloody awful. And how utterly fucking stupid is he? The phrase “don’t shit where you eat” comes to mind.
Personally, I think I’d be doing some more digging to see if what he was telling me about no sex was true. IF it is true, maybe if he went to therapy to see exactly what is wrong with HIM (not you, not your relationship, him) then maybe I could work through it? It would depend though on how your relationship was overall. It’s not a popular opinion here on MN but my Granny was a wise woman and told me to “never underestimate the power of the male ego” and my god, in my experience, she was right. A bit of flattery, an ego boost and they make utterly piss poor, selfish decisions. They literally do not think it through. Only you will know, in time, if he can come good for you and if you can work through it. It is shit though and I’m sorry he’s done this. Oh, and she’s a piece of work too!!! I hope you’ve sacked her!!

An affair doesnt have to be physical to be an affair. He is minimalising it, he's given reasons why he was lead a stray 😒 after 18 years he didnt think of you or his kids. He'll do it again, easily.

Stick to your morals as you said cheating is a no no in your books.

👉Please can someone post a link to The Script...OP you need to read it.

Where's the nanny now @pinkcanvas is she still working for you

No, she quit and this is when it came out. He firstly tried to convince her to stay, and when that failed, confessed all. I said she didn't need to work her notice.

They had sex. Without a doubt.

What a skanky skidmark of a man he is.

You'll never be able to trust him again.

I completely agree;no one talks about leaving their spouse and conceiving a child without being intimate first;he works from home and she was there all day without you around.

What an absolute cliche though,thé nanny;could he have been anymore unoriginal?

Yes I know, the cliche alone is so embarrassing.

I did confront her after I found out. He confessed to the emotional affair but nothing more. I went to her house and she told me about the kissing too but says there was nothing more.

It's only since I've been over it with him in detail that I've heard how sexual the messages were and about the "future stepmum" chats, and photos. I asked for all the details since he originally lied about even the kissing.

I don’t believe they didn’t have sex either. However, arguably worse than that is the lying and deceit in your own home, and with someone you trust your kids with. His lack of respect for you is disgusting. How could you ever trust him again? So sorry you are going through this op.

Well OP your last disclosures would be enough for me to pack his sorry excuse out the door. If he so callously asked her to stay so he could have you and her under the same roof.. think about that. In your home he took advantage, used his position to reel in an opportunity because he felt it was exciting. No thought from him whatsoever regarding where this was taking place, a woman looking after your children, yes she may have wanted him to elope with her, claiming she would want to raise your kids, another thought I would mull over a bit, where would all this have left you?

I’d find it creeper if they just went to a hotel to talk. At least having sex would be normal.

As you say this is your one boundary, then I’d end the relationship and set more boundaries for when you start dating again.

The trouble is if you let him get away with it this time then there's nothing to stop him next time is there. He'll already have shown he can trample your boundaries without consequences. He lied about the kissing so you know he has no problem lying to you or doing things behind your back and he doesn't even take any real accountability for it, down playing it and making excuses.

You have to do what's right for you now though, walking away after 18 years is unlikely to be easy, but is staying with someone you don't trust harder?

I would give him a chance.

On MN there are always loads of divorcees who will scream leave him at the slightest indiscretion. They are only thinking they want others to feel the same difficulties they now face in divorced life.