Affair

[pinkcanvas]

I’ve name changed to post this…

DH who I’ve been with for 18 years has cheated on me with my children’s nanny. Apparently they “only” kissed (several times), had been sexting and meeting up secretly a few times for walks, holding hands and talking about the future. The whole thing started and ended within a month.

I’m told she wanted guarantees he would leave me and wanted to be step mum to the kids. She’s struggling to conceive with her DH and wanted my DH to say he would have a baby with her, which he didn't agree to, but also didn’t say that was out of the question. All sounds quite serious for a month fling where only kissing was involved. He apparently also thought this was odd.

I’m told both of them spent their meet ups moaning about their relationships, although he tells me it was mostly her doing this (of course!) and him just not putting her off as he liked the attention. They were talking about booking a hotel and he tells me they were going to but just to “talk”. I’ve seen some messages where they do just say it will be just to talk, but I also find it hard to believe when in the hotel, they would have left it at that…

He says the affair only happened because they gradually blurred boundaries over the years from chatting in the kitchen a lot. I knew they talked when he grabbed a coffee while WFH, but didn’t really think anything of it. She started making comments to him and he was flattered and it moved into flirting.

From what he’s said, it does genuinely sound like she was coming on to him - he could have said no at any point of course! But he isn’t very good at picking up these inferences sometimes. She started sending him songs to his phone each day and then they started chatting on WhatsApp. Eventually this turned into sexting and she sent him some semi naked photos. Some where she removed clothes in our house to text him! Apparently he didn’t reciprocate but definitely encouraged this and the conversation was very sexual in nature.

The times they met up he lied to my face saying he was going on errands. I was sick one day and he just left me to cope with the kids while he went off to meet her.

He downplays all of this because he says he was just down and miserable and liked the attention and it got out of hand. That he was just bored and knew it meant nothing and that it wasn’t a threat to our marriage so because he knows that; he thinks it’s not a big deal.

I am of course devastated. He knows cheating is the one thing I have said is my boundary and I’ve put up with a lot of things from him over the years. I can’t stop picturing them together. She was greeting him when he came home with a hug and kiss like she was playing wife - and the kids were around (but apparently didn’t see). The way he says it all, she sounds quite unhinged but I guess that’s also convenient(!)

He does seem genuinely sorry, saying he’s depressed and crying and saying he loves me and wants to work through this. We have two primary aged children.

As there wasn’t any actual sex would you work at it, or is the betrayal too much?

OP - they had sex. Of course they did.

Think that they did & make your decision based on that.

However the intimacy, the disrespect of it being in my house with my kids & the sexual & step-mum chat would be enough for me to walk.

I could never ever ever forgive or trust him again. So zero point pretending I could.

What's more, I would bet my life if you throw him out, he'll be be with her within a month.

It’s so arrogant that he says “it wasn’t a risk to the marriage”. It’s as if he doesn’t feel you are capable of drawing boundaries and taking ownership of your own future. An affair is only a threat if he decides to leave. He wasn’t worried that you may decide to leave if you found out, hence not occurring to him that it was a threat.

OP my stomach turned reading this - no woman talks about being a step mum to someone elses children out of nowhere.

She has been given promises, suggestions and assurances by him.

Do you understand the power imbalance here? He is the one who was in a position of power - he was her employer - she was in his home - she is much younger than him. The only person you should consider responsible here for this appalling situation is him.

Please don't let him bully you into accepting this

Notable maybe that she decided to quit at the point where he wanted to share a hotel room - total BS just to talk, that was just his line to lure her there. She would have realised this as she's old enough to not be that naive about the intent.
Looks like she was enjoying the fantasy future because of issues with her DH - escapism. Your DH was just hoping for sex - no other reason to book a room.
He pushed her back to reality, so she quit rather than cross into reality.
What did she say was her reason for quitting before he told you? I think he faced up as he was under threat that she would tell all anyway, so he had no choice - if you dont tell her, I will. Otherwise he had nothing to gain by saying anything and all to risk. It's not guilt that made him confess. He had got over that enough that he was hoping things could go back to how they were. If she stayed, you would still be in ignorance.

This just all sounds utterly ludicrous.

Your h is deluded. Deceitful. An opportunist and completely untrustworthy.

OP your husband confessed and there are probably several possible different explanations for why that happened, but unless you believe he is telling the truth when he answers that question it doesn’t matter what anyone suggests here, we will never know.
He didn’t confess in a hurry with no time to think because he got unexpectedly busted, he had time to think about what he was going to say and how much he was going to let you know and how much he was going to conceal or deliberately lie about. He had time to discuss this with her, too.
So, the sad truth about what they say after discovery or what they choose to confess, is that it is rarely, I mean like unicorn shit rarely, ever the case that you get the full truth or that you can trust all or any part of it.
So don’t waste time trying to analyse every detail, you might be analysing stuff that never happened or stuff that has been so doctored and minimised that it barely resembles what actually happened.
One thing I will say with as much certainty as a random on Mumsnet can say, but I’d bet my house on it, is that the hotel explanation is such bollocks that if it wasn’t so horribly upsetting it would be laughable. I think it’s fair to apply the rule in these situations that all things being equal, the simplest explanation is usually correct. Hotels are not the only daytime locations where it is possible to have a private conversation. The car parked in a quiet road would worked. Ludicrous.
So I’m taking the hotel quote as proof that he is a stranger to the truth at the moment and desperately trying to spin this his way.
What is important is whether or not, if you want to reconcile or even think you can, you think he is trustworthy enough presently to do so. The rest is just noise and details which change nothing materially. The bottom line of betrayal, lying and saying to her he wanted to leave you will remain he same no matter what else really happened.
Until he shows true remorse and makes steps to address his responsibility for all of it, and gives you a true account of what went on as a way of proving he is capable of facing his own shit about himself, then I think he’s the last man on earth you should trust presently.
Only you can decide that, OP. Try to pull yourself away from details, look at the essence of what he has done, the only facts you have. He admits he betrayed you and had an affair with your child’s nanny, in your own home. He is definitely lying about some or all of it. Until all this behaviour changes and he takes full responsibility, stops minimising it with tripe like ‘it meant nothing’ (it might not now, but it did back then or why risk everything?) then I don’t recommend trying to with this out. He isn’t trying, he’s minimising and rug sweeping and lying to manipulate the situation and everyone in it. I’d protect myself and distance myself from the rubbish coming out of his mouth presently and concentrate on self-care. I’m so sorry this has happened to you, it’s truly horrific so take good care of yourself and take your time over making big decisions. At present just make decisions about protecting yourself emotionally and taking care of yourself the way you would a good friend or relative in your situation.

‘bored and miserable’

couldn’t he get a hobby, then? Take up bird watching, or model making or competitive sun glasses collecting, you know, something to give him an interest and cheer him up.

Oh , no , I know, I’ll have an intense emotional affair with our kids’ nanny, and snog her, and make plans for hotel visits behind my wife’s back. That will cheer me up and give me an interest in life.

He said he felt guilty and that's why he told me.

So he confessed just in order to relieve his own conscience?

Your home is your safe space, OP. They have both violated this.

I don't know what the solution is to this TBH if I was in your shoes I wouldn't know what to do. I don't think I could continue living in that house. x

@pinkcanvas you've already given 18 years to this man only for him to throw it back in your face and show you how replaceable he thinks you are.

Do you really want to drag this out another year or two or longer only to end up divorcing anyway? You'll never be able to trust him again. He lies far too easily.

Don't waste any more years on him. Get a shark of a divorce lawyer and get rid. Nothing he says or does will make you fully trust him again and deep down you know that.

Next time it will be a young secretary or barista. His head has been turned once and will be again.

He looked you in the face and lied to you multiple times.
He looked her in the face and lied to her multiple times.
Stop trying to work out if hes slept with her or not. Hes had a long ,calculated affair on his doorstep in front of his kids. He doesnt care about you , her ,or his kids. The sex thing is a red herring and its blinding you to the immense betrayal thats right in front of you. You could never trust him again and what he did was unforgivable. You need to take the power from him and tell him you dont care if he had sex with her or not, what hes already admitted to is more than grounds for divorce.

People don’t go to a hotel room to ‘chat’. Whatever story you’ve been told won’t be the full version.

No advice but just wanted to say sorry for what a vile situation you're in.

The whole playing wife/step-mum thing is giving me the creeps, what a weirdo. And taking pictures to send your husband in your home?! Disgusting. They can say the children didn't see them kissing all they like, but she was still doing that whilst she was supposed to be caring for them. I would not want her around my children in any capacity ever again.

And as for your husband, what a total lying prick he is. I wouldn't believe you had the whole truth tbh.

Chances are they had sex. Adults don't hang around holding hands for a month.

Either way, do you really want to stay with this man? Of course, you want the man you thought you had, but this man isn't him.

He's shown you who he is, believe him.

Oh, how did I miss the hotel room? 🙄😂
I'm sorry, OP. So sorry.
They were shagging. Even prepared to rent a room to get at each other.
It's over, surely? Between you and him?

I appreciate this might not be the most popular response, but you could consider suggesting that you, your husband and the nanny form a throuple.

It’s a very underrated form of relationship, but one, I would argue, that is increasingly popular.

How would that possibly work? He's not into the nanny (apparently), the nanny is married and clearly a bit unwell, they're both liars and deceivers - how would the OP ever trust them?

Even if she had the tiniest bit of interest in sharing her husband and her life...

she might think about it and see the benefits. and the other two could then be persuaded.

@MadamAndTheAnts if you've gotta be persuaded it's not a relationship you want to be involved in

It means something that he told you, unless of course she threatened to or he was worried that he had been exposed and got there first
God I would find this v v hard to forgive, in your own home and someone who was hired to look after your children. Of all the people he chose that person.
I also would think they had sex, or way beyond kissing anyway. Its such a cliché that goes from nothing happened to kissing - they lie and minimize until they absolutely have to admit something when confronted with proof
I would probably leave as I would be afraid it would turn me into something I am not but I know that is easier said than done too

Why would sex be your line in the sand? He could have had sex with anyone as a one night stand and it mean nothing. To me an emotional affair is a much bigger betrayal. But as others have said, of course they will downplay it.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

In fairness OP suggested that she's put up with a lot over the years, so it may be that he's come to believe there's almost nothing he can do which will make her say "enough"

That doesn't make it her fault of course - the fault is all his - but it's understandable how he might have come to this conclusion

Lol at chatting in a hotel room

@Puzzledandpissedoff he's never cheated on me before as far as I'm aware. He certainly knows I wouldn't be ok with that.

She's not still there is she? Only I haven't seen that she's gone? Apologies if I have missed this