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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair

119 replies

pinkcanvas · 26/02/2023 10:11

I’ve name changed to post this…

DH who I’ve been with for 18 years has cheated on me with my children’s nanny. Apparently they “only” kissed (several times), had been sexting and meeting up secretly a few times for walks, holding hands and talking about the future. The whole thing started and ended within a month.

I’m told she wanted guarantees he would leave me and wanted to be step mum to the kids. She’s struggling to conceive with her DH and wanted my DH to say he would have a baby with her, which he didn't agree to, but also didn’t say that was out of the question. All sounds quite serious for a month fling where only kissing was involved. He apparently also thought this was odd.

I’m told both of them spent their meet ups moaning about their relationships, although he tells me it was mostly her doing this (of course!) and him just not putting her off as he liked the attention. They were talking about booking a hotel and he tells me they were going to but just to “talk”. I’ve seen some messages where they do just say it will be just to talk, but I also find it hard to believe when in the hotel, they would have left it at that…

He says the affair only happened because they gradually blurred boundaries over the years from chatting in the kitchen a lot. I knew they talked when he grabbed a coffee while WFH, but didn’t really think anything of it. She started making comments to him and he was flattered and it moved into flirting.

From what he’s said, it does genuinely sound like she was coming on to him - he could have said no at any point of course! But he isn’t very good at picking up these inferences sometimes. She started sending him songs to his phone each day and then they started chatting on WhatsApp. Eventually this turned into sexting and she sent him some semi naked photos. Some where she removed clothes in our house to text him! Apparently he didn’t reciprocate but definitely encouraged this and the conversation was very sexual in nature.

The times they met up he lied to my face saying he was going on errands. I was sick one day and he just left me to cope with the kids while he went off to meet her.

He downplays all of this because he says he was just down and miserable and liked the attention and it got out of hand. That he was just bored and knew it meant nothing and that it wasn’t a threat to our marriage so because he knows that; he thinks it’s not a big deal.

I am of course devastated. He knows cheating is the one thing I have said is my boundary and I’ve put up with a lot of things from him over the years. I can’t stop picturing them together. She was greeting him when he came home with a hug and kiss like she was playing wife - and the kids were around (but apparently didn’t see). The way he says it all, she sounds quite unhinged but I guess that’s also convenient(!)

He does seem genuinely sorry, saying he’s depressed and crying and saying he loves me and wants to work through this. We have two primary aged children.

As there wasn’t any actual sex would you work at it, or is the betrayal too much?

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 26/02/2023 19:31

What other things has he done that you have put up with previously?

juliettesmother · 26/02/2023 19:35

Sirikit · 26/02/2023 18:42

I doubt very much they didn't have sex. And his story sounds made up; he's trying to get you to let him off the hook.

This.

SunflowerTed · 26/02/2023 19:36

Starlitestarbright · 26/02/2023 15:52

Of course there was sex op don't be so gullible. He will minimise as much as possible. People don't sneak around d and meet up regularly behind their spouse's back for a snog they aren't in a night club. I don't mean to sound harsh but I'm trying to be direct so you have all the facts.

Exactly my thoughts

mrsbitaly · 26/02/2023 19:45

It depends on whether you can move on from this. If its something you will bring up in every argument in the future then it's going to be miserable for you both.

For me personally no I couldn't stay with someone that did this to me. It's just too close to home. There's one thing messaging a colleague and another where a woman is caring for your children whilst your husband and her are building a verbally sexual relationship under your nose and home. I don't doubt he is upset but he could have stopped way before the point it got to where it did.

Duckingella · 26/02/2023 20:16

The fact she hasn't been able to conceive,wanted your husband to leave you and become the children's "step mum" is weird;did she want you out of your home and full custody of the kids?

It like the plot of a horror film,childless nanny who can't conceive hones in on her employer's husband and kids and tries to muscle the wife/mother out of their lives so she can steal her life.

Fireflies23 · 26/02/2023 20:23

You need to take your time ask him for space. maybe write out a feelings journal. I couldn’t forgive an emotional affair from experience. The trust had gone.

Yankydoodledandy · 26/02/2023 22:32

He wanted to replace you.
He wanted your kids to have another Mother.
He tried to make her stay.
He lied to you about the detail

^^^all worst to me than him sticking his di%@ in the nanny!!!

Moser85 · 27/02/2023 00:16

As there wasn’t any actual sex would you work at it, or is the betrayal too much?

Absolutely no way would I get past this.
She wanted to be stepmum to your kids and he didn't shut that down, she quit and he tried to get this woman to stay.

Shocking.

Original poster

pinkcanvas · 27/02/2023 07:08

He makes it sound like he didn't shut down the conversations about kids or being stepmum as he wanted her to continue to be interested so he could have her attention continue. But he says he didn't actually plan for any of that to happen, it was mostly her talking and him not saying that wasn't going to be happening.

OP posts:

Dery · 27/02/2023 07:35

@pinkcanvas - firstly I don’t know what’s been going on in @MadamAndTheAnts‘ marriage that she predicts that all women will at one point have to deal with their spouses kissing and sexting other women. I don’t think that should be regarded as a given.

Your DH entertained conversation about you being replaced by this dreadful woman as their step mum. As you say, he entertained it because he wanted to keep kissing her and probably more (I agree with others that there was probably more - you can’t trust him to tell you the full truth over this). I don’t really see how you can recover from that. How could he look you or his DCs in the eyes knowing he was behaving like this? How could he be so uncaring of the people he should do most to protect? It’s a double treachery because it was with someone you trusted to care for your children. They’ve both behaved revoltingly and - as you say - what a sad cliche.

BUT the real point is you don’t have to make a decision yet. Tell him that you’re going to need a lot of time to decide what you’re going to do about this because you have a huge amount of processing and reflecting to do. Even if he doesn’t leave right now, if you want, it would probably make sense to move him into a different bedroom. Let him really feel the possible loss of you because that was a chance he was willing to take.

And even if, for now, you decide you’re not ready to end the marriage or even tell him you won’t end the marriage, you’re allowed to change your mind in the future. Some marriages survive affairs and go on to flourish but often they limp on for a while and then collapse because the affair has done too much damage.

AltheaVestr1t · 27/02/2023 07:56

BreviloquentBastard · 26/02/2023 17:52

He was talking about replacing you with her and having her be the stepmother to your fucking children, how do you not see that as a worse betrayal than if he stuck his dick in her?

Sex is not the worst way a man can betray you. He was involving your children in his little game of happy families with the nanny. Come on now.

I was thinking the same thing. As bad as the affair is, this part is even worse for me.

Lorry10 · 27/02/2023 08:35

But what has changed ? He was 'just down and miserable', so what happens the next time he feels like that ?
I would struggle to forget that he left me to see another woman when ill, and although he says it didn't mean anything, has he no thought for you or the woman's husband ? He could have wrecked their marriage by leading this woman on to believe they had a future together.

Lorry10 · 27/02/2023 08:42

Why did it end ? And what prompted him to tell you about it ?

Original poster

pinkcanvas · 27/02/2023 08:57

@Lorry10 yes he could have wrecked their marriage. He says when she spoke about telling her husband that he told her that she needed to consider leaving her husband as separate to anything to do with them, that there were no guarantees etc.

I found out because he told me. She quit and then he confessed. I then went round to her house and asked if what he said was true and she gave me extra details.

If she hadn't have quit it would probably still be going on. Although he did say he had been naively thinking he could "get it back in the box" as he was mostly worried about losing the childcare. He makes it sound like his plan was to say things could go back to being professional so she could stay.

However, that same weekend she quit he was trying to get her to a hotel, so it doesn't sound like it was slowing down much to me.

The hotel for those asking was because she couldn't meet during the day time and all bars would be closed apparently. So the only place they could chat was a hotel room.

I've no idea how he was going to explain the hotel to me. However I had said if he had needed a break from the kids he could go stay away and relax for a bit, so I'm assuming he would have used my concerns for his mental health as an excuse for an overnight stay - with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

pinkcanvas · 27/02/2023 09:04

@Starlitestarbright not a long younger, she's mid 30s he's mid 40s.

OP posts:

Dontfeedtheseagulls · 27/02/2023 09:21

It sounds like they were going to meet for sex, reality hit her and she quit, then he was worried that the reason why would come out so confessed.

Bars are open til 11 or 12 pm

What is reassuring I guess is he wasn't on dating sites or hitting on colleagues...so you can avoid him being in this position again

How sorry do you think he is really?

Lorry10 · 27/02/2023 09:22

Something about it doesn't quite add up for me. He said it 'meant nothing' and yet he told you about it. He could have decided privately to never make that mistake again and go about making it up to you and working on his marriage.

Original poster

pinkcanvas · 27/02/2023 09:27

Yes he could have not told me. He said he felt guilty and that's why he told me.

OP posts:

RudsyFarmer · 27/02/2023 09:30

I don’t know how I’d get over that to be honest.

Lorry10 · 27/02/2023 09:30

..which is the bit that didn't make sense. Why feel guilty if it 'meant nothing'? It is highly unfair of him to give you this upsetting news with the purpose of relieving his guilt. And very selfish.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/02/2023 09:37

The hotel for those asking was because she couldn't meet during the day time and all bars would be closed apparently. So the only place they could chat was a hotel room

I think you'll find most bars are open until quite late, but they'd look pretty sillyy shagging in one of them - which almost certainly explains the hotel room

The choices are yours to make, OP, but at least make them based on the likely reality rather than the word of someone who's already thoroughly deceived you

Puppers · 27/02/2023 09:41

MadamAndTheAnts · 26/02/2023 18:26

If you look at many of the “leave him immediately” posters’ other comments it’s perfectly reasonable to assume a fair few are coming from a place of bitterness, and not strange at all.

If you would leave your husband and young children because your husband “flirted” with someone, I would describe that as extreme. You might as well leave him right now, because he has almost certainly flirted with another woman at some point.

Show quote history

I think you may actually have the lowest standards I’ve ever seen anyone demonstrate on here. And that really is saying something. Genuinely it’s very sad that you consider this kind of behaviour to be something that any husband has “almost certainly” done. It’s really, really not. I feel desperately sorry for you and can’t imagine what has happened to you to make you think that this is normal or acceptable behaviour for a married man.

This isn’t a “slight indiscretion” and it goes way, way beyond “flirting”. They kissed, went on dates, talked about a future, talked about her becoming the children’s stepmother, talked about the possibility of having a baby together. If you don’t instinctively know that this is very wrong and very serious then I don’t think anyone here can help you. You need professional help to unpick whatever has led to this level of cognitive dissonance and internalised misogyny.

Lorry10 · 27/02/2023 09:55

Why did the nanny quit ?

Dozycuntlaters · 27/02/2023 09:56

But surely the fact that he's 'admitted' that he let her think she could be step mum etc because he liked the attention makes it even worse? That he's carrying on with someone that he says he wouldn't have seen it through with.... so basically he's chucked your marriage away for what? A kiss? Sorry, I don't believe for a minute he didn't have sex with her as I'm sure there were loads of opportunities given that she was working in your house.

Either way it's pretty shitty of him. He's minimising for sure, telling you what he thinks is enough to get him out the shit.

He's either got feelings for her and risked your marriage because he got emotionally connected (most likely) or he risked your marriage because he liked the attention and is too weak to say no. Both abhorrent. But which one do you think it is? Stop believing everything he tells you, step back a bit, take some time and space and think about whether you can move forward with him.

GoodChat · 27/02/2023 10:04

pinkcanvas · 27/02/2023 09:27

Yes he could have not told me. He said he felt guilty and that's why he told me.

He told you because he was scared she would do he wanted to give you enough so that it wasn't a huge shock but not the whole truth - hence the kiss omission.

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