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Original poster

Affair

119 replies

pinkcanvas · 26/02/2023 10:11

I’ve name changed to post this…

DH who I’ve been with for 18 years has cheated on me with my children’s nanny. Apparently they “only” kissed (several times), had been sexting and meeting up secretly a few times for walks, holding hands and talking about the future. The whole thing started and ended within a month.

I’m told she wanted guarantees he would leave me and wanted to be step mum to the kids. She’s struggling to conceive with her DH and wanted my DH to say he would have a baby with her, which he didn't agree to, but also didn’t say that was out of the question. All sounds quite serious for a month fling where only kissing was involved. He apparently also thought this was odd.

I’m told both of them spent their meet ups moaning about their relationships, although he tells me it was mostly her doing this (of course!) and him just not putting her off as he liked the attention. They were talking about booking a hotel and he tells me they were going to but just to “talk”. I’ve seen some messages where they do just say it will be just to talk, but I also find it hard to believe when in the hotel, they would have left it at that…

He says the affair only happened because they gradually blurred boundaries over the years from chatting in the kitchen a lot. I knew they talked when he grabbed a coffee while WFH, but didn’t really think anything of it. She started making comments to him and he was flattered and it moved into flirting.

From what he’s said, it does genuinely sound like she was coming on to him - he could have said no at any point of course! But he isn’t very good at picking up these inferences sometimes. She started sending him songs to his phone each day and then they started chatting on WhatsApp. Eventually this turned into sexting and she sent him some semi naked photos. Some where she removed clothes in our house to text him! Apparently he didn’t reciprocate but definitely encouraged this and the conversation was very sexual in nature.

The times they met up he lied to my face saying he was going on errands. I was sick one day and he just left me to cope with the kids while he went off to meet her.

He downplays all of this because he says he was just down and miserable and liked the attention and it got out of hand. That he was just bored and knew it meant nothing and that it wasn’t a threat to our marriage so because he knows that; he thinks it’s not a big deal.

I am of course devastated. He knows cheating is the one thing I have said is my boundary and I’ve put up with a lot of things from him over the years. I can’t stop picturing them together. She was greeting him when he came home with a hug and kiss like she was playing wife - and the kids were around (but apparently didn’t see). The way he says it all, she sounds quite unhinged but I guess that’s also convenient(!)

He does seem genuinely sorry, saying he’s depressed and crying and saying he loves me and wants to work through this. We have two primary aged children.

As there wasn’t any actual sex would you work at it, or is the betrayal too much?

OP posts:
Crapperz · 26/02/2023 17:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

monsteramunch · 26/02/2023 17:32

@MadamAndTheAnts

Hi. Not divorced here.

Absolutely wouldn't stay with my partner if he (at a minimum) had an emotional affair with, flirted with, sexted and kissed our child's nanny. That goes somewhat beyond a 'slight indiscretion' don't you think?

And I don't think that's a particularly high bar to set in a relationship tbh, but we all have different standards and expectations so I appreciate you feel differently.

Dismissing women's opinions by assuming they're speaking from a place of bitterness, rather than authenticity or experience, is very strange.

wizzywig · 26/02/2023 17:34

Wow so he was willing to replace you as a partner and mother figure to the kids quick enough wasn't he?

Starlitestarbright · 26/02/2023 17:36

So he works from home and she was nannying when your at work. I suspect they had many opportunities to have sex in your house. Your bed, the bathroom etc. He lied about the kissing and she disclosed it she wasn't going to admit to anything further op. My ex cheated on me and the ow denied it. I managed to trick him into telling me the truth. No one risks a 18 year marriage if they aren't getting any physical intimacy.

Starlitestarbright · 26/02/2023 17:38

Is she a lot younger op?

dancezoo · 26/02/2023 17:38

No advice OP but I just wanted to say poor you. He has been tacky and gross and even though I’d probably try my love would be gone from that.

How revolting.

FiddleLeaf · 26/02/2023 17:42

I couldn’t live with the lies & it’s obvious that his account is nonsense and he’s still not telling the truth.

Ladybug14 · 26/02/2023 17:46

What a lot of bullshit

So hard for you, OP

Think carefully

BreviloquentBastard · 26/02/2023 17:52

He was talking about replacing you with her and having her be the stepmother to your fucking children, how do you not see that as a worse betrayal than if he stuck his dick in her?

Sex is not the worst way a man can betray you. He was involving your children in his little game of happy families with the nanny. Come on now.

monsteramunch · 26/02/2023 18:07

BreviloquentBastard · 26/02/2023 17:52

He was talking about replacing you with her and having her be the stepmother to your fucking children, how do you not see that as a worse betrayal than if he stuck his dick in her?

Sex is not the worst way a man can betray you. He was involving your children in his little game of happy families with the nanny. Come on now.

Completely agree with this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/02/2023 18:12

He knows cheating is the one thing I have said is my boundary and I’ve put up with a lot of things from him over the years

Only you can decide whether to leave him and there's no immediate hurry, but do be aware that if you choose to row back from this boundary it would be an absolute green light to him. Naturally he'd insist he's "learned his lesson", but the bottom line would be him knowing you'll put up with even this, and that all he needs to do is be a bit more careful in future

The chances of there not being sex involved is practically nil, especially as he's already lied about the "kissing", but you'll almost certainly never know the full details. What you do know is that you can't trust him, and only you can say whether you want to live like that

newwings · 26/02/2023 18:18

You only know all this as I think she was going to grass him up in a leave her now and have me situation and DH wasn't brave enough and wanted best of both.

Ofcourseshecan · 26/02/2023 18:20

He’s insulting your intelligence telling you they were going to go to a hotel “just to talk”. To me, that undermines everything else he’s said. He’s minimising as much as possible. So what really happened? And what else were they planning? And why did he try to talk her out of leaving?

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP.

Ginger1982 · 26/02/2023 18:23

He's taking you for a mug. He tried to get her to stay? He's at it. Get your ducks in a row and dump this pathetic excuse for a man.

HowRatherGolly · 26/02/2023 18:23

@MadamAndTheAnts and OP. Although there are many on MN that will want, apparently, every woman that hits a hurdle in their marriage to divorce that is not my opinion. However, personally I am wiser from own experience a divorce. We no longer suffer the stigma women did back in the 50s.

OP, perhaps visit this website who gives a little insight into what you may be dealing with in the future to come.

www.chumplady.com

MadamAndTheAnts · 26/02/2023 18:26

monsteramunch · 26/02/2023 17:32

@MadamAndTheAnts

Hi. Not divorced here.

Absolutely wouldn't stay with my partner if he (at a minimum) had an emotional affair with, flirted with, sexted and kissed our child's nanny. That goes somewhat beyond a 'slight indiscretion' don't you think?

And I don't think that's a particularly high bar to set in a relationship tbh, but we all have different standards and expectations so I appreciate you feel differently.

Dismissing women's opinions by assuming they're speaking from a place of bitterness, rather than authenticity or experience, is very strange.

If you look at many of the “leave him immediately” posters’ other comments it’s perfectly reasonable to assume a fair few are coming from a place of bitterness, and not strange at all.

If you would leave your husband and young children because your husband “flirted” with someone, I would describe that as extreme. You might as well leave him right now, because he has almost certainly flirted with another woman at some point.

Lorry10 · 26/02/2023 18:29

What did he say to 'wanted to be step mum to the kids' ??

Because then, you are not just looking at a betrayal/possible affair, he was discussing taking your children away...........

Jollyhoho · 26/02/2023 18:31

You don't have to make a decision one way or another - not right now.

The decision is - do you want him immediately out of the house right now or not. If not, fine. I would also say that's the sensible decision for everyone's sake. He can sleep in a spare room.

I don't think the decision about whether to divorce or not is one you need to make tonight, this week or even this month.

You get your affairs in order. You make your plans, you speak to a solicitor. And at the same time you're doing that, see if your marriage is salvageable.

All I would say is - you've been blindsided once. Don't let him do that again. Make sure your prepared for whatever the outcome.

GoodChat · 26/02/2023 18:32

I think I could get past an EA if it was a woman who I had nothing to do with and I believe 'the script', but I feel like it being with a woman you trusted wholeheartedly with your children makes this a much bigger betrayal and I don't think I could trust him again.

theleafandnotthetree · 26/02/2023 18:32

Starlitestarbright · 26/02/2023 15:52

Of course there was sex op don't be so gullible. He will minimise as much as possible. People don't sneak around d and meet up regularly behind their spouse's back for a snog they aren't in a night club. I don't mean to sound harsh but I'm trying to be direct so you have all the facts.

This is not necessarily true. I had an affair and didn't sleep with the AP until I ended the marriage. My feelings were immense and we certainly kissed and a bit more but bad and all as I was, I couldn't bring myself to have full blown sex. But I am female of course. I do think that makes a difference. My AP would have had no such qualms.

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 26/02/2023 18:36

MadamAndTheAnts · 26/02/2023 17:25

I would give him a chance.

On MN there are always loads of divorcees who will scream leave him at the slightest indiscretion. They are only thinking they want others to feel the same difficulties they now face in divorced life.

No they are not.

They are trying to save the OP from the wasted years or even decades trying to make things work with a man who they will never trust and will probably cheat on them again.

monsteramunch · 26/02/2023 18:41

@MadamAndTheAnts

If you would leave your husband and young children because your husband “flirted” with someone, I would describe that as extreme. You might as well leave him right now, because he has almost certainly flirted with another woman at some point.

I didn't say that I would leave someone cor flirting though, did I?

I specifically said I "Absolutely wouldn't stay with my partner if he (at a minimum) had an emotional affair with, flirted with, sexted and kissed our child's nanny." You've pulled the least troubling element out of that list and ignored the rest.

Very few people would call it 'extreme' for someone to leave their partner for having an emotional affair with and kissing your child's caregiver. Especially if you know he continued to lie and minimise even after being caught out.

OP you aren't being OTT or over reacting to this. It isn't a 'slight indiscretion' it's a massive betrayal and he didn't even come clean once found out - he's continued to tell you the least he can get away with.

Sirikit · 26/02/2023 18:42

I doubt very much they didn't have sex. And his story sounds made up; he's trying to get you to let him off the hook.

Crazypaving22 · 26/02/2023 18:42

I’m so sorry, what a horrible thing to have to come to terms with.

I also doubt you have the full truth. Cheats minimise and damage control.

I’d also check out the chump lady website and read ‘leave a cheater gain a life’. I found these great to find my teeth and tackle it in the right way, whether you leave or not, this is a brilliant book!

For on going support I’d go to surviving infidelity. Honestly, the posters there are incredible and it’s so well moderated. You’d be so supported.

As to decision making, it doesn’t matter what some random strangers on mumsnet believe is right for you. What matters is that whatever choice you make you make it with your safety (emotional, mental, physical and sexual) as a priority. I know plenty of people reconciled and very happy from affairs that’d make your toes curl. I know people divorced and happy. They’ve all ultimately done what was right for THEM.

You matter.

MadamAndTheAnts · 26/02/2023 19:19

monsteramunch · 26/02/2023 18:41

@MadamAndTheAnts

If you would leave your husband and young children because your husband “flirted” with someone, I would describe that as extreme. You might as well leave him right now, because he has almost certainly flirted with another woman at some point.

I didn't say that I would leave someone cor flirting though, did I?

I specifically said I "Absolutely wouldn't stay with my partner if he (at a minimum) had an emotional affair with, flirted with, sexted and kissed our child's nanny." You've pulled the least troubling element out of that list and ignored the rest.

Very few people would call it 'extreme' for someone to leave their partner for having an emotional affair with and kissing your child's caregiver. Especially if you know he continued to lie and minimise even after being caught out.

OP you aren't being OTT or over reacting to this. It isn't a 'slight indiscretion' it's a massive betrayal and he didn't even come clean once found out - he's continued to tell you the least he can get away with.

I predict you will at some point have to deal with something like this.

And I feel sorry for any children you have in terms of the implications for them of the harshness of your judgement.

OP - do not let the divorcees, prudes and angry mob let you make any rash decisions. Your husband made a mistake and it’s perfectly possible to recover from it.

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