I just can't cope with my husband's crazy making, contempt, and cruelty anymore

[Wildfloral]

My husband and I had a fight because I woke him up last night asking him to change positions, so he'd stop snoring.

My husband snores like a monstrous beast crossed with a gravelly, raspberry-blowing, vibrating truck. But because he need his sleep for work, I don't disturb him on weekdays. I wear earplugs or leave him on the sofa if he falls asleep there for a night of good sleep.

Last night, being Friday night, I decided to tell him to stop snoring ("please for the love of god, stop!") as I'd been awake for nearly two hours trying not to murder him and then realised I can wake him and get him to change pillows/move/rearrange/unswallow his tongue as it wasn't a work night.

He reacted really badly, telling me to stop waking him up, that it wasn't fair, that he wasn't snoring, wasn't even asleep, and things like - why should I care as I was on my phone (I usually wait for him to settle down so I can fall asleep in that brief period of silence, but I have to make sure he's gonna be silent for at least twenty minutes first, It's a hard game to play), he told me I should just go to sleep, then after spouting off he said do I want him to go to the sofa ?.... yes I did, but I don't like to tell him to leave the bed... it would be nice for him to just believe me when I say his snoring is LOUD and for him to want to do something about it.

Here's the kicker.
I am EXHAUSTED. I have huge dark circles and I woke up at 12pm and was falling asleep at the table at 8pm. I am so tired because we are trying for a baby, and my hormones have made me this tired. It is 9DPO, it might be implantation. He knew this, and still didn't care that I couldn't sleep.

He was really angry. He jumped up and made a huge deal of getting a blanket (which is already on the sofa) tuning the lights on, stomping round, and then real rey started to go at me saying things like I'm stupid retarded, I'm ignorant, endless insults. I'm just lying there waiting for him to stop and leave the room.... he always says nasty things to hurt me in a fight.

I said back to him 'why did you marry me then, if you think I'm stupid?'... he started saying other mean stuff, but I can't remember. I was covering my eyes from the light and trying not to get mad... because I am trying to get pregnant and want to be healthy and happy right now, but I ended up yelling loudly as he was going off on nasty tangents: 'this is not about my intelligence this is about your snoring, you have a medical problem and it needs to get fixed, you need to go to the doctor otherwise we won't be able to share a room and you should care about me and whether I can sleep!!!'

I just can't believe he thinks he was wronged because I woke him up.

So he left, I fell asleep an hour later cos I was so hurt by the things he said, and got woken up really early to him obnoxiously on purpose making loads of noise to disturb me. I quickly took my BBT temperature and he left the house without saying goodbye. He left to do extra work about 9am.

All day long I hear nothing from him. In the morning I thought he just needed to cool off, by the afternoon I was thinking he was giving me the silent treatment, but by 9pm I was crying over my food over this.

Then he came home at 11pm. I came out from the kitchen to see him. He had a bunch of flowers almost bigger than me, it was sooooo huge in pale pinks and white the colours I love. I am not a crying kind of woman but I started to cry. I had been prepping myself all day on how to confront him and set boundaries regarding insults and name calling, and there he was with a big bunch of flowers about to apologise. I said the flowers were beautiful and then he said "can you guess they are fake flowers? I thought they would look nice in the house". They were fake but looked so real and I was just blown away by them and the gesture. Then I asked where he'd been all day etcetera, and he gave me a hug and said he'd place the flowers down for me because they were heavy.

Then we walked into the kitchen. It was at this point I paused and realised he hadn't actually apologised at all. My heart started racing wildy, maybe the hormones were affecting my heart? But anyway, I asked him what the flowers were for and he just repeated that he thought they were nice and would look good I'm the house.

My heart started pounding so badly I thought he could hear it racing. It felt like I was having a heart attack. I wanted to leave the room. I couldn't believe he'd be so callous. I asked him again, 'I thought that you were going to say something with these flowers, that you got them for me, that's why I stopped in my tracks and started crying'.
He said, 'no I don't have anything to apologise for' and 'I don't want to talk about anything tonight'..etcetera ...My heart nearly jumped out of my chest with the panic.

I'd spent all day being given the silent treatment, waiting at home not sure where he was, after he said some of the most horrid things to me (again) when I might well be pregnant (soon), only to have this trick played on me with a giant bouquet of flowers, all because I woke him up snoring and told him he needs to get it sorted, and having to shout this at him as he was escalting this and losing the plot over it (he can never stay on topic in a dispute).

My heart was racing wildly for the second time in under twenty minutes, whilst I tried to comprehend what was going on. It was like shock, a panic attack, a heart attack all in one. I clutched at it and gasped. I nearly fell. What the hell? Isn't that the cruellest thing he could do? He could have fixed it with a few words, but instead, the flowers were either a mean joke, or a coincidence that he hadn't thought through.

I told him I don't want him swearing at me, calling me names because it hurts me, it makes me feel small and little and asked why he does it. He wouldn't give me any answer... then he just walked off to sleep on the sofa and left me hanging there. I couldn't help it. I had to talk to him, I followed him in there we had a brief argument rehashing this bloody stupid argument form last night - where I realised he didn't even remember what happened last night or was trying to gaslight me, as he kept saying things that didn't happen, and out of order. I feel like I am going mad.

I told him I don't want his bouquet without an apology and threw the giant thing in the front garden. I told him if he doesn't fix these three things..1, 2 and 3. I want to separate, that I can't cope with the insanity of having my self-esteem whittled away by verbal abuse. I know I shouldn't have - Ultimatums go against my beliefs. I do not swear, I do not name call and I do not say anything in an argument below the belt. I feel awful for doing this. And I'm panicking as I have to commit to it now.

I just feel like he has ruined everything. He ruined our weekend. He ruined my TWW. He possibly ruined how I feel about my early pregnancy. I feel like this is just the icing on the cake for his cruelty. He does not respect me, he thinks I'm stupid but he was trying for a baby with me one week ago??! He has so much contempt for me and I think it must stem from shame for how he treats me.

I feel like my world is falways apart. I can't take the abuse anymore. I am SO FED UP. It's constant. He always says he'll stop, then three weeks later he's calling me names again, emotionallwly abusing me somehow, leaving me constantly on the defensive and eggshells. He always denies he has ever hurt me. I have no where to go. And I just can't take it anymore.

Sorry this probably makes no sense. It would be easier in person to express the whole story.

You need to apply for a passport - and just leave.

Hmmm hmmm

This.

And this.

@IWineAndDontDine

Hmm I don't agree. I let him sleep through every night due to work, and I just sleep a bit longer to catch up. But I was unwell and feeling exhausted, and was in a delicate state, so he should hop over to the sofa, and that wasn't really the problem. The problem was the swearing and name calling. He keeps me awake or jolts me awake all the time with his snoring but I don't react by calling him names. The problem is he doesn't even think he did anything wrong. He is such a problem. I just can't believe the flowers non-apology thing, and how it affected me like that. I don't know whether this was a last straw, or if I've just had enough, but I can't take it anymore. I am not stupid! Why does he try to hurt me like that? Like he's trying to break my person? I know they say 'hurt people hurt people', but I can't take it anymore.

This.

You haven’t failed.

You’ve learned. 😊

You’ve come along way!

Leave this idiot excuse of a man now, you have tried so many times and he keeps showing you who he really is. It will be a hundred times worse with a little baby.

You won’t be starting from scratch. You’ll be starting from experience. You know what to look for in a partner and you will find a wonderful man, I promise.

This man is holding you back from living your dreams. Don’t waste another minute on him.

You are strong. Get yourself free and start living the life you deserve

Hugs

Do not have a baby with this man. For you. And for your child: you do not want any child to grow up thinking his behaviour is acceptable. Behaviour modelling is way more powerful than you can believe until you see it.

I am serious when I say you should at the very least contact a charity which supports women in abusive relationships (this includes mental and emotional abuse), and take it from there. If you don't know any, go to your GP. On Monday.

Please look after yourself and your child.

A shit sandwich is a shit sandwich regardless of how much shit it contains.

@GeorgiaGirl52
@crew2022
@IHeartGeneHunt

🩷🩷

@airey thanks that's really sweet.

I'm just so scared and sad. I'm nearly 40 - this is not how I thought my life would end up.

It should not be this hard, especially at this stage. Imagine what it will be like with a child.

dont have a baby with this man, if just for the child’s sake. Cut your losses & find a decent human being to have a family with.

Your desire to have a baby is part of a schema or model. It'll be based on what your baby is like, what you will be like with your baby, and what day to day life involves. This information usually sits outside of conscious awareness.
I suggest you do some thinking to unpack what it is about having a baby that you are so drawn to, and what in your current life conflicts with your schema.
I have worked with many women who feel that having a baby is the most important thing in their lives and must take precedence over existing problems to later discover that they were very, very misguided.

👀

Why on earth are you trying for a baby with him?

My DH snores, he tells me to wake him and he'll go and sleep on the sofa if I can't sleep because it's particularly bad that night. I'm 27 weeks pregnant and he's kind and considerate and loving. I've had a hard pregnancy and can't imagine going through it with a partner who's abusive.

Please leave, for your sake and for your future child's sake.

Op

This man is dysfunctional and dangerous I knew without doubt that he had suffered or witnessed abuse growing up and that is now playing out in his own relationships.

It is no shock to hear that you also were exposed to such behaviour and there we have it a couple who will carry on the cycle and expose their own children to abuse who will then also carry on the cycle when they grow up

You have a choice here, why can’t you get a job? In a bar? Cleaning? Supermarket?

You know he is going to love bomb you now don’t uou?

Be Mr Nice again until he has reeled you back in

Life does not have to be like this, you can get a job and buy a passport etc

Its very risky telling him your plans though as he might try to harm you if he feels he has truly lost control

If you stay, have a baby I can tell you now your life will get 100 times worse not better

Why don’t you have a passport?

This is more simple than you think.

Contact Women’s Aid, they might be charities etc who can help you get a passport and go back home

How did you even meet this guy?

Oh and forget feeling sorry for him due to what he endured growing up as he has projected all that onto you as an adult himself

Look on the hidden hurt website for stories you’ll see yourself in them

I want to have children to teach and grow them up and see them have their own families. Life without children is not for me. I have friends in their 70s who regret this thr most. @JoyceMeadowcroft1

You sound very dramatic and were doing something that you dont usually do, and expected him just to be ok with it. Dont agree with him calling you names, or staying out all day but you did not handle it well either.

@Quitelikeit

Womens aid did help me before the pandemic, then it petered out over the phone.

speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/new-power-and-control-wheel

They showed me this, and some fits but ost doesn't.

they explained how I'd have to denounce my relationship to the council, be declared homeless and then be put on a list for urgent accommodation. But I was embarrassed. And humiliated. And it all felt so public. Thai is a small town. I was ashamed people would find out.

I can't just quit my job and go back, it was so hard trying to get a new job during pandemic and lockdowns and I was so lucky to be retrained and get this one. If I go back to my Mum, I'd not be able to do this job in that town. I think I have to stay here til I have moved up the rungs more in this profession.

But all of that is about the perceived benefit of children for you.

It isn't putting the child first. Or you wouldn't knowingly bring them into an abusive relationship where their mum is vulnerable, trapped and abused.

If you answer completely honestly - do you think that growing up under the same roof as your relationship dynamic is in a child's best interests?

This will get so much worse whilst you are pregnant and after the baby is born.

Hi @PrinnyPree

I work full time, but I'd have to find another job if I am pregnant, there's too many HSE issues with this one and a developing feotus.

I believe in marriage for life and that's why I stayed. I just think the flowers was beyond a joke and so cruel, I've told him we need to separate.

Those other incidents were spread apart - like six month or a year apart, and I did leave and went home for six weeks under the guise of catching up with friends and family.... and I thought about not going back.

I guess it's that idea of investment. I've put in so much, too much, to toss it out.

I understand your desire for a child, but can you not see how utterly selfish this is? Your desire to have a child for YOUR sake, for YOUR satisfaction is more important than the safety and well-being of that child? So to satisfy YOUR need you'll have a baby because you want one and allow your child to grow up in a household where they will be scared of daddy and will never know if nice daddy or horrid daddy is going to be around. What happens when that little innocent child wakes up daddy and he starts abusing them? Is that what you want for your child, to be a victim of abuse? Do you really want them to see that their mother is being treated so awfully by their father? Perhaps growing up to think that it's normal? Or maybe you'll have a son, who can watch the fabulous role model you have chosen as a sperm donor and grow up just like daddy and start abusing you too! They will grow up to resent you, probably hate you for not protecting them and you won't get your rosy ideal of watching them grow and have families of their own.

Surely better that your dreams die rather than your child has a life of abject misery.

Do I sound harsh and bitter? Probably, but I won't apologise as I speak from experience.