I just can't cope with my husband's crazy making, contempt, and cruelty anymore

[Wildfloral]

My husband and I had a fight because I woke him up last night asking him to change positions, so he'd stop snoring.

My husband snores like a monstrous beast crossed with a gravelly, raspberry-blowing, vibrating truck. But because he need his sleep for work, I don't disturb him on weekdays. I wear earplugs or leave him on the sofa if he falls asleep there for a night of good sleep.

Last night, being Friday night, I decided to tell him to stop snoring ("please for the love of god, stop!") as I'd been awake for nearly two hours trying not to murder him and then realised I can wake him and get him to change pillows/move/rearrange/unswallow his tongue as it wasn't a work night.

He reacted really badly, telling me to stop waking him up, that it wasn't fair, that he wasn't snoring, wasn't even asleep, and things like - why should I care as I was on my phone (I usually wait for him to settle down so I can fall asleep in that brief period of silence, but I have to make sure he's gonna be silent for at least twenty minutes first, It's a hard game to play), he told me I should just go to sleep, then after spouting off he said do I want him to go to the sofa ?.... yes I did, but I don't like to tell him to leave the bed... it would be nice for him to just believe me when I say his snoring is LOUD and for him to want to do something about it.

Here's the kicker.
I am EXHAUSTED. I have huge dark circles and I woke up at 12pm and was falling asleep at the table at 8pm. I am so tired because we are trying for a baby, and my hormones have made me this tired. It is 9DPO, it might be implantation. He knew this, and still didn't care that I couldn't sleep.

He was really angry. He jumped up and made a huge deal of getting a blanket (which is already on the sofa) tuning the lights on, stomping round, and then real rey started to go at me saying things like I'm stupid retarded, I'm ignorant, endless insults. I'm just lying there waiting for him to stop and leave the room.... he always says nasty things to hurt me in a fight.

I said back to him 'why did you marry me then, if you think I'm stupid?'... he started saying other mean stuff, but I can't remember. I was covering my eyes from the light and trying not to get mad... because I am trying to get pregnant and want to be healthy and happy right now, but I ended up yelling loudly as he was going off on nasty tangents: 'this is not about my intelligence this is about your snoring, you have a medical problem and it needs to get fixed, you need to go to the doctor otherwise we won't be able to share a room and you should care about me and whether I can sleep!!!'

I just can't believe he thinks he was wronged because I woke him up.

So he left, I fell asleep an hour later cos I was so hurt by the things he said, and got woken up really early to him obnoxiously on purpose making loads of noise to disturb me. I quickly took my BBT temperature and he left the house without saying goodbye. He left to do extra work about 9am.

All day long I hear nothing from him. In the morning I thought he just needed to cool off, by the afternoon I was thinking he was giving me the silent treatment, but by 9pm I was crying over my food over this.

Then he came home at 11pm. I came out from the kitchen to see him. He had a bunch of flowers almost bigger than me, it was sooooo huge in pale pinks and white the colours I love. I am not a crying kind of woman but I started to cry. I had been prepping myself all day on how to confront him and set boundaries regarding insults and name calling, and there he was with a big bunch of flowers about to apologise. I said the flowers were beautiful and then he said "can you guess they are fake flowers? I thought they would look nice in the house". They were fake but looked so real and I was just blown away by them and the gesture. Then I asked where he'd been all day etcetera, and he gave me a hug and said he'd place the flowers down for me because they were heavy.

Then we walked into the kitchen. It was at this point I paused and realised he hadn't actually apologised at all. My heart started racing wildy, maybe the hormones were affecting my heart? But anyway, I asked him what the flowers were for and he just repeated that he thought they were nice and would look good I'm the house.

My heart started pounding so badly I thought he could hear it racing. It felt like I was having a heart attack. I wanted to leave the room. I couldn't believe he'd be so callous. I asked him again, 'I thought that you were going to say something with these flowers, that you got them for me, that's why I stopped in my tracks and started crying'.
He said, 'no I don't have anything to apologise for' and 'I don't want to talk about anything tonight'..etcetera ...My heart nearly jumped out of my chest with the panic.

I'd spent all day being given the silent treatment, waiting at home not sure where he was, after he said some of the most horrid things to me (again) when I might well be pregnant (soon), only to have this trick played on me with a giant bouquet of flowers, all because I woke him up snoring and told him he needs to get it sorted, and having to shout this at him as he was escalting this and losing the plot over it (he can never stay on topic in a dispute).

My heart was racing wildly for the second time in under twenty minutes, whilst I tried to comprehend what was going on. It was like shock, a panic attack, a heart attack all in one. I clutched at it and gasped. I nearly fell. What the hell? Isn't that the cruellest thing he could do? He could have fixed it with a few words, but instead, the flowers were either a mean joke, or a coincidence that he hadn't thought through.

I told him I don't want him swearing at me, calling me names because it hurts me, it makes me feel small and little and asked why he does it. He wouldn't give me any answer... then he just walked off to sleep on the sofa and left me hanging there. I couldn't help it. I had to talk to him, I followed him in there we had a brief argument rehashing this bloody stupid argument form last night - where I realised he didn't even remember what happened last night or was trying to gaslight me, as he kept saying things that didn't happen, and out of order. I feel like I am going mad.

I told him I don't want his bouquet without an apology and threw the giant thing in the front garden. I told him if he doesn't fix these three things..1, 2 and 3. I want to separate, that I can't cope with the insanity of having my self-esteem whittled away by verbal abuse. I know I shouldn't have - Ultimatums go against my beliefs. I do not swear, I do not name call and I do not say anything in an argument below the belt. I feel awful for doing this. And I'm panicking as I have to commit to it now.

I just feel like he has ruined everything. He ruined our weekend. He ruined my TWW. He possibly ruined how I feel about my early pregnancy. I feel like this is just the icing on the cake for his cruelty. He does not respect me, he thinks I'm stupid but he was trying for a baby with me one week ago??! He has so much contempt for me and I think it must stem from shame for how he treats me.

I feel like my world is falways apart. I can't take the abuse anymore. I am SO FED UP. It's constant. He always says he'll stop, then three weeks later he's calling me names again, emotionallwly abusing me somehow, leaving me constantly on the defensive and eggshells. He always denies he has ever hurt me. I have no where to go. And I just can't take it anymore.

Sorry this probably makes no sense. It would be easier in person to express the whole story.

Hi yes I was rambling in that first post. Yes I am in an abusive relationship and the things I’ve experienced - people here would be so cruel to hear I stayed, but that’s what happens… especially when you throw in losing your job when I was trying to get out after years of shit, no self esteem, and I got scared then too. This job has made me feel a bit more worthwhile, and things were going so well since then. I didn’t realise how much his good behaviour is really tied up to whether or not life is stressful. So everyone knows babies challenge the status quo, and I was stupid, but hopeful, that as everything was good now, it would remain good with a newborn. I can see he will be disastrous with me. He won’t have any patience for wild hormone swings, or any kind words for me if I’m not coping one day. We have already completed this cycle TCC, it’s just a waiting game now. I just don’t get how he can let everything burn. I feel so frustrated and like I lost. This would be my last chance to have a family, due to my age, so I’d be letting go of that too when I walk away. I have a friend in London, who I am going to ask to stay with whilst things calm down, as I don’t think I should be here alone and packing etc.

They generally do not change.

Also some things are unforgivable and should not be forgiven.

It sounds like he's physically attacked you. He could have damaged your ears permanently and deafened you. Halle Berry is deaf in one ear because Wesley Snipes hit her on the ear/side of her head.

And he's repeatedly, horribly verbally abusive and derogatory/contemptuous.

Even if he stopped and changed, you really have to wonder if things like that should be forgiven. But he won't stop, extremely unlikely.

Hi @TicketBoo23 I can see every facet of your reasoning, but if I got pregnant, I would keep the baby. I had an abortion about twenty years ago when I was too young, and it was a really difficult decision but it was precisely the reasons you gave here that spurred me on - I didn’t want to be a single mum looking for love with someone who wanted someone else’s baby, I know it happens, but I couldn’t do it. However, this might be my last chance due to my age and I wouldn’t be able to risk it. I think I’d really feel the wrath of God if I threw this away, or my own soul-crushing regret.

OP, I was not blaming you for not getting a job. I was merely questioning why you thought,as you stated, that the government made you dependent upon him?

I don't blame you for any of your current or past issues, and clearly you blame him, the government, your hormones , etc.

My only thought is that you are 2 people who don't bring out the best in each other , and you would each do better living apart.

but if I got pregnant, I would keep the baby.

I'm not suggesting an abortion; I'm saying prevent conception with the morning after pill or iud coil.

However, this might be my last chance due to my age

How old are you op (sorry if you've said it already and I've missed it)?

My only thought is that you are 2 people who don't bring out the best in each other

My thoughts are he's an abusive bastard and would not "bring out the best" in anyone.

Let's be honest

You're hoping he's going to see the light and respond to your ultimatum by changing into a different person.

You are insane to consider being pregnant by this man.

Good luck, you're going to bloody well need it

@mari9999

I lost my job, that means no money, that means I applied for benefits in the interim. However I found out that current policy in the UK measures both people in the partnership to see if you are eligible, and due to being married to someone who earned over the threshold for UC, I was not entitled to any assistance. Therefore, as my spouse’s dependent, I was financially dependent on him, and he was obligated to support me. Whoever is working has to support their dependent partner.

It felt awful to be so financially dependent and vulnerable, but that is how the current system works, So in essence, government policy made me dependent on him. It’s not like they came out and strongarmed me into subservience, it’s just an unfortunate outcome of assessing a couple as a single unit.

Is that clearer?

And yes I do blame him for his violence, insults and swearing. I have tried plenty to work with him and forgive him, move on, I am just at the end of my tether.

Hi yes I was rambling in that first post

It's totally normal for posters to post on here about one issue, and then for other issues to come out.

People will often vent about the immediate issue and then expand into longer term/ongoing issues.

I just thought it was a snoring thing and was going to say that snorers and non snorers.are totally incompatible and you need separate sleeping places. But actually he's an abuser and I don't think you should stay with him, no matter what happens.

Yes it’s what we all want, that’s why we stay, because we love them and can see them for their good qualities as well. I can dream and hope, but the other day REALLY hurt me because the thought that he could treat me like that when I MIGHT Be pregnant really made me see he wasn’t going to change and see the light. The flowers made me think he had seen the light, which I why I was so shaken and moved by them. Which is also why they ended up in the garden when I realised that hope was dashed.

@TicketBoo23
Whatever he is, the only relevant part is that these are 2 people who should not be living together.

Not much good comes from making them villain and victim. The solution is for each of them to go their separate ways.

It’s not obvious whether she means ‘here’ as in, her current home with him (in the U.K.), or ‘here’ as in the U.K., but elsewhere. Thus the question. And follow up questions as to whether she’s ending it.

Haha this made me laugh - I’ve never had a problem before (except my first BF, who I immediately left when he hurt me) with anyone. I’ve had one bad interaction with a past flatmate and it shocked me so much I remember it clearly even today. I usually get on with everyone, but he is very hard to. Friends told me he was mean when I met him, but I didn’t see it, thought they meant his sense of humour was mean. I’ve been told since that I was probably ‘love bombed’ but it doesn’t quite fit.

Yes lots of other things come up in these kind of posts. Maybe I am too open.

Oh I see, well we TTC last cycle and won’t be doing that again.
But I really can’t take the morning after pill. It would feel so evil when I have wanted this so much. I’d rather it be in the hands of God. Sorry that’s not the answer that you want, or makes the most sense, I see your reasoning.

I am 39 turning 40.

We live in the UK.

He has, I’ve let it go… contempt is the right word. I think he hates me because I have stayed after what he’s done. Ironic, right? If I’d left back then, he might still respect me. I feel like dirt.

What should I say to him when he comes home? He left the house really early this morning again to avoid dealing with this.

How about you aim for that with a man who will be a decent partner and father?

Then don’t tell him you’re pregnant ( if you are)
Contact Women’s Aid and hopefully they’ll find you a place in a refuge while you get your passport and can go home to your family.
If you aren’t pregnant you can still do the same.

Remind yourself that babies cry at night, sometimes for a long time. Is your husband going to rant every time he’s disturbed by a crying baby?
As PP have said abuse frequently ramps up during pregnancy and after childbirth, he’s not going to turn into a doting saint overnight.
And don’t be swayed by a bunch of fake flowers, they mean nothing.

You type an awful lot similar to the hyper emotional way that Julia lass speaks on her livestreams while she claims to be Madeleine. Spookily similar.

Go online.
Order a passport. They're coming quite quickly at the moment.

Contact your mum. Book a flight, Resign from your job. Go

But he is the "villain" .... And it's extremely unwise to imply an abuse victim brings out the worst in her abuser.

It's for the best that you leave him regardless if you're pregnant or not.

Your best option is to stay at your friend's in London whilst you find yourself somewhere to rent.

You'll also have space to decide what to do about going to your home country based on if your pregnant or not.

Have you considered that if you bring a child into this relationship, social services might get involved, especially as there has already been violence ?

I know three women who had babies in their 40s. Leaving him doesn't mean saying goodbye to a family. Staying with him means you'll definitely not have the happy family you dream of.

I’m sorry but no. You don’t need ‘strength of character’ to have a decent life with no children. But that’s by the by. No, I don’t believe you are ‘hormonal’ because you are TTC. Unless you were ‘hormonal’ at the same time in your cycle when you were not TTC but not on contraception (like before you met), you don’t suddenly get more hormonal because you are TTC 🤨

Similarly if all it takes to get pregnant is to not be stressed out, you’d have no babies conceived in war zones, and it would be much easier to get pregnant and the ‘all you have to do is relax’ advice would be worth more… honestly I think it’s not as deep as you’re making it, with all the business about not getting stressed. The guy sounds like a dickhead and you are better off not TTC with him at all.

@LeavesOnTrees

Had a sort of argument with husband...not a very satisfying outcome. He doesn't think swearing at me at calling me retard etc is that bad. Grrrr. He also said he wasn't thinking when he bought the gift bouquet home that was for the house would be construed as part of an apologetic gesture.

Yes, so I'm going to London for a few weeks.
I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I can continue working in the UK and save some money. If I find out I'm pregnant, I will move back to my home country in couple of months.

Thanks for all the advice and support over this awful weekend.