I just can't cope with my husband's crazy making, contempt, and cruelty anymore

[Wildfloral]

My husband and I had a fight because I woke him up last night asking him to change positions, so he'd stop snoring.

My husband snores like a monstrous beast crossed with a gravelly, raspberry-blowing, vibrating truck. But because he need his sleep for work, I don't disturb him on weekdays. I wear earplugs or leave him on the sofa if he falls asleep there for a night of good sleep.

Last night, being Friday night, I decided to tell him to stop snoring ("please for the love of god, stop!") as I'd been awake for nearly two hours trying not to murder him and then realised I can wake him and get him to change pillows/move/rearrange/unswallow his tongue as it wasn't a work night.

He reacted really badly, telling me to stop waking him up, that it wasn't fair, that he wasn't snoring, wasn't even asleep, and things like - why should I care as I was on my phone (I usually wait for him to settle down so I can fall asleep in that brief period of silence, but I have to make sure he's gonna be silent for at least twenty minutes first, It's a hard game to play), he told me I should just go to sleep, then after spouting off he said do I want him to go to the sofa ?.... yes I did, but I don't like to tell him to leave the bed... it would be nice for him to just believe me when I say his snoring is LOUD and for him to want to do something about it.

Here's the kicker.
I am EXHAUSTED. I have huge dark circles and I woke up at 12pm and was falling asleep at the table at 8pm. I am so tired because we are trying for a baby, and my hormones have made me this tired. It is 9DPO, it might be implantation. He knew this, and still didn't care that I couldn't sleep.

He was really angry. He jumped up and made a huge deal of getting a blanket (which is already on the sofa) tuning the lights on, stomping round, and then real rey started to go at me saying things like I'm stupid retarded, I'm ignorant, endless insults. I'm just lying there waiting for him to stop and leave the room.... he always says nasty things to hurt me in a fight.

I said back to him 'why did you marry me then, if you think I'm stupid?'... he started saying other mean stuff, but I can't remember. I was covering my eyes from the light and trying not to get mad... because I am trying to get pregnant and want to be healthy and happy right now, but I ended up yelling loudly as he was going off on nasty tangents: 'this is not about my intelligence this is about your snoring, you have a medical problem and it needs to get fixed, you need to go to the doctor otherwise we won't be able to share a room and you should care about me and whether I can sleep!!!'

I just can't believe he thinks he was wronged because I woke him up.

So he left, I fell asleep an hour later cos I was so hurt by the things he said, and got woken up really early to him obnoxiously on purpose making loads of noise to disturb me. I quickly took my BBT temperature and he left the house without saying goodbye. He left to do extra work about 9am.

All day long I hear nothing from him. In the morning I thought he just needed to cool off, by the afternoon I was thinking he was giving me the silent treatment, but by 9pm I was crying over my food over this.

Then he came home at 11pm. I came out from the kitchen to see him. He had a bunch of flowers almost bigger than me, it was sooooo huge in pale pinks and white the colours I love. I am not a crying kind of woman but I started to cry. I had been prepping myself all day on how to confront him and set boundaries regarding insults and name calling, and there he was with a big bunch of flowers about to apologise. I said the flowers were beautiful and then he said "can you guess they are fake flowers? I thought they would look nice in the house". They were fake but looked so real and I was just blown away by them and the gesture. Then I asked where he'd been all day etcetera, and he gave me a hug and said he'd place the flowers down for me because they were heavy.

Then we walked into the kitchen. It was at this point I paused and realised he hadn't actually apologised at all. My heart started racing wildy, maybe the hormones were affecting my heart? But anyway, I asked him what the flowers were for and he just repeated that he thought they were nice and would look good I'm the house.

My heart started pounding so badly I thought he could hear it racing. It felt like I was having a heart attack. I wanted to leave the room. I couldn't believe he'd be so callous. I asked him again, 'I thought that you were going to say something with these flowers, that you got them for me, that's why I stopped in my tracks and started crying'.
He said, 'no I don't have anything to apologise for' and 'I don't want to talk about anything tonight'..etcetera ...My heart nearly jumped out of my chest with the panic.

I'd spent all day being given the silent treatment, waiting at home not sure where he was, after he said some of the most horrid things to me (again) when I might well be pregnant (soon), only to have this trick played on me with a giant bouquet of flowers, all because I woke him up snoring and told him he needs to get it sorted, and having to shout this at him as he was escalting this and losing the plot over it (he can never stay on topic in a dispute).

My heart was racing wildly for the second time in under twenty minutes, whilst I tried to comprehend what was going on. It was like shock, a panic attack, a heart attack all in one. I clutched at it and gasped. I nearly fell. What the hell? Isn't that the cruellest thing he could do? He could have fixed it with a few words, but instead, the flowers were either a mean joke, or a coincidence that he hadn't thought through.

I told him I don't want him swearing at me, calling me names because it hurts me, it makes me feel small and little and asked why he does it. He wouldn't give me any answer... then he just walked off to sleep on the sofa and left me hanging there. I couldn't help it. I had to talk to him, I followed him in there we had a brief argument rehashing this bloody stupid argument form last night - where I realised he didn't even remember what happened last night or was trying to gaslight me, as he kept saying things that didn't happen, and out of order. I feel like I am going mad.

I told him I don't want his bouquet without an apology and threw the giant thing in the front garden. I told him if he doesn't fix these three things..1, 2 and 3. I want to separate, that I can't cope with the insanity of having my self-esteem whittled away by verbal abuse. I know I shouldn't have - Ultimatums go against my beliefs. I do not swear, I do not name call and I do not say anything in an argument below the belt. I feel awful for doing this. And I'm panicking as I have to commit to it now.

I just feel like he has ruined everything. He ruined our weekend. He ruined my TWW. He possibly ruined how I feel about my early pregnancy. I feel like this is just the icing on the cake for his cruelty. He does not respect me, he thinks I'm stupid but he was trying for a baby with me one week ago??! He has so much contempt for me and I think it must stem from shame for how he treats me.

I feel like my world is falways apart. I can't take the abuse anymore. I am SO FED UP. It's constant. He always says he'll stop, then three weeks later he's calling me names again, emotionallwly abusing me somehow, leaving me constantly on the defensive and eggshells. He always denies he has ever hurt me. I have no where to go. And I just can't take it anymore.

Sorry this probably makes no sense. It would be easier in person to express the whole story.

The baby is just a band aid that you want to stick over the wound of a bad relationship. It won't work. Having a baby will make you MORE vulnerable, not less.

And i think you need to know that its not as if you can just walk away WITH your baby/child as and when you've had enough. If he is as manipulative as he sounds, he will make you seem like the unhinged one to gain sole custody, and then you are separated from your child and he keeps someone to abuse.
Not saying this WILL happen (no one can) but know this is a possibility if you go ahead with conceiving.

I hope it’s fake so there isn’t a potential baby entering this unhealthy dynamic (abusive father and overly dramatic mother).

And you want a baby 👶 in this kind of situation too????

If you have issues with your partner snoring
Can you amagine what it be like with seeming endless
sleepness nights with a baby in the mix in this situation too?

L.o l
Bonkers !!@Wildfloral

At least L.o.l
Your Partner snoring keeping you awake , ⏰️ will prep you up, for what life can /is like in reality with a new born 👶 baby,
L.o.l

He’s beaten you up?

Forget having a baby (if you are pregnant, it’s not going to show yet).

Get a job asap and get a flat somewhere.

He’s going to get worse.

I'll probably get flamed for this but honestly the way you have written your op is so dramatic, like you relished every minute of writing it and enjoyed every second remembering it.

If this is real and you are not a writer then you are not compatible.

Hope you are ok OP.

How old are you?

Can we help you make a plan to be independent?

Just remind me again, how many times did your heart start racing during the argument?
If you are so exhausted that you have dark circles just from TTC how do you propose to take care of a baby that doesn't sleep for more than an hour or so at a time, possibly for years depending on what type of sleeper they are?
I call Billy bullshit but just on the off-chance it's not, you are not ready to be a mother and certainly not with him as the father.

Are you out of your mind?

The most important part of having a baby, becoming a parent, is the ability to put that baby first. Their physical, mental and emotional wellbeing.
Having a child now with this man would be the most ridiculous, selfish thing you could possibly do, showing absolutely zero regard for the child's welfare. No baby should be brought into a house where that is the model of the relationship.

You need to get shot of him and get yourself in a safe, stable position before you even consider a child.

It isn't just about what YOU want. It's about what a child NEEDS. They need a safe, stable, loving home and you are in no position to provide that.

I really don't understand why you're staying with him let alone having a baby by him.

If you do get pregnant all you're doing is tying yourself down and making it incredibly difficult to get out of the relationship.

Filtering out the dramatics of you nearly having a heart attack, you are in a relationship with someone who refuses to acknowledge their snoring is a problem and has showered you with a barrage of abuse. Do not stay with him. You will not change him op but you can change your reaction, you do not have to put up with it and you can leave. If you chose to put up with it and have a baby with him it will become increasingly hard to leave.

I couldn't agree more. He's an abusive bully and you're an over dramatic thriver

don't bring a poor baby into this mess

Why the fuck would you want a baby with this man.

Honestly just value yourself more. And value your future unborn child more by choosing a better father for them.

OP I'm not sure why you're surprised by his behaviour?

He's shown you before who he is. Start believing him.

Get the MAP and forget all ideas of having a baby with this man.

Why are you stuck with him? Why can't you leave?

Hi @Wildfloral I completely understand that you want to be a Mother. It can be an overwhelming urge. Unfortunately it can sometimes overwhelm common sense and practicality.

I'm going to assume you don't want to be a mother just for the sake of it, at any cost. I think you'll want to be a good mother. Someone who puts her child first. If that is the case, you can't have a child with this man. You would be making a choice that lands a child with a dreadful father. You would be making a choice that lands a child with a father who doesn't love their mother, doesn't respect her and mistreats her. Even if their mother does the right thing and leaves their father, they will still be landed with a bullying, selfish, abusive father.

Why would you want that for a child?

It would be so wrong to bring a child in to your relationship.

Forget for a moment about having a baby, park that idea up.... just think about you and your relationship. When you were younger, what did you dream / imagine your future relationships would look like? Did you imagine being with someone who treats you like an idiot? Shouts? Stops? Refuses to apologise when they're in the wrong? Insults you? Says you're ignorant?

Can you see the dischord between how the 2 of you act? You think about his wellbeing, let him sleep, try to loko after yourself so you can conceive a baby. He acts like a selfish idiot and doesn't care a jot about your wellbeing.

Relationships aren't meant to be like that. This is not a loving, respectful relationship of two equals. And they aren't 'flaws' by the way. 'Flaws' are minor, innocent querks that we all have. He is abusive.

The flowers were meant not as an apology (he still says he's done nothing wrong). They were meant to shut you up because he knows he was in the wrong and he doesn't want you going on at him and reminding him of it. He wants to shut you up (he even said he didn't want to talk). Your needs and feelings don't matter to him.

He will get worse. You will end up hating him. Or a shell of your former self. Or likely both. This is no place for a child.

@ScreamingTree

• *yeah I understand what you mean. I have thought about that kind if thing before.

It's just that when he's not like this he's just his normal, funny, smart self. People always look down on women who say that and stay, and I get it, but they don't understand the dynamic - that I want him to be better person, and was willing to let him try to improve.

there are so many messages here whilst I fell asleep, that I can't answer them all.

I could eventually try to go back to my country but the flights so expensive, I have pets, and I don't even have a valid passport so it's not like I can just fly out tomorrow, not to mention I have a job. I have a job but Health and Safety would mean I'd have to quit if I were pregnant.

I have to iterate that things had been going to well and that was why we moved on in our marriage to TTC.

My heart racing was probably adrenaline like someone mentioned here, and that's why I got so freaked out, I guess I just needed to know I wasn't nuts. I feel like I'm going nuts.
I felt like I was being played a joke upon.

I told him we need to separate and I don't know how that will work. Honestly I'm scared, lonely, sad, ashamed.

@bakewellbride

Yes I get it. My dad hurt my mum too when I was little, but he was basically never around and she divorced him a few yeas later.

The divorce never bothered me, my dad was never around growing up anyway, I hardly saw him after age three. I was pretty unimpressed by him...

I always said I never wanted to be a) a single parent like her (I actually had a pretty great childhood but she struggled so much scraping by) and b) never stay with someone who hurt me.

I left my first boyfriend the first time he got rough with me, pulling and throwing me round.... spent my whole life having fun, loving but unsuccessful relationships only to end up back where I started, but now married. I feel like I failed.

I can't believe it.

You come across as desperate to have a baby and because of that you are blindly ignoring that your partner is NOT the right man to have one with.

This is so sad to read. It just shouldn't be this hard to be with someone - if it is, it's a sign that it's not right!

You need to split up with this man, how on earth can you contemplate that he will provide any kind of help with a baby if you have one? The kind of man that goes into a fourteen hour sulk because you woke him him, and then pretends not to remember afterwards and coincidentally comes home with flowers and no apology afterwards? He knew EXACTLY what he was doing and why.

I was a child to parents like this. I am 45 now and have complex ptsd. I have been in therapy for years and I will never really get over the damage done to me by my dad who was just like your husband and I hated my mother for never leaving him and never protecting me.

She was too afraid of him to stand up to him or leave him. So she enabled his abuse of me too.

Never have children with men who treat you like this. Your children WILL notice and it will stunt their development for life.

OK, stay with him then 🤷‍♀️ upto you if you decide that's a good enough life.

But it is frankly selfish as anything to bring a baby into that kind of family. It is well known what growing up around emotional immaturity, a volatile parent, parents who aren't a team on the same page etc. Does to kids. Your kid will grow into adulthood miserable with poor self esteem but that's OK because YOU want a baby. Got it.

@YetiTeri

Yes. Thank you.

Yes I know what you mean. I'm scared I'm already pregnant and will not be allowed to go back to my country to be with my family for assistance because the UK would call that abduction.

anyway I am getting ahead of myself.

You are fine to go whilst pregnant - it’s different if there’s an actual baby.