I just can't cope with my husband's crazy making, contempt, and cruelty anymore

[Wildfloral]

My husband and I had a fight because I woke him up last night asking him to change positions, so he'd stop snoring.

My husband snores like a monstrous beast crossed with a gravelly, raspberry-blowing, vibrating truck. But because he need his sleep for work, I don't disturb him on weekdays. I wear earplugs or leave him on the sofa if he falls asleep there for a night of good sleep.

Last night, being Friday night, I decided to tell him to stop snoring ("please for the love of god, stop!") as I'd been awake for nearly two hours trying not to murder him and then realised I can wake him and get him to change pillows/move/rearrange/unswallow his tongue as it wasn't a work night.

He reacted really badly, telling me to stop waking him up, that it wasn't fair, that he wasn't snoring, wasn't even asleep, and things like - why should I care as I was on my phone (I usually wait for him to settle down so I can fall asleep in that brief period of silence, but I have to make sure he's gonna be silent for at least twenty minutes first, It's a hard game to play), he told me I should just go to sleep, then after spouting off he said do I want him to go to the sofa ?.... yes I did, but I don't like to tell him to leave the bed... it would be nice for him to just believe me when I say his snoring is LOUD and for him to want to do something about it.

Here's the kicker.
I am EXHAUSTED. I have huge dark circles and I woke up at 12pm and was falling asleep at the table at 8pm. I am so tired because we are trying for a baby, and my hormones have made me this tired. It is 9DPO, it might be implantation. He knew this, and still didn't care that I couldn't sleep.

He was really angry. He jumped up and made a huge deal of getting a blanket (which is already on the sofa) tuning the lights on, stomping round, and then real rey started to go at me saying things like I'm stupid retarded, I'm ignorant, endless insults. I'm just lying there waiting for him to stop and leave the room.... he always says nasty things to hurt me in a fight.

I said back to him 'why did you marry me then, if you think I'm stupid?'... he started saying other mean stuff, but I can't remember. I was covering my eyes from the light and trying not to get mad... because I am trying to get pregnant and want to be healthy and happy right now, but I ended up yelling loudly as he was going off on nasty tangents: 'this is not about my intelligence this is about your snoring, you have a medical problem and it needs to get fixed, you need to go to the doctor otherwise we won't be able to share a room and you should care about me and whether I can sleep!!!'

I just can't believe he thinks he was wronged because I woke him up.

So he left, I fell asleep an hour later cos I was so hurt by the things he said, and got woken up really early to him obnoxiously on purpose making loads of noise to disturb me. I quickly took my BBT temperature and he left the house without saying goodbye. He left to do extra work about 9am.

All day long I hear nothing from him. In the morning I thought he just needed to cool off, by the afternoon I was thinking he was giving me the silent treatment, but by 9pm I was crying over my food over this.

Then he came home at 11pm. I came out from the kitchen to see him. He had a bunch of flowers almost bigger than me, it was sooooo huge in pale pinks and white the colours I love. I am not a crying kind of woman but I started to cry. I had been prepping myself all day on how to confront him and set boundaries regarding insults and name calling, and there he was with a big bunch of flowers about to apologise. I said the flowers were beautiful and then he said "can you guess they are fake flowers? I thought they would look nice in the house". They were fake but looked so real and I was just blown away by them and the gesture. Then I asked where he'd been all day etcetera, and he gave me a hug and said he'd place the flowers down for me because they were heavy.

Then we walked into the kitchen. It was at this point I paused and realised he hadn't actually apologised at all. My heart started racing wildy, maybe the hormones were affecting my heart? But anyway, I asked him what the flowers were for and he just repeated that he thought they were nice and would look good I'm the house.

My heart started pounding so badly I thought he could hear it racing. It felt like I was having a heart attack. I wanted to leave the room. I couldn't believe he'd be so callous. I asked him again, 'I thought that you were going to say something with these flowers, that you got them for me, that's why I stopped in my tracks and started crying'.
He said, 'no I don't have anything to apologise for' and 'I don't want to talk about anything tonight'..etcetera ...My heart nearly jumped out of my chest with the panic.

I'd spent all day being given the silent treatment, waiting at home not sure where he was, after he said some of the most horrid things to me (again) when I might well be pregnant (soon), only to have this trick played on me with a giant bouquet of flowers, all because I woke him up snoring and told him he needs to get it sorted, and having to shout this at him as he was escalting this and losing the plot over it (he can never stay on topic in a dispute).

My heart was racing wildly for the second time in under twenty minutes, whilst I tried to comprehend what was going on. It was like shock, a panic attack, a heart attack all in one. I clutched at it and gasped. I nearly fell. What the hell? Isn't that the cruellest thing he could do? He could have fixed it with a few words, but instead, the flowers were either a mean joke, or a coincidence that he hadn't thought through.

I told him I don't want him swearing at me, calling me names because it hurts me, it makes me feel small and little and asked why he does it. He wouldn't give me any answer... then he just walked off to sleep on the sofa and left me hanging there. I couldn't help it. I had to talk to him, I followed him in there we had a brief argument rehashing this bloody stupid argument form last night - where I realised he didn't even remember what happened last night or was trying to gaslight me, as he kept saying things that didn't happen, and out of order. I feel like I am going mad.

I told him I don't want his bouquet without an apology and threw the giant thing in the front garden. I told him if he doesn't fix these three things..1, 2 and 3. I want to separate, that I can't cope with the insanity of having my self-esteem whittled away by verbal abuse. I know I shouldn't have - Ultimatums go against my beliefs. I do not swear, I do not name call and I do not say anything in an argument below the belt. I feel awful for doing this. And I'm panicking as I have to commit to it now.

I just feel like he has ruined everything. He ruined our weekend. He ruined my TWW. He possibly ruined how I feel about my early pregnancy. I feel like this is just the icing on the cake for his cruelty. He does not respect me, he thinks I'm stupid but he was trying for a baby with me one week ago??! He has so much contempt for me and I think it must stem from shame for how he treats me.

I feel like my world is falways apart. I can't take the abuse anymore. I am SO FED UP. It's constant. He always says he'll stop, then three weeks later he's calling me names again, emotionallwly abusing me somehow, leaving me constantly on the defensive and eggshells. He always denies he has ever hurt me. I have no where to go. And I just can't take it anymore.

Sorry this probably makes no sense. It would be easier in person to express the whole story.

@ZeroFuchsGiven

I don't think I'm dramatic I was upset. I was writing it all down last night to get opinions. I was writing it as it all came rushing out so I know it was a mess. I keep notes of nasty things because when I was being taught at the women's aid about power and control they said it helps. So you know it happened. So you know you're not crazy.

You want your husband to be someone he is incapable of being.

He will never be the loving, non abusive kind man you dream of. He puts on a pretence every now and then to make you stay, but as soon as you're pregnant and then have a baby this pretence will be less and less as you'll be more stuck with him and very vulnerable.

You have a job which should mean you should be able to rent yourself a small place whilst you start divorce proceedings.

Don't focus on the investment you've already made but the happy future you can have away from this man.

Lastly it would be cruel to bring a child knto this relationship.

No one is going to say this is OK. You need to work out how to leave this excuse of a man, not bring a child into the relationship.

Think this through with a counsellor. Who owns your house, or whose name is on the rental, do you have a right to remain in this country; is there any issue with immigration status, sounds like there isn't - just be practical work things out and tell him its over. You cannot possibly think you should inflict this on a baby?

@IWantToBeACat

I know I know! I never wanted that! I donning want to perpetuate a cycle of violence. I thought I was doing to the right thing and helping him, a child victim, achieve better. He does not want to be like his father. I saw violence but did not grow up broken. Not every victim ends up being a perpetrator. I loved him and gave him the benefit of the doubt to show me. His brother is somewhat more disturbed than him, but is also very successful and is a good father, despite having some grating personality quirks, I don't think the children will grow up damaged. You all say I'm stupid for staying with him, for giving him chances. He says I'm stupid too. It breaks my heart to see how how wrecked I am.

I don't think you're stupid, I think you're being abused.

I do think it would be incredibly irresponsible and completely selfish to continue considering to have a child with this man.

@Wildfloral - you owe it yourself and your future kids to escape.
I man who is uncontrollably abusive when tired is not able to fix this when a baby enters the marriage.
Sunk cost fallacy right there.

I had 2 children with my abusive first husband.
I finally realized that leaving him FOR THE CHILDREN was the solution.
Extracting myself with 2 children was hard, but the absolute joy was felt by us all.
Also, he became a better father.

My third child was a surprise, but it was an incredible experience. A husband who actually wanted to be an engaged partner, and father.
No abusive tired self indulgent nonsense.

It's not fair. It's not easy.
But you won't change
It's not ideal, but your future self will be grateful if you leave him ASAP.

Your husband sounds dreadful. You sound like a self-obsessed drama queen.

@3LittleFishes well I thought the racing heart was weird and like a huge big flag saying this is trickery and that's why I wanted to ask people about it. It wasn't normal. My body had a crazy strong physical reaction, like I literally got my heart broken on the spot.

@WonderingWanda

Yes I like your post. Yes I want to change my reaction to him. I thought I had no skills to mange rude behaviour, I started to feel like I don't know how any woman gets respect from her man. I told him I want to separate and I'm so scared because I Don are Ultimatums and now I made this huge one and I have to go.

DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN!!!!
You'll be even more tired with a baby and the name calling is awful.

I started to feel like I don't know how any woman gets respect from her man

I promise you, in a healthy relationship the absolute baseline default is for your partner to respect you.

Respect isn't something you have to persuade a non abusive person to 'give' you. It's something they have naturally. A man respecting you isn't doing you a favour or going above and beyond.

Your expectations are far too low and you need to leave this relationship and have some counselling to explore this before you think about dating anyone again or having children.

@WeCome1

Yes! I am 39.

Someone mentioned sunk cost fallacy and this is it!

I saw violence but did not grow up broken. Not every victim ends up being a perpetrator.

But you did end up broken didn't you? You even admit yourself:
It breaks my heart to see how how wrecked I am.

No, of course not every victim ends up being a perpetrator. But they do grow up damaged. Just like you and your husband were victims of your respective childhoods, he did grow up to be a perpetrator and you have grown up to be a victim... I was lucky, I did not grow up to be a perpetrator, and I'm certainly not a victim but I am damaged deep down inside.

You are not stupid, but you are being wilfully selfish. If you decide not to break the cycle and stay with this man because you feel you can somehow "save" him (you cannot, he will change for short periods, when it suits him, but he will always revert to abuse!), and you feel it's too late / too difficult to leave now, your child / children WILL be damaged. It's inevitable.

@monsteramunch

Okay. I'm so messed up. I'm educated, well-travelled and here I am being treated like shit. And I let it because I stayed. But it's not like you can just leave when you're married otherwise it wouldn't be marriage, right? Life's been hard for everyone these past couple of years, and I felt like everything was looking up. Whilst I was looking up, he tripped me over.

What a load of rubbish. Grow up and stop even thinking about breeding with this horrible man.

I am drowning. Thanks for seeing it. I've tried to get help but I'm so isolated and then I was financially trapped. And then things changed for the better... and I made the mistake to believe it.

I'm scared to go, what if this pregnancy is not successful? I don't have the benefit of waiting to find a new partner. That would mean a life of no children, no noise in the house, no little voices, no teaching them how to cook and how the world works. Oh god it hurts to think of such an empty, pointless life. I'm stuck in a Catch 22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

"Little voices" - the voices of helpless children growing up in an abusive home. Trapped between a nasty man and a spineless woman.

@Sirikit and you sound like an abusive man?? Dismissive and unsupportive comments on a forum to help women.

No, I just see through your ridiculous fake post.

Marriage isn't just about staying no matter what.

He isn't living up to his marriage vows. He has broken those vows. He has broken the marriage. He's breaking you.

You know that anxious, heart racing panicky feeling he gives you? That will be your child's default, baseline setting if they have to grow up under the same roof as this dynamic. Im sorry but it would be so selfish to knowingly inflict that on a child. They'll think that's a normal way to feel all of the time. They'd carry that with them forever and end up in a relationship like yours because it's what they think is acceptable.

And it's foolish to even describe what he's like on good days. Imagine what he's like on the days is the most tired and the most stressed. Because that's what you'll both be when the baby arrives, you'll be operating on high stress and lack of sleep. It is incredibly tough on strong and loving partners. It's intolerable in abusive relationships.

You cannot possibly think that having a child with this man would be fair on the child?

Don't have a baby with this man.

I had a baby was my abusive ex because I was desperate for a family and it was the worst mistake of my life.

You do not want to be forever tied to an abuser. And you don't want to bring a child up in hell.

‘Can't believe he was stupid enough to think I would think they were anything other than for an apology.’

He didn’t. He got them to make you think they were for an apology so he could hurt you and send you spiraling further when you realised they weren’t.

He planned it that way. Leave him. Even if you’re pregnant leave him.

Leave him.

To be honest, I do question the intelligence of anyone who thinks it is acceptable to intentionally bring a child into this environment. What is that teaching them? "I wanted a baby, what you needed didn't matter. Now, shh! Don't annoy daddy."

Honestly @Sirikit that's worrying you think someone would spend hours writing on mumsnet, up half the night and awake early, to read all the advice I can get. People usually project what they would do onto someone else's behaviour. Would you do that? You seem okay to waste your time putting mean comments here.

My heart started racing wildy, maybe the hormones were affecting my heart?…My heart started pounding so badly I thought he could hear it racing. It felt like I was having a heart attack. I wanted to leave the room. I couldn't believe he'd be so callous. I asked him again, 'I thought that you were going to say something with these flowers, that you got them for me, that's why I stopped in my tracks and started crying'.

He said, 'no I don't have anything to apologise for' and 'I don't want to talk about anything tonight'..etcetera ...My heart nearly jumped out of my chest with the panic.

A lot of this is just dramatic waffle. As are your subsequent comments. It’s like you’re living out some sort of poorly written online fanfic.

If this is real, stop being it. This is a ludicrous way to be and a ludicrous way to live your life. Stop trying to get pregnant with this person, it’s clearly a stupid idea. Come up with a practical plan, think through solutions and stop waffling on about your vapours and heart palpitations.