Relationship has been volatile for years. I've posted under various names over forever.
By anyone's standard, it's bad. DH has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and was slightly drunk and spiteful every night for fifteen years. This manifested as shouting, name calling, sometimes throwing things at me (from hard apples to glasses of water), calling me horrific things in front of DC and generally being vile. A year ago - after a health scare - he cut back on drinking by a lot - and for six months, I got the man back I'd first met. Great.
We are now back at the awful version. Every single day I am told I am useless, the worst mistake he ever made, I repulse him, he hates me, I've ruined the kids by not being hard enough on them (and I have been soft - but I've had to counter his extreme rage) and so on. I listen to this character assassination every day and although I'm desensitized to the words, I am still aware (at some level) that I can't remember what happy feels like and I am also aware that years of being on 'high-alert' have rendered me neurotic and tearful. I hold a creative job down but struggle to function socially. We have no physical relationship anymore. This was withdrawn several years ago as a punishment and I miss sex - but not with him obviously.
I have no family at all. Noone. No parents, siblings, aunts, cousins - nothing like that. I was the only of an only - all deceased. I only have him and DC. I have a few nice friends and I've tested the water and mentioned a couple of things - there is some awareness and kindness but at the end of the day, they have lives to lead and the bottom line - as I realised today for the first time - is that I no one's priority. There is literally nobody who would have me on their radar - as you would a family member - enough to check I am ok, or go out of their way to try and support. So I have to do this alone.
Today DH is being horrendous to me and DC. We are all walking on eggshells around him and are all nervous and miserable. He has screamed in DD's face and shouted and threatened DS (he wouldn't carry out threats - but still vile).
I found a voice in me from somewhere and told him enough. He needs to leave. He laughed in my face and said 'never'.
He said he wants to make my life hell as I've ruined his life. I have nowhere to go - he is higher earner - and DD is about to sit GCSE's so I can't uproot her right now. But I can't stand another minute. I feel sick and like I am about to snap. WHat can I do?