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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know how to handle this

77 replies

PearTreeParty · 25/02/2023 15:03

Relationship has been volatile for years. I've posted under various names over forever.

By anyone's standard, it's bad. DH has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and was slightly drunk and spiteful every night for fifteen years. This manifested as shouting, name calling, sometimes throwing things at me (from hard apples to glasses of water), calling me horrific things in front of DC and generally being vile. A year ago - after a health scare - he cut back on drinking by a lot - and for six months, I got the man back I'd first met. Great.

We are now back at the awful version. Every single day I am told I am useless, the worst mistake he ever made, I repulse him, he hates me, I've ruined the kids by not being hard enough on them (and I have been soft - but I've had to counter his extreme rage) and so on. I listen to this character assassination every day and although I'm desensitized to the words, I am still aware (at some level) that I can't remember what happy feels like and I am also aware that years of being on 'high-alert' have rendered me neurotic and tearful. I hold a creative job down but struggle to function socially. We have no physical relationship anymore. This was withdrawn several years ago as a punishment and I miss sex - but not with him obviously.

I have no family at all. Noone. No parents, siblings, aunts, cousins - nothing like that. I was the only of an only - all deceased. I only have him and DC. I have a few nice friends and I've tested the water and mentioned a couple of things - there is some awareness and kindness but at the end of the day, they have lives to lead and the bottom line - as I realised today for the first time - is that I no one's priority. There is literally nobody who would have me on their radar - as you would a family member - enough to check I am ok, or go out of their way to try and support. So I have to do this alone.

Today DH is being horrendous to me and DC. We are all walking on eggshells around him and are all nervous and miserable. He has screamed in DD's face and shouted and threatened DS (he wouldn't carry out threats - but still vile).

I found a voice in me from somewhere and told him enough. He needs to leave. He laughed in my face and said 'never'.

He said he wants to make my life hell as I've ruined his life. I have nowhere to go - he is higher earner - and DD is about to sit GCSE's so I can't uproot her right now. But I can't stand another minute. I feel sick and like I am about to snap. WHat can I do?

OP posts:
vipersputpaidtomylastusername · 25/02/2023 17:15

Good luck OP. You're stronger than you think. Just keep focusing on what life will be like without him...
Your kids will know you're doing the right thing xx

PilarPalabundar · 25/02/2023 17:32

Ring Women's aid tomorrow. Please come back and let us know how you get on.
You are strong enough. Do it for your kids too.
Women's aid will support you through it and signpost with help for other services and financial support/aid too.
I also highly recommend Al-anon for you and Alateen for the kids. There will be a lovely supportive group awaiting you who understand.
None of you caused this, none of you can control this and none of you deserve to be on the receiving end of this awful behaviour.
Good luck.

Cocobutt · 25/02/2023 17:41

Just because you are in a relationship, doesn’t mean you are not alone.

I can guarantee that if he wasn’t in your life, it would be so much easier and then you’d be free to go and make new friends.

I am a single parent with no family or friends to rely on.
It scares me what would happen to my DC if I died and I of course don’t have a lot of money or social life but I absolutely love my life.
I can’t imagine feeling unhappy or unsafe in my home.

You need to find a way to get him to leave.
This has gone on for far too long and it’s very cruel on your children that they’ve had to stay in the house with him.

My dad was very violent to my mum but I also resent my mum for not leaving.
I promised myself that I would never do that to my children.
If you don’t sort this out then your DCs will resent you too.

Use your children’s happiness to give you the strength to finish this once and for all.
They will have some trauma already but you can stop them from having anymore and show them what a secure home feels like before it’s too late.

Pardon44 · 25/02/2023 17:52

AldiorLidl · 25/02/2023 15:32

Call the police, get a Non Molestation Order and look into an Occupation Order.

NCDV or DV Assist can help.

You need to do this.

Pardon44 · 25/02/2023 17:55

@PearTreeParty you also need arrange therapy for yourself and your child. These are not patterns you want them repeating.

The freedom programme would also benifit you.

memememe · 25/02/2023 18:41

You are localish to me. I went through this for a long time and have been free almost 3 years. Please pm me if you want to talk, or meet up, I can help you.

Natty13 · 25/02/2023 19:16

I pray for your children. Surely on one of your previous threads someone pointed out what growing up in a household like this does to people? As someone who had an angry father, you are hugely mistaken if you think separating from your H will disrupt your DCs exams more than not knowing whether today is the day dad screams in your face and threatens you or not. Constantly walking on eggshells and trying not to rock the boat is a disgusting thing for children to have to learn.

50% of the time in a calm happy household is better than 100% of the time in a rotten one.

Opentooffers · 25/02/2023 19:44

Sounds like on the face of it, the house is in your name to start with as left to you. Yes he has some rights maybe to assets as married, but that would be a hash out in divorce situation. If the DC reside with you, he will get nowhere near half and that he is the higher earner and its your childhood home, will all be considered. You could very well get reasonable buyout terms or even outright keep it for free if in exchange for not going after his pension, there should be lots of savings if you've never had to pay a mortgage on it, that could fund a buyout. For now, if he won't go, there are ways of having him removed.
Talk to a solicitor and get a divorce underway - you don't have to even tell him before papers are served.
I hope you do act rather than continuing to catastrophise to yourself about how awful a split would be - how many excuses have you told yourself to stay put over years?
"I don't have family as backup", is more a reason when you would have problems working due to childcare, but you've waited that long that they are old enough to look after themselves now, so it's not a valid excuse anymore.

3kidswouldfinishanyoneoff · 26/02/2023 07:38

Op you need to remove your children from this nightmare. You're also abusing them if you stay.

rioseco · 26/02/2023 23:13

OP thinking about you all day and hoping that you will have the strength do do what you have to do for your own sake and for your children.

AnyaMarx · 26/02/2023 23:25

PearTreeParty · 25/02/2023 15:11

No.

I know what would happen. They would give him a talking to, he would return even more enraged. I would bare the brunt of having been 'disloyal' and involving other people.

That aside, he has no respect for the police. He thinks they are all stupid, woke, plod (his words).

Not true .

If you are truthful they would likely give him bail with conditions.

That would give you space . You need to engage with police though . He would likely get a shock .

80s · 27/02/2023 08:40

Hope you manage to phone up today, OP. Just to enquire. You don't have to dive straight in headfirst: just get properly informed so you have a more realistic idea of the options available to you.

Lorry10 · 27/02/2023 08:46

Can you go to the police in your own time and ask to speak to someone quietly for advice ? Tell them your concerns and ask what will happen if you call them out when he is being angry and violent.

Channellingsophistication · 27/02/2023 08:55

Hope you can get in touch with Womens Aid today . Please also get legal advice re house - it may not be 50/50 split but you need to know. Knowing your position legally will help you feel in more control.

Sending you strength. Let us know how you get on. Lots of mums here rooting for you.

Original poster
PearTreeParty · 27/02/2023 09:09

Lorry10 · 27/02/2023 08:46

Can you go to the police in your own time and ask to speak to someone quietly for advice ? Tell them your concerns and ask what will happen if you call them out when he is being angry and violent.

Thank you. This feels like something I could cope with.

So Women's Aid and this.

To those mentioning the DC. I know. I KNOW. I cannot tell you how much I know but i am like a deer in the headlights - it's pathetic. I know, and yet still feel too frightened to act. One of the reasons I started this was to break the inertia. I hope the above two actions will kick me into gear.

Thank you all for ongoing suggestions.

OP posts:
AlloftheTime · 27/02/2023 09:17

Please do this today - take the first step

YukoandHiro · 27/02/2023 09:17

Honestly leave, your DD will do way better in her exams without worrying her dad is going to explode at her any minute.

Do you realise how much psychological damage you're doing in terms of her own long term relationship expectations by allowing yourself to be constantly abused?

YukoandHiro · 27/02/2023 09:18

To be clear I'm not saying you are to blame for you abuse, I worded that badly.

But you are responsible for your decision to stay. Please leave and fine the life you deserve for you and your children

YukoandHiro · 27/02/2023 09:20

As others have said lots of places can help you make this difficult break... definitely call Women's Aid. You deserve this help! Allow yourself to accept it xxx

Lorry10 · 27/02/2023 09:24

Good luck, we are all thinking of you.

cauliflournonsense · 27/02/2023 09:32

Well done OP on starting the thread. That's your first small step toward freedom right there! The next small step is talking to someone external, either WA or the police. You can do this. 😊😊

Dymaxion · 27/02/2023 21:01

Ring WA , you don't have to act on what they say straight away, you can just test the waters and get information, knowledge is power, think of it as a fact finding mission/research. The more information you have the easier you will find it to formulate a plan to escape your miserable existence. Flowers

category12 · 27/02/2023 21:11

If your dd was in this situation, what would you do for her? What would you want her to do?

I hope you'd be really motivated to help her free herself. Try to be that person for yourself (and her).

Well done on starting to make those steps.

massifcentral · 27/02/2023 21:39

Your life will be better than this.

But, seriously, see a lawyer about the house. A not very pleasant colleague of mine was devastated recently (after being caught out having an affair) to learn that he wasn't in fact a co-owner of the large house left to his wife by her relatives.

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 27/02/2023 22:02

OP, he has beaten you down but not broken you as the love for your children will put you back together and give you the fight you need to show him you will not be walked all over. Get all the info & start calling a solicitor & police. You have got this do not let him in your head anymore as that is what he feeds on. I am here whenever you need a friend xx