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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it controlling or has my behaviour been bad too

139 replies

Isitmeisitme · 24/02/2023 20:23

I had a plan to tell husband I wanted a divorce tomorrow and take the kids to my Mums for the night, we have had a conversation today, where he has come and asked has he done something wrong as I haven't spoken to him for a week. Honestly I haven't spoken to him for a week but I think I just feel so down and over it all.

I thought he had been emotionally abusive over a number of years and had only now become wise to it however I am now questioning everything.

A couple of examples are a holiday with my family last year he didn't want to go on, didn't want us to go on, gave me the silent treatment for weeks and told my daughter it was illegal for me to be taken them.

Couple of weeks he gave daughter silent treatment for not going to football training, she said he was not talking to her so was sad. He then said oh well you would think I am a mean dad if that's what your being told!

After an incident out for a meal he pulled son out of pub and called him a little girl.

Over the last few years he has been to numerous abroad football matches, I would sometimes go to stay at my Mums when he was away, he never like this and always made me feel guilty for it. Thinking back never outright said it but was inciuated.

He doesn't help much around the house and I recently told him I need more help I feel like at the minute it's 90/10, he hasn't stopped going on about it since and will often say oh I better get my 10% done!

Conversation today he said to me he thinks I am the cause of most of our problems and yes whilst he isn't perfect it's me that causes all the tension. I feel if I do leave he is going to spin it all to be my fault and I am now analysing all my behaviour.

I do see my family too much maybe once or twice a week which he doesn't like, maybe I should have not seen them as much.

OP posts:

musingsinmidlife · 24/02/2023 20:27

It seems you have been giving him the silent treatment for a week so it seems to be an unhealthy tactic that you both use.

There is no way to know from what you have said what the issues really are in your marriage. You would be better to see a marriage counsellor, both of you can air your grievances with the other person and figure out how to move forward (if that is an option you are considering).

If you just want to divorce him, then divorce him. It sounds like both of you will blame the other for the breakdown of the marriage. I would still see a couples counsellor to talk about how to navigate a divorce in a healthier way rather than it being a list of well you said this and you said that.

weightstrugglinmum · 24/02/2023 20:38

You have an out, so please continue to leave him as planned. Do you want to still be in this position in a years time? The rest of your life? It will.get harder to leave him as you get more worn down by him, so go now while you still.have fight in you. He's manipulating and controlling, not necessarily explicitly all the time, and of course the problems in the relationship are all.because of you, because he won't ever accept any responsibility.

What kind of dad gives his daughter the silent treatment? And treats his son.like that?

So what if he tries to make you look bad after the split? It's a small price to pay for a better life,.plus those who know and love you, and who actually matter, won't believe his bs, and he'll just make himself look an.even.bigger tool for the crap.he'll probably come.out with. Be brave and do.what's right for you and the kids, they will.thank.you for taking such negativity out of their lives.

AlisonDonut · 24/02/2023 20:42

I'd agree and say 'yes it is all my fault best to leave you to go find someone better'. And go get a solicitors appointment and put the poor bedraggled browbeaten man out of his misery.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/02/2023 20:43

Conversation today he said to me he thinks I am the cause of most of our problems and yes whilst he isn't perfect it's me that causes all the tension.

Because he sees the 'problem' as conflict between you. You 'cause' this by inconveniently not just letting him do whatever the fuck he wants. No housework, travels whenever, is horrible to the children. None of these is a 'problem' as far as he's concerned. The problem is you complaining about it.

Shorthand is, he doesn't intend to change. He wants you to just let him be an arsehole.

Leave.

MrsRickAstley · 24/02/2023 20:47

I can be quiet but I wouldn't say it's a controlling tactic on my part. It's because I don't know what to say. Everything I say is wrong so you just learn to numb and say nothing.

It's not always about punishment, it's you know something is very wrong but don't know how to articulate or are scared to. So you keep quiet.

DemelzaandRoss · 24/02/2023 20:48

I remember your previous posts.
He is gaslighting you, victim blaming.
Probably realising you have had enough, but is now thinking of a strategy to make you look bad, whilst he is the poorly treated one.
Stay strong. Be assertive. Carry on with your own life now & know it was his behaviour that led you to wanting to leave him.

themuminator · 24/02/2023 20:52

Hi, I'm sorry you are not having a great time right now and are not in the relationship you need and deserve.

I'm worried about you questioning yourself and feeling like you are at fault. Admittedly not speaking to him for a week probably isn't wise - it just gave him some fuel to put on the fire. However, you behave the way you need to when things aren't great. It smacks a fair bit of him gaslighting you and making you out to be the bad one when it is clear he has actually been controlling and unreasonable.

In the end it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks, or even what he thinks. If you are not happy and believe there to be unreasonable behaviour, you have a right to leave and be happy either by yourself or with someone else.

My opinions are based on my experience of living with someone who was controlling and who made me feel like I was the bad one. I was also discouraged from seeing family and friends. All very subtly and was put on a pedestal only to be knocked down. It is a very effective way of keeping someone under control. I thought I was going mad in the end, but there was a tiny tiny place in me that held onto the truth. I left 6 years ago and it hasn't been easy, but you couldn't pay me any amount of money to be back in that place.

Please be clear that we all make mistakes and you have probably done things that aren't great, but it doesn't mean you deserve to be treated badly. If your instinct is that it isn't ok, it probably isn't ok. And you should be able to see your family as much as you damn well like! Take care.

LynetteScavo · 24/02/2023 20:53

So what if it is "all your fault". You don't want to be with him anymore. It doesn't matter whose fault that is. Do you think you should stay with him if you are the one "at fault"?

Hoardasurass · 24/02/2023 20:54

Ofcourse he will blame you. Its classic abusers tactics Google DAVRO (dyslexic so check the spelling on that). You could be a Saint and he will still paint you as the devil incarnate.
He is clearly controlling otherwise he wouldn't have a problem with you and the kids visiting your family when he's away on holiday/for sport. You say that you haven't spoken to him for a week has he spoken to you? Or does he just speak at you? What I'm trying to get at is are you actively ignoring him like he does to you and the kids or is it a case of neither of you starting a proper conversation or even small talk because if it's the 2nd you've done nothing wrong.
The thing is you have disengaged and he can sense that something has changed and he is loosing control be careful between now and when you leave as this is when abusers are at their most dangerous

themuminator · 24/02/2023 20:55

And if it makes you feel better, I also had many times when I had to just be quiet because there was nothing I could say that would make it better. Literally nothing.

In my case I should have just left him like 15 years earlier! Only you know what is best for you. Please trust yourself and stay strong.

themuminator · 24/02/2023 20:57

Also agreeing with the advice about this being a dangerous time.

Make a plan. Have back ups. Tell someone you trust.

ConfusedNT · 24/02/2023 20:59

Technically speaking the silent treatment is abuse but I really do think from your post that it's actually a reaction to his emotional abuse and controlling behaviour, and its actually that you have shut down rather than being silent as a means of behaviour control

He's a terrible and abusive parent

And of course he moans you cause tension, because in his head it is your fault that he's annoyed because you want him to do a tiny bit of housework, that doesn't mean he's right

Please ignore the advice above about marriage counselling, it's not advised to have joint counselling with someone abusive

You would be better off doing the freedom programme and getting counselling by yourself to help you past this behaviour and through your divorce

weightstrugglinmum · 24/02/2023 21:04

Totally agree with above, you need your own separate support here, couples counselling under these circumstances doesn't work, he'll just lie to the counsellor too infront of you, and you won't be able to speak up to give them.a real picture of things

Original poster

Isitmeisitme · 24/02/2023 21:06

I suggested marriage counselling about 6 months ago and he said there was no point as I would never change. Today he said well if we go to marriage counselling the first thing I will ask you to do is make us 4 a priority rather than your family.

OP posts:

DemelzaandRoss · 24/02/2023 21:10

Don’t engage with him. Use the Greyrock method.
Carry on with your own plans for liberation.
He actually sounds extremely controlling.
Hopefully your family will support you when he becomes more abusive once he realises you won’t be controlled any more. Good Luck.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/02/2023 21:13

Isitmeisitme · 24/02/2023 21:06

When he goes away it's great and when you do it's not. Explain why.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/02/2023 21:17

It doesn't matter who he thinks is to blame.

You're unhappy and want the marriage to end.

So do it.

None of you are happy and that icns the kids.

RandomMess · 24/02/2023 21:25

Doesn't matter whose fault it is, if you want a divorce you can file. If you can't bear to live with him then it is best to move out.

themuminator · 24/02/2023 21:26

Can't believe he set limitations on what you are allowed to get out of marriage counselling! Yikes. It is because he knows you might actually see him for what he is.

ConfusedNT · 24/02/2023 21:30

Isitmeisitme · 24/02/2023 21:06

You should not do marriage counselling with someone controlling, he has already said he will use it to try and control you

Ultimately it doesn't matter if you are in the wrong or he is in the wrong or you are both in the wrong, if you want to divorce him you can for any reason at all

It's highly likely if you leave he will spin it to be your behaviour that's the issue, BUT he's already doing that to you now by blaming everything on you

So you get the same consequences, but if you divorce him you don't have to put up with him throwing it in your face day in day out and trying to pander to his controlling behaviour

The relief you will feel will be absolutely worth it

Youraccountisnolongervalid · 24/02/2023 21:34

He probably doesn’t like you seeing your family because they can see through him, he sounds like a right dick.

Piffle11 · 24/02/2023 21:52

People like him don't like you seeing your family and friends, because they are the ones who will encourage you to stand up for yourself.

Of course he will blame you for everything: that is what men like that do. My ex… He told everybody that I was having an affair, I left him for someone else, I left him in financial difficulty, I took everything from the house… It was all bollocks. And my family and our mutual friends all knew it was bollocks. But even if they didn't, a few people thinking that of me would have been worth it to get away from him.

category12 · 24/02/2023 21:53

Nothing wrong with seeing your family a couple of times a week.

Look, even if you're both awful people and even if you were doing terrible toxic things to him, it wouldn't mean the answer is to stay together - it would be even more reason to split up!

But the truth is, it's him.

Also, you mention that he gave your dd the silent treatment - is she abusive to him too?! Come off it, it's utter bollocks he's spinning you, and he's emotionally abusing your daughter as well as you. It's your job to get her out of this toxic atmosphere and give her an emotionally safe place with you.

Zanatdy · 25/02/2023 09:36

The silent treatment is awful and my ex is the king of it. He did it to our son last summer and I flipped. After 12yrs of good co-parenting I went crazy at him and told him never to do that again or he will lose his relationship with his son. He claimed he didn’t want an argument on holiday so thought it was better to ignore him for the day instead. Have no idea what goes through his mind in how he thinks that’s acceptable (DS is 18 btw and they have a good relationship usually). No doubt he will carry on doing it. Just tell him it’s over, it sounds like it’s gone beyond irreparable so best all round to call it a day

Original poster

Isitmeisitme · 25/02/2023 10:10

I'm terrified this morning, I have just put some bags in the car while he is out without the kids noticing and my Mum is coming to take the kids out at 12 so I can tell him. I'm so scared I am destroying my family because I am unhappy! He will 100% say its all me and Mummy is leaving us.
I'm sacred of thr logistics too, I am going to say 50/50 but does that start straight away.
I hope I can feel a least a little better when I have told him.

OP posts:

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