Is it controlling or has my behaviour been bad too

[Isitmeisitme]

I had a plan to tell husband I wanted a divorce tomorrow and take the kids to my Mums for the night, we have had a conversation today, where he has come and asked has he done something wrong as I haven't spoken to him for a week. Honestly I haven't spoken to him for a week but I think I just feel so down and over it all.

I thought he had been emotionally abusive over a number of years and had only now become wise to it however I am now questioning everything.

A couple of examples are a holiday with my family last year he didn't want to go on, didn't want us to go on, gave me the silent treatment for weeks and told my daughter it was illegal for me to be taken them.

Couple of weeks he gave daughter silent treatment for not going to football training, she said he was not talking to her so was sad. He then said oh well you would think I am a mean dad if that's what your being told!

After an incident out for a meal he pulled son out of pub and called him a little girl.

Over the last few years he has been to numerous abroad football matches, I would sometimes go to stay at my Mums when he was away, he never like this and always made me feel guilty for it. Thinking back never outright said it but was inciuated.

He doesn't help much around the house and I recently told him I need more help I feel like at the minute it's 90/10, he hasn't stopped going on about it since and will often say oh I better get my 10% done!

Conversation today he said to me he thinks I am the cause of most of our problems and yes whilst he isn't perfect it's me that causes all the tension. I feel if I do leave he is going to spin it all to be my fault and I am now analysing all my behaviour.

I do see my family too much maybe once or twice a week which he doesn't like, maybe I should have not seen them as much.

I can totally see why you would feel like you want to give it a try. And anyone who berates you for thinking this would work clearly doesn't understand how abusive relationships work.

I think it is possible this is part of the abuse cycle. Google it and see what you think. A cycle can last months, years, or just days or minutes! I've experienced all of them.

At the moment you are in the reconciliation stage, moving into calm if you go back. But it is extremely likely the cycle will continue into tensions building stage again over time and then the almost inevitable incident.

You might be lucky, it might not happen. Maybe he can change. I hope you understand that you don't need to change. This marriage counselling would be for him. And so actually, what he needs is anger management for himself, not marriage counselling which presumes both of you have work to do and are equally to blame.

You are in the dangerous zone some people have mentioned here. It's dangerous because you don't know how he will react, and if you choose not to go back he might escalate into aggression. But also because love bombing you puts you at risk of returning for a future continuation of the cycle.

Honestly, I would advise that at the very least, you take a much longer break to see how it would actually pan out. Stay with you mum for some weeks. It's only been days. You are safe there. Take care whatever you choose. You are worthy of love and respect. Trust yourself.

@Isitmeisitme

Yes I have and it was all lies he's saying everything that you want him to to manipulate you into going back.
He only wants to speak to your mum and do damage control because he's worried that they will point out his manipulation of you and that you'll listen to them. Even better for him if he can turn them against you and paint you as the unreasonable one (my ex did this)because it makes it harder to leave again and puts you further under his control.
As for therapy Yes you need lots by yourself to recover from what he's done to you, but now with him. I say this because it's dangerous for a DV victim to be couples therapy with their abuser, it's just another weapon for them to abuse you with.
I know how hard it is when they pretend to be the man you fell in love with and promise the world but the sad fact is as soon as he thinks that he has you trapped again he will go back to abusing you and the children only it will be worse because he knows that he didn't go far enough to completely destroy you last time so he must work harder and then there's the punishment for leaving I'm the first place.
please please don't fall for his lies and manipulation and remember how it felt towatch him abuse and humiliate your ds and his abuse of your dd and ask yourself do you want your dc to think this is normal behaviour and that your ds should treat his wife and kids like this or that your dd should expect to be treated like this by her future partner.
I'm sorry if I come across as harsh but I really wish someone had been honest with me (not saying I would have listened being young dumb and in love). I wish you luck in whatever path you take

Believe me you will regret it.
He is saying whatever it takes to get you back under his control.
Do not fall for his act.
You have done the hard part already.
He’s an abusive twat and always will be.

Don’t do it. What if you were more honest with him? For example ‘you want to apologise to my mum? Fine but if you do it properly. You aren’t apologising for causing tension. You are apologising to her for being a controlling asshole who tried to stop her daughter from seeing her, who was mad at me when I would stay with her While. You. Were. Away. I plan to see my mum very regularly for the rest of her life so if you’re not onboard with that don’t bother apologising to her.’

if he can’t recognise that is the truth you have lived then there is no hope is there? But I think you’ve seen how he behaves to your dc and there’s no going back. They need a safe haven and that’s you.

Isitme... I've been thinking about you. I hope you are ok.

Abusers like him will say ANYTHING to get you back.

I really hope you don't, but if you cant resist such an utter prick, leave your poor abused children with your mother.

Let them be safe at least.

They deserve a safe place and your home with that prick certainly isn't one.

Hi all, sorry to come back after such a long time. I feel like I'm really struggling again. I feel like I've been very stupid and I'm sure people will think I made a massive mistake. After everything he said and how sincere he seemed to be I went back at the end of Feb to try and make it work. He seemed to understand where the issues were and agreed to marraige counselling.
We had a couple of good months where I really thought things might work out.
I feel in the last month though things are starting to shift again and I feel I have been so stupid.

Lots of our issues revolve around fanily life and I just don't think we are ever going to be on the same page.
The kids pick up on all the tension and I just think it's getting awful.

The other day I was taking my daughter to swimming and before we went she had mentioned that she wasn't feeling well and I though I would try and jolly her along she had seemed fine. In the car there she was crying with a really bad headache so I turned the car round and said oh let's give it a miss today let's go home and get PJs on. All the way home she kept saying oh no Dad is going to be so mad at me and is going to tell me off etc....
This just isn't normal is it...

He has also been talking to the kids behind my back about how they should want to stay over at his sister house (they both weren't sure, they have never stayed before). They always stay at Grandma's and they should want it to be fair. My DS (8) had said he is worried that his Dad is just going to make him stay one day!

I feel like I'm back to square one, and feel such an idiot to have come back.

I'm so sorry OP.

He's an abuser.

Your poor children are already balls of anxiety because of him.

Heartbreaking to read.

God help your childrens future, possibly dealing with anxiety, depression, self harming, all the hallmarks of a traumatic childhood.

Read up on CTSD.

I know you mean well, but this is not a good man, father, or husband.

He is abusive, and your poor children will pay a terrible price for this.

Try and find your bravery again and get them away to a place where at least they will know safety and peace part time, even if they have to see a bit of him.

I know you love your children.
They need one decent brave parent.

It can only be you.

So he couldn't make it to 4 months!!

Make your plans and keep quiet for now

Don't feel silly OP you tried and it didn't work. He appears to be insanely jealous of your family.

Make your plans and stick to them. No,it's not normal your daughter is worried that her dad is going to be mad.

A good parent would smother their child in love and hugs,not critise them for being unwell.

He can't change his personality OP...he is what he is !

Don't beat yourself up. You made a mistake going back to him, you know that now.

To those of us reading your posts, we knew this would happen. He is an abuser. They don't change. He was just saying the right things to get you back in your box so his life could continue as before. Now he thinks he's got you back under control, he's going back being his real self. And that means abusing you and abusing your children.

Please please please get your children out of this dangerous atmosphere. No child should live in fear of their dad shouting at them. No child should be made anxious by a parent. No child should have to witness an abusive relationship being played out between their parents.

You have the power to make your children's lives better. Whose opinions and feelings are you going to put first - your children's or that vile abusive man?

This will make it easier to leave the next time because you know how it will play out. You will recognize the manipulation and resist.

Abusers use the same script so many reading your experiences know only to well what your are going through - have lived through it themselves.

It's usual for it to take several attempts to leave before finally leaving an abusive dynamic, so be gentle with yourself.

I'm guessing that you've only ever wanted it to work out, for you to have a loving relationship and for your children to be happy. Sadly you cannot make this happen when you're with an abuser. Only they can choose to change their behaviour. And they so rarely do.

It's hard to leave because he will make it hard. You may have PTSD as a result of the abuse. But you can do it. You are allowed to decide you won't engage in conversations with him about the relationship, communicate only about the children. Seek advice from a lawyer.

Be strong for your children. It is only after you leave that you start to learn how harmful it was for them. By leaving you can give them one safe home that can change their lives for the better.

Please don't be hard on yourself. You did what seemed right at the time and gave him another chance. If you hadn't done that. you'd be always wondering whether you'd been unfair on him.
This way,you can hold your head high and say you've tried, but he's not been able to uphold his end of the bargain and be a proper husband and father.
He's proved to you that your instincts are right, so now you can make your plans to leave knowing that you've tried, but it's not you that's failed.
Be kind to yourself. Believe in yourself. And trust your instincts and know that you're right! xx

Don’t beat yourself up. Abusers are great manipulators. He is manipulating your children and they’re beginning to see it.
You don’t have to tell him you’re leaving, indeed it’s often advised not to as that can be the most dangerous time.
Make a plan, get everything together. Get you and the kids to your mums and give them a simple explanation e.g. mum and dad don’t agree on a lot of things so we’re going to live apart. You’ll still see your dad.
He’s not going to change.

I know it's classical but he makes me doubt whether I have been fair to him.
He says in counselling that he just wants time as a 4 and I see my family all the time even too much. (Counted how many times he had seen them in a 4 week period) even included the time my Mum gave us a lift somewhere as a time he had seen them.
We talked through boundaries and how I need to make more time for us as a 4 which I have agreed to.
I am just always made to feel bad about things.

Has he been fair with you?

"He wants time as a 4" is merely a stick to beat you with and to remove your family support.

He doesn't pull his weight around the house.

He makes your kids frightened and anxious.

He is controlling.

Just end it.

Hi all, we have just come back from a family holiday the 4 of us where a few things happend that I wasn't happy about.

The kids had a squabble in the airport lounge and he got quite heated at my DS and called him an embarrassment.

DD wanted to sleep in a bed with me on the first night, we had said we would switch and change over the week. The next day he said to her 'oh it would be lovely if you spent some of your holiday with me'. I said oh don't say that to her that's unkind and he said 'that's why I am tickling her when I say it'.
This is mind games isn't it?

He made a comment when I didn't finish a glass of wine one night at dinner. Saying to the kids oh she should really be finishing this.

Sorry to come and write these things down i just feel like I need validation that these things that are happening aren't right.

My family are starting to talk about a little trip away next October for my Dad's 60th and all I can think is oh that would be so nice but there is no way he will want to do that.

I wouldn’t worry about who is at ‘fault’ or who might get the blame if you split. Does it matter really?
Think about your life now and think about what it might look like without him in it? Would you have a happier more peaceful home? Would the children have a better relationship with both their parents separately?
Dont let fear of judgement stop you from changing your life if you’re not content with it as it is.

From your update though, the way he speaks to the kids would really piss me off and I wouldn’t want to spend time with someone who I thought was emotionally manipulative or unkind to them

Can you stay with your mum again and this time actually find somewhere else to live?

Yes I can go to my Mums with the kids. She has enough room for us all. I do worry that will be fairly long term though as I wouldn't have funds to get a house by myself until our house was sold or he bought me out.
He will definitely want 50/50 to which I find hard to get my head around.
This time almost seems harder to leave.

Of course it's harder that's why they promise the moon on a stick to get you back.

Your DC are old enough to have an opinion and they may not want 50/50. How old are they?

They are 8 and 9