Is it controlling or has my behaviour been bad too

[Isitmeisitme]

I had a plan to tell husband I wanted a divorce tomorrow and take the kids to my Mums for the night, we have had a conversation today, where he has come and asked has he done something wrong as I haven't spoken to him for a week. Honestly I haven't spoken to him for a week but I think I just feel so down and over it all.

I thought he had been emotionally abusive over a number of years and had only now become wise to it however I am now questioning everything.

A couple of examples are a holiday with my family last year he didn't want to go on, didn't want us to go on, gave me the silent treatment for weeks and told my daughter it was illegal for me to be taken them.

Couple of weeks he gave daughter silent treatment for not going to football training, she said he was not talking to her so was sad. He then said oh well you would think I am a mean dad if that's what your being told!

After an incident out for a meal he pulled son out of pub and called him a little girl.

Over the last few years he has been to numerous abroad football matches, I would sometimes go to stay at my Mums when he was away, he never like this and always made me feel guilty for it. Thinking back never outright said it but was inciuated.

He doesn't help much around the house and I recently told him I need more help I feel like at the minute it's 90/10, he hasn't stopped going on about it since and will often say oh I better get my 10% done!

Conversation today he said to me he thinks I am the cause of most of our problems and yes whilst he isn't perfect it's me that causes all the tension. I feel if I do leave he is going to spin it all to be my fault and I am now analysing all my behaviour.

I do see my family too much maybe once or twice a week which he doesn't like, maybe I should have not seen them as much.

You knew you needed to leave him before. He spun some lies to get you back in his control, and now his behaviour is back to how it was.

The positive to take from this is that after telling him you were leaving, you gave him a second chance (I say second chance, he's actually had numerous chances over the years not to be a controlling arse, and has decided to continue being controlling each and every time). He proved to you that he can't make it work. That he doesn't want to stop being controlling and abusive. That he sees you and the children as his possessions, there to please him and do his bidding.

So - he's shown you, once and for all, that it won't be possible to have a healthy, happy relationship with him. That isn't what he wants. So now you can leave him, for good, this time knowing 100% that you are doing the right thing. In fact it's the only option you have, if you want yourself and your DC to be happy. Leave him please.

And if he tries begging again. If he tries telling you he'll make it right. Tell him - you said that before, and proved over and over again you aren't capable of being a good husband and father.

The courts will listen to them and their wishes. You could also suggest you are open to working towards 50:50 but for continuity of usual care that it starts off with EOW and one mid week night which is 5/14 plus 50% of the school holidays and inset days.

He may find the reality of doing full time care for a week during this school holidays a rude awakening whilst you get a proper break from it all at your Mums. I suggest you do that towards the end of the holidays in case he is an arse about returning them to your care.

I suspect he will play games and try and control you via the DC. You need to grey rock, have tight boundaries and accept he can take them to his family and parent how he wants to.

He may be the kind of jealous control freak that if you mention it's great he's like 50:50 as it means you can spend more time on hobbies and going out that he decides actually he doesn't want you having so much child free time after all.

No human likes to be tickled. It is abusive.

Hi OP I'm new to your thread but don't bear yourself up! It's really not a bad thing to see your own family! Your husband obviously has an issue with this probably
Because he doesn't have the same
Loving family you do? But anyway you went back to see how it would be and now you know, you know 100% you will be happier divorced. Forget all the judgements about who's fault it is etc make sure you talk to your friends and family about all this don't keep it to yourself. He might be difficult with the kids etc but that's no reason not to leave you and the kids will be happier! You won't regret it

I'm very much at the end of the road and know I want to leave (again). In really confident in my decision Andy Mum has offered for us to go go there. I'm so lucky in that we all have our own room there and she would welcome us with open arms.
I'm really unsure with how to play it. Should I do what I did last time and pack some bags secretly and make sure the kids are alrwsy out before telling him or should I be more open and say I am done and I am going to leave on X day??
I feel like its almost harder this time!

Go and tell him when you've gone.

OP, get out safely quietly.

You cannot trust him not to cause a scene which will only traumatise your poor children more.

Get out what you need.

Contact 101 and return for your stuff.

Please let this be the last time.

Your children are in the middle of this awful situation and confusion.

Wishing you well.

I'm trying to work up the courage to leave tomorrow. The kids are going to my Mums tomorrow afternoon anyway and I thought i could tell him then I was done and go to my Mums where the kids will be anyway.
I keep trying to plan everything out in terms of contact with the kids and thinking how angry he will be that I have taken them.
Did anyone have a solid plan in place before you left or will it just be a matter of not really having a plan at first. Am I within my rights to say they are staying with me for Tuesday and Wednesday night and they can have all day Thursday and Thursday night with him? Will this come back to bite me legally that I have taken the kids away from their home?

I think you should go with the kids and tell him by phone once you're there, personally. There's no need to have a face to face talk about it at this stage - leaving isn't a discussion, it's an announcement, you don't need to have a confrontation.

You could agree to meet up in a public place later to discuss arrangements to keep things safer and civil.

Don't worry overly about sorting out contact and having to have something in place immediately, you can play it by ear.

Relationships break down all the time; as long as you're willing to facilitate access, you're not going to be in any trouble legally for leaving the guy and taking the kids with you. He'll probably make a big outcry about it, but that's what happens in a split, the kids can't be cut in two. Access is worked out.

I agree, that you leave THEN let him know.

It doesn't matter what he says or thinks, if you have decided the relationship is done.
Maybe it's all your fault, maybe none of it is, but if you no longer want to be with him,you are entitled to end it.

All feels very similar to last time but I am more nervous! I have put some things in my car while the kids are out and my Mum is picking them up at lunchtime to take them to hers. He is at work until 5.30 so really unsure whether to come back and tell him face to face. I feel like a message isn't right and I should tell him, that's the bit that's really worrying me!

But talking face to face previously hasn't worked. He will argue and minimise.

He treats you awfully yet you think he deserves being told face to face.

He will likely be emotionally abusive and possibly violent. Play safe and call him up or message him when you are SAFE

I hope you left safely

Yes I did. He has messaged me videos of him crying and a really long message about how he has nothing left and we are all he has.
Obviously I am feeling incredibly guilty.

But OP, surely you can see how performative and calculated that is?

Who films themselves crying? Only someone trying to manipulate another person.

Well done for leaving. Do not get guilted by his performance.

All it would have ever taken for you to stay was him treating you well - but he chose for years and years not to. Now he's turning on the tears and emotional blackmail, but they're crocodile tears.

Pure emotional blackmail which he has done throughout your relationship.

He does it because it works on you.

You were very clear what needed to change, it didn't.

OP, if you don't put your children first and harden your heart you are going to be in a yoyo situation which will do even more damage to those poor children.

I mean it kindly but you need to stop thinking of him and yourself and start thinking of your abused children.

They deserve so much better than the shit show of a life them have.

God knows what emotional damage has been done to them.

Start thinking about how that damage is going to affect their future.

Trauma, depression, anxiety and self harming is what comes out of abusive childhoods.

What you have described is highly abusive.

You need to put your children first and stop thinking of him.

Thank you I know you absolutely make sense it's just so hard.
He has gone completely missing I have had his friend messaging asking if I know where he is. Wouldn't answer my message about picking something up for the kids.

Or he's using his friend as a "flying monkey" to get to you and he's playing silly buggers trying to make you worry and go running after him.

Yep more emotional blackmail and abuse.

Tell his friend to report him missing and suicidal to the police or you will.

This is all classic abusers script.

Op he doesn’t want things to change. That’s not a reason to stay together.

He knows you are kind hearted and can be manipulated by emotional blackmail. I would get a separate phone just for him. Send him that number then delete and block him from your normal phone. Keep the him phone turned off most of the time. This will be tough but it’s for the best. You cannot make a marriage work by yourself. But you can give your DC and you a good life by yourself. You have chosen the correct option. Keep going. We all support you

@category and @RandomMess have it nailed.

Manipulative loser trying to get you back in line.

Text the friend to go to the police.

If he calls again, call the police and tell them you have fled domestic abuse with your children and your ex has threatened self harm and is missing.
Hand it over to the police.

They are so used to manipulative losers like him.

Your poor children have had a really tough childhood because of him.

They will carry the scars and memories forever.

You are so blessed to have a mother and family who support you.

Don't let your children grow up and feel badly towards you because you could have protected them but kept going back to their abuser.

How will you feel if they judge YOU very harshly for not putting them first and protecting them when you could have?

How will you feel if they have huge emotional problems and don't want to see you because you put their abuser first?

Don't let this be yours or their story.

Do the right thing.

Put your poor little children ahead of that awful, awful man.

You can do this.

He has changed tact this morning and has sent me a message to say he has been in contact with social services and has agreed to me having the kids half the time away from their primary residence.
Has sent me a plan for custody over the next few weeks!

I wouldn't believe a word he says. Delay responding to him for a while, christ you need some breathing space! See a solicitor, one who is experienced in domestic abuse. Don't let him dictate when he has access to children.