Is it controlling or has my behaviour been bad too

[Isitmeisitme]

I had a plan to tell husband I wanted a divorce tomorrow and take the kids to my Mums for the night, we have had a conversation today, where he has come and asked has he done something wrong as I haven't spoken to him for a week. Honestly I haven't spoken to him for a week but I think I just feel so down and over it all.

I thought he had been emotionally abusive over a number of years and had only now become wise to it however I am now questioning everything.

A couple of examples are a holiday with my family last year he didn't want to go on, didn't want us to go on, gave me the silent treatment for weeks and told my daughter it was illegal for me to be taken them.

Couple of weeks he gave daughter silent treatment for not going to football training, she said he was not talking to her so was sad. He then said oh well you would think I am a mean dad if that's what your being told!

After an incident out for a meal he pulled son out of pub and called him a little girl.

Over the last few years he has been to numerous abroad football matches, I would sometimes go to stay at my Mums when he was away, he never like this and always made me feel guilty for it. Thinking back never outright said it but was inciuated.

He doesn't help much around the house and I recently told him I need more help I feel like at the minute it's 90/10, he hasn't stopped going on about it since and will often say oh I better get my 10% done!

Conversation today he said to me he thinks I am the cause of most of our problems and yes whilst he isn't perfect it's me that causes all the tension. I feel if I do leave he is going to spin it all to be my fault and I am now analysing all my behaviour.

I do see my family too much maybe once or twice a week which he doesn't like, maybe I should have not seen them as much.

Well done, OP. You can do this. And it's not just about you being unhappy, it's about the children growing up in this toxicity.

Why say 50/50?! Do you actually want that? Is it actually in the children's interests?

You all need time to think about how this will work, there's no need to thrash out the details of access right now and you might really regret "promises" you make now.

Just say that it's over, you're leaving and access/money etc will be sorted out over the coming weeks and months. Do not make it a long conversation - it's not a discussion, it's an announcement. Breaking up isn't a joint decision, it's a one person decision most often.

Stay safe - it might be better if someone was with you or someone is coming back for you. If you feel at all threatened, call the police.

I Would just pack the car, take the kids and go.
Tell him later.
Maybe meet in a public place for your safety.

I don't think the silent treatment is ever a good idea, but to be honest the relationship is over so died it really matter whose 'fault' it is? You'll tell people it's his, he'll tell people it's yours, but it's all pretty irrelevant

Get away to your mums and give yourself some breathing space so you can think clearly about next steps.

You are taking the kids with you, aren't you?

MrsTerryPratchett is right.

He is abusive towards you and the children. Leave.

Of course an abusive person is going to blame you when you leave to get away from their abuse. You need to start tuning him out. But you absolutely must take the kids with you - and keep them safe while he rages out. I would totally expect escalation from him over the next few weeks until he accepts that you are really gone.

Yes absolutely, they are coming to my Mums with me. Worried about what I say to him about seeing them, do I let them come back to stay at home with them Sunday night I really feel so lost!

I wouldn’t start this weekend. Tell him he can have them next week and then you can judge where his behaviour is heading. He sounds incredibly controlling so I don’t expect he’ll respond well to losing control of you.

Oh thank goodness.

Don't overthink it - these things will be decided on an ongoing basis until you're settled. I'd just say "we'll text and make arrangements about the kids".

Just end it and get out of there.

There's nothing wrong in saying "we'll talk about that later".

I do worry that he will be petty and not bring them back and say he he has as much right as me to take them away.

Do not allow visitation right away. Meet with your lawyer first and get advice. Notify the school about the change and instruct them to notify you if he tries to remove them from school.
Do a premptive strike. Tell the children that Daddy may say mean or untrue things about mommy because he is angry with mommy. Tell them you are all living with Grandma for now to keep them safe and to keep you safe.

Am I entitled to just take them and say he isn't seeing them right now? I especially worry as the narrative will be I am to blame he has done nothing wrong and everything he has done is so hard to prove isn't it. I have never been so nervous!

Unless there is a court order or police report, schools are not going to keep a parent from picking up their child who legally has rights to them. Same as if her DH told the school to not let OP have them. Or if DHs friends say don't allow OP any visitation right away, just take the kids.

These are terrible ideas and will only cause major issues down the road. So far we know they both give each other the silent treatment and he doesn't pull his weight around the house and both think the other is the cause of all the problems. There isn't a reason for the police or the court to deny him access. Telling OP to deny him access is only going to cause her problems down the road.

Do not take advice from random anonymous people online when it comes to legal issues. Please consult someone with legal expertise.

You can take them and say you'll make arrangements for access with him shortly.

Try not to worry about what his narrative will be - it's inevitably going to be that you're at fault and keeping his children away from him etc etc. That's a given. no amount of bending over backwards or trying to appease him will change that. He already makes you out to be the bad guy, so that's just how it will be.

You don't have to prove anything to anyone. If you end up going down the court route about access in future (which will take time), you will need to show you are giving access/are open to giving access, but this is the literal first day of your split!

You don't have to have all the answers right now.

Even if, worst case scenario, you are the cause of all the tension, which it sounds like you aren’t, what does that matter? Your H is just throwing things back at you to gaslight you, he probably just doesn’t want his housemate to leave him.

he sounds like a prick TBH, and even if he was Mr perfect it still wouldn’t mean you’d have to stay married to him if it was making you unhappy. You don’t get extra points in a divorce for not being at fault, it’s the dissolution of a legal contract, not a moral reckoning.

You don’t need his permission to leave, and if he did truly want you to stay he’d be making an effort to find out what was making you so unhappy and working with you on Waze to try and make it better.

Leave today with the kids.
Tell him you'll make arrangements for him to see them in the next few days.
Speak to a solicitor and domestic abuse services after the weekend.

This, exactly. It’s not good for you or dc.

Posting on here is no different from a man posting on an MRA board, it is full of hate and misandry. There are women on this board who hate men as much or more than incels or misogynists or MRA guys hate women. You are taking advice from people who post in every single thread that the man is always abusive and controlling, that men are always the problem and women never are, that will call men all kinds of awful names, demean them, put them down and reply over and over men are just evil and nasty and awful beings who always intend harm and that you should leave.

Take the advice on here with a grain of salt. You need to decide for yourself what is best for you and you should seek our professional and legal advice to make those decisions. And talk to your trusted others in your life who know you. If you are over it and done, then put your plan in place and it sounds like your mom is a support.

Don’t worry too much about what he says. You say ‘you know nobody will believe that bullshit. Most of your friends haven’t cut their mum out of their life either and thank goodness I haven’t.’

Who cares what he thinks? The only reason there's tension or you have nothing to say to him is because he's a controlling prick - you can tell him that or don't bother but it won't change him or his opinion so soon you leave the better.

As posters have said schools can’t stop the other parent from picking up the children from school unless there is something legal in place

The thing is I do not want to stop his relationship with the kids and I really do hope he steps up.
I just worry about him being petty and bringing the kids into it. In a dream world I would love it to be amicable.

Anyway I think I am going to say, I am done I want to divorce. Me and the kids are going to stay at my Mums tonight and tomorrow and we can meet up on Monday while they are at school to talk about how we go forward. Does that sound OK?

Sorry hadn't read your post from this morning - same advice but good luck and stay strong. I would get embroiled in logistics right now and just say you'll be in touch on Monday about arrangements for the dc. Don't get tied into specifics or promise anything.

Presumably him moving out isn't an option?