Is it controlling or has my behaviour been bad too

[Isitmeisitme]

I had a plan to tell husband I wanted a divorce tomorrow and take the kids to my Mums for the night, we have had a conversation today, where he has come and asked has he done something wrong as I haven't spoken to him for a week. Honestly I haven't spoken to him for a week but I think I just feel so down and over it all.

I thought he had been emotionally abusive over a number of years and had only now become wise to it however I am now questioning everything.

A couple of examples are a holiday with my family last year he didn't want to go on, didn't want us to go on, gave me the silent treatment for weeks and told my daughter it was illegal for me to be taken them.

Couple of weeks he gave daughter silent treatment for not going to football training, she said he was not talking to her so was sad. He then said oh well you would think I am a mean dad if that's what your being told!

After an incident out for a meal he pulled son out of pub and called him a little girl.

Over the last few years he has been to numerous abroad football matches, I would sometimes go to stay at my Mums when he was away, he never like this and always made me feel guilty for it. Thinking back never outright said it but was inciuated.

He doesn't help much around the house and I recently told him I need more help I feel like at the minute it's 90/10, he hasn't stopped going on about it since and will often say oh I better get my 10% done!

Conversation today he said to me he thinks I am the cause of most of our problems and yes whilst he isn't perfect it's me that causes all the tension. I feel if I do leave he is going to spin it all to be my fault and I am now analysing all my behaviour.

I do see my family too much maybe once or twice a week which he doesn't like, maybe I should have not seen them as much.

You posted about the pub incident last week when he physically grabbed your son and said about him behaving like a girl .... overwhelming comments were not just physical actions but his belittling of your daughter and women and disrespecting everyone. He is controlling and emotionally abusive nothings changed and now he's got you again.

I have just told him I am done, want a divorce and we can meet to chat tomorrow.
He has said its completly out the blue for him and he doesn't understand. I have left the house and he has text saying he still loves me and will do anything to keep our family together.

Well done, you have been so strong and you should be proud of yourself.

Hold firm now and stick to your guns

He's gaslighting you telling you it's put of the blue when he only recently blamed you for the issues

Don't let him make you doubt yourself

Well done OP you've done the right thing

Onwards and upwards from now on

You will feel such a sense of relief in the weeks to come about your decision so stick with it and teams in positive

You're allowed to feel sad about the relationship ending and not being right for you or your DC, he is an unpleasant man. Don't mistake those feelings for missing him though.

You've done the hardest bit now, stay strong. If you meet tomorrow to talk possibly be prepared for the fact he'll try and talk you out of this by any means, so you need to stay strong. He'll never understand either, or want to, so he'll try and instill alot of self doubt in you in your most vulnerable moments. Maybe write him a letter clearly saying anything you want to say to him and just leave that with him. This may be a real test of your boundaries, protect yourself and limit contact. You have no obligation to him, despite what he'll tell you, just youself and your kids.

Well done.

I don't see how it can be out of the blue for him unless he thinks it's normal and acceptable to be unhappy together. He's surprised because he thought you'd just put up with it forever.

I'd advise meeting somewhere public if you're going to, rather than back at the house, just to keep it calm.

Just because someone throws a ball, you don't have to chase it. Don't engage in the emotional side if it, just the practicalities.

See a lawyer as quickly as possible.

You have been controlled and abused by him for years.

So have your children.

I remember your thread at the time I think about him not wanting you to go away.

He is a truly horrible nasty little man.

You are so lucky that your family love, care and support you.

Let him lie and bullshit all he wants.

You have left him because he abuses you and the children and is controlling.

Practice saying it.

Tell the truth.

You have left him because he abuses his wife and children.

Your poor daughter.

You are doing the right thing.

Don't fall for bullshit promises to change.

He had a chance to be a good husband and father to his family.

He's blown it.
You are done.

Well done you.

It's been such a shit day! I told him at lunchtime then have had the afternoon out with the kids and my Mum. Currently at my Mums with a big glass of wine and wondering if I have done the right thing.
He is messaging asking when he can see the kids and he is so blindsided. I'm not sure how to feel.

Well of course he will play victim all he seems to have done since you were together is play mind games!

He will use the kids as a weapon, don’t allow this. He will try to control you through the kids and follow the script of abuse ie demand contact, demand it when he wants regardless of what is best for the children. He won’t do this in their interests. Stick to your guns, you have made the right move.

Ofcourse he's been blindsided he thought that he'd warn you down so much that you couldn't leave him he was wrong and he thinks that he can still manipulate you into doing what he wants which is you going back to being his victim. When he releases that it won't work he will get nasty.
My crystal ball tells me that he will probably start to threaten to commit suicide in the not to distant future, when he does call the police and report his threats of self harm and they will deal with it and unless he's a complete moron he won't threaten it again 😉

I feel so awful this morning, I'm questioning if I have done the right thing. He says he is willing to try anything and he wishes he knew I was at this point.
I don't know what to do

No one needs permission from their partner to file for divorce. There is no fault divorce now so there is no point agonising over who is to blame. You want to be divorced and start afresh. Your ex husband has the right to have regular access or shared custody of yours and his children. Time to move forward. Eventually you will have to stand on your own two feet and stop going backwards and forwards between your Mum and your ex husband.

Dont move back in. Stay at your mums and live separately at least for a few months. Call it a trial separation if you prefer, if you suspect the relationship could be properly mended and you could be happy with him again. Maybe look at marital counselling? Otherwise run for the hills, you’ve made the break and got your freedom. Run and start a new life free of all this mind games and control.

I think you're doing the right thing, he sounds like an insufferable arsehole.

Men don't like to lose control. They also don't change.
You got to this point for many reasons, one of them been him refusing to accept any responsibility in the relationship for its breakdown.
Stay strong, you have taken the first step. You can keep moving forward and eventually you will be happy and realise it's the best thing you ever did. X

He's stunned that he overplayed his hand and you have left.

He knows exactly how badly he bahaves and always has but he is of course surprised his victim has had enough.

He will express surprise.
He's not going to admit abusing you and your children.
He will get nasty.
He will probably threaten self harm, call the police the mi ute he does, it usually puts an sharp end.

This is a bad man.

Think of him abusing your children.

You have been so brave.
Don't go back.

Privately he will be absolutely furious that you have left, he will keep it to himself, but if you are silly enough to return, that fury will be quietly used against you and your children.

He is a house terrorist.
Please don't go back.

Is it acceptable to you that he gives your dd the silent treatment?

Is it acceptable to you that he pulls your ds out of a restaurant and calls him a little girl?

You have to think about the reasons you left. He thinks that those sort of things are OK to do.

He's had a choice over the years to listen to you and pay attention to your unhappiness, and try to work with you to parent better, to be a good partner - what did he do? He ignored you, bulldozed over you, laughed & sneered about the disparity in effort at home, and now you've actually left, he's acting like it's a big surprise. It's a shock to him that you had the balls to leave, that's all.

Of course you're going to have doubts about leaving, but even if you do decide to go back and try again, don't do it quickly and don't do it on a lot of easy promises and disbelief on his part. Do it when he's demonstrated he can be a better man for a long period.

People on this thread seem to know the ins and outs of your marriage and to know a lot about your husband and his intentions and motivations and what he thinks. Either these are your friends posting or you are taking advice from random strangers who are making up fan fiction about your husband and your marriage. I don't know if you are a troll or why you want to play with your children's lives by listening to anonymous random people who either know you in real life or know nothing and are making all their comments about your husband up. Go talk to a professional.

I don't know if you are a troll or why you want to play with your children's lives by listening to anonymous random people who either know you in real life or know nothing and are making all their comments about your husband up

Errrrr, you're an anonymous random person who either knows everything about the OP or knows nothing, @musingsinmidlife No reason OP should listen to you, either.

All I have said is she should talk to a professional. I am not thinking I know her or her husband or their marriage or their lives and making personal comments about them.

OP just think about the truth you hold inside yourself. You know what your relationship is like. You know it. Trust yourself.

I left my ex at least 3 times seriously before I finally carried through with it. You will be bruised and confused right now.
Nice words mean nothing.

Wow what an emotionally draining weekend! We have has various long talks and he has seemed genuinely upset and sad. Said he loves me and he will do anything to try and make it work. He has completed acknowledged that he has been awful and said he thinks he has noticed a difference in his behaviour since lockdown.
He has said he is willing to go to individual counselling and marraige counselling and will completey engage in the processes. He has suggested booking a weekend away for us. He has said he wants to talk to my Mum one to one to apologise for creating tension and will make a big effort with my family.
Anyone been in this position and gone back and it has worked out?
I do wonder if in 6 months I will regret more if I don't go back and give it one last go. If it doesn't work I will have done absolutely everything. I really don't know.

He sounds an absolute delight.