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Original poster

He has suggested drinks on a roof top bar place - is this a date?!

173 replies

Sunshineandstarlight · 23/02/2023 18:31

Attended a hobby related meet-up group for the first time on Monday.
As i was leaving one man who I has been chatting to asked if id like to exchange numbers to continue our discussion on our hobby.

Yesterday he messaged asking if id like to meet next week. I was expecting a coffee invite however he said he would think of ‘something interesting’ and has suggested cocktails at a rooftop bar!

He was very attentive and gave me a hug as I was leaving and didn't ask the lady we were talking to for her number which i thought was a bit odd/maybe a bit rude, but honestly I have no clue about how modern life works. Is this a date??

Am 42, been single for 3.5 years and seriously ill for 3 of them. Only been able to excersize again in the last few months and have lost some weight and finally feeling a little of my old self again so I forced myself to attend this meet up even though I was terrified.

OP posts:
Jewel1968 · 24/02/2023 10:25

The reason I think it's probably a date is because he didn't ask the other person for their number or to meet up. There is a possibility it's not a date though so have that in the back of your mind just in case.

The drinking is not really an issue unless he is a mega drinker. I don't judge people for not drinking and they don't judge me for drinking.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/02/2023 10:25

PacificallyRequested · 24/02/2023 10:19

I must live in an alternate universe, but no way would I be agreeing to go on a date with some random guy from a hobby group that I'd been to once. OP for all you know he's a player who asks out every woman that joins the group. Politely decline this meet up, and keep going to the group. Chat to different people, get more of a sense of the group dynamics. In a few weeks if this guy seems OK, then go on a date. Otherwise there's a high chance it will all end in tears.

I think meeting him in public for drinks is ok, but it's ridiculous and actually a bit concerning start worrying about pleasing/displeasing a complete stranger (what to wear, what to drink, don't want to seem ungrateful, etc) after one brief conversation.

Just relax and enjoy a fun evening.

Candleabra · 24/02/2023 10:32

Don’t over think it! Order a mocktail and enjoy yourself.

SweeneyToddFlyingSquad · 24/02/2023 10:35

Sunshineandstarlight · 23/02/2023 22:25

It is 🙈! I have probably outed me and poor guy

Have you been there? Do you know where the entrance is?

Show quote history

Looks like the whole of mumsnet could be very quiet on Tuesday as we know where everyone will be 😀😀

SweeneyToddFlyingSquad · 24/02/2023 10:37

At least there'll be 1000 mumsnetters there to lynch him if he pisses you about lol

54isanopendoor · 24/02/2023 10:51

BuffaloCauliflower · 23/02/2023 19:34

I really wouldn’t worry about the venue. It’s a good standard date option - not as intense as dinner, nicer than a pub, no pressure to do an activity sort of thing. Just order what you want and if he does query it say ‘oh I don’t drink, but this is fab and do have whatever you want’ light and breezy. It’s becoming much more common not to drink, and anyone who makes a big deal of it isn’t someone you want to date anyway. Have a brilliant time 🙂

Definately this.
I don't suppose he will drink much either if he is cycling.
It will be a clue as to what sort of person he is.

The ONLY thing to consider is: if he turns out to be an idiot will it put you off attending the group in future - if not GO GO GO - it'll be good practice :)

@cassiatwenty that is GREAT advice. I am in a similar position to OP (only no-one has asked me yet, lol) & I have screenshotted this to remember if they do x

OP I hope that if you go it is fun & you have an enjoyable evening.
It sounds like you deserve it x

thegirlyupnorth · 24/02/2023 10:56

Don't worry about the alcohol. When you get there look at the menu and order a mocktail, if he queries it say that's what you like the sound of.

musingsinmidlife · 24/02/2023 11:07

I would tell him before hand that you don't drink. It might make him feel pretty guilty and awkward for bringing you to a bar when you don't drink.

Same as if you invited him to a steakhouse and he didn't tell you he was vegetarian and then just ordered a salad.

You don't know each other well so he doesn't know if you are uncomfortable around alcohol, are a recovering alcoholic etc.

I would plan a date somewhere that you will both enjoy being.

EarringsandLipstick · 24/02/2023 11:30

musingsinmidlife · 24/02/2023 11:07

I would tell him before hand that you don't drink. It might make him feel pretty guilty and awkward for bringing you to a bar when you don't drink.

Same as if you invited him to a steakhouse and he didn't tell you he was vegetarian and then just ordered a salad.

You don't know each other well so he doesn't know if you are uncomfortable around alcohol, are a recovering alcoholic etc.

I would plan a date somewhere that you will both enjoy being.

Not at all - why would he feel guilty? Lots of people don't drink alcohol & like going to pubs & bars.

Too much over-thinking.

musingsinmidlife · 24/02/2023 11:49

EarringsandLipstick · 24/02/2023 11:30

Not at all - why would he feel guilty? Lots of people don't drink alcohol & like going to pubs & bars.

Too much over-thinking.

Show quote history

If you are just getting to know someone and want to make a good impression, you want them to be comfortable. Once you know them it is different.

Going to a cocktail bar can be about trying different cocktails etc. Having your date then tell you I don't drink I'll have a coke - you realize that this isn't their idea of a good date. Just tell ahead of time if you are vegetarian, vegan, sober etc. That way something can be planned that both people will enjoy.

BuffaloCauliflower · 24/02/2023 12:05

@musingsinmidlife I do see where you’re coming from, but I wouldn’t necessarily think a bar or pub would require someone to drink alcohol, rather that they’re relaxed places to have a chat where alcohol is also served. You seem to be approaching them as places where you should drink and to not do so would be strange or uncomfortable. If OP was a recovering alcoholic and found being around alcohol very hard, absolutely suggest somewhere else, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. It is just a relaxed place to chat.

musingsinmidlife · 24/02/2023 12:54

BuffaloCauliflower · 24/02/2023 12:05

@musingsinmidlife I do see where you’re coming from, but I wouldn’t necessarily think a bar or pub would require someone to drink alcohol, rather that they’re relaxed places to have a chat where alcohol is also served. You seem to be approaching them as places where you should drink and to not do so would be strange or uncomfortable. If OP was a recovering alcoholic and found being around alcohol very hard, absolutely suggest somewhere else, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. It is just a relaxed place to chat.

Of course it doesn't require someone to drink but he suggested cocktails - as a night out. If I went out and the person then tells me they don't drink, then I wouldn't 't order a drink either. I don't know their history at that point and want them to be comfortable. If you are just going out for pepsi, I wouldn't suggest a rooftop bar. Lots of other great place to have a soda together.

Same as if I said lets go for steak and the person agreed and we went to a steakhouse. Of course it is fine if we get there and they just have a salad but if I had known all they would eat is salad, I would have suggested somewhere different. I think it is just polite, if someone suggests something and it isn't something I personally engage in, to let them know ahead of time. So going for cocktails = drinking alcohol. I am sure he can adjust and pivot when he finds out she doesn't drink but if he knew now that a cocktails date isn't something OP will engage in, let him know. Putting him on the spot as some kind of man test - I don't get it. I don't really play these games. Very easy to let him know you don't drink cocktails given that is what he is planning a cocktails date.

BuffaloCauliflower · 24/02/2023 13:05

@musingsinmidlife I’m not suggesting any kind of ‘man test’ or putting him on the spot, I’m saying the invitation is to go to a nice place to chat, not an invitation to drink alcohol, so it doesn’t matter either way if she’s drinking or not and there’s no reason for him to make a think of it. An invitation to a wine tasting, sure that requires drinking, but a cocktail bar is just a venue. You say there’s lots of great places for a soda - where?! Because I can’t think of anywhere I’d invite someone for a drink and a chat that wasn’t a bar or pub, except for a coffee shop during the day.

musingsinmidlife · 24/02/2023 13:14

BuffaloCauliflower · 24/02/2023 13:05

@musingsinmidlife I’m not suggesting any kind of ‘man test’ or putting him on the spot, I’m saying the invitation is to go to a nice place to chat, not an invitation to drink alcohol, so it doesn’t matter either way if she’s drinking or not and there’s no reason for him to make a think of it. An invitation to a wine tasting, sure that requires drinking, but a cocktail bar is just a venue. You say there’s lots of great places for a soda - where?! Because I can’t think of anywhere I’d invite someone for a drink and a chat that wasn’t a bar or pub, except for a coffee shop during the day.

She said he was trying to think of something interesting and then he later suggested cocktails. To him going for cocktails is an idea for a fun time. Maybe he has had them set up a fun individualized cocktail, maybe he scoped out the place and is thinking they can get a cocktail sampler etc. He didn't just say do you want to get a drink at a pub. He was thinking of an interesting idea and suggested cocktails.

Anyways. It is up to OP to do as she wishes. At some point she will have to tell him unless she is going to order a cocktail and then just pretend not to drink it because she can't tell him she doesn't drink alcohol. It isn't really something you can keep hidden forever when someone has invited you specifically for alcoholic beverages.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/02/2023 14:02

Fgs, "cocktails " is merely an expression. Anyone who considers it an obligation to drink is seriously misguided.

No one owes anyone else a reason for not drinking.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/02/2023 14:03

thegirlyupnorth · 24/02/2023 10:56

Don't worry about the alcohol. When you get there look at the menu and order a mocktail, if he queries it say that's what you like the sound of.

If he queries it, bin him.

LuluBlakey1 · 24/02/2023 14:07

I think it is a bit odd to be hugging you when that was the first time he had met you and at a hobby group. Going for a coffee would have been more appropriate. I think he sounds a bit too much too early. Might be very nice but be careful.

cassiatwenty · 24/02/2023 14:09

SaturdayGiraffe · 24/02/2023 14:04

Wot is going on? 😅

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/02/2023 15:08

LuluBlakey1 · 24/02/2023 14:07

I think it is a bit odd to be hugging you when that was the first time he had met you and at a hobby group. Going for a coffee would have been more appropriate. I think he sounds a bit too much too early. Might be very nice but be careful.

The hug seemed a little OTT to me, too. Beware of one of those love bomber types.

Again, OP, you do not have to please him with your attire, what you eat or drink, or whether or not you are sufficiently grateful for his choice of venue. Just be yourself and go to get to know him as a human being. It's not an audition.

cassiatwenty · 24/02/2023 15:11

🖐 👍😎 @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune Nailed it

Tuilpmouse · 24/02/2023 18:17

Be comfortable ordering non-alcoholic drinks. If he's a decent guy, he won't care. If he's an arsehole, and does, at least you'll
have found that out on the first date. Please don't be too keen to please - the more you do, the more likely it will be that you'll end up wasting your time dating a loser.

EarringsandLipstick · 24/02/2023 19:03

@musingsinmidlife

I couldn't agree less, sorry! A cocktail bar will absolutely cater for someone who doesn't drink alcohol. Of course not drinking alcohol is acceptable in a bar & no-one needs feel uncomfortable.

EarringsandLipstick · 24/02/2023 19:06

Same as if I said lets go for steak and the person agreed and we went to a steakhouse. Of course it is fine if we get there and they just have a salad but if I had known all they would eat is salad, I would have suggested somewhere different.

That's not really the same.

Bars cater for drinkers and non-drinkers alike, of course they do!

Some very specific kind of food place, like a steakhouse, will probably be less good on the other options eg vegetarian food so it is a bit rude to the non-meat eater as they'll have less choice & are unlikely to enjoy their meal as much.

Original poster
Sunshineandstarlight · 24/02/2023 19:50

Hi everyone- thank you so much for all of your comments today!

It seems that I should be alive to the fact that he could be a bit of love bomber, this is good advice - i did wonder if it was odd that he hugged me and seemed very attentive when only the females seemed to be hugging goodbyes. Im not going to overthink it but will treat as a nice drink after work
Will report back to you gang afterwards!

OP posts: