Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has suggested drinks on a roof top bar place - is this a date?!

173 replies

Sunshineandstarlight · 23/02/2023 18:31

Attended a hobby related meet-up group for the first time on Monday.
As i was leaving one man who I has been chatting to asked if id like to exchange numbers to continue our discussion on our hobby.

Yesterday he messaged asking if id like to meet next week. I was expecting a coffee invite however he said he would think of ‘something interesting’ and has suggested cocktails at a rooftop bar!

He was very attentive and gave me a hug as I was leaving and didn't ask the lady we were talking to for her number which i thought was a bit odd/maybe a bit rude, but honestly I have no clue about how modern life works. Is this a date??

Am 42, been single for 3.5 years and seriously ill for 3 of them. Only been able to excersize again in the last few months and have lost some weight and finally feeling a little of my old self again so I forced myself to attend this meet up even though I was terrified.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshineandstarlight · 23/02/2023 22:10

@LadyJ2023 Saying im driving is such a great idea but we work and are meeting in centralish so difficult to justify brining a car into work.

Ive just looked up the bar and its on the 48th floor - yikes!! Oh

OP posts:
HerbWord · 23/02/2023 22:17

As it is on a Tuesday night and he is cycling, I would guess the location choice is because he thinks it is a nice place, rather than that he wants to get pissed. You don't know each other yet and the fact is you don't drink. That is absolutely fine. I would just go and order a nice mocktail and enjoy the chat.

HerbWord · 23/02/2023 22:18

Maybe he doesn't drink and is using cycling as an excuse 😂

JennyDarlingRIP · 23/02/2023 22:19

Is it Capeesh?

YesYou · 23/02/2023 22:20

You don't have to hide the fact you don't drink.

Be perfectly normal (yourself), peruse mocktail menu, order mocktail, when he questions it say I don't drink alcohol but I love a rooftop bar! Isn't it fabulous etc etc.

Job done.

SylvanianFrenemies · 23/02/2023 22:24

Just have the mocktails.
You can either say "I'm not drinking tonight" or "to be honest I don't drink, no big reason, it just doesn't agree with me".
Have a great time. And don't worry about looking like you've made an effort or whatever. He's making an effort. It is ok to make an effort! Have fun.

Original poster
Sunshineandstarlight · 23/02/2023 22:25

JennyDarlingRIP · 23/02/2023 22:19

Is it Capeesh?

It is 🙈! I have probably outed me and poor guy

Have you been there? Do you know where the entrance is?

OP posts:
WentForAWalk · 23/02/2023 22:32

Just go and enjoy yourself OP.

Don't over think it.

Rainbowshit · 23/02/2023 22:38

I wouldn't make a big thing about not drinking. Just order one of the mock tails by name.

Exciting!

SleepingStandingUp · 24/02/2023 08:42

Sunshineandstarlight · 23/02/2023 19:26

Oh - im really in 2 minds about what to do about the cocktail bar venue.

PP is right that he might feel uncomfortable later having invited me there and I dont want to embarass him or make him feel awkward if he only realises when he gets there that I don't drink.

At the same time I dont like highlighting in advance that Im not a drinker as I think it can often raise more questions than answers e.g. is it a religious reason, or this or that.

Ive also said the the cocktail venue sounded nice when he suggested it yesterday so I dont want to look as if im overthinking it by texting him now that ill be on the mocktails!

Oh i dont know what to do, I dont want to upset the planned mood but also dont want to highlight it either 😬. What should I do?

Also he will be on his bike, how much is it possible to drink whilst riding a bike home in the dark 🙈?

Order mocktails over coke as you've agreed to a cocktail bar, the alcohol doesn't matter.
So say oh I'll have a Virgin Sex on the Beach please and if he asks, and hopefully he has the manners not to, just simply say I'm not much of a drinker / early start tomorrow / I want to fully guarantee I'm fit to shag you like crazy in that long lift ride etc.

If he is a dick abouy it, soonest known, soonest home.

Bayleaf25 · 24/02/2023 08:45

Definitely a date, sounds lovely and fine to have a mocktail.

If you wanted to you could always bung on a funky scarf over the dress to jazz it up a bit. A black dress sounds fine this time of year though.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/02/2023 08:47

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/02/2023 18:34

You're going to have to face the fear and ask him!

I'd go with something like "I just need to ask because I'm a bit rusty on things like this, but is this you asking me on a date? #awkward 😳 "

I wouldn't do this.

Why the urgency to categorize it? You're having a social outing with a new acquaintance. Enjoy it and see what naturally develops.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/02/2023 08:49

Sunshineandstarlight · 23/02/2023 18:39

Oh no im too embarrassed to ask! I think i just need to turn up!

he is cycling down to meet me from his office which is nice.

Only one thing though - I dont drink!! I spend a lot of my time in bars with friends who do though. I don't want to come across as a fun killer (a buzzkill my daughter calls it?) so can i just turn up and order a coke? Honestly have no idea how to behave, last premarriage date was about 20 years ago

Why could you not drink what you like???

Honestly, don't overthink every bit of minutiae. Just go and have a pleasant time getting to know a human being.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/02/2023 08:51

cassiatwenty · 23/02/2023 19:06

Even nice events, romance, new trips and people cause stress as it's something new.

I wouldn't mention any private things because small talk helps you suss things out if he's a safe person for you in the future. You don't need his validation on how you spent the last 3 years of your life, I mean this in a nice way.

There was Covid. We all struggled a bit last 3 years or so.

Even though it has been 3 years, you don't have to take things his pace if you are just getting the hang of things. It's ok to be excited a little then rest and see how you feel about him.

Exactly. Don't overshare. He's not a counselor or your new best friend. He's a friendly stranger you are having a casual drink with.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/02/2023 08:54

YesYou · 23/02/2023 22:20

You don't have to hide the fact you don't drink.

Be perfectly normal (yourself), peruse mocktail menu, order mocktail, when he questions it say I don't drink alcohol but I love a rooftop bar! Isn't it fabulous etc etc.

Job done.

Exactly!

You don't need to over-explain your taste in beverages to anyone, let alone a stranger.

The venue makes no difference. There are more reasons to go to a rooftop bar besides consuming alcohol.

friskybivalves · 24/02/2023 08:56

OP, their virgin mojitos rock. Also their Mary Berry's. Yum.

maddy68 · 24/02/2023 08:58

They will have a range of mocktails on the menu so have a look. Dont make a big thing out of being ill it's a bit of a buzz kill. If he asks about things just say you had a period of being unwell so had to have lots of treatment which made travel plans tricky. But all good now.

Ask him about him it's much easier listening

Good luck

HurryShadow · 24/02/2023 09:44

Also sounds like a date to me! I really wouldn't worry about not drinking. My now DH and I first met for a date at a pub and neither of us drank. In our case it was because we'd both driven there, but even if that's not the case with you, it doesn't matter.

The UK's drinking culture is reducing, especially among younger groups. Bars, etc, have so many lovely non-alcoholic options nowadays. I'm around the same age as you and back in my youth if you wanted something non-alcoholic the most extravagant thing you could get was a bitter lemon!

I often drink non-alcoholic beer when I go to the pub now - it tastes just the same to me but I get to drive home in comfort rather than battling for an Uber or public transport.

You have a common interest in your hobby, so you've got that to talk about. I wouldn't necessarily bring up your illness specifically, but you may find you end up having a conversation where it just can't be avoided. If that happens just focus on the "I'm better now" and play it down a bit if you need to - "I had to take some time out with an illness unfortunately, but I'm better now".

Good luck! And, more importantly, have fun!

viques · 24/02/2023 09:53

Sunshineandstarlight · 23/02/2023 18:52

Ok great thank you all.

Terrified! if he asks me about hobbies or holidays or just day to day stuff do you think its ok to mention at a high level that im just getting back into things having been unwell? I dont want to have a heavy conversation but some of our hobby involves going places and I haven’t actually been anywhere for 3 years.

also I'm just gonna be wearing a black woolen knee length dress and flats that I will wear straight from the office - I think thats ok? I didnt want to look as if I had changed especially, and he will just be off his bike anyway 😂

thank you everyone

Think Prue Leith necklace and take one with you to work to put on. The bigger the better.

Geranium1984 · 24/02/2023 10:05

Definitely a date 🥰
Don't worry about not drinking, if it's a cocktail bar they will have 'mocktails' or something fizzy like elderflower presse.

Have a great time!

EarringsandLipstick · 24/02/2023 10:09

I'd go with something like "I just need to ask because I'm a bit rusty on things like this, but is this you asking me on a date? #awkward

As others have said, please don't do this!

Take it as it comes - don't overthink it. It'll become clear when you meet if it's going in the direction of a date, and indeed, if that's what you want.

It's lovely! Enjoy 🍸

Geranium1984 · 24/02/2023 10:14

I've just read a few more if your posts and can see your worried about the not drinking. You don't need to specifically mention it, I think it's perfectly normal these days. Particularly after covid times when everyone stopped socialising.
I went out recently for a hen do/dinner and one if the guests, who is really social and was quite a party animal now doesn't drink. I don't think anyone batted an eye, she was still chatty and bubbly.

I've recently had a baby and during pregnancy noticed so many more options for non alcoholic drinks on menu's. Non alcoholic gins etc. Its a really big industry now.

PacificallyRequested · 24/02/2023 10:19

I must live in an alternate universe, but no way would I be agreeing to go on a date with some random guy from a hobby group that I'd been to once. OP for all you know he's a player who asks out every woman that joins the group. Politely decline this meet up, and keep going to the group. Chat to different people, get more of a sense of the group dynamics. In a few weeks if this guy seems OK, then go on a date. Otherwise there's a high chance it will all end in tears.

TellSomeoneElse · 24/02/2023 10:23

Ah sounds like it could be a fun evening. I wouldn’t clarify re whether it’s a date or not (altho personally I think it is) as if it doesn’t go overly well, or you don’t click, it’s easier just not to do it again without defining it in the first place imo. Don’t feel you need to mention your illness unless you want to and it naturally comes up, same with you not drinking.

EarringsandLipstick · 24/02/2023 10:24

PacificallyRequested · 24/02/2023 10:19

I must live in an alternate universe, but no way would I be agreeing to go on a date with some random guy from a hobby group that I'd been to once. OP for all you know he's a player who asks out every woman that joins the group. Politely decline this meet up, and keep going to the group. Chat to different people, get more of a sense of the group dynamics. In a few weeks if this guy seems OK, then go on a date. Otherwise there's a high chance it will all end in tears.

What awful thing will happen if she goes for a couple of drinks?

She'll like him / he'll like her, or not.

She's not agreeing to marry him. It's just a drink!