Am I being paranoid

[Headspin1234]

So I just need some advice. I have trust issues, been cheated on horrendously in the past. Been with partner a year.

I don’t trust him. He’s not done anything major to make me feel this way, In fact he reassures me. When we first starting dating he was still in touch with an ‘old friend’ which I saw a message from, I stupidly snooped, there was nothing untoward since we had started dating just friendly chat but he didn’t tell me about her which made me distrust him. I know it was bad of me to snoop!!!

he’s since cut contact with her. He’s now working with a woman, I know they’ve added each other on instagram (but he has a few other female colleagues on there too!). They
message each other on WhatsApp and I’ve resisted the temptation to snoop but been sat next to him when he’s messaged her, it all seems friendly chat. Thing is, she’s not his regular work mate, he’s off sick. He’s been with her for a few months. I feel unsettled about it. I don’t feel I can bring the subject up as I don’t want to feel foolish if it’s all innocent! So last week he told me she was on annual leave this week. He’s just rang me and said she’s cancelled her leave up work with him as the boss had rang her yesterday asking her to? Am I being silly thinking something may be going on? He tells me he loves me daily, we’ve just moved in together, to my house, he’s going thru a divorce and his house sale is going through.

he doesn’t stay late at work, doesn’t really socialise other than the odd drink after work once in a blue moon and there are always a few there?

it just makes me feel uncomfortable?

Anyone?

It doesn't really matter if you're right or wrong. You've only been together a year, you don't trust him, you're snooping, you can't talk to him about what's bothering you.

Whether he's up to something or whether you're feeling unsettled for reasons of your own, this needs sorting out. Unless you want to try to base the trust in your relationship on 'what mumsnet says'?

Accept how you feel without judging yourself. If you're paranoid, you'll have reasons, not necessarily from this relationship, but from your life in general. Having your feelings isn't bad. But if you have a partner who doesn't know about and, you feel, wouldn't deal well with your feelings, then you're going to feel like you have a partner who wouldn't deal well with you, because your feelings are a large part of who you are. By not sharing how you feel, you make a close relationship with him impossible. By judging your feelings, you make a healthy relationship with yourself impossible.

With neither your partner nor yourself on your side, allowing you to be you, you must feel pretty anxious?

@Watchkeys i have incredible anxiety. All the time. I’m menopausal too which isn’t helping. Just don’t feel I can bring up my fears, ie, are you cheating on me with a work colleague, without me sounding like done complete lunatic? But my feelings are still real! I feel because he wasn’t completely honest with me from the start about his ‘friend’ he kept in touch with, snd because I stupidly snooped, I can’t be honest myself! Does that make sense?

Yes, it makes sense, but only if you're looking at it from a perspective where your feelings count for very little.

What you're saying is that because he lied to you, you don't trust him. It's that simple, and it's his mistake that's lead to this, not a 'fault' in your feelings.

The part of you that you doubt is the part of you that's always been doubted: how you feel. But that's the only thing you can do anything about, and the only thing that matters. The circumstances really aren't important: you could be on your own desert island with a gorgeous husband, beautiful children, and all the money in the world, but if you didn't feel safe or comfortable, none of it would matter.

If your feelings were the most important thing in the world (more important than being careful of others' feelings, or what people thought of you) what would you do in your current situation? What would you need to do, to make yourself feel better?

@Watchkeys thank you.

if my feelings were the most important thing in the world then I guess I feel I’d be able to bring up the subject with my partner?

I’ve been dishonest as I snooped at his messages. They never said anything really untoward, more friendly chat, nothing really flirty, but he told me he wasn’t in touch with her. Fast forward to now, this work colleague comes in and forgoes her annual leave to work with him? But then again he’s completely honest and upfront about her also? I haven’t snooped again but like I’ve said I’ve been sat with him or his phone has been on the side and I know they WhatsApp and instagram message. What the content is I don’t know? Possibly work stuff?

In what way did he 'lie' to you about his female friend? Did you ask him to name all his female friends he had contact with and he left her out? Was it discussed at the start of you dating that he would cut contact with all his female friends?

It doesn't matter what the content is of the messages. You don't trust him. Why is that feeling something you think you can just ignore? Why do you think you should ignore it?

You are 2 people. We all are. One person is the feelings, and the other person is the judge of the feelings. Imagine you had someone follow you around everywhere you went, in every room, every minute, and they kept saying to you 'Your feelings are meaningless and silly. I don't respect how you feel. You should keep on feeling those bad feelings, because you're not worth the effort of making them go away. Just keep feeling crap: your feelings are ridiculous, after all' etc etc. Don't you think you'd feel anxious, being spoken to like that all the time?

When you say you don't trust him, do you mean you're actively suspicious and constantly afraid he's up to something, or do you just mean that you don't think "he's a great guy so will never do anything bad"?

During lockdown I got a message from a bloke I haven't seen for years. Just looked like he was bored from being indoors so long, and was saying hello - nothing dodgy. We asked about each other's children. Haven't written again since. I didn't mention it to my dp, and I don't think I've ever mentioned this guy that I haven't seen in maybe 10 years. If he had spotted a message from him, he might have felt worried. But not out of paranoia, just because I am a human, and humans sometimes have affairs.

Entertaining the thought that your dp could cheat on you doesn't mean you're paranoid. Of course he could cheat on you with his workmate. OTOH, bringing your worries up is unlikely to help. He'd deny it whether he's up to anything or not, and if he was doing anything untoward, it would just make him more careful.

I don't have any real advice @Headspin1234 but just wanted to say I'm a scarily similar position.

Been with bf for almost a year. Have "anxious attachment" - always have done in all my relationships so think it goes back to childhood.

I had therapy a few years ago when single and thought I was better. It's only since I've got into a relationship it's all come flooding back.

I've had similar concerns/arguments this week but about social media usage.

It's tricky as I'm so torn between "listen to your gut & if you don't feel secure then leave" vs "is it my own insecurities and issues causing me to feel this way. If I leave I could end a great relationship over nothing all because of my past issues, get with someone else and repeat the cycle.

I can't decide if I'm right to be wary or if it's me looking for issues/sabotaging.

No real advice but I wanted to say I really get it. Im starting CBT this week 🤞🏼

This sounds like your issue, not his.
Him phoning you to tell you she cancelled her leave is weird, unless you're outwardly paranoid and he's walking on eggshells, though.

@nc1013 If it's triggering past issues and you can't talk it through with your partner until you feel better, it's not a great relationship. That's at the crux of the problem of anxious attachment. A great relationship is one that feels great to both parties. That's it. If you don't feel great, it's not a great relationship, whether your concerns are triggered from the past, from your own stuff, from your partner's behaviour, or from anything else. In a great relationship, if you have a concern, you talk to your partner, and you work it out calmly until it feels better. You don't 'try to have the right feelings' or 'worry about opening up'.

You don't trust him. You don't feel you can bring things up with him.

You should not be with him.

You don't trust him. Nothing you've written suggests there's a reason for this. I'm inclined to say yo should move on though but I guess you could try laying your cards on the table, asking for his help to reassure you and see what happens. BUT.... you can only do that once. If he agrees to show you messages etc, you then have to accept that he IS trustworthy or, if you still can't, let him go. Because otherwise you run the risk of slipping into controlling paranoid behaviour where he is constantly on edge becuase he thinks you're going to freak out or get suspicious if he mentions a woman or doesn't show you every message. And that is not fair.

It sounds like you don’t like him having female friends? I’m not sure why you’re noth discussing her, and her holidays. That’s odd.

are you getting help for your anxiety ? You seem to view snooping as just something you do and not realise what an utter betrayal of trust it is,

Thank you all for your replies.

when we first starting dating he told me about a female friend from years ago, who he’d been in touch with and she’d gone quiet on him when he’d told her he was dating me. They share a history from years ago, he’s 50 now and I think they knew each other as teens/young adults. She always posts on social media on birthdays etc, likes/love heart emoji on all his posts which are very limited as he hardly posts. He’d never said they’d reconnected as such, and because of my stupid snooping I’d found out he was still in touch with her. Granted, I know he didn’t need to tell me, but as someone who is insecure it didn’t sit right. Before we got together there were a few flirty messages, referring back to when they were young and how they ‘loved each other’ albeit from him in his own words ‘as a friend’. Anyway, since we got together they were just chatty ‘how are you doing/how are the kids/what are you up to’ type messages. He’s since deleted her off social media as I did tell him it made me feel insecure.

the work colleague one is tricky as I don’t want to come across as controlling. As much as I say I’m insecure, he does tell me daily he loves me, he tells me how I’m all he wants, his ex wife cheated on him and he never wants to go thru that again. Like I’ve said, apart from work snd the occasional pint after work he doesn’t go anywhere to facilitate an affair? But it doesn’t stop me fearing it.

@MsMarch re him showing me messages etc, he leaves his phone, I know his passcode. Would he do that if he was hiding anything? I haven’t snooped since the ‘old friend’ incident. I don’t want to. But I could. Which makes me feel maybe it is all me?

@GoodChat what do you mean by him phoning me and telling me she’d cancelled her leave is weird?

we chat most days whilst at work, he’d mentioned last week he thought he’d be working solo as his regular colleague is off sick, he also mentioned this woman was on leave and she is his regular stand in do he was unsure who he’d be working with? So when I spoke to him he’d said ‘oh ‘colleague’ has come in as the boss phoned her on Sunday to see if she could’.

there was nothing untoward since we had started dating just friendly chat but he didn’t tell me about her which made me distrust him.

I feel that it's healthy for people not to have to explain or tell their partner about every single interaction they have on a daily basis. It is healthy to have a private life. He doesn't owe you the contents of his brain.

From what you have written this is an issue with you, not something he's doing. Be very careful how you approach this, your fear of losing him is more likely to become real if he knows you don't trust him, and for the love of Pete, stop the snooping!

You don't trust him because of beliefs you've got, due to past relationships, this is not your fault, but it is your responsiblity to deal with, so you can have a healthy relationship in future.

Work on yourself, and getting a hold of your thoughts and feelings, not trying to control who he works with and talks to.

@GoldDuster this is exactly my fear hence why I’m posting on here to try and get it out there and out of my head 😩

If it bothers you, bring it up to him now. It doesn't matter if it's innocent - if it bothers you put yourself first and if your not okay with him messaging women colleagues then say it and make your boundaries clear and if he respects you enough he won't do things that make you uncomfortable

@peannut

OP asked him about the "old friend" even though the snoop provided nothing suspicious, and he cut contact with her in response.

It would be fully unreasonable for OP to have boundaries that required her DP to cut contact with every person he is in touch with that made her feel suspicious.

Your OP read like he'd phoned you specifically to tell you.

If it was just in general conversation you're massively overthinking.

How old are you? Are you quite a lot younger than him or same age?

Tbh nothing there says he is doing anything. No diffrent to my hubby having work peeps on his Facebook and chatting with them and sounds similar he more than happy like my hubby to chat to them in front of you nothing to hide. Sounds like you maybe need some counselling to get over your past or you will push your man away. Even tho yous aren't speaking about it he will feel it you know. Make to many issues about stuff that isn't an issue and one day he will go he has had enough because it can come accross as controlling to. Best thing dont snoop just ask to see haha I do occasionally out of curiosity and quite frankly it's mainly work crap and rubbish jokes lol

It all sounds innocent, and do you know what, if I was dating someone who was insecure, I'd say as little as possible.
It's not lying to not say anything about innocent interactions.
The point of snooping is to find out if things are innocent, so when you see they are, it's time to stop worrying. Unfortunately, you seem a bit obsessive about it all and snooping has not satisfied you, so there is no point in it.
Women in the workplace are a fact of life. He sounds a decent enough fella, you are going to have to deal with it or accept you're not in the right frame of mind for a relationship.
Other than that, I'd say a year is a bit quick for moving him in. Is it because of his divorce? Should not speed up timelines to suit someone's need for somewhere to live.

This woman coming in because they are short-staffed and her boss asked her if she would is not the same thing as her volunteering to give up her free time to be with your dp. And he only mentioned her having time off in the context of there being no-one else in his office - not because he is particulary interested in what she does? I agree that it just sounds innocent: him wondering whether he'll have anyone else working with him this week.

Like I say, it's not that unusual in itself to think about the possibility of a dp cheating. Only you will really know whether you're fixating on that possibility a bit too much. From your question it sounds like you think that's likely. But your question also shows that you're aware it might be OTT. So it's not like you're deluded.

Personally I don't think it's necessary to share every thought I have with my dp. He could easily cheat on me; we don't live together. But I can't ask him not to communicate with other women; that would be horribly controlling (plus he'd laugh in my face!), and what would be the point of me saying "You're a bit chatty with Jane and it makes me suspect you"? How would that help either of us? I can't see how it would help get anything off my chest - surely we'd just both feel awkward and less close - and what could he do or say to make me feel better?