Am I being paranoid

[Headspin1234]

So I just need some advice. I have trust issues, been cheated on horrendously in the past. Been with partner a year.

I don’t trust him. He’s not done anything major to make me feel this way, In fact he reassures me. When we first starting dating he was still in touch with an ‘old friend’ which I saw a message from, I stupidly snooped, there was nothing untoward since we had started dating just friendly chat but he didn’t tell me about her which made me distrust him. I know it was bad of me to snoop!!!

he’s since cut contact with her. He’s now working with a woman, I know they’ve added each other on instagram (but he has a few other female colleagues on there too!). They
message each other on WhatsApp and I’ve resisted the temptation to snoop but been sat next to him when he’s messaged her, it all seems friendly chat. Thing is, she’s not his regular work mate, he’s off sick. He’s been with her for a few months. I feel unsettled about it. I don’t feel I can bring the subject up as I don’t want to feel foolish if it’s all innocent! So last week he told me she was on annual leave this week. He’s just rang me and said she’s cancelled her leave up work with him as the boss had rang her yesterday asking her to? Am I being silly thinking something may be going on? He tells me he loves me daily, we’ve just moved in together, to my house, he’s going thru a divorce and his house sale is going through.

he doesn’t stay late at work, doesn’t really socialise other than the odd drink after work once in a blue moon and there are always a few there?

it just makes me feel uncomfortable?

@monsteramunch we share a WhatsApp family group and he gave me his phone to look at something one of the kids posted. I saw the message and yes, stupidly, I opened it.

@BuffyTheBuffetSlayer please, no apology necessary 😃

@nc1013 what is happening with you?

He's openly sharing his phone with you which indicates he's not trying to hide anything. But you're still looking at his private messages without permission.

This really sounds like behaviour that you need to explore in some counselling so that you don't sabotage your relationships due to the trauma of being cheated on in the past.

Because while I sympathise as I've been there too, your behaviour is unfair on him and is going to become toxic. He would probably be gutted if he knew you felt this way.

You can't keep looking at his private messages OP, it's not going to solve anything

@monsteramunch i brought the subject up, without mentioning specifics. I told him I feel really insecure all the time, he knows my history.

he said he sees his life with me, he is happy, I said I’m scared he’s going to leave. I never put any blame on him, I explained that I feel quite disconnected from him. He asked what could he do to make me feel better? I said just be there. He gave me a massive cuddle. He says he will never leave he feels really lucky to have me, said it was the best decision he’d ever made asking me out. Also said if he was planning on leaving why had he moved in, why is he planning ahead for the future?

@monsteramunch he said it’s not fair on him. He said he believes and trusts me why don’t I feel the same? I wish i felt better after talking to him but I don’t.

You’re being really unfair on him and you’re going to ruin the good relationship you have.

is it really just me who thinks it’s strange sending a pic of a cake and coffee with ‘missing you 😂😂💕’ on it????

He didn't send that though, did he? She did.

He's been open with his phone, has listened to your concerns and reassured you, asked you what you needed and given it to you with a big hug, been kind and expressed how much he loves and cares about you.

It feels a bit like whatever happens you aren't in the headspace to trust anyone properly until you work through some of the trauma of having been cheated on in the past.

I think that whatever he does, you'll project those experiences onto until you have really worked through them yourself.

I've been there and the only reason I'm in a healthy, stable long term relationship is that I was single for a decent amount of time while having therapy due to the trauma of past relationships.

Otherwise I would have either picked people who treated me badly, or sabotaged those who treated me well as a self defence mechanism. At the moment one of those two things is happening to you and it sounds like it's likely the latter just based on what you've shared.

Would you be open to loookg for some counselling to talk it through with someone objective?

At this point, the only thing he could do to make you feel better is to say he will never speak to her again. But that would of course be very wrong of you to ask, because you can't expect to dictate who he is friends with.

And with your headspace where it's at, even if he did cut her out of his life, as soon as someone else female / attractive etc popped up at his work or friendship group, I think the feelings you're having now would resurface and you'd simply be in the same situation just about a different woman?

Jesus Christ, how the hell is he putting up with you. The only possible thing he could do here to make you happy is stop talking to this woman completely, and in a few months I'm sure you'd be at it again about someone else.

He's already cut off one friend for you, and yet you're still snooping, and making him constantly have to reassure you.

I have no advice for you other than get some therapy. I wish your DP posted on here so I could tell him to run a mile!

I think perhaps you might need to get some counselling. If you are constantly looking for him to fail then you are always going to find something to be stressed about. He sounds like he's always been honest with you, and you have no reason to be concerned. And to be honest, if he was cheating he wouldn't tell you if you asked! See if you can get some help for your own wellbeing.

I am in the process of trying to get some help. I don’t like feeling this way! I really don’t burden him with my thoughts which is why I blurt everything out on here, it helps! I had to say something today tho and im
glad he’s aware of how I’m feeling.

Well, I'm glad the conversation has helped you OP. Bet it hasn't done much for your partner's mental health though.

@fdgdfgdfgdfg im glad he’s aware of how I’m feeling in the sense that I’ve opened up and told him my insecurities and fears, not that I want to burden him.

But you are burdening him.

You don't trust him, and you probably never will. That's not his fault, it's yours. You're not in a position to be in a relationship at the moment, and you know that.

Have u asked him why she's missing him?

@newforest1 he doesn’t know I’ve seen the messsges.

You're obsessed with the fact you think he might be deceiving you but you're the one lying to him!

He cut off a friend for you, has reassured you, asked you what you need, gave it to you and has been rewarded by you still not trusting him and still going through his private messages without permission.

This is toxic behaviour and if you start guilt tripping him and asking him to cut off more people, which it sounds like you're going to do, it's moving into coercive control behaviour.

Thank you all. I most certainly am not going to even begin to suggest he cuts contact with this woman, he likes her regardless and he works with her. I absolutely know this is mainly my issue, however when he asks what he can do, like has been said, I can’t be honest as I read his messages. I know I’ve done wrong. I’ve made the first step and contacted a mental health team to talk thru some options on therapy.

Sounds like a good first step, @Headspin1234. It might take a while to work out what treatment helps, and even then it could take a while to work, so the sooner you start the better. In the meantime I'd also recommend trying out some psychology books/podcasts - the decent ones all tend to say roughly the same thing, but the repetition means it sinks in a bit over time!

Thank you @80s