Am I being paranoid

[Headspin1234]

So I just need some advice. I have trust issues, been cheated on horrendously in the past. Been with partner a year.

I don’t trust him. He’s not done anything major to make me feel this way, In fact he reassures me. When we first starting dating he was still in touch with an ‘old friend’ which I saw a message from, I stupidly snooped, there was nothing untoward since we had started dating just friendly chat but he didn’t tell me about her which made me distrust him. I know it was bad of me to snoop!!!

he’s since cut contact with her. He’s now working with a woman, I know they’ve added each other on instagram (but he has a few other female colleagues on there too!). They
message each other on WhatsApp and I’ve resisted the temptation to snoop but been sat next to him when he’s messaged her, it all seems friendly chat. Thing is, she’s not his regular work mate, he’s off sick. He’s been with her for a few months. I feel unsettled about it. I don’t feel I can bring the subject up as I don’t want to feel foolish if it’s all innocent! So last week he told me she was on annual leave this week. He’s just rang me and said she’s cancelled her leave up work with him as the boss had rang her yesterday asking her to? Am I being silly thinking something may be going on? He tells me he loves me daily, we’ve just moved in together, to my house, he’s going thru a divorce and his house sale is going through.

he doesn’t stay late at work, doesn’t really socialise other than the odd drink after work once in a blue moon and there are always a few there?

it just makes me feel uncomfortable?

If you don't think you're batshit, then you have to work out what it is that makes you doubt yourself. You do things with good reason, not wildly or stupidly. There is something that makes your current reaction the right reaction, to a part of you that you're not recognising.

@80s yes we live together. We stayed either each other up until Jan this year and his house is now sold so he’s moved in with me. This was always the plan tho. He has equity in his house (sale pending) so it’s not as if I feel he’s using my home as a stop gap.

Re the gig, we lived 50 miles apart so we stayed in his home that currently being sold. So he was staying 50 miles away anyway so I wouldn’t have seen him sneak back in the early hours.

@Watchkeys i feel this way as I’ve never been offered security snd love, since childhood snd in previous relationships so I feel so scared the rug is going to be pulled from underneath me? Maybe not confident enough in myself that someone loves me and won’t cheat on me again?

the work colleague is a tricky one as it’s happened before twice with previous partners having affairs with colleagues.

My point is that why would he choose that moment to do something sneaky, when he has a multitude of other times he could sneak about, should he want to. He could be up to no good with anyone. Do all my suggestions for what he could have done sound plausible? If not, where does it start to sound unlikely, knowing your dp?

@80s as far as I know he only sees her at work so a night out would be a prime time to do it? I was 50 miles away so I’d have known no different.

You're the one who has to be on your side, and make sure that you will protect yourself from situations that make you uncomfortable.

@Watchkeys i hopefully am on my side I just don’t know how to address this/whether im making mountains out of molehills?

I know I defo need to seek some therapy I just don’t want to keep snapping and being resentful with my partner when he may be innocent?

He never posts on social media, I’m not even on social media, but he posted on Valentine’s night that we had been seeing each other just over a year and his happy he is snd how here’s to many more……. Logically not the actions of a man wanting something else? Also this colleague liked it!!!

You say "when he may be innocent" as if there's anything to suggest that he might not be. But all you have told us about is the opportunity for him to cheat. Haviing an opportunity to cheat is not a sign that someone might be cheating.

I don’t know when he’d physically have the opportunity to conduct an affair, but that doesn’t make me fear he’s emotionally involved and WANTS something to happen?

You are going g round in circles O.P, you will drive yourself to distraction is you carry on like this. Please get some counselling to help you manage your insecurities.

@Seaoftroubles thank you I totally am going round in circles. I’m sorry for the drip feed posting, I really have nobody to talk to in real life. My two closest friends are going thru such a hard time at the min the last thing I need to do is take my troubles to them.

Yes, it sounds like you're back to the start, thinking that his everday actions are suspicious?

There are people you can talk to. This is one place. And you can phone a helpline. And the sooner you speak to your doctor and start organising help, the better.

@80s thank you. My friend has given me some contact details for a counselling service. I just feel the need to let rip on here too lol.

Op don't make this into a self fulfilling prophesy that you can then turn round and say 'ha, told you so'.

He doesn't sound as if he has done anything to actually make you distrust him. There will always be younger, prettier, older, not so pretty women around, it doesn't mean he wants them as anything other than friends/colleagues.

He says he loves you, believe him. Have some faith in your worth.

If you are questioning your own sanity and feeling that you're making mountains out of molehills, you're not on your own side. Look up self validation. You have to understand that, safe in your knowledge that you're not a loon, all your feelings have a reason. It might not be the thing that appears to be the cause now... perhaps you're fearing his lack of support because you've never recovered from the lack of support when you were a kid? That's commonly how it works.

When we become adults, it's not that we don't need parents anymore, it's that we're deemed legally old enough to parent ourselves. We parent ourselves in the way our parents showed us how to parent, so, in your case, that's with a lack of support, and probably being told you were making mountains out of molehills, and that you were 'nuts' whenever you felt strongly about something? Is that miles off the mark?

@Somanysocks he tells me he loves me daily, many times. Like I’ve said the logic part of my brain tells me he wouldn’t if he wanted someone else? He’s just moved lock stock and barrel to live with me. He talks all the time about our future. Why can’t I believe him? All I see is him being tempted by someone, this work colleague being a strong possibility.

This is little to do with his words, or his actions, and everything to do with what's going on inside your head.

Yesterday, a BT engineer came to my house to repair the phoneline. He was young and gorgeous, super friendly, I made him and the driver a cup of tea. He was super chatty, mildly flirty.

At no point during that interaction did I view that as a temptation. I was not driven to ask him in for a shag, or for his number. He fixed the line and left.

You're probabaly in similar situations all the time, unless you live in a sealed box.

Do you see every interaction with a male as an "opportunity to cheat"? Are you constantly tempted? The answer might be yes, but I'm thinking it's probably not.

In which case, can you try to move towards a belief that your DP feels the same? Can you credit him with the intelligence and good character he requires in order to make decent choices? If not, why are you with him? He's not going to trip and fall with his dick in someone. It would be a series of choices that led to an affair.

Your belief that he will cheat is causing you to fabricate a tale that fits with that. You need to work with a therapist to change that belief, you're not going to be able to rationalise your way out of this, because it's not rational.

@GoldDuster thank you your words really do resonate.

everything to say is helpful and it does make me try and see things from a different perspective. I certainly don’t see any interaction with the opposite sex as any means to cheat. I do however struggle to see my partner feeling the same and herein lies my problem. I do tend to think it’s mostly me. He was unhappily married for a long time and he never cheated, she ended up having an affair. He tells me he’s never been happier but for some reason I feel he is at work wishing he was with this colleague!! We have had some awful rows, we’ve moved house, town, he’s going thru a horrible divorce, kids, work, it sometimes gets too much. We are both passionate people and one little thing gets said, always out of context, and weve fallen out! Always always make up and apologise. But I feel he thinks I’m miserable! He’d rather be with her as he’s said he loves working with her and they have a right laugh. As I’ve said I’m menopausal which isn’t helping. I work long shifts he works relatively short days but he travels. Again this makes me insecure as the original plan was for him to transfer to the town we now live in but he’s said he likes where he is, strangely around the time he started working with her after his regular mate went on long term sick.

I work long shifts he works relatively short days but he travels. Again this makes me insecure

This doesn't make you insecure. Your insecurites make this a problem. You're telling yourself he decided not to transfer because he wants to shag his colleague, because that backs up your belief that he wants to cheat on you with her.

You will make every thing that happens fit the story that you're telling yourself. If he worked from home, it would be the postwoman. What he does, and where he goes are not the issue here.

@Headspin1234 I owe you an apology. My posts were written from a place of being triggered which I normally don't do, I usually avoid posting which is what I should have done here too.

You are nothing like my controlling jealous ex. Albeit the fears and anxieties you have may be similar, but you have the self awareness to step back and realise you need help with perspective whereas he would never have done that. And you are not bat shit crazy, or a lunatic.

Some gave the advice to talk to your DP and explain how you feel. If you choose to do this, from my experience it might be best to explain it from the point of view that you have all these insecurities and anxiety because of your past, and explain how x, y and z which he does heightens these feelings. But it is important to reassure him that it is not his fault and you do not expect him to stop doing what he is doing.

This will allow you to share how you feel in a non accusatory way while letting him understand the extent of the problem and what it looks like day to day from your perspective. It also allows it be his decision if he wants to alter how he behaves to accommodate you 'while you get help' without him feeling forced. But it has to be his decision.

Making him feel forced will only make him want to eventually pull away from you. It also opens up the ability to have 'check in' chats where you can sit and chat about progress you've made (through therapy) and also provides you the opportunity to say what you're still struggling with, including specific things he did recently that triggered you (again in a non accusatory way because remembr these are your issues) and that you want to focus more on these areas during therapy while giving him the opportunity to show you his phone, explain in greater detail etc but again, only if he wants to, this has to be his choice. I feel this is a far more positive approach that could take away your constant bottling things up and tying your stomach in knots leading to the arguments you describe.

After all, as PP have explained, what you have shared about his his behaviour, his work scenario with colleagues, it is all normal. And he sounds open, ready and willing to support you so let him

Your original question was “Am I being paranoid?”

Kindly? Yes, I think you are. That doesn’t make you a bad person, but I do think you could do with some therapy to help you move past this.

I’ve just seen a message from her ….. a pic of a cake and a coffee….. and saying ‘missing you 🥰💕😂’ and he replied ‘I’m not speaking to you until you get back on 14/15 😂😂’

WTAF

Tbh I'd be 100% the same as you and I'm experiencing the same situation/feelings. Just started counselling to try and get it under control.

However as an outsider. I even think that last message exchange could be innocent. It's like she's teasing him that he's missing out on cake and the 😍 could be aimed at the cake. I'd say it was tongue in cheek that she's having fun without him. Even if she is slightly flirty his reply sounds innocent to me.

I do know exactly how you feel though

You say you've just seen a message OP.

Be honest, does that mean you're routinely checking his phone now?