Am I being paranoid

[Headspin1234]

So I just need some advice. I have trust issues, been cheated on horrendously in the past. Been with partner a year.

I don’t trust him. He’s not done anything major to make me feel this way, In fact he reassures me. When we first starting dating he was still in touch with an ‘old friend’ which I saw a message from, I stupidly snooped, there was nothing untoward since we had started dating just friendly chat but he didn’t tell me about her which made me distrust him. I know it was bad of me to snoop!!!

he’s since cut contact with her. He’s now working with a woman, I know they’ve added each other on instagram (but he has a few other female colleagues on there too!). They
message each other on WhatsApp and I’ve resisted the temptation to snoop but been sat next to him when he’s messaged her, it all seems friendly chat. Thing is, she’s not his regular work mate, he’s off sick. He’s been with her for a few months. I feel unsettled about it. I don’t feel I can bring the subject up as I don’t want to feel foolish if it’s all innocent! So last week he told me she was on annual leave this week. He’s just rang me and said she’s cancelled her leave up work with him as the boss had rang her yesterday asking her to? Am I being silly thinking something may be going on? He tells me he loves me daily, we’ve just moved in together, to my house, he’s going thru a divorce and his house sale is going through.

he doesn’t stay late at work, doesn’t really socialise other than the odd drink after work once in a blue moon and there are always a few there?

it just makes me feel uncomfortable?

@GoldDuster

Thank you.

@GoldDuster , classy response there. Good job. 😊

@Watchkeys Yes actually it is all her fault. By her own posts, albeit trying to spin it as his fault, which is appauling, it's her who is at fault. She is the one coming into the relationship with the issues. Its her responsibility to sort herself out without emotionally damaging someone else. Or do you think she has a right to drag him down with her?? I can go into detail about the the psychological damage she will do to him if you don't understand. I lived with someone like her for 13 years and had a mental breakdown after I finally broke free. Or is it different because OP is woman that is the jealous, controlling, possessive person in this post?

Has no one noticed all her posts are about her, how she feels, how she is the victim? She is so blinded by her own wants, needs, and feelings that she is prepared to tear him down if he does something she does not approve of and fails to take genuine responsibility for her behaviour. Pandering to her victimship only serves for her to see her actions as just while conveniently glossing over posts highlighting how her DP has done nothing to deserve this.

People, men and women, who are possessive, controlling and jealous are rarely interested in their own flaws being pointed out whilst twisting everything in their head so it suites their narrative. Again, OP very much demonstrates this in all her posts.

And those saying she should discuss it openly with her DP are so naive! She see's people saying "awe poor you, youre just 'insecure'" as giving her a justifiable excuse to behave badly. Being with someone like her is like the frog in the pot that slowly boils to death. It starts off with bad behaviour from her to 'poor me I'm insecure' discussions. But what her DP is not aware of, is that people like OP escalate over time to the detriment of their own health. The strange controlling behaviours get worse and worse to the point of bordering on plain fucking crazy.

There is no advice you can give OP that will make her look at her own behaviours because she is too busy eating herself alive with her own perception of reality. She needs a lot of professional help away from relationships where she is tying herself in knots.

She absolutely is a victim in her own life in the sense of how she has been affected by her own past relationships. She is absolutely not a victim in this relationship.

You sound angry @BuffyTheBuffetSlayer

Relationships aren't about fault and victims. If it's a healthy relationship, she can talk to him about any issue she has brought to the relationship, and they'll be able to resolve it. If they can't, then whether the issue comes from her or him, then the relationship isn't healthy.

Or is it different because OP is woman that is the jealous, controlling, possessive person in this post?
It's different because OP is not your ex.

@Watchkeys I'm not angry, I'm amazed at the supportive posts insisting she punish her DP further.

I love your use of the word IF when discussing this relationship 😂clearly this is not a healthy relationship and OP has clearly demonstrated this with alarm bells on while waving a bunch of red flags that she is incapable of being part of a healthy relationship right now, or in thr future if she refuses to look inward. So why not advise her accordingly?

If you have one person emotionally abusing another continuously then there very much is one person at fault and another who is victim. Just because the person being abused stays doesn't nean they are not a victim. Often they are made to feel it is their fault, again demonstrated by the OP who told everyone her DP was a liar for not disclosing information she was not even entitled to know by being devious and sneeky.

@BuffyTheBuffetSlayer

I didn't write my advice with the hope of your approval.

@Headspin1234 I hope my posts have been of some use to you, and that you won't buy into any ill placed anger on the thread. Perhaps you will talk to your partner, or perhaps you will decide to sort out what's happening on your own, but whatever you decide to do, I hope you'll do it with self respect and respect to your partner. Good luck.

OP said he "wasn’t completely honest", meaning that he didn't tell her he was still in touch with his old friend. She did not say he lied to her. She was asking if she's paranoid, and expressed worry that she was overreacting. How is that not looking inward?

I’m at work tonight. I will address your comments tomorrow but I just want to say I appreciate each and every one of them, negative and positive. I know I have issues, hence why I’ve posted this. I know a lot of it (most of it?) is my problem. However my partner wasn’t completely transparent regarding the old friend at the beginning of our relationship and rightly or wrongly it’s bothered me going forward. But I stupidly snooped, so I feel I’m as bad as I too haven’t been transparent. I just wanted some advice on how to get my head around the fact that yes I’m insecure and have trust issues but I wanted to know the opinions of whether or not I’m over reacting? But like I say I appreciate each and every response.

Re read all of your posts. Amazing how different some opinions are. Like I’ve said I do appreciate all of them.

one of the posts said how the thread is all about ME and MY feelings, well, isn’t that the point of me posting? I can’t comment on my partners feelings? All I would like to get out of this thread is a) clarity that I’m not actually (as someone previously said) ‘bat shit crazy’, b) that I AM being unreasonable and I’m seeing things that aren’t there?

I guess I just want to stop feeling this heightened sense of anxiety and fear that something is going to happen, he will be tempted elsewhere, have strong feelings for someone else. It’s a horrible cycle to be in and I DO want to change snd get help.

Your response to some of the more critical comments suggests (to me, at least!) that you are capable of reasoned judgement. And you're describing your own cycle of fear from a sensible outside POV, so you're not totally wrapped up in that world. I think it's just a matter of practice tbh. After I got divorced I had therapy, and we mainly talked about my childhood fears - that alone helped a lot. Get some (more?) therapy if you can, try out some psychology books, podcasts. It might not "cure" you, but it does help.

One thing I found helpful about the therapy was that we thought each fear all the way through. When you're afraid of something you often avoid thinking about it; it's "too scary". Look more closely at your fears and think them all the way through to the end. If he got tempted elsewhere, what is scary about that? (You don't have to come up with a solution; just work out what it is exactly you are afraid of, and look at it properly, with adult eyes.)

You are being unreasonable to constantly suspect him of cheating, and to snoop on him as a result. But sure, he could be cheating. Anyone could be cheating.

Do you think you're batshit crazy? What are you like in life generally? Lunatic, or actually pretty sane and reasoned?

@Watchkeys I certainly don’t think I’m crazy! I’m very level headed day to day, very practice. I never had any parental support growing up, been cheated on time and time again, single parent and very self sufficient for many years, so my anxiety is high regarding my fears of being let down again. These issues wouldn’t even scratch the surface with a lot of people, especially those who know what security feels like.

im constantly on alert waiting for the inevitable to happen. I’m constantly waiting for him to actually confirm my fears and feel deeply for someone else. It’s exhausting. It’s helpful reading everyone’s advice and views.

the logical part of my brain asks why would he move to a different town to live with me, why would he tell me he loves me and talk endlessly about our future? IF IT WASNT TRUE! But then fear takes over and when you desire something so much, ie that happy secure life, then isn’t it inevitable you’re fearful something or someone will take it away?

You sound really lovely OP, you're not batshit or crazy, you're far from it. You sound like you've got a really good grip of what's going on and why.

It's not your fault, you're wired to be in a heightened state of alert due to things that have happened to you, and you are right, that is exhausting.

Is there any way you can get into some therapy to help bring that level of need for control down? You can self refer in some places, or the GP will be able to refer you, the wait might be long but it will be worth it in the end. Meanwhile there are loads of resources online, I wish you all the best.

Hopefully your man will see that you're aware and are addressing it, and love you even more for that.

I’m constantly waiting for him to actually confirm my fears and feel deeply for someone else.
Why would that be terrible, though? Because you enjoy being with this nice man, and it would be sad to lose that positive thing - or because you are terrified that you are unlovable, and if he liked someone else more that would prove how shit you are?

@80s a bit of both?

im sorry to keep harping on, I have nobody to talk to in real life about this. He’s just rang me he’s a work I asked him what sort of day he was having. It’s his regular mates day off today he’d said last night he had a msn working with him who kind of fills in the gaps if that makes sense. So he said oh I’m on with ‘female colleague’ again!!! The other man was on leave and they’d partnered my fella up with some agency staff member. He’d kicked off and said he wasn’t working with agency staff as they don’t know his particular job enough and he’s not a ‘trainer’ and doesn’t get paid to constantly train others? Am I being yet again unreasonable to feel really angry/hurt/put out that YET AGAIN it’s been ‘sorted’ he’s working with her!??

Oh love, she's his colleague. He's going to have to work with her, and other women. There are a lot of hoops for them both to jump through before a working relationship transgresses into something that would affect your relationship with him.

Just because she's a woman, doesn't make her a threat to you. Just because he's a man, doesn't mean he's going to do anything with his female colleague.

If you feel angry, hurt and put out that he has a female colleague then yes, I think we can say that you've got a bit of an issue there that you need some help with. I'm not saying you don't feel the way you do, but I'm thinking that you need to do something about it so it doesn't continue.

He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. He can't only work with men, you get suspicious if he doesn't tell you, you get upset when he does.

Step back a bit if you can and see it from a very distant perspective, as though someone else was telling you this.

She's his workmate. He works with her. He also works with his regular partner, and with the man he worked with yesterday. This is a normal work schedule, so, yes, it's unreasonable of you to focus on him working with one workmate, and not another :)

I have nobody to talk to in real life about this.
That's what therapists are for :) - they actually get paid to listen to this stuff. Friends are obviously helpful, too, but therapists are excellent for talking about the secret stuff you'd feel stupid admitting to.

In the meantime, how about if you don't ask him about his work schedule, if it's more distressing to know about it? And maybe ask him not to phone you from work, as you're worried about getting him into trouble? Just cut down on the constant work chitchat?

Oh mate, yes, yes you are unreasonable. I have male colleagues I work really well with and would chose them over some others. Doesn’t mean anything more than I like them, work well with them and enjoy their company and the job.

Kindly, I would leave someone who was this paranoid about me having friends of the opposite sex and I would certainly be 😮 if they were annoyed if I’d not mentioned an old friend.

I really do encourage you to seek some therapy for your insecurities before they destroy your relationship.

You need therapy to get over your insecurity before you ruin this relationship. If my partner had read my emails, I'd leave them. It's a gross invasion of their privacy.

Your p has given you no reason at all to be insecure. It sounds like this is all on your head - and you're the only one who can resolve this.

I know it's hard to change fixed beliefs, but I think you're going to have to work on this if you want anything to change.

I don't know my ex was cheating on me & I had all sorts of paranoia, odd feelings, weird things happening, confusion, extreme anxiety. Now I'm away from him my anxiety has gone & I see things so much more clearly. I think if you're feeling that it's because you're being triggered for some reason. Can you get some space from him to think things through, try to see a bit more clearly? To focus on you & what you want?

Thank you all.

i have two brains it feels at the min haha! My logical and illogical brain! He talks about this colleague a lot but then if he WAS having feelings for her would he or would she be someone he doesn’t mention? He happily hands his phone to me (example if mine on charge and I want to Google something?), surely if there was anything to hide he wouldn’t?

it’s just every day he isn’t working with his regular colleague it’s HER! She is rostered to work with others so surely that vacancy needs filling if she is taken off then to work with my partner? He tells me he has a ‘right laugh’ with her snd his regular colleague is a right grump who brings him down with his morose attitude and constant moaning.

his messages were open on WhatsApp the other day I DIDNT snoop as such but the page was open so i read them. Duffy touch his phone or scroll just read a few lines. It was him saying ‘come back all is forgiven’ ie he was back working with regular mate. She’s answered ‘is he doing your head in?’ My partner said yes I’m going to get hammered tonight lol snd she’d replied oh no has he driven you to drink…… enjoy snd a beer emoji. Now, SURELY they are innocent messages? There was no ‘missing you’ etc or kisses?

another thing was I’d gone out with him on Saturday night it was impromptu on my part I’d managed to get a day off last minute. We went to a gig. Was a great night. Met a male colleague of his who after the gig met up with this women from work who were also out, this colleague being one of them. I’m now tying myself in knots thinking if I HADNT been there what would have happened? I must add his two grown up sons were out with us too.

again, I’m sorry I to keep rambling on……. I’m just texting exactly what’s in my head and it feels good getting it out!

I don’t want to feel resentful when he gets home later but I feel it so trying to get these emotions out!

It was him saying ‘come back all is forgiven’ ie he was back working with regular mate. She’s answered ‘is he doing your head in?’
He's jokingly suggesting that if he ever thought she was a pain to work with, this man is much worse. It's just standard workplace chat, whinging about his workmate. But you know this?

if I HADNT been there what would have happened?
Maybe your dp would have French-kissed her in front of his workmates and two sons. Maybe he'd have gone off after the gig and slept with her, then sneaked back in the early hours and you wouldn't have known. Maybe he does that every night; why wait for a gig to do it, right? Maybe in the office. Maybe when he pops out to the shops. Maybe also with his male colleagues.

I'm assuming you don't live together? You need to get this sorted, OP.

Your two brain cells are the two parts of you: the adult and the child. Your sensible adult part is trying to shut up the tantrum in the child.

What's a good way to stop a tantrum in a child?