Am I being paranoid

[Headspin1234]

So I just need some advice. I have trust issues, been cheated on horrendously in the past. Been with partner a year.

I don’t trust him. He’s not done anything major to make me feel this way, In fact he reassures me. When we first starting dating he was still in touch with an ‘old friend’ which I saw a message from, I stupidly snooped, there was nothing untoward since we had started dating just friendly chat but he didn’t tell me about her which made me distrust him. I know it was bad of me to snoop!!!

he’s since cut contact with her. He’s now working with a woman, I know they’ve added each other on instagram (but he has a few other female colleagues on there too!). They
message each other on WhatsApp and I’ve resisted the temptation to snoop but been sat next to him when he’s messaged her, it all seems friendly chat. Thing is, she’s not his regular work mate, he’s off sick. He’s been with her for a few months. I feel unsettled about it. I don’t feel I can bring the subject up as I don’t want to feel foolish if it’s all innocent! So last week he told me she was on annual leave this week. He’s just rang me and said she’s cancelled her leave up work with him as the boss had rang her yesterday asking her to? Am I being silly thinking something may be going on? He tells me he loves me daily, we’ve just moved in together, to my house, he’s going thru a divorce and his house sale is going through.

he doesn’t stay late at work, doesn’t really socialise other than the odd drink after work once in a blue moon and there are always a few there?

it just makes me feel uncomfortable?

I think you need to talk to him honestly about your insecurities, the triggers, how it's still very much an active part of your emotional life. Don't make it a specific convo about this woman. If he can empathise with you, that might go a long way to you feeling safe and trusting.

Don't worry yourself out of a relationship which could be worthwhile

I think the crux of it all is I don’t trust him. I desperately want to. As I’ve said I’ve been lied to and cheated on for most of my life, going back to childhood I had and still have a strained relationship with my mother, she has let me down so much when she should be the one I can turn to. But I can’t. A lot of people maybe don’t ours be able to contain these feelings and shrug them off as, yes she’s just a work colleague, or the old friend scenario as nothing. I just feel constantly on hyper alert waiting for the inevitable to happen. My partner has made it clear he wants to be with me for life, we are both 50 so not in our teens!!

he tells me he loves me, he has demonstrated it by moving in with me, his children are involved too and I have a great relationship with them. Why would all this be happening if he was wanting a bit on the side, from a colleague or an historical ancient friend? I keep trying to reassure myself this,

How did his marriage end? How long ago? Were you the OW? A man with kids who has yet to finalize his divorce but is now living with someone else is a huge red flag to me. I would be more worried that he had jumped from one relationship to another, is rebounding and may feel differently once the dust has settled. I would be more concerned he might decide he has rushed into things and want out.

I don't think any of his interactions with his female friend/coworker sounds dodgy. I think you need to make peace with it, accept it's how you feel and work on managing those feelings.

@Runningonjammiedodgers his marriage ended when his wife had an affair 2 1/2 years ago. Divorce proceedings weren’t started until last year. I certainly wasn’t the OW, I did know him prior to being with him but he’d been separated a year before we got together.

Maybe you are just overthinking it.

In my previous job I would regularly chop and change holiday if I had no plans. My boss was very flexible and I often got additional ‘holiday’. Any time off I needed wasn’t queried. It was give and take. I did it for that reason, certainly not for my colleagues.

This is a you problem.
You say you don't want to come across as controlling but you do want to control all his contact with every female that crosses his path.

He sounds cool.

He deleted an old friend to keep you happy.

He has a female colleague , so what? She gave up a bit of leave to cover, she might have got X2 days for every one off and have a great deal from the boss for that.

You want too much out of someone OP.

You past relationships are not his mistakes.

Stop obsessing what is going on his phone and just look at the real life actions that are happening.

He will leave eventually because your whole relationship will be reassuring you that he is doing nothing wrong and that will get tiresome real quick.

Not all men are bastards you know.
Even if other women do fancy him he can politely decline.
Do you think he is so dumb to just stick his knob in whatever is offered? Because that is what you think of him. Why do you want to be with someone what can be so manipulated so easily?

@Abc12389 thank you I maybe am overthinking it. I have male colleagues whom I message. this colleague is a single mum only 9 years younger than my partner. She’s really pretty. I can’t help feeling suspicious.

@SleepyRooster i brought the subject up last night and never mentioned the colleague. I told him I’m insecure, which he knows, I told him my fears about him cheating on me. He reassured me he wouldn’t do that, said he’s never cheated on anyone before, which from what I know is true. He said he wants his life with ME, what a great future we have, how excited he is about plans we have etc. that in itself surely should make me feel more secure but it doesn’t?

@frozendaisy i need to hear this! I know all men aren’t bastards, however the ones I have gave been. I don’t have much self esteem either which again is MY issue.

A lot of people maybe don’t ours be able to contain these feelings and shrug them off as, yes she’s just a work colleague, or the old friend scenario as nothing.
Having been cheated on myself, I wouldn't shrug it off. I'd file it away for future reference! But I wouldn't obsess over it either. My approach to "reassure" myself is to remind myself that if my dp was cheating, I could leave at a moment's notice and would be perfectly fine on my own. This avoidant attitude is no healthier an approach than yours, mind! I was just listening to someone yesterday describing how your approach and mine are the two possible manifestations of an anxious attachment style, caused as you say by a childhood feeling that you can't rely on your parent(s) in some way.

I don’t want to come across as controlling

This displays clearly that your relationship is not healthy. It's not the 'controlling' bit, it's the 'I don't want to come across as' bit.

It's almost like you're still trying to make a good impression on him. If you're concerning yourself about how you 'come across', then he doesn't know the real you, does he? He knows what you choose to 'come across' as; the 'filtered' you; the 'you' that you choose to show because you think it's the acceptable/worthy part of you.

Self acceptance would allow you to show all of yourself to him. If he loves you, he'll appreciate being shown those parts, even if they're not the easiest parts to deal with.

It can't really be love until you know each other properly. You can't let him know you properly until you learn that all the parts of you are acceptable, and they have to be acceptable to you before they can be acceptable to anybody else. This is where all the anxiety is coming from: 'What if he sees the real me and doesn't like me??', and that all wraps up with 'What if he's seeing someone else because I'm not making him happy??'

Being controlling isn't about what you feel. Being controlling is about what you do. Try to make this distinction. All of your feelings are allowed and acceptable. You are allowed to feel like you want to look at his phone. You are allowed to feel that you can't trust him. But there are different ways of dealing with those feelings. You can talk to him, which is a healthy behaviour. You can look into different ways of getting help to deal with your anxiety, which is healthy behaviour. You can try to shut your feelings down, which is unhealthy behaviour. You can try to control his actions, which is an unhealthy behaviour.

Your feelings are fine. They may be to do with what he's doing, they may be to do with your history. You need to be able to find a healthy way to deal with them, either way. But the advice here on the thread that 'He's obviously nice, so stop feeling what you're feeling' is useless. We can't decide what to feel. The world would be a very different place if we could. We have to live our lives with respect to our feelings, rather than trying to mould our feelings to fit a life we feel we 'should' be leading. There are no shoulds. There is no authority (other than the law) to make your life a shape other than the shape you like. Make yourself happy.

he tells me he loves me, he has demonstrated it by moving in with me, his children are involved too and I have a great relationship with them.

None of these things guarantee he will not want a bit on the side. You can't do anything in this relationship, or any other that may come along to guarantee that. It's not something you can control.

I just feel constantly on hyper alert waiting for the inevitable to happen

This is no way to live, can you afford to get stuck in with a therapist and work this out? There is nothing he can do to change the way you feel, this is an inside job. No amount of reassurance from him will ever be enough for you. He has also been cheated on, very recently, remember that. He's not the enemy.

No amount of reassurance from him will ever be enough for you

Well, the right amount of reassurance would, so this comment is nonsense. OP needs to get into the right place, of course, but at some point, if it's a good relationship, his reassurance will absolutely do the trick. Making blanket statements about what 'will never work' isn't helpful.

@Watchkeys I'm not sure about that. But thankyou.

You don't have to be. I'm here to advise OP, not you.

But thank you.

@Watchkeys you were referring to OP in the third person. Let's not get petty.

I don't think we are disagreeing in essence. I didn't say that reassurance would "never work" you misquoted me, not that it matters. More that without work on her own beliefs that infidenitly is a given and is only a matter of time, and her anxiety, no amount of external motivation or reassurance is likely to fix OP's issue.

The onus shouldn't be on the partner to change his behaviour and constantly prove that he's not looking elsewhere. It's not OPs fault that she's feeling this way, but it is her responsibility not her DPs to address.

No amount of reassurance from him will ever be enough for you

and

I didn't say that reassurance would "never work

That's not misquoting, it's quoting. I'm sure you can see how I got confused.

Let's not get petty

Let's try not to get patronising as well.

Well @Watchkeys thanks for bringing the one true way.

I bet you're a hoot at a party.

@GoldDuster

No problems at parties so far, thanks.

Sorry for the petty and patronising derail, OP.

He's 50. He really should be grown up enough not to muck about with a relatively new relationship, especially after having been previously divorced. It's a shame you don't trust him, and there is likely some work you can both do on improving communication to help make the relationship more secure. Trust is fundamental, and both sides can work towards bolstering that in the relationship. Both must be prepared to be transparent and flexible in discussing this.

That said, you are anxiously attached and need to spend some time in therapy working yourself out.

when we first starting dating he told me about a female friend from years ago, who he’d been in touch with and she’d gone quiet on him when he’d told her he was dating me. They share a history from years ago, he’s 50 now and I think they knew each other as teens/young adults. She always posts on social media on birthdays etc, likes/love heart emoji on all his posts which are very limited as he hardly posts. He’d never said they’d reconnected as such, and because of my stupid snooping I’d found out he was still in touch with her

So he never lied to you! And here you are on social media calling him a liar to any stranger who reads it, making out he is deceitful so you dont look as bat shit for sneeking through the phone of someone you have only just started dating without any justifiable reason. So in reality it is you who have been deceitful, and sneeky, not him.

there was nothing untoward since we had started dating just friendly chat but he didn’t tell me about her which made me distrust him

HE DOES NOT HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT EVERY PERSON HE SPEAKS TO OR EVERY CONVERSATION HE HAS EVER HAD OR WILL HAVE IN THE FUTURE. But THIS...

maybe am overthinking it. I have male colleagues whom I message

And...

I don’t want to come across as controlling

You know you are being controlling and manipulative and hypocritical. You deman he stops speaking to a female because it makes you feel insecure but you talk to males whenever you want and I assume without fear of persecution.

What a shame he had to lose an old friend going back decades because of your own issues. Surely you can understand how utterly selfish that is?

I am obviously commenting from the perspective of your DP. I was in a controlling relationship for over a decade with someone just like you. Omg the endless accusations, restrictions, arguments, having to justify why i took an extra 30 seconds coming back from the shop.

Those who have commented saying you should tell him your insecurities... Don't.

Totally agree with @GoldDuster

The onus shouldn't be on the partner to change his behaviour and constantly prove that he's not looking elsewhere. It's not OPs fault that she's feeling this way, but it is her responsibility not her DPs to address

Advising the OP to tell her DP whenever she feels insecure will only serve to torment her poor DP. There are no words or actions this guy can say or do to help OP. She has already admitted that and I have first hand experience of the damage it will cause her DP. She will feel like she has a right to put all her shite onto him and he already has started to modify his behaviour to pacify her.

It's been over 10 years since I got out and I have permanent damage from the exhausting accusations and controlling behaviours which has affected relationships I've had since.

OP if you truly love him let him go so he can find someone who won't damage him and you need to seek long term intensive therapy. Clearly the last therapy you got didn't work so maybe try something else. You will wear him down to the point he has a knot in his stomach just opening the front door knowing you're on the other side with fresh accusations and insecurities and he's going to spend the rest of the night trying to justify every step, conversation and breathe he took that day before you stop and even ask how his day was.

@BuffyTheBuffetSlayer

So essentially 'It's all your fault, so you need to leave rather than talk to your partner', then?

Brilliant, wise advice, there.

Why is @Watchkeys being so aggressive with @GoldDuster ? We’re allowed to disagree with comments.

Well I’m going to disagree as well. The idea that the “right” relationships fixes insecurities is lunacy.

Why is @MarieRoseMarie questioning other's posts?

We are, indeed, allowed to disagree in whatever manner we please, and if we want to interpret aggression into other people's posts, that's our own business.

I was arguing upthread for not telling your partner every stupid thought that comes into your head, so I agree with you to some extent @BuffyTheBuffetSlayer. But at the same time, I think I might get what @Watchkeys is saying. I don't tell my dp every time I think "I could just leave now!" because it would do him no good at all to hear my avoidant nonsense. But we have talked about our pasts and what makes us tick. He knows that I hate feeling dependent on anyone, so my instinct is to withdraw. But he knows that I'm working on it myself and I won't make it his problem. And I don't present it as "poor me", or see him as superior - he has his own flaws!
I think you can open up about private issues carefully, in a manner that doesn't hurt the other person. And I think it would feel rather like I was shamefully hiding something, if I didn't say anything at all.

@Watchkeys has a point of view, lengthily expressed, and if they think my comment is nonsense, and not helpful, absolutely their perogative, not going to argue.

I don't think they were agressive, maybe just a bit intense for a Wednesday morning, but reading the room isn't always easy.