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Original poster

Pregnant and my partner wants to go back to his country

125 replies

Bunny44 · 14/02/2023 12:29

Sorry for the long post: I met my partner while on holiday. He's from from another continent but I speak his language. After a long distance relationship, where I went to visit him several times and I met his family, we agreed he would come to the UK to live for a while to see how things went here. On my last visit to see him, just before we came to the UK I discovered he had cheated on me with his ex before I came out to see him. He essentially left this girl in the first place to be with me - he said she was very controlling, jealous and didn't want more children (as she already had some from a previous relationship), whereas he did. We almost ended the relationship as a result, but after a long discussion I agreed to let him come still as he said it was a one off thing, he regretted it and he was very sorry for hurting me. I thought perhaps I shouldn't focus on it as we were doing long distance at the time and he'd be a long way from her once he moved with me.

Anyway, we arrive in the UK in winter (he's from a hot country), it's freezing, it's dark and he doesn't speak the language and he's instantly homesick and miserable. One week later, I find out I'm pregnant. We both felt happy as we really want children, but he soon tells me he feels overwhelmed as he's not sure about living in the UK or how the relationship is going given the cultural differences. It also came out later that he still has feelings for his ex, and I've caught him on the phone to her several times, which I've told him is really disrespectful, even if things don't work between us. I also feel really sad as I do want children, but I wanted to be in a secure relationship and don't want to do it on my own. I should note that I was already pregnant when I found out about the cheating and before he came to the UK.

I'm almost 35, and have wanted children for ages - I felt so overwhelmed that I thought about having an abortion despite this, but I don't think I can go ahead with it as I know I'd regret it. I have a very good job and my own house so financially, even if it's hard, I think I can make it work through careful saving. However, I have little family support since my mum has a long term illness and my family lives several hours away anyway. He is saying he definitely wants to go home now - he said he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, and will support any way he can, but I don't see what he can do from so far away.

I feel really upset he doesn't want to try and make it work and annoyed he wasn't more honest with me about his feelings for his ex, but also I feel stupid for not giving it more time before taking risks. I feel a lot of shame about the idea of being a single mum as it's not common in my circles. I have fantastic friends, many of whom already have children and are very supportive. However, I'm struggling now to stop feeling vulnerable, sad and ressentful for him leaving me to deal with this alone. Many of my friends had awful births and the first few months with their newborns were terrible and I'm horrified about the thought of having to go through all of that alone. Is all as bad as I think it will be?

OP posts:
LaLaLouella · 14/02/2023 14:01

It's not all as bad as you think it is. If you want a baby then have the baby, you will find a way to make it work as a single parent.

Don't waste your time trying to make this man into a husband and father when he's already trying to escape - focus your energies on you and your baby.

NicholJO · 14/02/2023 17:39

Op I have 7 children 5 left home all grown up 8 year old and 3 year old at home I did it and still do on my own my older children don't help me I help them as they have little sweethearts of there own honestly please believe me it can be a little hard but its so rewarding you will have ups and downs please don't destroy your happiness for a loser that wants to go back home he will miss out on all the beautiful moments with your baby

discobrain · 14/02/2023 17:46

You deserve better than this pathetic cheating excuse of a man.

Do not leave this country whilst you are pregnant. Have your baby here and get rid of the man. Your baby also deserves better than this.

workshy46 · 14/02/2023 17:47

I would have an abortion personally otherwise you will be a single mother with all that entails. . You are still young enough to meet someone and have a child with them in a supportive relationship
It would be different if you were 40+ and it was last chance saloon to have a child

ShellsOnTheBeach · 14/02/2023 17:48

Stay put.

Moving to his country WILL end in tears. Your tears.

Don't do it.

Coffeellama · 14/02/2023 17:51

There’s nothing wrong with being a single mum. I’d just let him go and forget all about him. My worry would be if he wanted contact, and tried to take the child back with him to his country? If you have the baby I’d really advise not putting him on the birth certificate, so hopefully he’s gone before you give birth. It’s a very personal decision, you just need to put him to one side and think about wether or not you want to do it on your own.

MaverickGooseGoose · 14/02/2023 17:51

Stay here for gods sake, have the baby. You would be mad to leave.

Can you say the country? Could he meet our child there against your wishes? Will you be able to travel back without him with your child?

xJoy · 14/02/2023 17:51

Stay where you are. Have the baby in your country. One child is do-able ykwim. You can do this single even it is not easy. Do not go back to his country, have the baby in his country, try take it work and when you realise you are pushing water uphill realise you cannot remove the young child from its "habitual domicile".
Trust me on this one. Give the baby your surname too.

Runnerduck34 · 14/02/2023 18:02

I'm sorry OP, of course you feel vulnerable and sad, but be kind to yourself.
You deserve better than this man who cheated on you. Of course he is unhappy in a country where he doesn't speak.the language and is isolated.
Do not move to his country- that will make you vulnerable and isolated and may have serious implications if you want to move back to this country with your baby. This man isn't committed to you, let him go.
If you want the baby then keep.it, you will make it work, you have housing and a good job, supportive friends, you've a lot on your side.
concentrate on yourself and new baby, give baby your surname.
Congratulations on your pregnancy

AlwaysLatte · 14/02/2023 18:06

Have your baby here, ditch him. It's all written in your own post.

thepatronsaintofbubblewrap · 14/02/2023 18:08

He sounds like a top class cunt.

Pinkbonbon · 14/02/2023 18:09

Yes its that bad. Probably worse. I'm sure lots of women will tell you it's not because that's what we're socialised to do. To downplay hardship and burdens and look for the silver linings.

You feel vulnerable because you are. There's no shame in recognising that and choosing the safest, most emotionally healthy path out. I'd think very seriously about aborting.

But either way, let him go. He's not, unfortunately, a keeper.

Newyorkcity123 · 14/02/2023 18:10

Do not go to his country. I don’t know which country it is, but in some countries it could be extremely difficult to leave again with a child especially if the child is born there. Some countries father’s rights may be more than yours if you’re the “foreigner”. Having a baby and raising a child is very hard work. It’ll be all the harder with a father who doesn’t want a relationship/isn’t around day-to-day. You’ll have to do every feed, every nappy, every sleep or night, every vomiting bug, tantrum, the teen years etc with little to no support. Be sure if you continue with the pregnancy you really are able to manage it all alone. Many women do, but is that what you want? Good luck whatever you decide.

Sugargliderwombat · 14/02/2023 18:33

You need to stay here and have the baby. If you go you won't be able to come back with the baby. My friend couldn't even leave Scotland after moving there for a month with her military husband.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 14/02/2023 21:05

Coffeellama · 14/02/2023 17:51

There’s nothing wrong with being a single mum. I’d just let him go and forget all about him. My worry would be if he wanted contact, and tried to take the child back with him to his country? If you have the baby I’d really advise not putting him on the birth certificate, so hopefully he’s gone before you give birth. It’s a very personal decision, you just need to put him to one side and think about wether or not you want to do it on your own.

Sorry I should have made it clearer that I'm not considering going back with my partner to his country. I may have considered it if the relationship was much stronger but, even then, only then for a short time after the baby was born.

I have my house and job here as well as access to healthcare. He is from a much poorer country and jobs are unstable. Even he thinks his child is better off being raised by me here - he has much more confidence that I do about me raising the child on my own because it's so common in his country. He said he wants to support and will still try and send what little money he can and be in touch frequently. I met a lot of his relatives (who are very lovely) when I went over there and the younger ones kept telling me how they wanted to come here and he's offered to organise for some of them to come over when I go back to work to essentially work for me as an au pair - he said they would jump at the chance (which I believe) and it'd be a lot cheaper option than nursery. I quite like that idea not only for the support, but also the company. It's just an idea for now though.

I may consider going to visit in the future, but that said I am concerned that if the relationship wasn't amicable, he may try and stop me from leaving so I will investigate not including his name on the birth certificate etc. This is only a mild concern, but better to be safe than sorry.

Right now it's more the situation of having to go through being pregnant, birth and being a mum on my own, when it's something I thought I would do with my partner. It feels extra sad being pregnant and somewhat heartbroken, especially when I know now he had feelings for his ex all along. I gave him ample chances to tell me of any doubts etc and he chose not to. I think he's been a pretty terrible partner and he seems to know that too from what he's said to me. He's currently still at mine and I suggested he finish his English classes and come to the first scan in a few weeks and then go home but I do have moments where I just want him to go now.

OP posts:
Justmeandthedog1 · 14/02/2023 21:15

You’re better off as an independent single mum than a mum with a weak partner who’s contacting his ex and doesn’t seem bothered about seeing you or his child in the future.
Honestly, once your baby is here you’ll run with it, make mum friends who’ll be supportive and find your own way. I’d let him go and block him.
Always be aware if you take your baby to his country it can be difficult to leave with him/her. Family pressure and pride can make families go to court for custody orders, I’ve seen it a few times.

Azerothi · 14/02/2023 21:23

You don't need to investigate not putting your boyfriend's name on the birth certificate, just don't do it. Whatever you do, have the same name as your baby.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/02/2023 21:28

I wouldn't go near his country with your baby. It might be difficult or impossible to leave with the baby. I think you are liked by his family as you have a good standard of living I'm afraid. In their heads you can support them.

How far along is the pregnancy?

Codlingmoths · 14/02/2023 21:33

Of course you resent him he’s a pathetic selfish grade A dickwad and you should tell him. Tell him that if he can’t support the woman he lied to and cheated on through the first few months of having his baby he doesn’t deserve children and you hope for the children’s sake that he never has any more. Tell him you’ll believe he will send money when you see it as he’s lied to you all the way. Tell him
contact will be on your terms as you will be a single mother trying to do the best she can and you will have no time to pander to pathetic tossers who want to give themselves a Pat on the back for ‘I messaged my child today, I’m a good dad’. Tell him if he sends any relatives without your saying go ahead and them signing an Au pair contract that you won’t let them in the door and if you do and decide you don’t trust them with your baby or they are just using your house for accomodation then you will kick them straight out again.

Ilovemycatalot · 14/02/2023 21:44

I wouldn’t have his family over to au pair they are just using you and might feed back stuff to him basically I wouldn’t trust him or his family. I had similar baby with a man from a different country and depending on the country he’s from ( you don’t have to say) the families can be very manipulative nice to your face but bitch and plot about you behind your back. Not going to lie it’s hard being a single parent I was basically one from my daughters birth with no real help from her dad but I don’t regret a thing .

drpet49 · 14/02/2023 21:47

You’ll be a single mother. He’ll probably go back to his country and won’t pay child maintenance.

LIZS · 14/02/2023 21:51

Sounds as if he is still in a relationship with his ex. Let him go and be wary about conferring any paternal rights.

MichelleScarn · 14/02/2023 21:52

Ilovemycatalot · 14/02/2023 21:44

I wouldn’t have his family over to au pair they are just using you and might feed back stuff to him basically I wouldn’t trust him or his family. I had similar baby with a man from a different country and depending on the country he’s from ( you don’t have to say) the families can be very manipulative nice to your face but bitch and plot about you behind your back. Not going to lie it’s hard being a single parent I was basically one from my daughters birth with no real help from her dad but I don’t regret a thing .

Sadly agree, and would you not have to sponsor a visa for them possibly? Could you ask them to leave your home if you didn't get on?

Bertha21 · 14/02/2023 21:55

It’s your choice you need to consider what you want. I know single mums have done it alone since day 1. Yes it’s tiring but worth it. I personally would let him go and keep the baby.

Sunriseinwonderland · 14/02/2023 22:00

I'm going to be harsh sorry but are you stupid?
If you have your baby in his country he will take the baby from you if you ever decide to leave. He will get custody if the baby has citizenship of that country. It happens all the time.
And you don't leave your country to go abroad with a serial cheater.
Bring this baby up on your own here.
My mother was trapped with an abusive man abroad her whole life because she wasn't allowed to bring his kids back to the uK. Her life was hell.
At 35 I would expect someone to have some common sense.