Pregnant and my partner wants to go back to his country

[Bunny44]

Sorry for the long post: I met my partner while on holiday. He's from from another continent but I speak his language. After a long distance relationship, where I went to visit him several times and I met his family, we agreed he would come to the UK to live for a while to see how things went here. On my last visit to see him, just before we came to the UK I discovered he had cheated on me with his ex before I came out to see him. He essentially left this girl in the first place to be with me - he said she was very controlling, jealous and didn't want more children (as she already had some from a previous relationship), whereas he did. We almost ended the relationship as a result, but after a long discussion I agreed to let him come still as he said it was a one off thing, he regretted it and he was very sorry for hurting me. I thought perhaps I shouldn't focus on it as we were doing long distance at the time and he'd be a long way from her once he moved with me.

Anyway, we arrive in the UK in winter (he's from a hot country), it's freezing, it's dark and he doesn't speak the language and he's instantly homesick and miserable. One week later, I find out I'm pregnant. We both felt happy as we really want children, but he soon tells me he feels overwhelmed as he's not sure about living in the UK or how the relationship is going given the cultural differences. It also came out later that he still has feelings for his ex, and I've caught him on the phone to her several times, which I've told him is really disrespectful, even if things don't work between us. I also feel really sad as I do want children, but I wanted to be in a secure relationship and don't want to do it on my own. I should note that I was already pregnant when I found out about the cheating and before he came to the UK.

I'm almost 35, and have wanted children for ages - I felt so overwhelmed that I thought about having an abortion despite this, but I don't think I can go ahead with it as I know I'd regret it. I have a very good job and my own house so financially, even if it's hard, I think I can make it work through careful saving. However, I have little family support since my mum has a long term illness and my family lives several hours away anyway. He is saying he definitely wants to go home now - he said he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, and will support any way he can, but I don't see what he can do from so far away.

I feel really upset he doesn't want to try and make it work and annoyed he wasn't more honest with me about his feelings for his ex, but also I feel stupid for not giving it more time before taking risks. I feel a lot of shame about the idea of being a single mum as it's not common in my circles. I have fantastic friends, many of whom already have children and are very supportive. However, I'm struggling now to stop feeling vulnerable, sad and ressentful for him leaving me to deal with this alone. Many of my friends had awful births and the first few months with their newborns were terrible and I'm horrified about the thought of having to go through all of that alone. Is all as bad as I think it will be?

Geez way to make someone feel worse.

You'll make it work as a single parent, it'll be hard but worth it over having an abortion and wondering what if. Also it may be your last chance, you never know. Imagine never having kids and looking back at this abortion with regret.

Also if you have a "very high" salary you'll be able to afford childcare so will still be able to have some free time if you want it. Who knows you may even meet someone else who will be happy to help you raise the baby and be a great stepdad. Don't always assume the worst like some people are on here!

Thank you @wingingitandsoaring . I definitely have moments where I'm envisaging the worst case scenario and others where I feel optimistic so it's nice to have some encouragement.

I'm a high earner, but also pay a high amount of tax - and there's no tax breaks or help just because you're a single parent - unfortunately I'm not in the offshore account bracket :-). However this still puts me in a strong position to support myself as a single parent, which acknowledging that there are still risks.

I've done a budget and, with 16 weeks maternity leave from my company and savings I can afford to take 6 months off and still have savings. Nursery fees are so expensive so this will squeeze me and mean I can't save anything once the baby is here so I need to save now and be prepared. I've also started Air B&Bing my home when I'm away to make some extra money as well.

I do also hope I will meet someone nice and much more suitable in the future. Despite what it may have seemed, I wasn't desperate when I met this guy, I have no trouble meeting men and have dated some really nice people in the past. Just bad planning and choices on my side which I've ended up pregnant by this bad egg. I think leading with my heart and not my head is something which will have to change.

I'm wondering from the single mums out there, does your baby remind you of your ex and does that cause any conflicted feelings?

he's offered to organise for some of them to come over when I go back to work to essentially work for me as an au pair

Um, that could be interpreted as trafficking now he has an 'in'.

You'll be fine as a truly single parent.

This.

I think there is a lot he's not telling you. He certainly doesn't want the responsibility, financial or otherwise, of a child with you.

He will go home and you'll not hear from him again.

I think he's taken you for a ride from day one and has been scamming you. Possibly for finances. Possibly for a visa.

He sounds like he said all the things you wanted to hear until you became pregnant. And you were blinded by it. The fact he's calling his ex is dubious too.

Everything about it smells off.

I'm sorry. I hope you do the right thing for you. And don't set foot in his home country again.

'Visiting to help' UNPAID.

It could still leave you in a difficult legal position where you've had them here doing work (childcare) for no money (slavery). At the end of six months, what happens? Do they stay whether you like it or not - including the possibility of just disappearing or going to another 'friend' (trafficking).

These would be women who are financially vulnerable if they are unable to earn money for themselves for six months. Equally you have no idea if you would get on with them enough to live with them (and do you trust them not to steal from you in some way, given this financial vulnerability). And how exactly do you know they won't just try to take your child back to their home country if it suits them?

Or to then blackmail you in someway (by threatening to accuse you of slavery for example).

You are opening yourself up to a range of possibilities.

Another poster suggested you are naive. Nothing you are saying, adds up to anything other than that.

Wise up. You are vulnerable to exploitation and it looks a lot like you are potentially already being stitched up.

None of this sounds like a good idea.

How do you know for sure he doesn't already have children?

Sounds to me like he could have been working from a script.

I feel like a lot of people are jumping to conclusions. I should mention these are people that I met and spent considerable time with, such as his sister, who is a very lovely, gentle person, and neither he nor I would want to exploit, nor traffic. She has also raised her own child who is now grown up. They are not random people who I don't know and he's not close to. And they would be invited to help as capacity of relatives who would also like the opportunity to experience up to 6 months of living in the UK.

We would discuss it all in advance and make sure we were on the same page. If they decided at any point they didn't like it here or it wasn't working out, I would organise the travel back at any time. The relatives we discussed I consider as friends and would want the arrangment to be mutually welcome. I'm not considering it only financial reasons but also because I want my child to know the other culture and learn the language.

I have done au pair work myself and the family covered my travel, accommodation, any family activities, food and gave me a bit of money to get by. I would do at least that, plus offer to put them through English school. It's not slavery - I enjoyed it myself and was a great way to learn a foreign language.

I am not naive - obviously it's hard to give full context in a forum like this. I should also add that this suggestion was mine and not his and he's keen for his child to stay in the UK for many reasons. And at the moment it's just an idea floated and might not happen for multiple reasons.

He may have children he doesn't know about but if he does, it would have to be a secret from his extended family based on my conversations with them.

I'm his first girlfirend from abroad and he doesn't speak English, so it's not like he makes/can make a habit of this. If he was after financial exploitation, I would say, he's not very good at it.

I met a lot of his relatives (who are very lovely) when I went over there and the younger ones kept telling me how they wanted to come here and he's offered to organise for some of them to come over when I go back to work to essentially work for me as an au pair - he said they would jump at the chance (which I believe) and it'd be a lot cheaper option than nursery. I quite like that idea not only for the support, but also the company.

Sorry OP but this is a terrible idea. Please don't do this. They are NOT qualified childcare. They are only using you to get in to this country and you are better off away from him and his ties.

You are being naive and exploitative if you think its a good idea to get someone from another country to come to the uk and look after your child in this way...

... remember their loyalty will be to your ex first, not to you.

If you have the baby I’d really advise not putting him on the birth certificate

This is important, OP. You don’t want him claiming parental rights at any stage, either because he wants the child in his country or just to put pressure on you.

How many weeks are you OP?
I would try and speak to people in real life, your friends and family.
The baby will be a permanent life long reminder of your ex but in the grand scheme of things I don't think this will be your biggest problem.

THIS!
He’s clearly a cheater, and leopards ( or Cheetahs) don’t change their spots.
If this was a “Time’s running out” baby ( so soon Into a new relationship) keep the baby, ditch the waster.

Stay in the uk and raise your child. Don't put him on the birth certificate (you can't anyway if you're not married and he doesn't go to the appointment).
Then never never never let him take the child abroad or ever have chance to. There are so many cases where mums loses their kids because dad doesn't return them to the uk. It's easier if he's not on the birth certificate and child has your surname as he'd find it harder to travel with the child.
Sounds harsh but in the circumstances what you need to do.

I'm 9 weeks - I have spoken to quite a few friends already. I haven't spoken to my family as my mum is very ill and so I don't want to bother my parents until I know what I'm doing.

Do your friends encourage you to go it alone?

A point to consider is he may not contribute if you need that support and cms cannot access him in many countries. Where is he from? Which country is his ex in?

Unfortunately, he can just merrily zip off home and do as he chooses. I would base any decision on him being out of the picture. If he wants to go, I doubt anything you say will stop him. I can understand you’re disappointed but I can’t see him having a radical change of heart.

They're a mixed bag - I spoke to a few who have children already. One who just recently had a horrendous birth told me to have an abortion, some have said they think I'll be fine on my own knowing me and that they'll support, a few said it'll be hard but it's up to me.

Most of them are married, but some of their partners aren't actually that supportive - one of them has a job where they are out the country most of the time and she relies on his relatives funnily enough!

I haven't even had the first scan yet, so I might find it's not even viable and so all the worrying is for nothing! I am going to try and get a scan in the next 2 weeks - I have an NHS one in 4 weeks, but maybe the sooner the better.

I'm assuming no support from him. He's from South America, as is his ex. The average salary is around £400 - 500 a month in his country so not sure it's that helpful anyway.

I could force him to stay but then we'll both be miserable so no point in that! I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.

If you can afford a private scan which reading your posts you can then I would get one sooner rather than later. I think you are in a very very difficult situation. Ultimately only you can decide but my strongest feeling is you would be completely alone in this. Your friends offer support but it will most likely be emotional support and even then probably not the amount you will require especially if they have their own busy family life to tend to. So basically if you do this do it knowing you will be completely alone. I have three children but a husband. We have no family support. The people I have seen with children who don't struggle have hands on family support. Otherwise it is extremely hard work that you cannot begin to understand until you are in it. Not saying you can or can't do it alone. But if you do, do it knowing this!

How far along are you?

How can you force him? Ultimately, he can just hop on a plane and as you say, he needs to want to stay. Sounds like he isn’t ready to move to lovely cold Inglaterra en permanencia.