Pregnant and my partner wants to go back to his country

[Bunny44]

Sorry for the long post: I met my partner while on holiday. He's from from another continent but I speak his language. After a long distance relationship, where I went to visit him several times and I met his family, we agreed he would come to the UK to live for a while to see how things went here. On my last visit to see him, just before we came to the UK I discovered he had cheated on me with his ex before I came out to see him. He essentially left this girl in the first place to be with me - he said she was very controlling, jealous and didn't want more children (as she already had some from a previous relationship), whereas he did. We almost ended the relationship as a result, but after a long discussion I agreed to let him come still as he said it was a one off thing, he regretted it and he was very sorry for hurting me. I thought perhaps I shouldn't focus on it as we were doing long distance at the time and he'd be a long way from her once he moved with me.

Anyway, we arrive in the UK in winter (he's from a hot country), it's freezing, it's dark and he doesn't speak the language and he's instantly homesick and miserable. One week later, I find out I'm pregnant. We both felt happy as we really want children, but he soon tells me he feels overwhelmed as he's not sure about living in the UK or how the relationship is going given the cultural differences. It also came out later that he still has feelings for his ex, and I've caught him on the phone to her several times, which I've told him is really disrespectful, even if things don't work between us. I also feel really sad as I do want children, but I wanted to be in a secure relationship and don't want to do it on my own. I should note that I was already pregnant when I found out about the cheating and before he came to the UK.

I'm almost 35, and have wanted children for ages - I felt so overwhelmed that I thought about having an abortion despite this, but I don't think I can go ahead with it as I know I'd regret it. I have a very good job and my own house so financially, even if it's hard, I think I can make it work through careful saving. However, I have little family support since my mum has a long term illness and my family lives several hours away anyway. He is saying he definitely wants to go home now - he said he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, and will support any way he can, but I don't see what he can do from so far away.

I feel really upset he doesn't want to try and make it work and annoyed he wasn't more honest with me about his feelings for his ex, but also I feel stupid for not giving it more time before taking risks. I feel a lot of shame about the idea of being a single mum as it's not common in my circles. I have fantastic friends, many of whom already have children and are very supportive. However, I'm struggling now to stop feeling vulnerable, sad and ressentful for him leaving me to deal with this alone. Many of my friends had awful births and the first few months with their newborns were terrible and I'm horrified about the thought of having to go through all of that alone. Is all as bad as I think it will be?

Well he said he'd stay if I was insistant, but he said he wants to go home. I'm not going to insist though.

Sounds like you're in a good position financially etc to have this child on your own.

At 35, if you want children, probably best to have the baby.

Men come and go.

I think you’re naive about the future. You still have time to meet someone who is decent and would willingly have children with you and stick around to be their father. Good luck.

What have I said which sounds naive? That I think it'll be extremely hard? That he won't send me and money? That he's buggering off to be with his ex and will be out of the picture? As mentioned the thing about the relatives help was just an idea which was floated and is unlikely to actually happen.

I'm under no illusion that the situation is far from ideal and would be extremely hard, but then there are many single mothers out there in far worse circumstances and they seem to find a way to manage. To me, having a baby seems hard all round since all my friends have struggled in one way or another. I've had them crying on the phone to me at various times, at their whits end, so I know how hard it can be, even with support. Is there even ever an ideal scenario?

I should add I am not naive in general, so do not think it is helpful to throw that term around. I do have a lot of life experience and I am used to managing complex situations personally and professionally and I usually hold it together (just about). Aware this may push me over the edge but hopefully the good times will be worth it.

As mentioned I was unsure about the situation with him, I was suspicious about the ex and I did ask a lot of questions. Obviously I lacked judgement for taking risks with him and I'm paying for that now, but part of that was optimism rather than naivity coming into play.

I reckon you'll be more than OK! so long as you can stay employed and with one child that often possible (hope it's not twins!) you have a house, a job that pays OK by the sounds of it.

Those first 5 years til they start school will be tough, every holiday is used up on something boring! But you have some assets behind you already by the sounds of it and you're going to be ok. It's better to know where you are from the outset. I think women who leave a partner with a couple of kids are in a worse situation trying to make a new life fit around the old one.

OP, no need to be so belligerent. You’re the one left holding the baby. I’ll bow out now.

The relationship is over, that's clear. If you weren't pregnant it would be a simple he moved over, it didn't work out, he moved back. A common story. I would just let him go and see when the baby is born what contact you think is realistic. Same with the idea of having family members staying with you, Wait and see how you feel when the baby is born. You don't need to make any decisions about this right now.

If you have this baby, then you will be doing it as a single parent, but you aren't completely alone as you have your friends, and you have financial security so can buy help. Also, although you aren't too old yet, at 35 time is passing and you may find it harder to get pregnant later. Finally, from what you write here and from how you are thinking about the practicalities around this baby, it sounds to me like you would like to keep him/her.

I would be very wary of family visiting. He would need you to sponsor any residency visa beyond a limited period for him and possibly family too if they stayed. Presumably he is not working here. He could later try to claim a connection for residency via your dc, should his plans change. A clean break would be better for you.

I very much hope it's not twins or things will literally get doubly hard/impossible!

I did a lot of research around family visas when we started the relationship. From his country someone can visit up to 6 months for tourism purposes/visiting family without a visa - you just have to show a return ticket and they don't need sponsorship. It's actually really hard to claim residency based on having a child in the UK, even if we were married and I wanted him to stay we would have to prove he's the main provider, which he's not. And if he's not on the birth certificate it's probably impossible.

Also he can't wait to leave - he's incredibly homesick! He doesn't like the food, the weather, the culture (or the women apparently)! He said his family will say he's giving up a chance of a better life but he'd rather be poor but at home and happy.

Can you look at ways to buy in some help? Can you downsize/extend your mortgage term or switch to interest only to reduce payments in the short term?

I only have a one bed and I'm halfway through a 5 year fixed term so can't really downsize. But I got a 35 year mortgage so my fixed payments are quite manageable - only 20% of my income. I will stop my overpayments though in order to save more.

An update on my side. I've decided to definitely keep the baby. We had the first scan 2 days ago and everything is good. The thing I'm finding it hard to get my head around is that he is actually really excited to be a dad, but he's going to miss all of it and doesn't seem to mind?! He was so happy to see the scan and he's going to stay for the next one but then wants to go back after and there's no plan to come back again I don't think. I still feel really upset that he'll not be there for me and the child. Everyone seems to have their partner with them at the scans, antenatal classes and birth and it hurts me that he'll be absent from all of this. I have a really close relationship with my dad and I feel sad my child won't have this.

We actually get on very well most of the time and there is still a lot of chemistry between us, he treats me as his partner still so I know it's going to really hurt when he leaves.

Sometimes I also feel positive and empowered though and think I'll be fine and I've got this, and sometimes I think it'll be a relief when he's gone, but it's just so permanent given the long distance between us once he goes that this really hurts.

If he intends to leave it would be better for you to do so sooner rather than later. All the time he stays it prolongs your hopes and disappointment. If he can only stay six months would that not be up around then anyway.

Yes you're right- it was always going to be an issue but originally we talked about securing a longer term visa if he wanted to stay or come back for longer. I had spoken to a lawyer already about it.

Obviously this is off the table now though.

Your story struck me as it’s very similar, almost exact, to mine. I’m five years in now and I can give you some advise if you’d like it….
The relationship is over, if you want a baby and you’re already 35 (again same age I was ) realise this is already a gift, don’t believe people who say you have plenty of time, you don’t. It will be the hardest thing, and I also carry shame each day even though I have no logical reason to. Absolutely do not put his name on the birth certificate and don’t take the child to his country until they reach 18.
If you think you can manage all this you’ll be ok. And remember, some people do everything the respectable, sensible way and still wind up getting divorced, labelled single mothers and in very messy situations with the courts etc. No guarantees in any direction of life.

It's quite common for men to be thrilled that are passing on their genes but not care about the actual child.

I’m not sure if this is feasible but in the absence of other help, a short term stint from a maternity nurse would put you and the baby in a great routine and start you off on the right track. It will be the first few weeks that are tough on your own, new mums have a lot of anxiety and it’s especially tough if you are are used to being in control of your life! If finances allow it would be money well spent for your own peace of mind.
Wishing you loads of luck with the baby. You will be fine and as previous posters have said, being a single parent becomes increasingly more “normal” as children grow up, start school etc, the pregnancy and newborn stage make it feel a lot more pronounced but you sound very capable!

Absolutely! I did make a stern comment to him that being a dad did not just equate empregnating someone. He's been insistant that he will be thinking about this child all the time, but I expect thoughts alone are of little comfort to myself nor the child!

Thank you, I appreciate the suggestion and support!

My best friend is a breast feeding specialist and says she knows some antenatal groups targeting single mums in London, since there are a growing number of particularly older mums going it alone so this could be a good network, also for practical tips.

My other thought was to go to my parents house for the first few months depending on how my mum is doing. Although my mum is unwell she has been sad not to be part of my nephew's life (who is 18 months) as much as she would have liked because she can't make long car journies and my brother lives 3 hours away, so I think she'd appreciate having a grandchild in the house if she's not struggling to much. I also have friends with young children in the area who work part time, so could be good to have some company in the first few months from them.

But if it'd be too much burden on my parents then I think the maternity nurse is a great suggestion.

Just another update. I decided it was best if my partner/ex partner goes back home as soon as possible so he's got a flight booked next week. I think I just felt stressed about him being in the house, knowing he was going to leave later and he agreed to this, saying whatever was easiest for me.

Also I told my parents and they're actually super happy and supportive and have said I can come and stay with them and they'd like to help with the baby. My mum even said it was an incentive for her to try and get better. Obviously I'm still mindful of overburdening them when she still isn't well, but it was also quite a relief that they were so supportive, so all in all I'm feeling a lot more positive.

I know it's not going to be easy but at least I know that I have support.

Hey OP, I just wanted to tell you that I fell pregnant when I was 34, and I split up with my ex when I was six weeks pregnant. I was going to have a termination but couldn't bring myself to do it. I had a mortgage, a well-paid job and no support at all.

Then I found out I was having twins.

That was 13 years ago.

Having my DC was the BEST decision I ever made. And I tell you something, it was bloody WONDERFUL not having to worry about a partner and to just suit myself and my babies. Yes, it was hard at times but I think in other ways it was easier too. You sound like you have a great network of friends - my advice would be that try make sure you always have someone to go to the scans with you if possible, because sometimes that can feel a bit lonely seeing other partners there (although not all partners go!)

From what you've said you'll be fine. He can piss off, glad for your sake he's going sooner. 10000% do not put him on the birth certificate!! Or give the baby his surname. You have absolutely got this on your own and just huge congratulations!!

Oh by the way, I ended up getting together with a friend's brother who I'd known for years and we've been a couple for 12 years now. Having a baby doesn't mean you'll be single forever.

Would love to hear how you get on with your pregnancy!!! Happy times 😊

Read the OP's update.

@StalkedByASpider thank you for sharing your lovely story and for the advice! I'll definitely ask if someone can come with me to the appointments. My best friend is coming to my next scan.

Will definitely give some updates. I think I'll find it hard when he goes back this week but also some things will also be easier, like having my own space and being able to prioritise myself again.

Glad to hear everything worked out for you!

You're very welcome. I know when I was trying to make a decision about what to do, it would have been good to hear some genuine stories about things working out well. Once he has left and you have your pregnancy to focus on, he'll soon fade from your mind. You'll be so caught up in your baby, you won't care half as much as you think and gradually you'll barely give him a second thought.

I never, ever would have believed that things could have turned out like this and every day I count my blessings. My whole life changed so much on that one single decision, and it's like everything just fell into place. And I never knew that's what I had been waiting for - I wasn't a woman who was desperate to have DC. Things happen for a reason - I do believe that.

By the way, get someone who can commit to being your birth partner, someone you can rely on. My best friend was there and it was brilliant.

I have never regretted my decision, not even for a single second. I actually went self-employed after the babies were born as I realised I didn't want to go back to working long hours in the same job. My whole life is completely different now - I've been self-employed for 12 years+ and that's allowed me to pay the mortgage but also spend lots of wonderful time with my DC.

Once your partner/ex partner has gone, you can start to figure out what life will look like for you and your little one, and you can begin making plans. So excited for you!! Please do come back and post, I'll be looking out for your updates ❤️