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Original poster

Pregnant and my partner wants to go back to his country

125 replies

Bunny44 · 14/02/2023 12:29

Sorry for the long post: I met my partner while on holiday. He's from from another continent but I speak his language. After a long distance relationship, where I went to visit him several times and I met his family, we agreed he would come to the UK to live for a while to see how things went here. On my last visit to see him, just before we came to the UK I discovered he had cheated on me with his ex before I came out to see him. He essentially left this girl in the first place to be with me - he said she was very controlling, jealous and didn't want more children (as she already had some from a previous relationship), whereas he did. We almost ended the relationship as a result, but after a long discussion I agreed to let him come still as he said it was a one off thing, he regretted it and he was very sorry for hurting me. I thought perhaps I shouldn't focus on it as we were doing long distance at the time and he'd be a long way from her once he moved with me.

Anyway, we arrive in the UK in winter (he's from a hot country), it's freezing, it's dark and he doesn't speak the language and he's instantly homesick and miserable. One week later, I find out I'm pregnant. We both felt happy as we really want children, but he soon tells me he feels overwhelmed as he's not sure about living in the UK or how the relationship is going given the cultural differences. It also came out later that he still has feelings for his ex, and I've caught him on the phone to her several times, which I've told him is really disrespectful, even if things don't work between us. I also feel really sad as I do want children, but I wanted to be in a secure relationship and don't want to do it on my own. I should note that I was already pregnant when I found out about the cheating and before he came to the UK.

I'm almost 35, and have wanted children for ages - I felt so overwhelmed that I thought about having an abortion despite this, but I don't think I can go ahead with it as I know I'd regret it. I have a very good job and my own house so financially, even if it's hard, I think I can make it work through careful saving. However, I have little family support since my mum has a long term illness and my family lives several hours away anyway. He is saying he definitely wants to go home now - he said he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, and will support any way he can, but I don't see what he can do from so far away.

I feel really upset he doesn't want to try and make it work and annoyed he wasn't more honest with me about his feelings for his ex, but also I feel stupid for not giving it more time before taking risks. I feel a lot of shame about the idea of being a single mum as it's not common in my circles. I have fantastic friends, many of whom already have children and are very supportive. However, I'm struggling now to stop feeling vulnerable, sad and ressentful for him leaving me to deal with this alone. Many of my friends had awful births and the first few months with their newborns were terrible and I'm horrified about the thought of having to go through all of that alone. Is all as bad as I think it will be?

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 14/02/2023 22:04

Sunriseinwonderland · 14/02/2023 22:00

I'm going to be harsh sorry but are you stupid?
If you have your baby in his country he will take the baby from you if you ever decide to leave. He will get custody if the baby has citizenship of that country. It happens all the time.
And you don't leave your country to go abroad with a serial cheater.
Bring this baby up on your own here.
My mother was trapped with an abusive man abroad her whole life because she wasn't allowed to bring his kids back to the uK. Her life was hell.
At 35 I would expect someone to have some common sense.

She is not stupid, read her posts before called her names. She has no intension of going back to his country to have the baby.

Sweet89 · 14/02/2023 22:06

It sounds like he's tried using you for financial gain for him and his family but quickly realised that it isn't going to work, I don't believe he split with his ex, I bet they all planned to gain something from you. Let him go back

Iflyaway · 14/02/2023 22:25

Hi Op, I was in a similar situation to you (my son is an adult now). Met him abroad in his country - hot, "third-world" - and he hated it here. Cold climate and cold people, racism came into it too.

No other woman back home in the picture though.

Well, I always said "Better happy there than unhappy here", he went back, we are still in touch with the (wonderful) family.

My son is 31 now. It's not been easy being a solo mum but has been absolutely worth it. You need to have a good support system around you which hopefully your family will be but you meet loads of people at play-groups, primary school who you can form connections with. Your child's friendships will lead the way on this. Loads of single mothers around! We used to do sleep-overs so you could have a night out in turns, etc.

Oh, and I would advise against having a family member over as an au-pair. You'll need to support them, organise a working visa, all costs will be on you, they may be too young, not have a clue how stuff works in your country, I guess if your man does not speak the language, do they? They may go awol and you would still be responsible for them. It's just not worth it.
Better to look for local babysitters and what you save on visa costs, flights and 24/7 supporting someone financially to put all that money into savings for you and your child.

Anyway, I wish you all the best.

GettingItOutThere · 14/02/2023 22:38

Sunriseinwonderland · 14/02/2023 22:00

I'm going to be harsh sorry but are you stupid?
If you have your baby in his country he will take the baby from you if you ever decide to leave. He will get custody if the baby has citizenship of that country. It happens all the time.
And you don't leave your country to go abroad with a serial cheater.
Bring this baby up on your own here.
My mother was trapped with an abusive man abroad her whole life because she wasn't allowed to bring his kids back to the uK. Her life was hell.
At 35 I would expect someone to have some common sense.

this

let him go, like today. Tellhim to leave and never contact him again - also get this idea out of your head about asking his family over - are you mad!? So they come over, take your baby back to their country? Or let him have access without doing anything

you need to have an abortion or go it alone. If youhave the baby make sure baby has your surname and he isnt on the BC else he can and will take the baby back to his home country

sorry to be harsh but your 35 - start thinking about this child and yourself before this man

BillieJeanmm · 14/02/2023 22:58

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BaroldFromEastenders · 14/02/2023 23:06

exploiting his young relatives to help raise the baby instead of expecting its feckless dad to look after it is a great solution. You should definitely do that

Ooshie · 14/02/2023 23:08

If you have the baby please make sure it has your surname and the father is not on the birth certificate.

MrsMikeDrop · 14/02/2023 23:08

Leave him. Keep the baby if you really want to and raise it on your own

Can2022getanyworse · 14/02/2023 23:50

OP not only are you going to be a single parent, but you're going to be parenting ALONE and with zero financial support.

That is - no free time without the baby in tow (or expensive childcare) for every single thing you do for the next 12ish years. Pop to the shop? Got to get the baby ready. Hospital appointment? Got to find someone to look after the toddler. Smear test? Inquisitive pre-schooler asking a million questions behind the curtain. No break at all from the mental and financial load. That's going to be hard. REALLY really hard.

Please think long and hard about what you want your future to look and feel like.

And assuming it is some country with strange patriarchal family laws, don't go there. And yes I do include New Zealand in that list...

DeeCeeCherry · 15/02/2023 02:11

Well I suppose at least he's not aiming to marry you and reap the financial benefits of that. Including the house you own. You must have been wearing love goggles. She's not his ex, she's his partner and he wants to go home, and back to her.

BillieJeanmm
The country is always kept secret when it's some third world shithole with predatory slimy men that creep on tourists on holiday*

I'm from a beautiful country that you'd probably deem a 3rd world shithole. Full of tourist women dissillusioned with their lives, who blatantly prowl around local men knowing that their money will entice men who don't have much. So of course, are tempted. The men don't have to do the chasing especially if theyre fit and handsome, its there on a plate.

The women are equally sleazy, coming from a "first world" country doesn't change that. & despite their money and the lovely picture of what life will be like with them that they paint to these men, often the men just don't want to stay with them permanently.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/02/2023 08:53

Someone who is not the parent can't remove a baby from the UK. The child would also have to have a passport which I wasn't planning on getting when they are small.

Also they don't need a visa to visit the UK for up to 6 months from his country so I wouldn't have to sponsor them, they would just be visiting to help.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 15/02/2023 09:01

If you want the baby I would do it alone. Having his relatives in your house may just cause conflict and stress when you don't need it. What happens if they're not caring for your child well enough? Will they just leave if you kick them out? What happens if you get into another relationship?

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/02/2023 09:03

NerrSnerr · 15/02/2023 09:01

If you want the baby I would do it alone. Having his relatives in your house may just cause conflict and stress when you don't need it. What happens if they're not caring for your child well enough? Will they just leave if you kick them out? What happens if you get into another relationship?

Yes that's why it's only a floated option. He already told me he's fine if I have other relationships, even if I was pregnant. He's not the jealous/controlling type and anyway, he can't talk!

OP posts:
IneedanewTV · 15/02/2023 09:03

You sound so naive.

he used you for a better life;
the ex isn’t an ex and has never been;
do not have his relatives to stay - you will never get rid of them;

Im sorry but you are in your mid 30s - could you not see what he was doing.

good luck.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/02/2023 09:08

DeeCeeCherry · 15/02/2023 02:11

Well I suppose at least he's not aiming to marry you and reap the financial benefits of that. Including the house you own. You must have been wearing love goggles. She's not his ex, she's his partner and he wants to go home, and back to her.

BillieJeanmm
The country is always kept secret when it's some third world shithole with predatory slimy men that creep on tourists on holiday*

I'm from a beautiful country that you'd probably deem a 3rd world shithole. Full of tourist women dissillusioned with their lives, who blatantly prowl around local men knowing that their money will entice men who don't have much. So of course, are tempted. The men don't have to do the chasing especially if theyre fit and handsome, its there on a plate.

The women are equally sleazy, coming from a "first world" country doesn't change that. & despite their money and the lovely picture of what life will be like with them that they paint to these men, often the men just don't want to stay with them permanently.

Neither of us were 'prowling' for each other. I actually played down my job and assets before we got to know each other better. On his end he doesn't seem majorly financially motivated although he was interested to come to Europe out of curiosity. He would have preferred me to be the house wife type - which is one of the reasons he's missing his ex, because I'm not and she is.

OP posts:
CatSpeakForDummies · 15/02/2023 09:17

Being a single mother isn't common in your current circles but when you have a baby you make all kinds of new circles. Even my antenatal group introduced me to set ups I thought were more unusual than they really are (huge age gap, accidental one night stand trying to make it work and a sperm donor conceived single parent). At that point, I couldn't imagine any of my peers in these situations, now they are my peers. Since my kids have grown older, there have been all kinds of changes and set ups.

You will find your tribe and support each other, but it will be easier if you are clear about the situation with him.

Good luck!

Guavafish1 · 15/02/2023 09:18

It will be hard but its not impossible.

Agree with all comments.. get rid of the loser and don't move. Start saving money for child care support.

Ceryneianhind · 15/02/2023 09:25

I'm almost 35, and have wanted children for ages - I felt so overwhelmed that I thought about having an abortion despite this, but I don't think I can go ahead with it as I know I'd regret it.

So, you are having this baby - you have to make some tought choices now. He is not your boyfriend he is a liar.

Do you think he will pay maintenance (I dont)

Is the country he is from a Hague convention one? (in case he takes the child to his home country)

Will he be on the bc? If he is, then he would most like be able to get a passport for the child and then travel with them

Will you give the child your surname? (yes you should)

Paq · 15/02/2023 09:37

I'm probably going against the grain but if I were you I'd think very hard about continuing with the pregnancy. It's really hard to support yourself as a single parent, the physical, emotional and financial pressures are immense. Any health problems or disabilities could sink you, especially if you don't have any financial support.

Everything is possible but that doesn't mean it won't be very, very hard.

A baby will tie you to this loser for 18+ years. You have no idea what complications this will bring.

You are 34, you have a bit of time to get what you want, a family with a present and supportive partner.

MavisFlump · 15/02/2023 09:38

He already told me he's fine if I have other relationships, even if I was pregnant. He's not the jealous/controlling type and anyway, he can't talk
Christ he sounds utterly sickening, what decent man would ever even think this!
I wouldn’t want him anywhere near me or my baby.
Repugnant and vile.

Paq · 15/02/2023 09:38

*any family support I meant.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/02/2023 09:44

Sweet89 · 14/02/2023 22:06

It sounds like he's tried using you for financial gain for him and his family but quickly realised that it isn't going to work, I don't believe he split with his ex, I bet they all planned to gain something from you. Let him go back

I also have had ongoing suspicions about whether they actually broke up, but if they were together the whole time, this would be a very elaborate lie, even kept from their families. Both times I went over there I met a considerable number of his extended family where I was introduced as his partner and I spent weeks with them. When they broke up he moved 100 miles away from her to his home city and she removed all social media photos of him and stuff like that.

What he told me was that the relationship had gone bad between him and his ex 5 months before we met, but that it had been his first long term relationship in years and he found he still had feelings for her after they broke up and he found it harder than he thought to go from one relationship to another. The cultural differences between us also exaccerbated his nostalgia for her. He admitted he would like them to possibly get back together, but he's not sure if she'd forgive him for leaving her and also a dealbreaker for him is the pregnancy and if she'd accept this and not stop him from having contact. It would be awful if this was all planned though - I'm not sure if I can ever know for sure...

They aren't completely broke as a family. He and his ex owned a restaurant together, however I can't be sure money wasn't at least a part motivation. I think both of us underestimated how hard he'd find it to adapt to dating someone from another country and moving country. He had lived in a neighbouring country before, and described himself as adventurous so I thought he'd adapt ok, but perhaps this was one adventure too far.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/02/2023 09:49

CatSpeakForDummies · 15/02/2023 09:17

Being a single mother isn't common in your current circles but when you have a baby you make all kinds of new circles. Even my antenatal group introduced me to set ups I thought were more unusual than they really are (huge age gap, accidental one night stand trying to make it work and a sperm donor conceived single parent). At that point, I couldn't imagine any of my peers in these situations, now they are my peers. Since my kids have grown older, there have been all kinds of changes and set ups.

You will find your tribe and support each other, but it will be easier if you are clear about the situation with him.

Good luck!

Thank you - I'm sure you're right! My best friend has also said this to me. She's a breast-feeding specialist and so has offered to introduce me to the right antenatal groups for me. She has also offered to be my birthing partner :-). I do have lovely friends and so I feel lucky from this perspective!

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 15/02/2023 09:55

I think you have to accept that if you have this baby, you're doing it completely on your own. It's a bit of a shame that you ended up pregnant before he had even moved here (or visited?) and realised how different the culture and climate are and how impossible it is to do anything without speaking English. Presumably he can't work here at the moment either? I also think the longer he stays here, the more issues you are going to have with his ex – whatever the circumstances of the break up for him. She represents a link to his home country and thoughts of what might of been in a "grass is always greener" type of way. Now he potentially has the child on the way that he says he wanted but it is in a completely different country and culture.

Apart from potential Visa issues etc and possibly reporting back to his family, definitely do not have any of his family over here to look after the baby. Au pair type arrangements are not suitable for children under about the age of two so unless he has a family member who is a qualified nanny and speaks English you absolutely can't even consider it. Even then, there are many other preferable options.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 15/02/2023 09:56

Ceryneianhind · 15/02/2023 09:25

I'm almost 35, and have wanted children for ages - I felt so overwhelmed that I thought about having an abortion despite this, but I don't think I can go ahead with it as I know I'd regret it.

So, you are having this baby - you have to make some tought choices now. He is not your boyfriend he is a liar.

Do you think he will pay maintenance (I dont)

Is the country he is from a Hague convention one? (in case he takes the child to his home country)

Will he be on the bc? If he is, then he would most like be able to get a passport for the child and then travel with them

Will you give the child your surname? (yes you should)

Yes definitely not actually expecting any money from him... Anyway my salary is very high so I'd almost feel bad taking money from him although maybe I'd accept it out of principal if it magically materialised.

His country has a good relationship with the UK. It's in South America. I don't think I'll put him on the birth certificate or give them his name just in case. I know there are some countries where you need both parent's permission to travel so I don't want to have issues travelling in general, even if I just want to go on holiday somewhere else.

OP posts: