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Original poster

My husband and the woman at work

119 replies

LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 10:19

I posted a while a go about my husband and the strange relationship he has with a woman at work.

He kept this friendship a secret from me for months. He spent time texting her in the toilet. He would lie about who was texting him. I eventually found out and he had two secret phones in the outside toilet.

After finding out, I invited her over for dinner, tried to be friends with her. However, my husband ramped up his campaign to be noticed by her, leaving biscuits on her car, texting her at weekends asking if she was ok whilst ignoring me when I was telling him I was lonely and just giving her a lot of emotional support.

In the end I had to assert a boundary stating I was not ok with this friendship. It was an emotional affair and was ruining our marriage.

He really didn't want to stop texting her. He dialed it back a little but carried on.

He went South Africa in January. As soon as he left he was sending her pictures and they Ng to engage her about personal life. All whilst knowing I am not ok with him and her texting anymore.

When he come home we had a huge argument about it.

Saturday night he has a drink. He sat texting lots of friends all evening. I ended up leaving him downstairs watching the boxing. He slept down stairs for the night. Upon getting up in the morning he put his phone on a charging mat and went to bed leaving me to look after the kids.

Whilst cleaning up I knocked his phone off the mat and picked it up. I unlocked it to make sure the phone was ok and upon opening it a message to Helen opened with a typed but unsent message saying "I fu*king love you. I think you are so sexy".

I confronted my husband right away. He denies writing it. He says he doesn't feel that way. He is making out it doesn't matter because it wasn't sent. When we have spoken about it he says he doesn't believe it was him and how can he be sorry about something he doesn't remember doing doesn't think he has done and he has no feelings that way for her at all.

He has done exactly this before in 2015 with another woman at work but harassed her to the point it was uncomfortable to be his wife due to his obsession with her.

What is everyone else's take on this?

OP posts:
Popplcroft · 13/02/2023 10:21

What kind of a take do you want? Your husband is cheating on you and is a borderline stalker. H2h

Maybe83 · 13/02/2023 10:22

That your husband really doesn't care.

It's so inappropriate. He knows you know and he isn't stopping, isn't putting you or your relationship first

He isn't trust worthy and your relationship is not a priority for him.

What do you think? Why are you still with him? Can you separate?

NoDairyNoProblem · 13/02/2023 10:24

He has done exactly this before in 2015 with another woman at work but harassed her to the point it was uncomfortable to be his wife due to his obsession with her.
^^
What is everyone else's take on this?

And somehow this is better? Dig deep, find your dignity and end this disastrous marriage. Sorry I sound harsh but you need to have a long hard think about why you find it ok to be treated this way.

I really hope you have some real life support too.

LemonTT · 13/02/2023 10:27

Your husband is a creepy stalker. That he is exploiting a work relationship is even worse.

Do you want this type of man in your life ?

luckylavender · 13/02/2023 10:28

Why are you putting up with this?

ErinAndTonic · 13/02/2023 10:31

Why the fuck are you still there?

Jesus Christ.

FictionalCharacter · 13/02/2023 10:33

He’s an absolute creep. He’s obsessed with this poor woman, he’s harassing her, he’s basically a stalker, and he did it before to a different woman. That says what kind of man he is.
He doesn’t have a friendship or relationship with this woman. It’s all coming from him and it’s very likely that she’s very unhappy with it. Don’t try to make yourself feel better by making it sound like she’s part of the problem.
You’ve tried to asset a boundary, he tramples all over it, he lies to you. He’s obsessive and he won’t stop. Either you stay with him and endure this, or the marriage is over.

SouperWoman · 13/02/2023 10:36

This woman is not the problem. Your husband will always find another ‘Helen’ to obsess over because he’s a creepy weirdo who doesn’t love you.
Sorry.
Is this how you want to live?

CheeseandGherkins · 13/02/2023 10:40

Tell him to leave. He sounds unhinged and dangerous. I would warn this woman that he is harassing, about the previous time he did this, to another woman as well. I would not stay with this man at all.

StarDolphins · 13/02/2023 10:40

There’s no way I would ever be treated like this. There’s a fine line between forgiving & being a doormat. Sorry to be harsh but you need to work on your self esteem. Value your worth & leave him immediately to never, ever look back. You will damage your children if not.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/02/2023 10:49

Time to get your ducks in a row.

And if she goes to HR he could face a disciplinary. His actions are incredibly inappropriate and totally disrespectful

wickerhearth · 13/02/2023 10:51

Dump him.

DestinysGrandchild · 13/02/2023 10:54

Why are you with him?? I feel sorry for you and all the women he won't leave alone.

Pirateships · 13/02/2023 10:57

I mean there's 2 issues here isn't there, what he is doing to you by actively pursuing another relationship and the very intense and let's be honest creepy things he's doing for this women. Both would be a no from me.

Sirius3030 · 13/02/2023 10:59

The most charitable thing I could say is that he might have a borderline personality disorder.
Or he might be an unpleasant weirdo.
You decide.

Galadriel90 · 13/02/2023 11:00

Jesus Christ. What does he bring to your life that is positive? A partner or husband should raise you up not bring you down. How is this unedifying situation raising you up?

fantasmasgoria1 · 13/02/2023 11:03

Sirius3030 · 13/02/2023 10:59

The most charitable thing I could say is that he might have a borderline personality disorder.
Or he might be an unpleasant weirdo.
You decide.

Why say anything about bpd. I have BPD and know a fair few people with the diagnosis and none of them behave in this way.

caringcarer · 13/02/2023 11:06

I can't think anyone would want to be married to this man. He is stalking a work colleague whilst totally disrespecting you and taking no note of the boundaries you set. He should be texting you not her. My dh still sends me flirty texts and we have been married 16 years. If I found just 1 flirty text to another woman that would be the end of us, and he knows it. Your DH has done it before and you just accepted it so now he thinks it is ok to do it again. Get a bit of dignity and bin him off.

wednesdaynamesep · 13/02/2023 11:09

My skin crawls just reading this. He's done this before, he's doing it again. People must be wondering what's going on at home, whether you know, whether you think harassment is harmless, enable him etc. Helen will be talking to people about it, possibly including the weird time you tried to make friends with her too.

Sorry, but whenever I read about an abuser / harasser / rapist / murderer etc who is also 'a husband and family man', I always wonder what's going on with the wife, what she tolerates, what she ignores, whether she knew and didn't care, what their family must be like ...

I would dump him and also reach out to Helen to tell her if she needed support in proving harassment then I'd back her up. Because you also told him to stop, and he didn't.

LoekMa · 13/02/2023 11:10

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Original poster
LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 11:10

I have BPD too and I don't behave like my husband either.

I think the years of crap I have put up with from him have me in a truma bond.

I am finding it hard to feel anything at the moment at all.

I don't even feel angry. I am in a state of numbness.

The fact that he has done this whilst drunk, says he doesn't remember and even denies it could possibly be him because he doesn't feel that way for her at all is very confusing to me. Surely you have to feel something that way for someone to write that when you are drunk?

OP posts:
Original poster
LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 11:14

He told me the reason he kept the friendship a secret from me was because he has tried to have affairs in the past and he thought I would be uncomfortable with him m having a female friend. He said he had been very long belt and just wanted a friend. I sympathized with him and tried to be ok with this "friend" and tried to be ok with it and the best way I thought was to invite her for dinner seeing as nothing supposedly was going on. She is going through a tough time leaving her husband who cheated on her and that is what my husband told me he had been helping her with.

I don't think my actions are odd at all, it's giving someone the benefit of the doubt, if anything a little foolish.

OP posts:
catfunk · 13/02/2023 11:18

He's at best having an affair, at worst sexually harassing other women.
Do you really need to ask what to do?!

Duckingella · 13/02/2023 11:19

I remember your last thread.He can't stop can he?;if "helen" chose to do so she could lodge a sexual harassment complaint with work and it cost him his job.

Your husband is a creepy stalker and he won't stop.I think he'd have sex with "Helen" if he could.

Original poster
LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 11:20

She came to my husband first to befriend him. Asked him to keep it a secret and vented to him for months about her husband cheating on her.

When my husband started acting weird. Going out to the toilet to text. Lying about who he was texting. I found his other secret phones. That's when I discovered this friendship.

As described below he told me she had reached out to him. He was trying to help her. And he felt lonely.

I tried to be ok with this friendship by reaching out and being ok with things. I wasn't ok with things.

I have messaged her since and tried warning her of his creepy behaviour. There is nothing much else I can do.

The message at the weekend I described was typed in a messenger box but was not sent. Dunno why he didn't send it and he denies it was him at all.

OP posts: