At the beginning she went to him to "vent" because her husband was having an affair with a woman he was working with. She asked him to keep the conversation a secret. Afterwards she gave him her number and he gave her his.
I had never heard of this woman since he started working there in 2015.
I noticed since June 2022 he started to withdraw. Became distant. Loving words or efforts were less and less. He would go out to the toilet for up to 15/20 minutes each morning. Right before bed he would go out to the outside toilet for 20/30 minutes.
When his watch buzzed in bed he would hide the face. He would sit on his phone all the time with the screen turned away from me. When I would ask who he was texting he would say it was a karate group chat.
When I asked him to meet my needs with my love language he refused as I need words of affirmation. He said he found it impossible.
When I asked to sit down and talk to him because I felt something was off he would dismiss me because ai would bring up the past and the times he had done things before because I felt like he was sneaking around again and he would suit me down.
One evening I went into the outside toilet and found a work phone (that he agreed he would never bring into the house again because of former misconduct) and another phone.
I opened both phones and found the messages to Helen.
I was shocked as I had never heard of her. There was nothing flirty or alarming as such. However, he was offering her an ear for venting. Giving her kind words. Building her up. Offering guitar lessons to her kids when our own children had been asked to be taught and he had not bothered. He would text her first thing in the morning and at night before sleep.
For the longest while after I found out about the secret friendship he has told me (or gaslighted me into believing) he was lonely, wanted and needed a friend, felt uncomfortable telling me about her because of his prior track record with women.
I invited her to dinner to try and be ok with their friendship. I took his word for it that it was what he was saying it was.
After the dinner the messages between them were prolific.
She would call him to rant when he was driving. She would be talking to him all evening and he would take time out from his karate to text her during lessons (something he has never done for me). I found it more offensive that one day he went karate, I had a very high temperature, was left at home looking after two kids feeling very unwell, and whilst on his way to karate, during karate and on the way back from karate he was texting and calling her but didn't bother once to find out how I was or how I was coping with looking after the children in the state I was in.
After a solicitors appointment Helen went into work upset and at the end of the day he left her biscuits on her car which he didn't tell me about but she quite feely flaunted to me.
I remember the weekend before my birthday I told him I felt lonely, I walked out the room after being ignored to come back in and find him texting her to see if she was ok.
The final straw was one date night he told me he felt disconnected. When I said it was because we were arguing all the time about the attention he was giving Helen he denied it.
I lost my temper created a group chat and told them no more. I told her exactly what he had been doing to me. I told her I didn't like her venting to my husband and he could not be her emotional support.
It has been dialled back since but in January when he went South Africa, he text he within a day of landing trying to have conversations about her personal life and crossing my boundaries I had set.
She stopped texting him when she realised he was being inappropriate and was crossing the line I had set.
When he got home they carried on texting for "work related reasons".
When I saw the South Africa messages I said no more.
I did not accept the moment he is out of sight he tries to rekindle the friendship, and more over he sent her pictures of his trip and he never does that for even me, despite asking him.
It has been quite since 16 January and I said a big final No. Then on 11 Febuary 2023 things transpired as per the begining of this post.
He is still saying he does not remember writing the message. He doesn't have those feeling for her. I asked him as a bear minimum to delete her from all social media and block her and remove her number. He has done that. He claims he is avoiding all contact at work with her Barr anything absolutely necessary now.
Honestly, I don't care what is or isn't going on now.
I have made up my mind I am leaving.
Reading psychology articles and not just stereotypes about NPD. I genuinely believe he has this disorder.
He honestly doesn't understand basic human relationships and appropriate behaviours. He has a massive lack of self esteem and it doesn't occur to him how many chances he has been given or what it is doing to me or the kids when he pulls this shit. He lacks empathy. He is not arrogant or self loving or anything like that. He comes accross as confident but he genuinely believes he doesn't deserve what he has or believes that anyone loves him. I am of the opinion it isn't my job to fix him. It isn't my job to counsel him. It isn't my job to to discovery for him. If he wants a fulfilled life he is the owner of breaking his own disruptive cycle. I can only take control of how I act, own how I feel, and be the writer of my own boundaries. I cannot tolerate his behaviour anymore. He is killing me because he hates himself. I am not going to let him do this anymore.