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Original poster

My husband and the woman at work

119 replies

LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 10:19

I posted a while a go about my husband and the strange relationship he has with a woman at work.

He kept this friendship a secret from me for months. He spent time texting her in the toilet. He would lie about who was texting him. I eventually found out and he had two secret phones in the outside toilet.

After finding out, I invited her over for dinner, tried to be friends with her. However, my husband ramped up his campaign to be noticed by her, leaving biscuits on her car, texting her at weekends asking if she was ok whilst ignoring me when I was telling him I was lonely and just giving her a lot of emotional support.

In the end I had to assert a boundary stating I was not ok with this friendship. It was an emotional affair and was ruining our marriage.

He really didn't want to stop texting her. He dialed it back a little but carried on.

He went South Africa in January. As soon as he left he was sending her pictures and they Ng to engage her about personal life. All whilst knowing I am not ok with him and her texting anymore.

When he come home we had a huge argument about it.

Saturday night he has a drink. He sat texting lots of friends all evening. I ended up leaving him downstairs watching the boxing. He slept down stairs for the night. Upon getting up in the morning he put his phone on a charging mat and went to bed leaving me to look after the kids.

Whilst cleaning up I knocked his phone off the mat and picked it up. I unlocked it to make sure the phone was ok and upon opening it a message to Helen opened with a typed but unsent message saying "I fu*king love you. I think you are so sexy".

I confronted my husband right away. He denies writing it. He says he doesn't feel that way. He is making out it doesn't matter because it wasn't sent. When we have spoken about it he says he doesn't believe it was him and how can he be sorry about something he doesn't remember doing doesn't think he has done and he has no feelings that way for her at all.

He has done exactly this before in 2015 with another woman at work but harassed her to the point it was uncomfortable to be his wife due to his obsession with her.

What is everyone else's take on this?

OP posts:
caramac04 · 13/02/2023 11:50

Christ he really is horrible! What he is doing to you is emotionally abusive and stalking another woman is utterly vile. Perhaps ‘Helen’ feels uncomfortable with his stupid actions, biscuits on her car ffs!? She may be feeling it’s all a bit much but if she wants him, pack his bags and let her have him.
You don’t have to put up with his behaviour, get your ducks in a row.

TheBadLuckOfTeelaBrown · 13/02/2023 11:53

Why are you with him exactly.
He is a creepy stalker, he has mental health issues and he has zero respect for you. What a prince of a man!!!

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 13/02/2023 11:54

It’s not a friendship though is it he’s trying to get in her knickers.

Your acting a bit doormat like at the moment.

Starlitestarbright · 13/02/2023 11:59

He sounds like a bloody predator. I'm spirited HR aren't onto him. I remember my boss who was married trying to come on to me, makes me feel sick thinking about it and his wife knew of his infidelity and turned a blind eye.

AnyFucker · 13/02/2023 12:01

There is nothing much else I can do.

Of course there is. Your self respect is there for the taking when you get shut of this creepy stalker.

Doesn’t he make your skin crawl ? I no am climbing inside myself right now and I don’t even have to look at his pathetic face.

Hellopello · 13/02/2023 12:05

Well done on recognising that it’s time to rethink this relationship and recognise the importance of looking after yourself . He is hiding phones, lying about his texting other women and yet wants you to believe that you’re the one with the problem?
Run! Run as fast as you can. Go stay at a friends or family member’s house if you need to get some space to plan next steps .
He is bringing so much confusion, self doubt, and drama into your life and he’s just not worth it.

It’s no wonder that you have been doubting yourself as he redirects the blame to you, and does not admit fault as he wants it all his way .

tattygrl · 13/02/2023 12:08

LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 11:46

I know, and believe it or not talking here in this thread is validating me because, he makes me believe that it is me who is abnormal. This morning for example. He was looking all sad etc because I am taking care of me. Doing what I want and not chasing after him. He said what's wrong? I said "are you having a laugh?" I saw what I seen yesterday and I am supposed to be ok less than 24 hours later? I am not ok with what you wrote. I am not ok with you. I am not chasing after you. I am processing how I feel because right now I feel numb. I have to work out what makes me happy. Not what makes you happy. I need to work out what I need and what I want. I don't care right now if you feel sad or anything else. It is about me. Give me space and let me work out what I want. He turned ok so your the one with the problem. I said excuse me, I think the population would agree that you are the one with the problem not me. I am processing what to do next.

Honestly, right now I am numb. No anger. And this is worrying me. There is always calm before a storm. I think whatever is building up but it's dropping slowly.

I wouldn't even bother trying to get him to hear that he's the one with the problem. I'd say "you know what, yeah, I am the one with a problem here. It seems like you're fine with the way you're acting, and that's great. However, it's not fine for me, therefore, I'm off". Let him crack on. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

GoodChat · 13/02/2023 12:10

If his excuse is that it's fine because he didn't send it and was drunk, how else are you going to expect him to behave when he's drunk?
It'll be ok when he kisses someone, because he's drunk, or has drunken sex.

You're right, he's a gaslighter and he's manipulative and you deserve better.

Hellopello · 13/02/2023 12:19

I wouldn’t get involved in any further discussions of your side of the situation, and how you are feeling, since you know now that he is lacking empathy ,and has zero intention of being sensitive and respectful .

If you decide to leave, maybe do it when he’s at work and avoid his drama. . A caring partner would already know why you are saddened and angry , and can no longer stay and tolerate any more emotional abuse or lies.

CallieQ · 13/02/2023 12:21

Why are you still with this man?? He sounds awful on every level

Crikeyalmighty · 13/02/2023 12:29

He clearly gets a buzz from this , it's not a one off and has no manners or respect- so I'm afraid I would leave him to it and start making plans to separate.

Original poster
LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 12:36

I need to make sure I can leave him and everything is on my terms as he is strange. I thought for years he was just simple. I can't pass this off as simple anymore. I actually believe he plays a simpleton so he can manipulate people.

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 13/02/2023 12:41

Have you considered getting sti tested? Nobody has 2 phones to just text like a stalker..
I hope these women are planning on reporting him to the police. . Maybe they are on mn?

Original poster
LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 12:54

Yes done it and had him take a lie detector test before everything passed. Guess he isn't lucky getting other women into bed because he is a weirdo.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 13/02/2023 13:09

@LizzyLisa yes put yourself in a prime position first- in the meantime carry on as normal if you possibly can- although I know that's bloody hard

Sunriseinwonderland · 13/02/2023 13:11

LTB he wouldn't think twice about leaving you.

ErinAndTonic · 13/02/2023 13:14

He sounds like a creepy sex pest. I can't think of any reason why anyone would want to stay with him. If he's tried to have affairs in the past then this is no different. He doesn't even want you or to be faithful to you. What redeeming qualities does this sleazy bastard have?

WidthofaLine · 13/02/2023 13:23

Stop speaking with him right now, no more communication.

Then see a solicitor.

He's a deeply strange, damaged man who needs to be on his own.
Think of your own safety, this man does not have normal boundaries and quite frankly I'd be worried by what he could be capable of in the future.

He really isn't a safe person.

Thisisnotahotel · 13/02/2023 13:24

FFS this in the most kindest way, get rid of the creepy fucker.
You must think so little of yourself to put up with this total wanker ❤️

WidthofaLine · 13/02/2023 13:29

By the way, everthing you believe to be correct, is correct.

You are right and he is wrong.

Now that's sorted, you don't have to listen to anymore crap excuses, he's trying to send you crazy and doing a pretty good job.

Now take the power back, don't listen to liars, free yourself and only invite honesty in your life.

tattygrl · 13/02/2023 13:31

WidthofaLine · 13/02/2023 13:23

Stop speaking with him right now, no more communication.

Then see a solicitor.

He's a deeply strange, damaged man who needs to be on his own.
Think of your own safety, this man does not have normal boundaries and quite frankly I'd be worried by what he could be capable of in the future.

He really isn't a safe person.

Strongly agree with this. Take it seriously, OP. You're familiar with him so have less of a clear sense of the alarming-ness of this situation and his behaviour. Protect yourself and the children.

Smooshface · 13/02/2023 13:31

Who on earth has two secret phones? What is the point in that? That sounds terrifying, like he hassles someone until they block him and then do it from the other number until blocked again?

What has the last 8 years been like since you forgave him the last time? Because unless it was amazing literally anything would be better than this, sounds terrible.

Rachaelrachael · 13/02/2023 13:46

Im actually worried for your safety reading this. He sounds dangerous. He is highly abusive and he's manipulated and confused you so much, you don't know what's real anymore. I've been unfortunate enough to come across a man like this (many years ago) and the only thing you can do is escape from him. Only then will you start to think clearly. And be warned, when he knows you're trying to leave he will probably ramp the abuse up. When I tried to leave my abuser I was threatened with suicide and told that he had cancer. Stay strong, trust your own mind and please get away from this vile 'man's ASAP

Original poster
LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 14:19

In the 8 years since the last time....

2019 he left his work phone here whilst in Italy. He called me and asked me to open it. As work tried to contact him.

He had a secret FB profile stalking his exes and people he fancied and had had sex with in the past. He even searched up the woman from 2015 whose name was Simone. He searched up the woman called Hazel who he had sex with being made back in 2003 when I was pregnant with our oldest daughter (I left him when this happened and had nothing to do with him for 3 years). I also found a prostitution website to find local woman when he was abroad. Hence why I had him take a lie detector test before.

He does not have a good track record.

The more I write the more real this all becomes. He really is a creep.

He has no sense of what normal is or appropriate behaviour.

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 13/02/2023 14:28

It really doesn't matter what he's doing at this point in time because he's been doing the same shit for years.

Do you want to leave him and are you able to?

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