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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband and the woman at work

119 replies

LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 10:19

I posted a while a go about my husband and the strange relationship he has with a woman at work.

He kept this friendship a secret from me for months. He spent time texting her in the toilet. He would lie about who was texting him. I eventually found out and he had two secret phones in the outside toilet.

After finding out, I invited her over for dinner, tried to be friends with her. However, my husband ramped up his campaign to be noticed by her, leaving biscuits on her car, texting her at weekends asking if she was ok whilst ignoring me when I was telling him I was lonely and just giving her a lot of emotional support.

In the end I had to assert a boundary stating I was not ok with this friendship. It was an emotional affair and was ruining our marriage.

He really didn't want to stop texting her. He dialed it back a little but carried on.

He went South Africa in January. As soon as he left he was sending her pictures and they Ng to engage her about personal life. All whilst knowing I am not ok with him and her texting anymore.

When he come home we had a huge argument about it.

Saturday night he has a drink. He sat texting lots of friends all evening. I ended up leaving him downstairs watching the boxing. He slept down stairs for the night. Upon getting up in the morning he put his phone on a charging mat and went to bed leaving me to look after the kids.

Whilst cleaning up I knocked his phone off the mat and picked it up. I unlocked it to make sure the phone was ok and upon opening it a message to Helen opened with a typed but unsent message saying "I fu*king love you. I think you are so sexy".

I confronted my husband right away. He denies writing it. He says he doesn't feel that way. He is making out it doesn't matter because it wasn't sent. When we have spoken about it he says he doesn't believe it was him and how can he be sorry about something he doesn't remember doing doesn't think he has done and he has no feelings that way for her at all.

He has done exactly this before in 2015 with another woman at work but harassed her to the point it was uncomfortable to be his wife due to his obsession with her.

What is everyone else's take on this?

OP posts:
Tattytaylor · 13/02/2023 11:20

There is absolutely no debate about this at all. He's shitting on you from a great height and you're letting him. He's sounds like a bit of weirdo to me too. I'd start the process of divorce without a second thought.

Original poster
LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 11:22

I think you are right. I think something is up in his head and he is in denial. I also agree, if he had sent that message at the weekend he would be in a world of crap this morning at work for sure.

OP posts:
elm26 · 13/02/2023 11:23

I'd of been gone a long time ago, he sounds like a weirdo. Get out now x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2023 11:25

He has and continues to lie openly to you. You have a choice re this man and your children do not. He has never been faithful and there will be other women he will actively chase.

The people I feel for in this mess are your children because they are also caught up in their parents crossfire. What are they going to remember primarily about their childhoods; they know that things are not good between you two and perhaps even worse are mouse quiet and want to people/parent please. Their father is certainly letting them down here through his own selfishness and you have chosen to stay with him till now at least.

FictionalCharacter · 13/02/2023 11:26

You’re still believing what your husband says, and what he says he feels. He does NOT have a “friendship” with her. You should be looking at this situation from a normal perspective, and what happens in a normal marriage, not from his perspective. Which frankly is highly abnormal and predatory.

MorrisZapp · 13/02/2023 11:28

This doesn't make sense. Your husband typed out a message on his phone and you saw the message, but he denies having typed it?

And you find this 'confusing'? Where's the confusion? He wrote the message. There's no room for confusion.

Fairislefandango · 13/02/2023 11:30

He has done exactly this before in 2015 with another woman at work but harassed her to the point it was uncomfortable to be his wife due to his obsession with her.

What is everyone else's take on this?

Confused Presumably anyone sane's take on this would be "Why the hell didn't you dump this cheating stalker in 2015?!" I honestly don't understand. The repeated cheating/trying to cheat is awful enough, but how can you possibly stay with a man who literally harasses other women?!

Meltinthemiddle · 13/02/2023 11:30

Omg leave him, just leave.

beAsensible1 · 13/02/2023 11:33

LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 11:20

She came to my husband first to befriend him. Asked him to keep it a secret and vented to him for months about her husband cheating on her.

When my husband started acting weird. Going out to the toilet to text. Lying about who he was texting. I found his other secret phones. That's when I discovered this friendship.

As described below he told me she had reached out to him. He was trying to help her. And he felt lonely.

I tried to be ok with this friendship by reaching out and being ok with things. I wasn't ok with things.

I have messaged her since and tried warning her of his creepy behaviour. There is nothing much else I can do.

The message at the weekend I described was typed in a messenger box but was not sent. Dunno why he didn't send it and he denies it was him at all.

and who told you she came to him first? him?

MasterBeth · 13/02/2023 11:34

The fact that he has done this whilst drunk, says he doesn't remember and even denies it could possibly be him because he doesn't feel that way for her at all is very confusing to me. Surely you have to feel something that way for someone to write that when you are drunk?

Maybe he's... lying?

Original poster
LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 11:34

It was typed out pending being sent. I didn't see him type it out. He says he doesn't remember writing it. Because it wasn't sent he says he doesn't know when it was written. He said he couldn't have wrote it because he doesn't feel that way. He went as far as to accuse me of writing it to have a go at him, or at least that's how it felt.

At the moment I am not staying with him, I haven't forgiven him, I am trying to process 6 odd months of gaslighting and manipulation and trying to work out how to deal with this swiftly, efficiently, and to get some opinions because the abuse over the years has unfortunately distorted my perceptions. My husband has isolated me from every friend I have due to his bad behaviour over the years so I don't really have any other adult perspectives on every day life anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 11:36

Her and him. When I met her she told me how she had gone to him crying about her husband etc.

OP posts:
AKASheilaTheGreat · 13/02/2023 11:36

My take on it? You're being an absolute doormat and making lots of noise but not actually doing what you should be doing - which is leaving this twat

Fladdermus · 13/02/2023 11:37

He says he doesn't remember typing it because he believes you'll buy any bullshit he feeds you.

Original poster
LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 11:37

Because he has knocked all my self esteem out of me is the only logical answer I come to. I feel so crap about myself and unwanted and unloved.

OP posts:
AKASheilaTheGreat · 13/02/2023 11:38

@LizzyLisa this does sound tough. I do however predict that your self esteem would recover in no time without this prick in your life.

Makegoodchoices · 13/02/2023 11:38

You do not have a poltergeist that types mystery messages. Your husband wrote this. Everything that has come out of his mouth since is a desperate lie.

Original poster
LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 11:40

🤣 I actually said to him if you didn't write it, are you expecting me to believe the Holy Ghost did?

OP posts:
Makegoodchoices · 13/02/2023 11:42

You will feel wanted and loved if you find someone who actually deserves your loyalty. This chap isn’t it. But that’s his failing and not yours.

Choconut · 13/02/2023 11:43

Sounds less BPD and more NPD to me, low empathy, no remorse, the lying and gas lighting, constantly looking for attention elsewhere.

OP you should have left in 2015, you say you're asserting boundaries which is great but he's trampling all over them. You need to call it a day and not keep forgiving him as you're doing yourself a huge disservice here. This is not a healthy relationship in any way, shape or form.

Tittyfilarious81 · 13/02/2023 11:43

Op I'm so sorry you are going through this but you need to end this marriage. In your update you said he's tried to have affairs before and he's stalked more than 1 woman and become obsessed and that's absolutely not acceptable. Don't allow him to be so disrespectful and disgusting with how he treats you any longer or it will continue endlessly as he obviously can't be trusted and you will feel worse and worse about your worth .

Whattodowhattodowhattodoooo · 13/02/2023 11:44

You seem to know a little about unhealthy relationships, you refer to trauma bonds etc...can you therefore not see he is gaslighting you and you are also gaslighting yourself.

"I couldn't have wrote that message as I don't feel that way" this is seriously abusive. He OBVIOUSLY wrote that message. He is manipulating you which is going to have a serious impact on your mental health.

He's been doing a number on you for years- this is seriously abusive stuff.

Get out. Get out. Get out.

Whattodowhattodowhattodoooo · 13/02/2023 11:45

Choconut · 13/02/2023 11:43

Sounds less BPD and more NPD to me, low empathy, no remorse, the lying and gas lighting, constantly looking for attention elsewhere.

OP you should have left in 2015, you say you're asserting boundaries which is great but he's trampling all over them. You need to call it a day and not keep forgiving him as you're doing yourself a huge disservice here. This is not a healthy relationship in any way, shape or form.

This. 100%>

Original poster
LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 11:46

I know, and believe it or not talking here in this thread is validating me because, he makes me believe that it is me who is abnormal. This morning for example. He was looking all sad etc because I am taking care of me. Doing what I want and not chasing after him. He said what's wrong? I said "are you having a laugh?" I saw what I seen yesterday and I am supposed to be ok less than 24 hours later? I am not ok with what you wrote. I am not ok with you. I am not chasing after you. I am processing how I feel because right now I feel numb. I have to work out what makes me happy. Not what makes you happy. I need to work out what I need and what I want. I don't care right now if you feel sad or anything else. It is about me. Give me space and let me work out what I want. He turned ok so your the one with the problem. I said excuse me, I think the population would agree that you are the one with the problem not me. I am processing what to do next.

Honestly, right now I am numb. No anger. And this is worrying me. There is always calm before a storm. I think whatever is building up but it's dropping slowly.

OP posts:
Original poster
LizzyLisa · 13/02/2023 11:48

Good advice

OP posts: