My husband and the woman at work

[LizzyLisa]

I posted a while a go about my husband and the strange relationship he has with a woman at work.

He kept this friendship a secret from me for months. He spent time texting her in the toilet. He would lie about who was texting him. I eventually found out and he had two secret phones in the outside toilet.

After finding out, I invited her over for dinner, tried to be friends with her. However, my husband ramped up his campaign to be noticed by her, leaving biscuits on her car, texting her at weekends asking if she was ok whilst ignoring me when I was telling him I was lonely and just giving her a lot of emotional support.

In the end I had to assert a boundary stating I was not ok with this friendship. It was an emotional affair and was ruining our marriage.

He really didn't want to stop texting her. He dialed it back a little but carried on.

He went South Africa in January. As soon as he left he was sending her pictures and they Ng to engage her about personal life. All whilst knowing I am not ok with him and her texting anymore.

When he come home we had a huge argument about it.

Saturday night he has a drink. He sat texting lots of friends all evening. I ended up leaving him downstairs watching the boxing. He slept down stairs for the night. Upon getting up in the morning he put his phone on a charging mat and went to bed leaving me to look after the kids.

Whilst cleaning up I knocked his phone off the mat and picked it up. I unlocked it to make sure the phone was ok and upon opening it a message to Helen opened with a typed but unsent message saying "I fu*king love you. I think you are so sexy".

I confronted my husband right away. He denies writing it. He says he doesn't feel that way. He is making out it doesn't matter because it wasn't sent. When we have spoken about it he says he doesn't believe it was him and how can he be sorry about something he doesn't remember doing doesn't think he has done and he has no feelings that way for her at all.

He has done exactly this before in 2015 with another woman at work but harassed her to the point it was uncomfortable to be his wife due to his obsession with her.

What is everyone else's take on this?

I want to leave him but believe he should leave. The house is brought and in both names and we don't have a mortgage becaus his mum lent us the money. We owe about 17000 to her but other than that it's ours. I don't work as I have cptsd ADHD and fibromyalgia, we have two disabled kids. One with severe eczema asthma and allergies and the other has ADHD and autism. I care for the kids and keep house. He is the sole worker in the household and it is quite hard to work when he travels all over the world for long periods of time esp with the children's care needs. I really need to get a job and start fighting my way out of this situation.

Will he leave if you ask him to?

I agree with you in principle OP that it should be him who leaves, but ultimately, if he won't, don't die on that hill. Just leave if it becomes clear he isn't going to, or that he will use the house as a means of remaining in your life. It is not worth having him in your life. If it comes down to it, be prepared to forget the house and what you're entitled to.

He won't leave, this man makes his own laws up, probably won't even accept what a divorce lawyer tells him.

File for divorce if you want him out of your life, buy a covert recorder when he turns, as I believe he will do, the evidence will get you restaining orders against him.

Only time will make you see how very unfair this relationship has become, on the other hand he will never recognise what he's done to you, he thinks he owns you and can be treated in anyway he sees fit.

An appauling human being.

@LizzyLisa

With the kindest of intentions, read this and ask yourself if this sounds familiar. What would you tell your daughter if this was a post she'd written?

*"Gaslighting is an emotionally abusive strategy that causes someone to question their feelings, thoughts, and sanity. If someone gaslights you, they’ll attempt to make you question reality. The purpose of gaslighting is to convince you that you can’t trust your thoughts or instincts.

A gaslighter may try to convince you that your memories are incorrect, that you overreact to situations, or that something is “all in your head.""*

More on Gaslighting

Denial
Another tell-tale behavior of someone who is trying to gaslight you is outright denial. This goes hand in hand with lying. According to George Simon, PhD, “When they’re confronted, they don’t just deny, deny, deny — they deny adamantly. The script is simple: when you get confronted on something you know will expose you for the unsavory character you are, act offended and hurt, appear resolute, and question the sanity of your accuser. The script is not only simple, it’s also generally effective.”*

You have to know he is, at the very least, treating you poorly. Nothing ever changes if nothing in the situation really changes. I hope you change things soon.

I think you've got your head screwed on right OP and can't offer any advice over and above what's been given - the cheating is bad enough but this guy is a creepy weirdo and genuinely odd with women.

She is going through a tough time leaving her husband who cheated on her and that is what my husband told me he had been helping her with

Two thoughts :

Why is it never hairy Mike from Accounts, that these guys want to "help"?

How can he possibly help her with her divorce, unless he's a lawyer?

It's a load of old crap and you deserve SO much better.

My 1st H was all over women when he got drunk. I left him. Guess what, that was 15 years ago, and he's still the same. Uurg.

Unless you want this to be your life forever, think about getting out.

Just a thought. His obsessions are a reflection of a self esteem junkie needing a fix. Healthy normal people don’t need fixing as thru have self belief. The reason this emotional affair is crucial is because one way or another the other woman has made some space for him maybe as an exit affair or something and she needs the attention too. This is all bullshit way above your paycheque and you can not help either. Get a term time part time job and start fighting for your survival out of this.

He came home tonight and he has been acting like the victim. Saying he is too deflated since our conversation to go to boxing. I said you need to go to boxing tonight as I need my space and I want to have time to myself. I think he was expecting me to sit arguing with him about going. I didn't after he said this I went and paid attention to our little daughter. He eventually pulled himself together and has left the house, without his boxing kit and one t-shirt.

I am not chasing him. I am not fighting for this relationship.

I am past bloody caring.

I voiced all the concerns I read in this post today in my own voice.

I told him his behaviour is creepy and weird and regardless of if he is with me or someone else no one is going to put up with this crap for long.

I am sick of the self pity he feels for himself for his own actions. I am actually looking at him thinking he is quite pathetic. I think finally I am drained of all love, compassion and empathy for him.

He is a nasty person who clearly has NPD.

@LizzyLisa He sounds like he has a really good job though- I don't quite get why he needs the self esteem/ego boost from ridiculous acting out with other women. I can only presume he's a bit of an oddball and not had much luck with women in the past apart from your good self OP.

I am sorry @LizzyLisa but you are wasting your breathe talking to him
He will never change
Your energy would be better put towards planning your exit strategy
You need legal advise ASAP. AND DO NOT TELL HIM ABOUT ANYTHING!
Keep it cordial within the home to avoid possible flash points
Collect evidence of his financials and keep a diary documenting everything

You can never have a loving normal relationship with someone like him. I'm sorry

Check out women's aid for resources....but seriously say nothing to him about your plans.

I am in touch with LWA which is like woman's aid as several friends pointed out that I was being subjected to covert narcissistic abuse, gaslighting and trauma bonded to him as this happens in two yearly cycles. I need them to give me consistent support to make an exit strategy. I need a solid support network before I leave as I do have depression and CPTSD.

All his past relationships were inappropriate, or they cheated on him, or were one night stands. He has only ever been used for drunken sex or been put in a second best position and it seems he is now treating me how he has been treated.

Yack. He is horrid.

Wow, he really plays the victim doesn’t he?

I know what you mean, OP. Once you see how weak and useless cheaters are, you can never respect them again.

What is everyone else's take on this?

Given that they work together so see each other every day, my own take is that if this is "just" an emotional affair I'm the Queen of Sheba - after all he's cheated before so why would this time be any different?

I mean this kindly, but I also think you're getting too involved with his latest OW (inviting her to dinner, messaging her and so on). It's not her who made promises to you but him, and I'd say there's a clear risk of them both playing you and probably enjoying it

Difficult as it is he's clearly got to go because there's just no point any more; he can't even be bothered to show you the respect you deserve, never mind love you, so really there's nothing left to save

I feel this 100%

In my experience, the one time you can usually rely on people to be honest, is when they're drunk.

That's when the truth comes out, whether they like it or not.

Firstly - you didn't unlock it to check it was ok, you unlocked it to look, be honest. And your suspicions were right. Your gut knows he's cheating, and your gut knows you should leave him. Sounds like your head is trying to make excuses for what your heart already knows. Big girl pants on, it's time for you two to break up. You deserve more.

Seriously, you need to get legal advice. He's a total wrong un.

Borderline personality disorder is a condition that affects how you think, feel and interact with other people. There are many ways it manifests, but it is not a precise clinical descriptor. Many of the attributes of this guy could be described under the category. But more significantly, would you rather have people with odd behaviour being categorised under mild mental impairment, or written off as "weirdos'?

He’s running around with his dick waving around and laughing at you.

He’s made you feel that he can do what he wants and that you can’t leave him no matter what he chucks at you. I would give him the surprise of his life and end it for good (and hope that his dick falls off).

If you're going to be living with him for the foreseeable future you have to engage with him as little as possible, no questioning him or reasoning with him or explaining why what he did was wrong etc.

He is a massive gaslighter as you know and all conversations will drain your energy and cause confusion etc.....having to constantly explain yourself and why someones behaviour is wrong is so mentally draining because it's so frustrating.

You need all your energy and strength to focus on you going forward.

Lizzy, I commented on your November thread. It was evident that this was a reciprocated emotional affair (at the least) as opposed to a stalking situation. Your H and OW were both lapping up their Damsel/White Knight dynamic.

He was trashing/devaluing you and the children to prioritize and build intimacy with her:
+Secret relationship and secret phones
+Constant contact
+Deleted messages
+Dismissed your unsettled feelings
+Called you stupid and gaslit you
+Divulged confidential information to OW about you without your permission

You informed OW that their texting was intruding on family time, weekends, and even your date nights. Although she said she understood, their
over-frequent contact continued and things escalated.

OW gushed to you when H left the biscuits after she’d vented to him about her stressful solicitor’s appointment. He also started mending her jewelry. You said, ‘It is almost like she is getting off on causing issues.’

The thread ended with H announcing on a date night that he felt disconnected from you and loved you like a sister. You then read them both the riot act.

Lizzy, it is disturbing that these two self-serving, entitled snakes are still at it. Three months later, it sounds like a sexual/physical dimension has evolved. He is indeed obsessed, he meant what he wrote, and he fully intended to send that message.

This serial cheat is once again making an absolute mockery of you, your marriage, and family. Gather your agency and self-respect and end this farce.

Thank you. I feel less lonely reading this.