What have I done

[Spinning12335]

I ended it. Devastated and terrified. He's all I have( unhealthy I know). There is no family. Kids are asleep, he's gone and I don't know how the hell I'm going to mentally pull through.

Everyone has always said I'm strong because I keep going but I'm so broken inside. I know I'll be fine for the kids but how do I get through the evenings.

I thought I'd be relieved - I've not been able to look at him. Instead I wish I could change it, try to fix one more time. I've never been able to fix anyone I wanted to. So lonely.

Why did you end it?

it’s hard now, and feels so scary but you will get through it and if the relationship wasn’t working you’ve done the right thing x

No friends you can turn to? During my own separation I made a couple of new and close friends going through the same who were previously just acquaintances. Its hard when they first leave....you think you'll be triumphant but noones in the wings with a 'you go girl' banner and a bottle of prosecco. They bloody should be though!

He’s not all you have. You’ve got your children, your flesh and blood, under your roof.

Why did you kick him out?

He did something unforgivable. Don't want to go into details. He's truly remorseful but it's not something I could ever get past.

You can't keep trying 'one last time' eventually one if you has ti call it a day.

The Relief will come in time, you're just missing how you 'thought' your future would look like. Not how it would actually be. You're missing the 'good bits' & having that one person to count on, in the house etc.

it's normal not to just feel relieved & positive 💐

tell us more IF you want to

That's true.xxxxx

"I've never been able to fix anyone I wanted to"

This stood out to me. Many people want to fix someone - that your influence/love helped change them for the better. That is not your job! If he has done something to ruin the relationship, you can move on with your children. Focus on yourself and them, even though it's difficult you CAN do it. xxx

What @Sealover123 wrote is bang on. Why are you looking to fix people? No-one is perfect but if you regard your partner as someone who needs to be fixed, that’s likely to be a recipe for disaster. You might find Women Who Love Too Much a helpful read.

Well done for enforcing your bounds in this case. It must be very painful but you have your DCs and you will get through this.

I've been accused of being cold and unable to support emotionally by him and by my parent years ago. Hard to believe it's not you lacking when it's happened multiple times.

I know this is beyond awful and everything inside is screaming at you to take him back. I've been there. But if you're anything like me you would have taken a long time to get to this point and you know deep down in your gut it's the right thing to do. It will get easier I promise. This part is the absolute worst because you feel so lonely and frightened and full of guilt and grief but it really does get easier bit-by-bit. Just give it time. Your life will get better without a partner who hurt or betrayed you.

Whatever you do don't go looking for another relationship. You need to build self esteem and raise your expectations, and start forming better friendships. This is the problem when people don't have extensive family and friends, they prioritise romantic partners and then when that fails, there's nobody else around.

He is the father yes. Am very concerned about having to maintain contact and not go back on my decision as he desperately wants to.

I have no interest in another relationship at all.

No family. Will be trying to reconnect with friends as have become isolated.

Just a bit shell-shocked to be feeling even worse now than when I was in it. Feel physically ill.

One minute, hour, day at a time.

You can't fast forward but time won't stop ticking and it would be a shame to restart the clock.

X

@Ursulaursula82 I know but it is really really hard. He was so remorseful but there was more and I had no choice.

1 minute, hour, day at a time is a good motto.xx

I do still love him. Even though I can't look at him without thinking about it. He says it was long ago and forgotten about, a dodgy phase. Never looked at that stuff again.

Hmm not sure what this man has done but it doesn't sound good!! I know it's hard and scary but you've absolutely done the right thing if there is no forgiving his mistakes.

I wouldn't go back. It's so hard though- I still see my (ex) husband as a different person to the online one. And he is destroyed - I feel responsible for that even though I know I shouldn't. I love/ hate him. Wouldn't stay but so very hard to let go.

You have your self respect which IMHO has huge worth

He is your familiar. Every time you consider going back remember what he has done. If you can’t forgive that’s your answer. You can do this. He should have treated you with the respect you deserve. One day at a time, it will get better.

Feel physically ill. Every time I feel remotely like maybe it will get better I get another message from him :-(

So block him for now. Take time out from it.

Set up an email account or a burner phone that's only for him. Block him on every other platform.

Bear with the digression, it's relevant-sometimes Children who grow up in chaos and squalor often subconsciously replicate it. They come into care and wet the bed because the smell is safe and familiar. They recreate chaos around them, because they know how to survive chaos. So they pick fights, and throw stuff. Even though a calm, loving environment is better, they seek to recreate the familiar chaos, shouting, fighting.

You are seeking the familiar because you know how to be with it. It's what you know and makes you feel safe.

Remember that. Remember because it's not what you want, it's just what your subconscious seeks out because familiarity feels safe and comfortable, even when it's dangerous!