What have I done

[Spinning12335]

I ended it. Devastated and terrified. He's all I have( unhealthy I know). There is no family. Kids are asleep, he's gone and I don't know how the hell I'm going to mentally pull through.

Everyone has always said I'm strong because I keep going but I'm so broken inside. I know I'll be fine for the kids but how do I get through the evenings.

I thought I'd be relieved - I've not been able to look at him. Instead I wish I could change it, try to fix one more time. I've never been able to fix anyone I wanted to. So lonely.

I don't know what I'm saying tbh. I just want it all to go away and am struggling that's all.

You are 100% not responsible and you are not letting anyone down. You know already that I'm in a similar mess, my life as I knew it is shattered and I'm devastated. My husband is ill, there is no doubt about that now. Nothing I did or didn't do can change that. You must not feel responsible.

@TotallyLosttonight Thankyou. So sorry you are going through this too.

Its not for you to make sense of it or feel guilty about it. The kids are upset for now but again that is on him, not you. Even IF it was a long time ago he was looking at this stuff, you could never look at him in the same way again.

You said there was more stuff too so please keep reminding yourself that it isnt on you and him guilt tripping you isnt on.

Yes it doesn't help getting constant messages about all the good times, old photos and how awful it is we're giving it all up. Followed by a - I'm sorry I'll stop and give you space if you want, it's just the only way I can cope at the moment.

I really need to get another phone sorted. Then I only have to deal with my feelings at least.

'We' arent giving it up though, he messed up and needs to understand and own that.

I would message him and say 'please dont contact me again until I contact you first', the constant messaging feels abusive to me like he thinks he will wear you down if he does it long enough

That's just manipulative of him, and again shows no signs of him taking responsibility. He's not prepared to pay the price of what he has done.

He’s a manipulative shit. Ignore those messages. Block him.

What the hell has he looked at?? Because I’m imagining the worst. And if it is that, there isn’t a single chance in hell that he’d be anywhere near me or my children, whether it’s historic or not.

Ask him to stop the constant messaging. Sending you old photos? So trying to emotionally manipulate you with nostalgic feelings. You need space to really think about what you want for your future and he needs to respect that.

I don't think he's trying to be manipulative on purpose I just think it's his way of coping and he doesn't really have anyone else he's happy to discuss it with. This

I don't want to ask him to stop as I know he is on the edge and suicidal on and off as it is.

Extra phone is the best answer I think- I will sort it tomorrow.

@Spinning12335

When he messages is he asking how your feeling?
Has he asked if your coping?

I would say yes he is manipulative in that he's bombarding you with messages in the hope you will relent.

That's for his own gain. He isn't giving you the space and respect you need by doing that.

It's a selfish act on his part

I can see how anyone would be struggling in your situation yet every reply you are defending his action whatever it may be which sounds bad by the way.

You need to draw a line and step back from it because him constantly messaging is distracting you from being there for your dc emotionally.

You are giving far too much head space to him and not yourself or your children.

Sorry but you need to firm up now and move forward.

His mental health is not your priority here. Your own mental health and that of your children ranks way higher

He asked how I was and suggested coming over so I didn't answer that one as I don't want him here- don't feel strong enough.

It's a very well saying I should focus on myself but he's the suicidal one..... And if it got that far it would destroy all of us including the kids.

I'm supporting dc- most of the messages come though in the evening when they are in bed. I think I am defending him because I feel guilty :-(

You have nothing at all to feel guilty about. You've found out something distressing and shocking that your partner has done, and you have ended it with him. You've done the right thing for you and your children.

He isn't worried about you - he's thinking about himself. He is doing all he can to stay in your head, to guilt-trip you, to make you doubt your decision.

If you genuinely think he's suicidal then call the police and report your concerns so they can check up on him. Even if he is suicidal, that isn't your fault. He created this situation. You're just doing what any sensible-minded person would do.

Stick to your guns. I promise you would regret taking him back, and the pain you would feel would be so much worse than your current pain.

It hurts so much. I'm up and down like a yo-yo. One minute I feel like I can do it and I have the kids, all will be fine, then next I'm a mess and a pit of despair.

I couldn't look at him, felt sick around him and was scared of him by the end though he never hit me so I don't know why. Maybe because his mental state seemed so out of whack. But now I feel as bad if not worse and I don't understand why.

Hoping less contact via phone will help.

@perfectcolourfound He is staying with a friend so they are aware.

Don't second guess yourself for feeling afraid of him OP. Listen to your gut.

You found out that he had been searching for, to get sexual kicks, some of the most depraved things anyone could look for. Even reading your posts on the other thread made me feel really unsettled and sick, I can't imagine how disgusted you must have felt.

That disgust is your body giving you permission to never, ever let this man back into a relationship with you.

There are some sexual kicks that mean a man is a potential danger to women and he ticks the boxes enough that you must listen to your fear (which has correctly made you feel frightened of him) rather than to your guilt.

@Spinning12335

His being or feeling suicidal is not your responsibility

It's on him not you.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

You have done the right thing.

How do you know his issue wouldn't go further?

You've put a boundary in place to keep you and your children safe. His mental state and safety is down to him

He obviously accepts what he did was totally wrong does he?

And he totally accepts and respects your decision to move him out?

He accepts it was wrong but swears there was no more etc etc. He's not a danger to the kids.

Together so long, barely spent a night apart because he hated being apart so much. It's very lonely.

I miss him and feel like I'd put up with all that was wrong and more if he was back :-(

But I can't go back. So instead I'm stuck with feeling like this. It's shit. I'm going to stop going on about it now though. I should probably look at helplines for the low moments.

That sounds like a good idea OP, Samaritans can hold your hand if you're in a dark headspace which nobody would blame you for after the trauma of finding out what he's been doing and then the ramifications of that.

You'll never properly trust him again as your 'safe' person. There's no coming back from what you found so you're right to have ended the relationship and your focus now needs to be on maintaining the emotional distance required for you to start healing.

Have you spoken to your GP to request you have some counselling? It could be really beneficial and help you feel a little more supported when navigating the coming months.

And please don't ever feel you've made the wrong decision. Honestly, your previous thread was so upsetting to read (as in what he'd been looking at) that I felt sick to my stomach.

I can't imagine how you feel and think you should definitely look into support from your GP and a helpline

I will speak to GP/ Samaritans. I definitely don't want tablets. If I'm honest I've always avoided talking therapy out of a fear of having to deal with other stuff from the past. Very conscious that if I struggle the kids won't have anyone so best to carry on if I can.

Perhaps I can give it a go keeping it specific to this.

I think you should be able to seek help for managing the situation you are in, without going into your past. As in, actual advice about your current situation.

I am sure there are specific helplines for families affected by abuse and addiction, sex offenders etc. have a look online see whether anything looks right.

You deserve help from people who know.

OP, I remember your other thread. Well done you for staying strong.

The constant messaging from him must be so hard to deal with, and I imagine that it really messes with your head. I'd bet that he knows this, even if it's also his way of coping as you say.

I understand why you're not keen on talking therapy, but it can be really helpful. You can absolutely keep it specific to your issue at hand. I'd definitely ask your GP about it, I know different areas have different services available.

Most importantly though, I wanted to reaffirm what other posters have said - you haven't let anyone down, least of all your children! You have had a very normal and sensible reaction to something he has done, none of this rests on your shoulders.

Reading these messages really helps thankyou. I am trying not to feel guilty- it's hard when they ask for dad though or for us to live together again. I will contact my GP to ask about talking therapy in the coming weeks.

We spoke- he had contact with the kids this week. The whole marriage has been a lie. Lots came out. I'm so so sad and mixed up but feel numb towards him and know I won't ever go back there- utterly shattered any trust.

Also recognised I need therapy as he replaced by absent dad and fucked up mother so I'm looking for someone to help me deal with that. Something I should have probably done a really long time ago.

He's messed up too it would seem but I have to sort myself and the kids- that's going to be hard enough. Fuck.

Lots came out

You poor woman. Frankly, what you already knew was bad enough.

I hope you can find a way through this.

Does that make it easier for you now? Awful to hear, I'm sure, but at least clarifies your position.

I am sorry.