Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What have I done

108 replies

Spinning12335 · 12/02/2023 22:20

I ended it. Devastated and terrified. He's all I have( unhealthy I know). There is no family. Kids are asleep, he's gone and I don't know how the hell I'm going to mentally pull through.

Everyone has always said I'm strong because I keep going but I'm so broken inside. I know I'll be fine for the kids but how do I get through the evenings.

I thought I'd be relieved - I've not been able to look at him. Instead I wish I could change it, try to fix one more time. I've never been able to fix anyone I wanted to. So lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinning12335 · 14/02/2023 07:40

It is about feeling safe you're right. I went from a chaotic messed up childhood straight to this and finishing it is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. I have to keep telling myself, if this wasn't enough then where would the line be...... Give myself a shake.

Evenings and nights are the hard bit. And his constant messages. Another phone is a good idea- I will try and sort that asap.

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 14/02/2023 07:46

You don't need another phone just block him! Reading between the lines he's a pervert and you've done the right thing.

Original poster
Spinning12335 · 14/02/2023 10:39

He's not.

OP posts:
Ursulaursula82 · 14/02/2023 10:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

picklemewalnuts · 14/02/2023 10:53

Ok, so with a chaotic messed up childhood your boundaries might be a bit dodgy. It can take time to find what 'acceptable' looks like, when you didn't see it growing up.

Are you accessing support anywhere? Women's aid may be able to help, Freedom Programme etc?

TotallyLosttonight · 14/02/2023 10:57

Spinning12335 · 13/02/2023 19:55

I do still love him. Even though I can't look at him without thinking about it. He says it was long ago and forgotten about, a dodgy phase. Never looked at that stuff again.

Op it sounds like you and I are at the same stage. I'm in work just now but will message you later. Maybe we can keep each other strong. Search for my recent thread using my username. I'm so sorry you are in a similar position. I too made discoveries, unforgiveable. He is remorseful and devastated. I am sticking to my guns, he needs to leave.

Shgytfgtf111 · 14/02/2023 11:41

I think the issue is whether you can accept it if it was a while ago during a 'dodgy' phase. It would bother me massively if he watched more than one (say he clicked on one of those type of videos by accident), you dont keep watching them by accident. If he wasnt repulsed by the first one then I would have a huge problem with it.

Thats me though and it may be different for you. I would ask him not to message or call you for a while, to at least respect that request and give you space to think. Constantly messaging you isnt fair and it is quite bullying in a way.

Original poster
Spinning12335 · 14/02/2023 13:36

It was more than one. Definitely not accidental. There are several other good reasons not to ever go back on my decision but it hurts so much and I feel like I'm in shock.

It doesn't help that I feel massively guilty for how devastated he is- he's a broken man and I feel responsible.

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 14/02/2023 13:46

You will go through the heartbroken grief whether you stay together for now or not, because in your heart you know he's crossed a line he can't come back from. So the pain will be there either way. It hurts like hell I know but it will get easier. Stay strong - one day at a time Flowers

Whiskeypowers · 14/02/2023 13:49

Spinning12335 · 14/02/2023 13:36

It was more than one. Definitely not accidental. There are several other good reasons not to ever go back on my decision but it hurts so much and I feel like I'm in shock.

It doesn't help that I feel massively guilty for how devastated he is- he's a broken man and I feel responsible.

If he’s done something that’s so shocking you can’t tell us why the fuck are you feeling guilty?
he’s broken himself

Original poster
Spinning12335 · 14/02/2023 16:02

TotallyLosttonight · 14/02/2023 10:57

Op it sounds like you and I are at the same stage. I'm in work just now but will message you later. Maybe we can keep each other strong. Search for my recent thread using my username. I'm so sorry you are in a similar position. I too made discoveries, unforgiveable. He is remorseful and devastated. I am sticking to my guns, he needs to leave.

Show quote history

Yes please. Would be good to speak to someone experiencing similar

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinning12335 · 14/02/2023 16:05

Whiskeypowers · 14/02/2023 13:49

If he’s done something that’s so shocking you can’t tell us why the fuck are you feeling guilty?
he’s broken himself

Show quote history

Because he says it was a long time ago. He's clearly remorseful. He is more than 'this'? The man I thought a knew is completely different.

Because this hurts the kids not just him. I feel guilty because I made the decision and wonder if I should have given time to forgive. Whilst knowing I could never and feeling bad for that too.

OP posts:
Ursulaursula82 · 14/02/2023 16:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

picklemewalnuts · 14/02/2023 16:28

This isn't a thing he did when he was 17 and stupid.
This is something he actually wanted to do- enjoyed, sought out and pursued- as an adult when he should have been disgusted by it.

You can't stay with someone who enjoys things that repulse any right minded person.

You can't let your DC stay with someone who does.

You can't stay with someone who is really sad he's been found out, and is really sad he's losing his respectable facade, his family.

You just can't.

Original poster
Spinning12335 · 14/02/2023 16:39

He claims it was that long ago in some cases- that it just wasn't deleted. That more recent stuff wasn't as bad. I don't know for sure about the phone. He's not upset about losing the facade, he's genuinely devastated at losing his family.

I love him still though- I thought I just hated him and was disgusted but I love him too still :-(. As soon as the kids aren't about I'm falling to bits.

OP posts:
Ursulaursula82 · 14/02/2023 17:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

picklemewalnuts · 14/02/2023 17:12

So what has he done to prove he understands how wrong it was? Made contributions to charities that support survivors? Signed up for counselling? Started volunteering somewhere?

What has he done? Fine words butter no parsnips. And any amount of demonstrated distress is as likely to be self pity as anything else.

The thing is, OP, he wasn't revolted and throwing his IT away from him in horror, reporting what he found to the authorities, getting his devices wiped so he could get rid of all traces.

If I came across something like that, I'd be doing all of the above. I don't understand how you can entertain him for a minute, given that he hasn't.

I know you are mourning the man you thought he was.... but that man doesn't exist.

figmaofmyimagination · 14/02/2023 17:49

Ok, here’s how you get through the evenings for the next few weeks. Keep busy, it’s the easiest way- you won’t need to do it forever.

  • Cook your and the kids favourite dinners. Take your time over the prep and cooking. Serve them at the table.
  • Do something with them straight after dinner, every evening. Board game, jigsaw, gaming console, episode of a boxset together.

Once they’re down/in their rooms, pick one of the following every night:

  • Do an exercise routine (YouTube have loads, try different types)
  • Have a long bath or shower
  • Some sort of grooming thing- colour your roots, paint your nails, fake tan, whatever
  • Clear out a cupboard or drawer
  • Phone a friend
  • Watch a boxset
  • Hobby type thing- a cross stitch or learn a language on Duolingo or anything that holds your attention

Make contact with someone every day, even if it’s just a “hi, hope you’re having a good week” type text. Write out a list of the friend relationships you want to rekindle and work your way through the list.

If you work, throw yourself into it. Roleplay the most engaged employee ever for a few weeks.

With all of the above, fake it till you make it- pretend you’re loving the opportunity to do it all and after a while, you won’t need to fill the gaps quite so anxiously.

You can do this. You are strong.

Original poster
Spinning12335 · 14/02/2023 18:10

I've told 3 friends. One of the 3 seems to think we could rekindle things later. And there's a lot of love there. She's the last person I thought would suggest that considering her job. She holds the view it's fantasy not real life. The other 2 are the same as you lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinning12335 · 14/02/2023 18:11

@figmaofmyimagination thankyou for those tips. That's basically what I've been trying to do but it's getting harder not easier as the days go on.

He and the kids are my entire family- that's it. Friends are great but they have their own lives. I feel like I've massively messed up.

OP posts:
TotallyLosttonight · 14/02/2023 18:25

Spinning12335 · 14/02/2023 18:11

@figmaofmyimagination thankyou for those tips. That's basically what I've been trying to do but it's getting harder not easier as the days go on.

He and the kids are my entire family- that's it. Friends are great but they have their own lives. I feel like I've massively messed up.

Do not relent, trust me. I promise I will message later, but believe me you are doing the right thing.

Original poster
Spinning12335 · 15/02/2023 07:34

It's so hard seeing the kids missing him and being upset too.

I'm 99% sure it wasn't in the last few months.

It's getting harder to carry on as normal not easier- feeling very fragile.

OP posts:
Ursulaursula82 · 15/02/2023 08:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Original poster
Spinning12335 · 15/02/2023 09:15

I won't and I can't. I haven't looked him in the eye either. In reality I know it hurts almost as much being around him. It's so hard to see these different sides of him as the same person though.

But in the worst moments I do imagine I could forget it all run away with him and the kids and start again. We were so happy in lots of ways. He wouldn't ever hurt the kids they are his life. He is mentally ill and I feel like I have let him- and by extension the kids down.

OP posts:
Shgytfgtf111 · 15/02/2023 09:23

Are you saying a mental illness caused him to look at that type of porn though?