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Original poster

What have I done

108 replies

Spinning12335 · 12/02/2023 22:20

I ended it. Devastated and terrified. He's all I have( unhealthy I know). There is no family. Kids are asleep, he's gone and I don't know how the hell I'm going to mentally pull through.

Everyone has always said I'm strong because I keep going but I'm so broken inside. I know I'll be fine for the kids but how do I get through the evenings.

I thought I'd be relieved - I've not been able to look at him. Instead I wish I could change it, try to fix one more time. I've never been able to fix anyone I wanted to. So lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinning12335 · 18/02/2023 09:20

Well I don't love him anymore..... Which is good because we couldn't have gone back anyway.

The conflict/ confusion I felt has been replaced by intense sadness and hurt so just different I guess. Calmer maybe?

I have to find a way through it- recognise I've very much reached my limit though and need help to do so. Hope therapy is the answer here.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 18/02/2023 10:40

Therapy, and time.

I can't remember if you have looked at the freedom programme? It's very insightful, I believe.

Original poster
Spinning12335 · 18/02/2023 11:00

I haven't. I don't think it was an abusive relationship though. He's just a very unhappy person with lots of issues- took things out on people closest to him. Never intentional. And I should have put a stop to things/ been former anyway - I never stood up to things and did things because I wanted to make him happy not because I wanted to. That's on me really.

OP posts:
pointythings · 18/02/2023 11:01

Spinning12335 · 18/02/2023 11:00

I haven't. I don't think it was an abusive relationship though. He's just a very unhappy person with lots of issues- took things out on people closest to him. Never intentional. And I should have put a stop to things/ been former anyway - I never stood up to things and did things because I wanted to make him happy not because I wanted to. That's on me really.

It's not on you. It's not. Women are not rehab centres for badly socialised dysfunctional men. It was on him to sort himself out.

picklemewalnuts · 18/02/2023 11:21

That's not the point. The freedom programme helps you establish boundaries, recognise unhealthy patterns in relationships. If you had a chaotic childhood, you need help establishing what healthy looks like. It's not about the degree he was abusive, it's about looking after you. Prioritising your health and well-being.

Have you seen the shark cage analogy? It's worth a look. I didn't have a shark cage, due to how I was brought up. My lovely husband accidentally trampled all over me, as he's a bit insensitive and I wasn't sufficiently well grounded to stand up for myself. He was oblivious, not deliberately unkind.

Original poster
Spinning12335 · 18/02/2023 11:39

Maybe that would be a good idea then. I will look. I'm not sure I had many boundaries at all- I'd have done pretty most things if it made him happy. There are parallels between our relationship and my childhood. Though I'm only seeing some of those now. Excusing things because that's what I was used to and because of his mental health. It's only when you talk and see other people's reactions that it starts to hit home it's not ok.

I will do anything to set a good example and helps to raise my kids as strong people - my worse nightmare is them having similar issues/ problems to what I have.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 18/02/2023 14:43

So it's fabulous you've spotted it now! You really are well placed to sort it all out now, for all it must seem overwhelming.

It's ok to grieve for the marriage you thought you had, as well. Flowers

You'll be exhausted, by the way. It's very normal, when these kinds of shocks happen. Try and be kind to yourself.

TotallyLosttonight · 18/02/2023 15:46

Spinning12335 · 18/02/2023 11:00

I haven't. I don't think it was an abusive relationship though. He's just a very unhappy person with lots of issues- took things out on people closest to him. Never intentional. And I should have put a stop to things/ been former anyway - I never stood up to things and did things because I wanted to make him happy not because I wanted to. That's on me really.

You and me both, I feel exactly the same.

Original poster
Spinning12335 · 18/02/2023 16:27

TotallyLosttonight · 18/02/2023 15:46

You and me both, I feel exactly the same.

Show quote history

Xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinning12335 · 20/02/2023 17:15

Told me he would kill himself if I didn't even say there could be a chance of us getting back together. Just begging all the time via text. Not had a chance to get another phone sorted yet. Our mutual friends are messaging asking if I know how low he is and why aren't I working it out with him.

He didn't want anyone to know why we split so I haven't. I have so much shit to think about and sort out including my own head.

I'm getting to the point where I'm likely to just scream at him to do it as long as he leaves me alone. I had enough of this shit with a parent growing up- why the fuck do people think I need to be their support.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 20/02/2023 17:18

Then you need to tell them. Or tell him that if he doesn't back off, stop pestering friends and leave you alone, then you will tell them exactly why.

And you must. You deserve support. If that means telling a few people then so be it. He doesn't get to suck up all the support in the room anymore.

FishandChipsarelife · 20/02/2023 17:53

Threatening to kill himself if you won't say you will sometime entertain the possibility of getting back with him IS manipulative and I think he knows exactly what he's doing. I don't think it is all accidental at all and if he genuinely does think you can get back together after everything you have learned, he's frankly unstable.

Original poster
Spinning12335 · 20/02/2023 18:17

He genuinely really does :-(. That really worries me- he's justified things to himself and doesn't get why I don't see it too. I know it is manipulative behaviour but I still feel it's driven by his mental state not by a desire to manipulate iyswim. I do feel he's very unstable yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spinning12335 · 20/02/2023 18:18

@picklemewalnuts I think you're right I might need to start telling a few people if they don't back off. Because at the moment everyone thinks I'm being a heartless bitch I think.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 20/02/2023 18:19

Then tell the police that you are concerned about him, that he's threatening to hurt himself. They can do a welfare check.

picklemewalnuts · 20/02/2023 18:21

You really need someone backing you up. Flowers
Have you tried women's aid? I can't remember
What about your work, is there any support system there? HR?

Original poster
Spinning12335 · 20/02/2023 19:02

I've been using anonymous mental health lines but I need proper counselling I think at this point. Massive wait with GP so have been investigating private therapy.

His GP is aware and he has meds already. A mental health group and the person he's staying with..... So practically I can't do any more. I might just turn my phone off in a bit to get a break from it. So so tired.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 20/02/2023 19:27

So you've arranged support for him, but not for you!

Do tell someone, ring a confidential helpline, women's aid, anything!

perfectcolourfound · 20/02/2023 19:42

He wants you to lie / not tell his secrets to protect his reputation. But in doing so you are making friends question you, and threatening your 'reputation' amongst your friends.

At a time when you really need friends, it isn't fair of him to allow people to turn against you and feel sorry for him. You need those friends to support you through this vile situation which is all of his creation.

So talk to your friends. Confide the truth in one or two. If you don't want to tell the full truth, then simply say 'He won't let me tell you what he's done, but you need to trust me that if you knew, you would understand why I had to leave him'

If he is low, it's of his own making and there are many people out there who can help him work through that, starting with his GP. It isn't your responsibilty to mend the man who has put you through so much through his own appalling behaviour.

You look after you. Let him look after him.

picklemewalnuts · 20/02/2023 19:49

picklemewalnuts · 20/02/2023 19:27

So you've arranged support for him, but not for you!

Do tell someone, ring a confidential helpline, women's aid, anything!

Sorry ignore me. I misread the first line where you said you're using helplines already. That's good, well done.

monsteramunch · 20/02/2023 19:54

You poor love OP. Definitely tell a trusted few people so that you can have some emotional support yourself and not have to deal with him manipulating other people into emotionally blackmailing you. You matter and your kids need you to be as well as you can possibly be. You're putting them first and to do that you need to prioritise your physical and mental health as much as humanly possible now. Im so sorry this has happened Flowers

Original poster
Spinning12335 · 20/02/2023 21:26

I'll think about telling them. He is telling friends it's because he looks at porn. So obviously they think I'm over- reacting...... He does have access to other support but is choosing to cling onto the hope I'll 'work it out' with him and let him prove himself. I'm dreading seeing him again already. I'm just ignoring most of his messages until I can sort another phone.

He's not once asked how the kids are doing. Other than to say how much better it would be for them if we were back together.

OP posts:
Shgytfgtf111 · 22/02/2023 07:52

If he said that about the kids I think I would have to say something along the lines of 'it wouldnt be better if we were back together for them or me' and keep repeating it. I understand he is threatening suicide but he seems to think he will wear you down in the end with this constant guilt tripping which isnt right, or fair.

Original poster
Spinning12335 · 22/02/2023 09:34

I made it very clear how final it was and he's backed off a bit, just said I hope it's worth screwing the kids up over. Am I sure I know what I'm doing - I've massively over-reacted, it's all fantasy and surely I'm not worried he'd ever hurt me because he's never done anything I didn't say ok to.

I've felt unsettled/ wary around him many times but couldn't pin down a reason so put it down to me being sensitive to people's moods. He has a temper and flips very quickly. But it's always flipped so quickly and back again it's like it never happened. Stuff is always passed off as a joke if I challenge it.

I was beginning to feel like I'd made a good decision and it's so confusing- he's making me doubt myself again.

I'm picking up a separate phone today. I don't care if I'm the crazy one I just can't deal with it anymore.

OP posts:
Shgytfgtf111 · 22/02/2023 10:10

You dont have to deal with it anymore and dont have to justify yourself to him, your friends or anyone else

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