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Original poster

Uncomfortable with his ex

109 replies

Scouse568 · 11/02/2023 10:31

I feel uncomfortable with the relationship he has with his ex. We live together and have been together for 4 years now, talking about getting married next year and the relationship is honestly better than I could have ever hoped for. This is the only gripe I have!

So he is still very friendly with his ex girlfriend, they have no kids together and still work together occasionally. They message every few days and go for dinner every few months which I didn't like but we agreed he would be open and honest about it so I wouldn't find out and he caught off guard. That has been ok so far (just had to deal with my demons).

Anyway this week he was away on a business trip for 2 days. When i was on my way to pick him up from the airport he txt me to say his ex was on the flight too as she had been on the trip. I just feel let down that he didn't communicate that to me before he left, if I hadn't been picking him up then he wouldn't have told me. If I mention it he says I should trust him and I do 100%, I know nothing happened with them. It's more the lack of respect for how I feel that hurts me. She gave me a dirty glare when I met him in arrivals. Am I being unreasonable and is it me who needs to get over this?

OP posts:
supercali77 · 11/02/2023 10:44

He goes for dinner with her alone? Do you ever get invited? Does she ever socialise with you both?

Original poster
Scouse568 · 11/02/2023 10:48

No I don't ever go, it is just the two of them. I don't mind because I know we have a great relationship and are happy. But I do ask for transparency and him to be upfront and honest about it. I didn't feel he was on this trip.
I don't know if I am being unreasonable to ask for that?

OP posts:
supercali77 · 11/02/2023 10:51

You already asked for it though right? And he agreed to it in order for you to feel comfortable with this friendship. So he's not held up his end.

GreyCarpet · 11/02/2023 10:52

I think you're being very naive in being so trusting tbh.

He's maintaining a relationship with her parallel to yours.

SquishyGloopyBum · 11/02/2023 10:52

I think you need to calmly ask why he didn't tell you before. I'd also be asking why she glared at you.

KirstenBlest · 11/02/2023 10:56

Your gut feeling is telling you it's not right.
I know we have a great relationship and are happy. That's what I thought about things too until I found out about the OW.

supercali77 · 11/02/2023 10:56

Youre also saying 2 contrasting things. 'They message every few days and go for dinner every few months which I didn't like' and then 'No I don't ever go, it is just the two of them. I don't mind'

I think you need to be clear with yourself on whether you do or don't mind this

BreviloquentBastard · 11/02/2023 10:58

Got to admire the brass neck on the guy, flaunting his other woman right in front of you and telling you you just have to trust him. It's impressively brazen.

Christmaspyjamas · 11/02/2023 11:00

You seem to think that your job here is to grateful and tolerant.

Literally she is not his ex.

They are in a relationship. They may or may not be having sex but they text, they meet up, they travel together, they work together, they share news, they reminisce about the past, they make future plans. They are in a relationship.

If he had to choose between these two relationships he is in, which do you think he would choose?

Have you asked him why he needs this relationship?

You're being a doormat.

Watchkeys · 11/02/2023 11:04

You're saying you have a great relationship but you're posting on a forum with an issue about a relationship problem that's sufficient for you to feel he isn't respecting your wishes, is too close to his ex for your liking, is going against his word, and is hiding things from you.

If you trusted him, you wouldn't be here. He'd be seeing his ex and you'd be fine with it because you'd feel safe and secure, and he'd be prioritising making sure you felt safe and secure.

How does he respond if you say she's giving you unpleasant looks? Is he defensive of you or defensive of her?

Labradorlove · 11/02/2023 11:07

I was in something like this and in the end I left. Like you, I couldn’t work out if he was on Team Me or Team Her, and we found never join the Teams. It was like a form of intimacy that I wasn’t invited to. The efforts made to include me were not in place. I posted on here at the time, someone says your partner should be your biggest fan, and I knew for as long as he was fawning over her, he couldn’t be mine. Think about it, what is he sharing with her that he can’t share with you? Even if there is nothing physical, the boundaries are blurred by definition.

Purplecatshopaholic · 11/02/2023 11:08

I wouldn’t put up with this if it was me. There’s being trusting, and there’s being too trusting. It’s unfair of him to maintain this ‘friendship’, and I would say it’s me or her. If it’s her you need to follow through though!

MissingMoominMamma · 11/02/2023 11:10

The dirty glare means she doesn’t respect you. That should be a big deal to him.

Watchkeys · 11/02/2023 11:11

MissingMoominMamma · 11/02/2023 11:10

The dirty glare means she doesn’t respect you. That should be a big deal to him.

If he knows about it. Does he, @Scouse568 ?

abcdeg · 11/02/2023 11:13

I can't believe you think this is your fault. You don't have to 'deal with your demons', you don't have to put up with this crap

Original poster
Scouse568 · 11/02/2023 11:14

What I meant is I don't like it but can accept it (don't mind) when he is upfront about it. She is with someone else now which is why he says I shouldn't worry.

We FaceTimed for an hour the night he was away so I know nothing physical happened. It's more the emotional connection I don't like and the keeping it from me

OP posts:
Eleganz · 11/02/2023 11:16

I have to agree with the majority, this would not sit right with me and I would not be pursuing the relationship further.

Shodan · 11/02/2023 11:23

Hold on- he texted you to tell you she was on this trip as you were leaving to pick him up??

Had he not noticed her before? Like, for instance, in the hotel? Had she not, in one of their text exchanges, told him she was also going on this trip? Perhaps before he had even left?

He doesn't respect you OP. If he did, and he was a genuine bloke, he would have told you she would be on this trip before he even left. Or as soon as he found out.

Stop trying to be 'reasonable'. Your 'demons' aren't demons, they are your extremely sound boundaries pushing to make themselves heard.

Dery · 11/02/2023 11:25

I agree with PP - something about this doesn’t really sit right. I have very dear friends of long standing and we only meet a few times a year. Same goes for DH and his friends. Furthermore we have involved each other in our friendships. I think it’s odd that he needs to see her for dinner every two months and that it needs to be kept so firmly away from you. Seems like a bit of a piss-take to me.

RainyDaysareCarp · 11/02/2023 11:25

Labradorlove · 11/02/2023 11:07

I was in something like this and in the end I left. Like you, I couldn’t work out if he was on Team Me or Team Her, and we found never join the Teams. It was like a form of intimacy that I wasn’t invited to. The efforts made to include me were not in place. I posted on here at the time, someone says your partner should be your biggest fan, and I knew for as long as he was fawning over her, he couldn’t be mine. Think about it, what is he sharing with her that he can’t share with you? Even if there is nothing physical, the boundaries are blurred by definition.

Great post!

Original poster
Scouse568 · 11/02/2023 11:28

I haven't spoken to him about it. I was quiet last night and left for work this morning. He knows I am upset just not sure how to deal with it yet. Needed some time to work out why it upset me and was I being reasonable

OP posts:
Original poster
Scouse568 · 11/02/2023 11:31

@Shodan you are right. I am almost certain they were on the same flight out and he would have known well in advance. I think he only told me because I was going to be early at the airport so went in and got a coffee rather than waiting outside. Really upset by this

OP posts:
CallieQ · 11/02/2023 11:32

If they have no kids together there is absolutely no need for him to be still in touch with her at all! Sorry but it sounds like there is something going on

LoekMa · 11/02/2023 11:34

SquishyGloopyBum · 11/02/2023 10:52

I think you need to calmly ask why he didn't tell you before. I'd also be asking why she glared at you.

I'd also be asking why she glared at you.

you should follow this advice OP😂 Ask another person, why a third person glared at you.

Seems stable.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 11:34

Three's a crowd, op. Your boyfriend is very much enmeshed with his ex and that's not going to change. I'd be making my exit if I were you.