Uncomfortable with his ex

[Scouse568]

I feel uncomfortable with the relationship he has with his ex. We live together and have been together for 4 years now, talking about getting married next year and the relationship is honestly better than I could have ever hoped for. This is the only gripe I have!

So he is still very friendly with his ex girlfriend, they have no kids together and still work together occasionally. They message every few days and go for dinner every few months which I didn't like but we agreed he would be open and honest about it so I wouldn't find out and he caught off guard. That has been ok so far (just had to deal with my demons).

Anyway this week he was away on a business trip for 2 days. When i was on my way to pick him up from the airport he txt me to say his ex was on the flight too as she had been on the trip. I just feel let down that he didn't communicate that to me before he left, if I hadn't been picking him up then he wouldn't have told me. If I mention it he says I should trust him and I do 100%, I know nothing happened with them. It's more the lack of respect for how I feel that hurts me. She gave me a dirty glare when I met him in arrivals. Am I being unreasonable and is it me who needs to get over this?

Scouse, your unsettled feelings are perfectly valid. Your P is untrustworthy and manipulative.

You have healthy, reasonable boundaries which P is stomping on. He wants to eat cake and enjoys having 2 adoring, competing women in his ego triangle. He knows that he can get away with his cake eating by shifting the blame to your ‘trust issues’ to put you back in your lane. He is very manipulative, Scouse. Until now he’s been hiding in plain sight, but decided to take it underground for the trip.

He is not going to give up this illicit connection, no matter how uncomfortable you are. He feels gratified by it, and has now lied to you about her.

Is his lying in your relationship a dealbreaker?

Why did they split?

People only talk to exes when they still love them and hope to get back together for another struggle relationship which won’t work out.

do not entertain men who speak to their exes, period,

unless they have a business or child together there is No reason for this expect for the above.

move on.

@Moobae that isn't necessarily true, all circumstances are different. I'm still friends with my ex, just friends.

She's not wrong, still. You only know how YOU feel, you can't tell his thoughts. And it might be case of wanting to get back if one/both is still single rather than actively pursuing each other

I didn’t need to read past that he goes to dinner with his ex. Nope. Im friends with my dds dad, as in, we can communicate about her very well and I like the bloke. But in no way on gods earth would it be appropriate to go to dinner with him. No. Stop that crap right now. They can be polite and friendly to each other, but it should stop there.

She is with someone else so that’s why you shouldn’t worry?! Wtf. No, you shouldn’t have to worry about it full stop, and even then, you shouldn’t be worrying because he loves and respects you and doesn’t want anyone else!

@abcdeg perhaps read my post again, properly.

Sport, who are you? Name change fail?

You're the one who reconstruct my post if that's you, thinking you're clever.

I don’t agree with this.

I'm sorry, I didn't check in after I wrote this yesterday but I'm glad you found it helpful to hear my rubbish experience 😊

I'm really shocked to hear how old he is in comparison to you! I assumed that you would all have been in your late twenties or early thirties at a push. Honestly OP, please don't waste what's left of your thirties on this toad of a man. Neither of them have healthy boundaries with the other one and you're excluded from their world which is stressful and unpleasant. When my ex's ex moved in to their house it made me a completely paranoid wreck! I knew I hadn't been cheated on but that wasn't the point. She'd shown her obsession with him and he'd also shown he was very very reluctant to tell her he couldn't see her alone anymore. When the house thing happened my ex again denied there was a problem and said he couldn't see my issue with it especially as "nothing had happened". It just compounded everything and made me feel like a crazy woman.

You're NOT crazy and what they're doing is wrong. You sound like an amazing woman and a real catch! I was heartbroken after ending it with this fool and I'm sure you will be too, but as others have said, he has no emotional intelligence and he may well be with you for an ego boost and to give the message to his ex "Well if I can pull a successful thirty something year old woman, then why wouldn't YOU still want me?"

I know it's going to be hard especially as you believed he was the one - I also thought that - but he's not. He's put you in a position where you'll always be stressed. Why does he need to do that? Would he be happy if you did the same with your ex?! Ask him that and if he says no, then cultivate close relationships with young hot men if you have no ex available 😂 I bet he'll hate it.

Not sure if this helps but we're all here to hand hold if needed 🙂 You're in your thirties though! Please don't waste time on him. Find someone who is worth it, I'm sure you can Xx

@abcdeg what are you on about?

I'm saying you CAN just be friends with your ex, I am, for years, it works for us. We have both been single and had plenty of opportunity to get back together but acknowledge we want to still be in each other's lives but not romantically.

Obviously I don't know what is in my ex's head, granted.

Know your worth @Scouse568, amazing sex or not please don't accept this behaviour.

Also OP, are you sure you're not with a narcissist? This is a sign of narcissistic abuse. IE triangulating you with exes or other women. Not caring if you object. Saying the problem is yours or you're imagining it/crazy if you object.

As a pp said, he knows exactly what he's doing.

If he is a narc he'll love to see you upset/worried about this. Won't show that but he'll definitely relish it and want to keep you under his thumb.

Also remember, narcissists seem like the ideal person until the mask slips. They come across as immensely charming initially.

So sorry to share this unpleasant idea with you 😞 Xx

Fair play to the old man. Bagged himself a nice young lady while still going to away games.

There is absolutely no reason he needs to spend time with his ex unless it's strictly work related. I think that's weird and I wouldn't be happy. It's just the thought that they are together alone, having meals together when they've been in an a previous intimate relationship and seen each other naked, made love to each other, I just wouldn't be able to get the thought of them doing it out of mind ☹️

It's really disrespectful to you. If it was a one off It would be understandable. I wouldn't get married so soon unless you're 100 percent sure.

He said that you don't need to worry because she is with someone else now. I keep coming back to this - what does he mean? Which of them does that deter? And does that mean it won't be ok if/when her relationship ends ?

The other thing of course is, you thought that when he was seeing her before, she was seeing someone else at the same time. So why would her relationship now, make a difference?

Sorry, but the Facetiming for 1 hour whilst he was away that weekend didn't totally convince me, that could have been the time she was Facetiming her partner/in the bath/ at the Spa/gym.

Honestly I don’t get the insecurity of so many woman on this thread - are none of you friends with an ex? All your relationships that have ended and you just cut them out and never speak to them event again? I find that weird tbh unless it ended very badly.

i used to go out with one of my best friends husband years ago - it’s not a big deal! We hang out together all the time 1 she’s not sitting there thinking omg stay away from my husband. 😂

in really good friends with one of my exes too we text all the time and hang out regularly - go to gigs together 🤷‍♀️ I don’t feel the need to tell my husband every single time I see him it he’s at a party I go to or whatever because I see it as no different to running into any other friend.

if my husband started putting demands on me that I have to inform him of every sighting of this man I’d think he was controlling

Please don't insult or degrade the OP for having a different opinion/different boundaries or an entirely different experience from you.

As explained in my lengthy post, I had/have no issues or insecurities whatsoever UNTIL my then partner's ex made it crystal clear she did not want me to be included in his own birthday party that she'd taken it upon herself to arrange. She also said I was no fun or some such crap to justify her obsessive unhealthy behaviour in him. She deliberately excluded me and he was happy with that. Then a year or so after all of this nonsense, she moved in with him and he thought that was fine.

Don't you think that's all a bit weird?!

Same thing is happening here. The OP is deliberately being excluded from all these cosy dinners and her boundaries have been breached several times. Please don't insult her or others for pointing out this is wrong and victim blame. Good for you if you're happy in your world but it's clearly NOT the same thing as the OPs experience or my own.

@RedDeath614 that's awful. This is the thing with this kind of situation when the ex seems to think that they have some kind of control hooks over your partner. Like their plans are more important than your plans with him. I would definitely see that threatening to my relationship if that was me. Even if I knew my partner had no feeling left towards the ex, the fact that the ex was in clear competition with me would be a good enough reason to ask him not to see her anymore.

@Heyahun

Honestly I don’t get the insecurity of so many woman on this thread

Whether you get it or not is neither here nor there. The thread isn't about your understanding of the world.

This is a very invalidating stance to take.

OP,

He is untrustworthy and he has you bent out of shape trying to accept something that doesn't feel right.

You would be so foolish to marry him.

You have poor boundaries and lack self respect for yourself by putting up with something that doesn't feel right.

He wants it all is own way and you are beating yourself up over it.

This is a deal breaker.

If he genuinely loved you, he would respect you and your position.

Instead he lied about being away with her.

He's a liar and it is that simple.

Why on earth would you consider marrying someone so dishonest?

Hmm you seem to be deliberately missing the point here which makes me wonder about your motives. Are you going abroad with your ex in secret from your husband? Are you arranging to meet ex’s and not telling your ex? Both of these are very different to running into them or going out as a group.

but you know that. You just want to put the op down.

Can you not see the difference between your experiences and the OP's?

You and your exs include your current partners where possible. You don't go out of your way to deliberately exclude your partners and don't hide that you have met any of your exs. You don't go on secret holidays or "work' trips with any of your exs. Your exs also don't give your partner dirty looks when they see/bump into them and ignore them. So when you say to your partner I bumped into X last week and we had drink, they think so what.

The OP is not having this experience.