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Relationships

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Original poster

Uncomfortable with his ex

109 replies

Scouse568 · 11/02/2023 10:31

I feel uncomfortable with the relationship he has with his ex. We live together and have been together for 4 years now, talking about getting married next year and the relationship is honestly better than I could have ever hoped for. This is the only gripe I have!

So he is still very friendly with his ex girlfriend, they have no kids together and still work together occasionally. They message every few days and go for dinner every few months which I didn't like but we agreed he would be open and honest about it so I wouldn't find out and he caught off guard. That has been ok so far (just had to deal with my demons).

Anyway this week he was away on a business trip for 2 days. When i was on my way to pick him up from the airport he txt me to say his ex was on the flight too as she had been on the trip. I just feel let down that he didn't communicate that to me before he left, if I hadn't been picking him up then he wouldn't have told me. If I mention it he says I should trust him and I do 100%, I know nothing happened with them. It's more the lack of respect for how I feel that hurts me. She gave me a dirty glare when I met him in arrivals. Am I being unreasonable and is it me who needs to get over this?

OP posts:

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 11/02/2023 16:14

I'm very close friends with an ex. He is single at the moment but my relationship with him very much includes DH too. They are like brothers.
We visit him on holiday and he comes here. We eat out together, go to concerts and he usually goes with DH to his club on a Sunday without me.
I don't see anything wrong in being close with an ex but she clearly dislikes you and the fact you aren't ever included would bother me and I'm what MN would refer to usually as a 'cool wife.'

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 11/02/2023 16:18

He isnt concerned about your feelings as his priority is his relationship with his ex.

She gave me a dirty glare when I met him in arrivals
she has nothing to lose here. He does. Id trust her reaction far more than his. You just caught him in a lie by omission. And she clearly has a problem with you, either because she is the other woman or because of things he has said about you to her.

halloumi1 · 11/02/2023 16:19

When I first got together with one of my ex’s, his ex was constantly around. They cited that they were still ‘best friends’.
It got ridiculous when she turned up at his house once when I was there, to drop him off some Christmas presents.
I told him how ridiculous it was and I didn’t support it and for all his other unrelated flaws, at least he did listen and stop the contact.
Please don’t feel like this is your issue. He’s taking you for a ride and you shouldn’t have to put up with this, it’s not respectful at all.

ChristmasFluff · 11/02/2023 16:21

Thing is - if she's just a friend, why would you not meet? I love my ex-husband's wife to bits - we are, unsuprisingly, very similar.

I'd find it weird if a partner kept ANY friend from me and didn't want us to meet. Partnership is a sharing of your worlds - and yes, you may meet certain friends and think 'yeah, not my bag, you do you'. But you haven't even done that by the sound of it.

TrishM80 · 11/02/2023 16:21

Arranging regular one-to-one meet ups with exes, even if it's something "harmless" like dinner or cinema, is disrespectful to the current partner. I wouldn't be comfortable or happy with it at all. If it's part of a wider group of mutual friends, sometimes that can't be helped but one-to-one? No need for it!

ChristmasFluff · 11/02/2023 16:25

And yes, @TrishM80 is right. I have seen my ex's wife many times, just us. I'd never see him alone. Nor would he - out of respect for his wife on both sides. Whatever we could have to say to eachother, we can do it in front of his wife.

Pssspsss · 11/02/2023 16:27

BreviloquentBastard · 11/02/2023 10:58

Got to admire the brass neck on the guy, flaunting his other woman right in front of you and telling you you just have to trust him. It's impressively brazen.

Honestly - sorry but this is my feeling too. I reckon they are still doing it 🙊

ItchyBillco · 11/02/2023 16:28

She gave me a dirty glare when I met him in arrivals

It’s been four years? This is seriously weird. I’m not sure I’d trust him to be honest. He’s hiding things from you.

MsDogLady · 11/02/2023 16:32

We have a really good thing.

Not really, Scouse. Your Partner and OW clearly share continuing intimacy, reliance and validation.

*He pursues regular contact and dinner dates with this woman he is attracted to and has a history with.
*Lied by omission about her presence on his trip.
*Disregarded your stated boundary by confiding in her about your relationship and your children.
*She glared at you, which shows that she does not respect you and is not a ‘friend of your relationship.’

The lie, his continued enmeshment, and his disrespect of your boundary are evidence that he is not committed to emotional monogamy with you. OW’s blatant disrespect of you also speaks volumes.

I would walk away and leave them to it.

Pssspsss · 11/02/2023 16:35

Scouse568 · 11/02/2023 11:41

Thank you for the responses. Needed reassurance that it wasn't just me finding this situation weird. My ex husband cheated on me our whole relationship so I probably am more paranoid than I should be because of being hurt in the past. I firmly believe this is just a platonic friendship but I just don't like it and can't get over it

Are you gaslighting yourself or are parroting the shit he’s told you?

you have quite obviously clear boundaries. He’s disrespecting them all over the shop

your past and “insecurities” are either irrelevant to how you feel OR a reason why he should be, if he truly loved and respected you, listening loud and clear to what you are saying.

you aren’t in the wrong here. He is. So he needs to make it right.

whether he chooses too…. 🤷‍♀️ Like someone else said is he team you or team her? Balls in his court kiddo!

Dotcheck · 11/02/2023 16:40

Tbh, the fact that he only told you about her being there when he knew he would be found out. When did he realise she was in the trip? If they chat constantly than he knew the whole time, and didn’t tell you.
That MAY not be physically cheating but who cares? Betrayal is betrayal.

larkstar · 11/02/2023 16:44

If he's in touch with her so regularly it's very unlikely isn't it that he didn't know she would be on the same flight. He's lied to you and for a long time.

MrsCarson · 11/02/2023 16:44

If he loved and respected you he wouldn't be making time for and meeting up with someone who you aren't comfortable with him being around. He's managing to hurt you and make it your fault.

1980sfookup · 11/02/2023 16:48

I wanted to add something from the ex's perspective. I had a male "friend" who I went to football matches with - there was no relationship as such but we slept together often and if honest I always hoped there'd be more. Anyway he met someone and they begun a relationship. We continued our friendship - without the sex - but not for long. His new partner obviously gave him an ultimatum and he just stopped contacting me. I was heartbroken and really angry but eventually I got it and I don't blame her. She knew our history and clearly wasn't going to take any chances. She was right. You should follow suit.

Original poster

Scouse568 · 11/02/2023 16:51

It is exactly that. It feels like this is my fault for having trust issues. It upsets me because I feel like I have worked really hard on myself to get over issues I have. But no matter how hard I try I am not ok with this. When I said our relationship is great o mean aside from this which isn't a everyday issue. We laugh everyday and seem made for each other.

The age gap is not usually an issue as I have been fortunate to have worked hard and built up my businesses so I am at the point of semi retirement (same as him). Our kids are similar ages (I was very young when I had mine) so although we are different ages we aren't in that different places in life. I am ready to go travelling now and so is he.

I just want him to see this from my side

OP posts:

Pssspsss · 11/02/2023 16:59

Scouse568 · 11/02/2023 16:51

I just want him to see this from my side

Stop it! It’s not your fault for having trust issues.

it’s his fault for giving you a reason for those issues to be relevant in your relationship. He’s hurting you and if he gave a shit about you he’d stop the shit that’s hurting you. It’s disrespectful

vamptable · 11/02/2023 17:08

Obviously not every situation is identical and we can't really know for sure, but I've been the ex in this scenario and we were still being emotionally intimate (whilst they were together) which eventually led to physically intimate (as soon as they split). My point being we said we were 'friends' just to hold onto the romantic connection.

I am not proud of it but at the time I was young, and kinda saw it that he had been 'mine' first and for longer, so the new woman he was seeing was largely insignificant to me. She likely sees herself as having a special kind of intimacy, history etc with him that you two don't share.

If they have no kids there is literally no reason for him to be meeting up with her like this. I'd end it as you're clearly not his priority

Shgytfgtf111 · 11/02/2023 17:51

This isn't about trust, it's about respect. Ordinarily I would say people should be allowed to be friends with whoever they want to but in the case where one party feels uncomfortable then there shouldn't be an issue. He should be stopping the contact rather than enjoying the attention of another younger woman. The glaring could well be due to him telling her lies about you to get her sympathy or something.

He needs to understand that there is no place for her in his life in the same way, and that incudes gossiping about you and your kids. It's like he is deliberately bringing her into your private moments to keep her close.

Only admitting she was on that trip because he knew you'd find out is disgraceful.

supercali77 · 11/02/2023 18:01

You dont have trust issues. He broke your trust

breaking the agreement on being open about when they're spending time together
speaking about your relationship with her when you said you weren't happy with this

These are really basic things he hasn't been able to uphold. You don't demand trust, you earn it

CatherinedeBourgh · 11/02/2023 18:02

I'm going to go against the grain here. I know an 'ex' like this and there is nothing at all going on. If she glowers at the new gf it's because she's been told that the new woman is jealous and 'hates' the ex, when the ex just wants to keep what is a good friendship going. She broke it off because she had no more sexual interest in him, so is glad when he has a new sexual partner (their relationship is better when that is the case, as it is more clearly framed as a friendship, which is what she wants!).

If I was your dp, I would find your dictating of my friendships controlling and if given the choice would choose the ex over you, not because my relationship with the ex is more important to me, but because I won't accept anyone dictating who else I have friendships with, regardless of whether they are exes or not.

CatherinedeBourgh · 11/02/2023 18:04

And if they work together, travelling together is not an issue, and there is no reason why he should tell you she was there (unless he was also telling you which ones of his other colleagues were there too). He probably didn't tell you because he knew you would get moody with him over something he had no control over (her being on the same flight as him).

Original poster

Scouse568 · 11/02/2023 18:18

@CatherinedeBourgh I understand they work together and things like this would happen. But I had asked him to be upfront about it and that's the bit which has upset me. If there is nothing to hide why not tell me?

OP posts:

Heyahun · 11/02/2023 18:30

I think your being over the top tbh you obviously don’t trust him otherwise why would this be a problem

id find it exhausting to be with someone I had to tell every detail of every time I go out for a drink work or who’s on my work trip / night out.

if you can’t handle the friendship that’s your problem and should probably just end the relationship and find someone else

gonnabeok · 11/02/2023 18:31

Be very careful OP, my ex and his ex did this and within 6 months it turned out they were sleeping together on work trips.

supercali77 · 11/02/2023 18:37

@CatherinedeBourgh It's irrelevant. When she asked him to tell her. He agreed to it. Then he broke that agreement.

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