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Original poster

Boyfriend always bring up ex partner in conversation?

38 replies

Fallingslowly26 · 08/02/2023 23:07

I (30 F) have been with my current boyfriend for about five months. Things are going really well - we’ve started meeting each other’s friends and families and we’ve told each other we love each other, etc.

a few months before we met, he had split up with his partner of eight years. They had been together since their early 20s and owned a house together, but made the decision to split up after feeling as though they had grown apart over time.

Although I am really happy with him, I can’t help but feel bothered by the fact that he will often make references to his ex in conversation. He definitely has never compared the two of us or badmouthed her - but mainly will just relay anecdotes which involve friends or family members of hers. Or will share stories about travel experiences they had together.

I think because they were together for so long, lots of his points of reference would involve her or things that they have been through together, so it’s natural that she would be mentioned from time to time. I just feel as though it’s happening every time I see him at the moment.

They don’t have any kids together, they don’t have mutual friends that they’re both still in touch with, and they’re not in contact with each other except regarding house matters so realistically, I know there’s no chance of them getting back together. But I think it just makes me feel crap that she clearly is popping into his head quite often.

Should I tell him how I feel about this or am I being petty and just let this go?

OP posts:
silverpinecones · 08/02/2023 23:13

I think others will disagree with me on this one but I have been known to do similar regarding my exs and so I can tell you that at least in my case it doesn't mean I want them back or still have feelings, but just want to tell a story of something that I might feel is relevant to what is going on so I just do because it was something that I did (regardless of who I was with at the time). I know others might think it's thoughtless etc and I do try to be conscious that it isn't all the time but I also don't think I should have to never talk about cool things I did in the past just because they were with an ex.

Of course if you are worried it is showing he misses her or still wants her back that is another thing. I'm just saying that I don't think it necessarily means that. The q is do you trust him I suppose.

On the other hand I have been with my DH nearly 10 years now so all exs are very very much ex and hopefully he wouldn't worry about me missing them! His is a bit more recent isn't it.

Isithotinhere · 09/02/2023 00:00

I would feel uncomfortable too. I think I'd wonder if he was enjoying talking about, for example, a holiday in a specific place, or enjoying the memory of being on holiday with her when things were good.

But I get that they were together for so long that many of his experiences were with her.

Not sure how to handle this one - maybe wait it out and see if his references to her fade in the coming months?

hailer · 09/02/2023 00:22

It is crap in a way, but that all his history, stories as an adult, involves them, but can't change that. Unless he lies or stops sharing, but that won't be good. They were together for 8 years so was good but jot enough to stay together. You are the future to make new memories with

Coyoacan · 09/02/2023 03:21

It is a large part of his life, so he would have to rewrite an untrue version of that time if he wanted to avoid mentioning his ex.

I had that with an ex I'd lived with for four years. He was lovely but we'd drifted apart. But it was a very seminal period in my life, so for a few years afterwards, all my stories involved him. Neither of us were interested in getting back together again.

PloddingAlongHere · 09/02/2023 04:05

Would you feel better if he chnaged the names in his stories as that is all that will happen? He wont think about her less or reminisce less. He'll just chnage the names when telling a story. I personally would prefer it as it is now, 8 years is a long time but in time you two will have more stories togeather

alpenguin · 09/02/2023 04:44

So my partner in the 15 years we’ve been together has never spoken of his exes & I find that weird.

she was a big part of his life and if it’s just recounting stories where she happened to be there then I don’t see a problem. If he was forever reminiscing fondly of their time together that would be different but you can’t live with someone and be together a long time and not refer to them without it seeming odd. If he was telling these stories and never mentioning her you’d wonder why too.

BotherThat · 09/02/2023 04:50

Has he fully processed the split? If you met him only a few months after the end of an eight year relationship, I’d say he was still dealing with the emotional impact of the end of his relationship.

Zanatdy · 09/02/2023 04:51

I think it’s healthy to a certain extent to talk about ex’s and not have to hide your past. My ex (father of DC) was very jealous and after the initial courtship phase I learnt I couldn’t talk about ex’s without him getting the hump. When I met my current bf he asked me on date no 1 about my ex, I asked about his and we regularly mention them if it’s something relevant. There’s no jealousy, it’s a nice change. Speak to him if it’s upsetting you a lot, but be wary that he doesn’t have to re-write history.

Summer2424 · 09/02/2023 05:08

Hi @Fallingslowly26 i had a similar situation, my husband was with his ex for 10 years and every now and again he would mention her. We booked a holiday to a really romantic destination which he had gone to with his ex so all i heard was 'we went there, we visited this place, we ate this'. I had to say something, i said i just wanted to know if he still has something for his ex as he mentioned her quite a few times. My husband apologised and said he didn't realise he was doing that, he felt really bad about it.
We still talk about ex's but there's a limit.
Hope the above helps x

Rockingchai · 09/02/2023 06:39

Myself and partner came out of very long relationships 2 years before meeting. We both talk about our exes. There is no chance that either of us want to get back with them but part of our relationship has been about processing the end of long marriages, talking about what went wrong, how love can change, how sex can stop. It has actually been something I’ve found really helpful - and 18 months in, I’m still getting to know him and I find stories of him and his ex, their travels etc really interesting as it helps me visualise his past.

Watchkeys · 09/02/2023 07:13

He's your partner, so, if he's right for you, he's going to want to know how you feel, especially if he's unwittingly doing something that bothers you. Be clear with him: you don't think he's doing anything wrong, but it makes you feel uncomfortable. His response will either make this issue disappear, or prove that he prefers talking about his ex to being mindful of your feelings.

Talk about how you feel, rather than what he does. If he loves you, he'll listen, and stop mentioning her.

stealthninjamum · 09/02/2023 08:05

My partner and I had also come out of relationships quite soon before we met and he’d mention holidays he’d had with his ex, places they’d been. I used to find it really annoying as I tried not to mention my ex of 20 years.

4 years later and he never talks about her. I think once he’d run out of stories and we’d created new memories and in-jokes it naturally stopped.

Flittingaboutagain · 09/02/2023 08:05

My husband and I were both married before and for many many years from young. It takes a long time for your frame of reference to be updated if every new thing you discovered or place you went to was with a previous spouse. It's not personal and says nothing about you.

GOODCAT · 09/02/2023 08:17

I had this and we agreed he wouldn't mention it. No issue with "I did this or went there" but the need to mention "we did this or that" bothered me. We have now been together far longer and it wouldn't bother me now, but I didn't want the regular references.

xfan · 09/02/2023 08:49

It seems that a lot of people shack up soon after ending long term relationships... maybe the inability to be alone for considerable amount of time?

billy1966 · 09/02/2023 08:58

He has jumped into a relationship very soon and you are part of processing his ex.

It's making you feel crap listening to this.

Dump him and tell him why.

You are not his free therapist.

JoanCandy · 09/02/2023 09:04

I think it’s a good thing that he doesn’t ‘bad mouth’ his ex.
I’ve had similar myself and it does get a bit irritating, I agree, but it will fade over time as you do more stuff together and share experiences.
If everything else is going well I’d try and ignore it.

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 09:06

Their relationship was a big part of his life. Would you rather he didn't tell you stories of his past and pretend it never happened?

SleepySlumber · 09/02/2023 09:41

My boyfriend was with his ex 10 years and does this. I wish I didn’t but I tend to get the hump or at very least point it out when he does it.

One Instance recently was me complaining of a pregnancy related illness and him just saying “oh [my ex] had that too.” Which is fair enough but why do I want to know or care that his ex had something lol.

I just think sometimes people don’t think! I could easily bring up my exes regularly but I am more aware that it’s past talk and my boyfriend doesn’t want to hear that.

Definitely just point it out as it’s good to communicate. I bet he has no idea he’s doing it and tbh even for me not mentioning the other person and just saying “I had that in my last house” is better for me than my boyfriend saying “we had that in our house” which he often did say “we” about him and his ex rather than me and him - which I found weird, especially if we were in the presence of others and i had to reiterate that the "we" wasn't about me at all!

it’s a learning curve but the longer you’re together the easier it’ll be and the less it’ll happen. I’m trying to think of a default reaction to give that’s less grumpy when he does mention his ex.

DemonHost · 09/02/2023 10:05

It’s very thoughtless at the least.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 09/02/2023 12:16

He's spent most of his adult life with her. If you tell him not to talk about her, then he's not going to be able to talk about his past to you, and how shit is that? Funny stories, places he's been, things he's done. He's going to want to talk about them and then feel like he can't, or obfuscate the story, or wait for the inevitable "Who did you go there with". It's stifling.

Everyone has baggage, whether it's an ex, or 5 exes, or kids with someone else. The only person making that baggage a problem is you and your insecurity

Livelifelaughter · 09/02/2023 12:30

I think it's most likely because you two have been together 5 months and won't have many reference points together just yet. With my bf I have said that I don't want to duplicate experiences he shared with his ex so obviously it would be mad to say "I never want to go to Paris" but more that I wouldn't want to stay in the same hotel. I can understand where you're coming from but I feel that you might be over thinking it.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2023 12:35

Sorry, but you're the rebound.

sleephelp2022 · 09/02/2023 12:46

Coyoacan · 09/02/2023 03:21

It is a large part of his life, so he would have to rewrite an untrue version of that time if he wanted to avoid mentioning his ex.

I had that with an ex I'd lived with for four years. He was lovely but we'd drifted apart. But it was a very seminal period in my life, so for a few years afterwards, all my stories involved him. Neither of us were interested in getting back together again.

I'm with this poster. I was in a similar situation.

At the end of the day OP, 8 years of his life was with this person - what do you expect him to say? Erase and not talk about the last 8 years? It will fade, once he has more stories and 'life' to talk about. The fact that he is able to comfortably talk about past experiences suggests to me he's over it and trusts you enough to not be jealous or take it any which way.

I personally would find it odd if he never mentioned his life the past 8 years. If in 12-24 months time it's still hot topic, maybe that's when you can be like okay stop. But for now accept he has a past and he can't erase it or not talk about it, otherwise, what does he have to talk about?

You'll make your own memories together, it will take time.

LadyJ2023 · 09/02/2023 12:54

Unfortunately it's part of life you can't suddenly eradicate his long memories. Tbh I used to in the first few months just general because clearly ex involved in family holidays places we went etc..Meant nothing just simply relating a story or pointing out I had been somewhere. Now I've re married and 4 years on I have brand new memories it just took a few months for my brain to re start and save the new 😅 ..dont let it upset you and ruin what sounds like a good relationship I can guarantee he isn't doing it to hurt or be malicious 🙂

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