Boyfriend always bring up ex partner in conversation?

[Fallingslowly26]

I (30 F) have been with my current boyfriend for about five months. Things are going really well - we’ve started meeting each other’s friends and families and we’ve told each other we love each other, etc.

a few months before we met, he had split up with his partner of eight years. They had been together since their early 20s and owned a house together, but made the decision to split up after feeling as though they had grown apart over time.

Although I am really happy with him, I can’t help but feel bothered by the fact that he will often make references to his ex in conversation. He definitely has never compared the two of us or badmouthed her - but mainly will just relay anecdotes which involve friends or family members of hers. Or will share stories about travel experiences they had together.

I think because they were together for so long, lots of his points of reference would involve her or things that they have been through together, so it’s natural that she would be mentioned from time to time. I just feel as though it’s happening every time I see him at the moment.

They don’t have any kids together, they don’t have mutual friends that they’re both still in touch with, and they’re not in contact with each other except regarding house matters so realistically, I know there’s no chance of them getting back together. But I think it just makes me feel crap that she clearly is popping into his head quite often.

Should I tell him how I feel about this or am I being petty and just let this go?

What silverpinecones said.

I fully understand how you feel but if he's mentioning her conversationally rather than in personal detail then think it's because they were together for most of his 20s and 30s (assuming you're about the same age) and so he probably hasn't got that many stories of his adult life, holidays, festivals, weddings etc without her in them.

You could watch and wait to see if it stops but if you really like this man and don't suspect any lingering feelings or inappropriate contact then it might actually be helpful to approach it head on (but gently).

Maybe 'I don't think you realise you're doing this but I wanted to bring it up as if I'm honest, it is happening a lot and it doesn't make me feel great. You tell a lot of stories and anecdotes about the things you and Sally did as a couple. I acknowledge you were together most of your adult life so have done a lot with her. That is fine. I assure you I do want to hear about your experiences and am comfortable with the background knowledge that she was probably there. But I'm your new partner and you can imagine it doesn't feel great having to hear about her parts in them so often. Can you do me a favour and continue to tell me about your experiences themselves but not so much of the 'once Sally and I...' please?'

You could make the point you've no problem discussing goings on with the house etc, just are getting a bit tired of her name always coming up in chats about past things.

I feel like he might just be a bit set in his ways. She was part of the furniture for years and they lost the spark hence no feelings arising for him when her name is mentioned, he wouldn't have any idea of speaking out of turn. Maybe just a gentle prod before it goes too far and puts you off what sounds like a promising new relationship.

Tell him how you feel. He should stop talking about her. Simple.

Don't ever mention it. You're an idiot for even considering that. He want to talk about his life, all but the last 5 months of it included people you don't know and unless you spent your life under a rock yours will too.

It is good he does not say anything bad but I think he has not taken time alone to process the break up and he will keep talking about her once you let him do so. As another poster said you are not his therapist. I would date him but do not get overinvested so early on in the relationship and keep up your own interests and friends. Start mentioning your exes and if he says anything tell him that he mentions her all the time. He has not mentally or emotionally moved on yet. I had an ex that did this and got fed up hearing about his holidays etc all the time with ex, nothing to do with jealousy or insecurity on my behalf just boring and showed me how selfish he was, hence he is an ex.

Some very insecure people about. It's been five months and he's had a full life beforehand.

Well no, it's not about being insecure. She just doesn't want to hear about him and his ex all the time, or her family if they're no longer in touch. There are no kids so she isn't a substantive part of their lives now. He can talk about his past experiences without going into her being there. It just takes a bit of discretion and wording things a bit more carefully.

I don't think there's anything wrong with either of you.

A large part of his past involved her, it is natural to reflect on it and talk about it.

As his new partner, it is natural for you to feel you'd rather he did that with other people.

You can have that conversation respectfully without coming across like you're paranoid.

I think it's unhealthy and see a red flag.

So what if they were together for x amount of years and we're buying a house. It's over, so he doesn't need to keep reminding you.

If he needs therapy or a counsellor then he should look into getting one and not use you for that purpose.

What he's doing sounds disrespectful and he's probably not ready for a new relationship.

It’s the element of time.

It’s such early days after the split and he will create new memories going forwards.

I don't understand people who keep speaking their exes into their current relationship. Its rude, for one thing. If you can't shut up about your ex you're unable to let go of your past in which case, try to get your ex back then. That'll maybe cure your mentionitis. But dont use your current partner as your ruminating sounding board. If they put up with it I imagine their self-esteem is low and you know it.

If you want to stay with him OP then tell him its not on. He can speak to a mate or a Counsellor, surely. Youre not his therapist. A man whos newly out of a relationship and still boring on about his ex should be a friend you're getting to know with a possibility of future relationship, at this stage. Yet here you are already writing about how uncomfortable he's making you feel. It doesnt do to move too fast in these type of situations. Protect your peace.

Imagine if he he lived with you for years and then you split up and he ye never mentioned you again op? THAT would be weird.

Also if you're both 30, he's probably done a lot of growing up with his ex. And it's normal to recount experiences had.

Trouble is they're quite new and he is (or was at the time of writing the OP) just a bloke who goes on about his ex all the time. Hopefully he will find a balance in time but it's not all about his needs. The relationship has more of a chance if he makes OP feel like she's the important one.