Looking for some dating advice!

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Looking for some dating advice.

I'm going on a date at the end of feb through a professional dating agency!

I am 30 years old! I have decided not to have children as I have health problems I would not want to pass on etc

I therefore told the dating agency that I would like to meet someone who already has kids. As I have heard (especially a lot on here) of men saying they don't want them then changing their minds and fucking off with someone and having kids. I would rather save myself the heartbreak.

Anyway, the dating agency said that's fine no problem! Matched me with a 39 y/o with a 3 year old and 6 year old!

I think I had kind of hoped for someone with kids older/university age where the kids aren't around as much!

3 &6 are very young! Has anyone any experience of dating someone with such young children? Would you advise to avoid it? Is it not worth it?

Truthfully, I don't have an interest in bringing up someone else's children/taking part in bringing up someone's children! I have heard it's a thankless task!

I know it's only a date etc but I would have to travel a good bit so sort of thinking now, is there any point?

He is separated so must of been married, I think I've also read women saying to be very Cautious of a man who would leave a relationship/such young children....so again is this something to be wary of?

Advice would be much appreciated! I was out of the dating game a very very long time (most of my 20's lol) so last time I was dating it was carefree snogs with other 21 year olds...now it all seems very mature...an almost 40 year old with two kids! I've missed the fun part in the middle!

🙃

Also unsure if there is a separate 'dating' thread I should put this on! Or if relationships is okay

What age range did you give the dating agency to find suitable candidates? If you wanted them to have only older / uni-age kids you'd be looking for men likely to be mid-40s at the youngest. Thinking about most of the men I know in their early 50s, even at that age lots still have children in last years of school or just gone to uni.

@FireandBrimstone - I gave them an age range of up to 45! Though I can change that and tell them 50!

Because I was thinking well if someone had kids at 30 then their kids would be 20 now if they themselves are 50, and wouldn't be around as much?

PS,

I don't mean to sound like the wicked witch lol, I just imagine it to be challenging, so was looking for some advice/opinions!

Yes... but on the other hand, do you really want to get into a relationship with someone 20+ years older?

Aside from that, and going back to your other concerns in your first post, it sounds as if some of the criteria you have set are based on quite fixed and narrow judgements of reasons why men might be single, what they might be looking for or what would make them stay.

It feels like you might benefit from going into this with a little more open a mind. As you get to know someone their reasons for where they are now will emerge. Or maybe the dating agency can help set some of your immediate concerns aside? After all you're paying for that selection process and therefore should be able to go to your first date with reasonable confidence (or at least more than those meeting through the apps and going on a pic and a two line bio alone)

When I was dating it was surprising how many older men in their early 50s had young children. One was a grandad at the same age although he tried to hide it.

I did go out with a man with children about that age and it was hard work. We only ever managed one Saturday night a fortnight as one or both of us had the kids the rest of the time.

There are some older men who don’t have children and don’t want them. Can you find one of them? Surely you need someone free to meet up when you like.

Having dated a man with kids of that age - never again!

honestly you’re better off taking your chances with a man who says he doesn’t want kids than having the grief of step parenting, whatever the age of the kids.

It’s not just a thankless task. It’s agreeing that you will never be his priority - never be able to make decisions for the two of you without considering his DCs (and probably their mum too).

It’s accepting that you’ll always be viewed by his family and friends as “not his proper partner” because the sainted mother of his children will always occupy the role of main and proper partner.

It’s accepting that every evening out and holiday will be interrupted by phone calls and very urgent messages from his DCs and his ex, Christmases and birthdays will be minefields to navigate, money will always be an issue, even being concerned about how his inheritance will work in the event of his death, and whether his kids inherit his half of your home and force you to sell up etc.

Just don’t do it. If you happen to meet a single dad and hit it off, fair enough, but if I were paying an agency to find my ideal mate, I can assure you that a single dad wouldn’t get a look in.

@FireandBrimstone - I know, I am not that keen to be dating someone 20 years older, but I feel like options would be more limited for me anyway

The dating agency seem pretty target driven and I think their concern is just getting you on a date because that is one match they have made! ...I'm not sure I made the correct decision in signing up! It has been getting very bad reviews

@Buymyselfflowers - really?! Men in their 50's with young children! I would of thought men that age would have mostly Grown up kids! But yes I am looking for someone with more time on their hands, and someone who doesn't want kids would be ideal but I hear it's rare! I have heard of men even in their 40's deciding for the first time they want them!

@ItsAnOrgasmNotAFabergeEgg - love the username lol...but thank you for your honest post. I feel like for me dating someone who says they don't want kids is just too risky! Because most likely they will. I always wanted to meet someone and have a family with them, but this has changed due to health problems...it would honestly break my heart to meet someone and fall in love and then see them walk away and set up family with someone else....in a way choosing someone who already has kids is sort of self preservation for me!

I do think the never being their priority would be a bit shit though...but maybe his friends/family don't like his ex partner? She might not be sainted?

And I'm not sure I would want to go on holiday with someone else's children! I would like it

Would every evening out really be interrupted by them though? They are young kids so should be in bed by the time we would be heading out anyway lol

I don't think with this guy money would be an issue as I do know from looking him up he is wealth/well off/ has a very well known business...but then I know he will obviously have to give his ex wife plenty of money which is understandable!

But yes I guess it's not my 'ideal mate' but my ideal mate will want a family of his own 😌

My DH has kids. They were 3, 13 and 14 when I met him. He has 50% custody.

I like kids but never wanted my own.

To my older DSSs I've always just been dad's partner/wife due to their age but I've played an active part in bringing up my DSD which was something I embraced and love doing. We are very close and I love her like she's my own.

As they're living in my house 50% of the time I think it would be impossible to not take on some sort of parenting role. If the guy only has them every other weekend then it might be possible for you to take a hands off approach so I think you'll need to establish how involved he is with his kids.

I absolutely understand why you wouldn't want to bring up someone elses kids, it can be hard work and it's definitely not for everyone. If it's not something you're interested in doing I'd say this probably isn't the right guy for you. It also wouldn't be fair on the kids.

Also my DH is only 34 and his boys are 15 and 16 now so you don't necessarily need to find a man in his 50s if you want someone with older kids. Granted he had them really young.

I like the idea of a professional dating service!

@Laurdo -

Thank you for your post!

did it not really impact on having alone/romantic time with 50% custody? Being truthful I wouldn't want to share my date nights with someone else's kids! Or holidays for that matter!

Yea that is what I was thinking though, it could be someone who had kids young, so wouldn't necessarily be in their 50's

@coodawoodashooda - I am starting to regret it lol....of course the bad reviews for this agency only appeared online AFTER I had paid the non refundable fee 😡

I have male friends who have always said they don’t want to be dads and have stuck to that. One ended up in a serious relationship where the woman changed her mind and wanted a baby and he ended it as he was clear he still really didn’t.

If go back to that idea and just be very sure of your opinion on it and vocal that you won’t change your mind about this important matter as you get to know someone or become more serious.

@Tumbleweeder - I would really like to meet one of these guys who doesn't want kids but it seems so rare!

Even guys who I knew were players/bachelors for a long time ( not guys I was personally dating) , it's like a switch gets flicked and they set up home very quickly and all of a sudden! I would be constantly worrying someone would leave me to go have kids with someone else

At the end of the day..it's just a date. Look at it that way. It's highly doubtful you'll meet 'the one' first time, and I mean that respectfully, it's just the way it is. Go for the experience. And, if you do like him, who knows..
You say you don't want children due to health conditions, but I can assure you, bringing up children is not a thankless task. I am a mother and also a step parent and neither role is thankless. Trying at times but not thankless.
You could still have an amazing relationship with someone closer to your age, who has children half the time ( or less, as is often the case), in comparison to settling for a man who has much older children, who in turn, is older themselves..to be honest, the age gap may pose more of an issue..

I think dating someone with kids from a previous relationship is more risky than dating someone who says they don't want kids. You can always talk about them getting the snip when and if you get serious, because of they really don't want kids, then that's a no trainer as it saves all the risk and hassle of contraception. If they decline, then they're either not being genuine or they're a wimp.😀

And yes, the snip can be reversed (no guarantee it will work), but I don't think it's the sort of operation most blokes want to go through twice.

Whatever you decide, going with someone with kids isn't the way. You might find he wants another with you so it's "yours".

Not the point of this thread I know, but would love to hear how you get on with the date via the agency. I’m giving up hope with OLD. Are the agency men any better?

I always check that any potential OLD have kids that are older than mine or they don’t want any kids. I’ve had a couple of bad experiences where a bloke seemed to want to rush to introduce children, I always declined as I felt as if I was being lined up for potential child care. There are some seriously lazy men OLD that want a free housekeeper and nanny.

I would not go there.

My DP is 44. He has a child aged 22. We met online. I am 40 no kids. He says he wants no more. I am on the fence. But I love him and want to be with him, getting older. So I need to decide will for kids or right partner. My DP is winning.

you might find a guy like that.

Separated but not divorced? I wouldn't date anyone with a 3 year old. They are very young and have lots of needs at that age. Have you chatted to him or if the date the first contact you'll have? I'd want to know lots before agreeing to a date.

How long has he been separated?
Why did they split?
How often dues he has the dc?
How far away from his dc does he live?
How well does he co-parent with his ex?

I'd be wary of a man who is not yet fully adjusted to being a single dad, a man who is subconsciously looking for a girlfriend to provide free childcare, a man who is not yet divorced, a man who separated from his dcs' mother when they were so young, or does he want to keep you totally separate? and a host of other things.

I am committed to being single because I've had too many bad experiences and I decided it wasn't worth it. I wish I'd had mumsnet before I was online dating because it would have saved me a lot of hassle. Since being on her my standards are very high and no one is likely to meet them 🤣 Read the relationships board and the online dating threads and you'll get a wealth of advice without needing to ask for it.

Good luck, I'm an old romantic at heart despite my personal situation and approach.

Truthfully, I don't have an interest in bringing up someone else's children/taking part in bringing up someone's children!

I would call the agency and tell them to only match you with people who have children aged 15 plus or whatever age you feel would honestly be acceptable. It doesn't make you a bad person, quite the contrary. Save yourself, and him the bother of the effort of a date and his kids from having you as a potential reulctant stepmother if he walks in looking like a dream ticking all your other boxes!

It's an absolute non starter for you, from what you've written. Yyou owe the agency absolutely nothing, and you're well within your rights to adjust your perameters as you go through the process. There are all sorts of blokes out there, with all sorts of baggage and some with none, it's absolutely possible to find one that suits you.

Don't try to make this one fit, it clearly doesn't.

@FenghuangHoyan - more risky in what way? The relationship not working out or more me personally being unhappy with the relationship?

@WithCat - I can certainly let you know how it goes. I Am. It mainland UK, I am Ireland. Some of the reviews are disheartening!

@Winemygoodenemy- it would be good if I could find someone like that yes!

@AutisticLegoLover - thank you for your detailed post. So basically the date is the first contact I have with him! The agency book a dinner at a restaurant and I give the owner of the dating agencies name! The agency just give you the guys name, his job, his hobbies, etc before meeting! But the girl accidentally said his second name to me on the phone lol, so I googled and found him/the company he owns etc.

Why is it worse that he is not yet divorced? Because they could get back together? And in terms of him separating from the childrens mother when they are so young, in what way is this worse? Is it because it shows he has given up easily?

Sorry if my questions seem stupid, but I am way way out of practice and I think I'm a little naive and inexperienced!

@WitheringTights000 both. You want a relationship with a guy and don't -iirc - want any kids ideally as you want the relationship to be you two and not him and someone else's kids. I'm a step parent (who said they'd never date someone with kids...sodding hormones took over) and it's a thankless task at times and you can feel like a second class citizen.

I also think that if someone has split up with someone previously, then they are not likely to view a future relationship as quite so sacrosanct as sometime getting married for the first time. Also, as I say, the dad might get the idea they want kids with you, even though they already have some. They might convince themselves that you and they would be awesome parents and it's just what your relationship "needs".

I just think of you go into a relationship with kids, you're risking missing out on a single guy with no kids and interest in them. They do exist. I don't think many guys age 30 exist with kids older than about 8 though.

@FenghuangHoyan - yea very true! I want a relationship but just the two of us, plenty of time for fun and holidays without having to factor in children etc

Would you say overall though you don't mind that much being a step mum?

And yes I would ideally Love to find one of those guys, I'm Just not so sure they exist....

All I hear are stories of women being left and the guy running off to have kids with someone

Bumping for the late night crew as I'm a night owl/work late and keen to hear more wise Mumsnetters have to say 😊

I think you should go on the date for the night out. Its good you're not deluded about the step parent thing. I'm a single parent who is very single. I wouldn't want to have someone else's kids to consider either.