Looking for some dating advice!

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Looking for some dating advice.

I'm going on a date at the end of feb through a professional dating agency!

I am 30 years old! I have decided not to have children as I have health problems I would not want to pass on etc

I therefore told the dating agency that I would like to meet someone who already has kids. As I have heard (especially a lot on here) of men saying they don't want them then changing their minds and fucking off with someone and having kids. I would rather save myself the heartbreak.

Anyway, the dating agency said that's fine no problem! Matched me with a 39 y/o with a 3 year old and 6 year old!

I think I had kind of hoped for someone with kids older/university age where the kids aren't around as much!

3 &6 are very young! Has anyone any experience of dating someone with such young children? Would you advise to avoid it? Is it not worth it?

Truthfully, I don't have an interest in bringing up someone else's children/taking part in bringing up someone's children! I have heard it's a thankless task!

I know it's only a date etc but I would have to travel a good bit so sort of thinking now, is there any point?

He is separated so must of been married, I think I've also read women saying to be very Cautious of a man who would leave a relationship/such young children....so again is this something to be wary of?

Advice would be much appreciated! I was out of the dating game a very very long time (most of my 20's lol) so last time I was dating it was carefree snogs with other 21 year olds...now it all seems very mature...an almost 40 year old with two kids! I've missed the fun part in the middle!

🙃

I'm not really okay with the kids. I just have said someone with kids so they don't leave me to go and have kids with someone else.

OP, this sounds very unrealistic. Choosing to be a stepmother is a massive responsibility. Larkstar wasn’t insulting you but trying to help you look at this more clearly. Someone with kids may leave you for someone else with or without kids. Please heed the advice you’re getting. and seek a man who doesn’t want children.

@determinedtomakethiswork - thank you so much for the Link to the podcast, I am going to give it a listen this weekend

@Ofcourseshecan - I know it seems like a massive responsibility! Maybe I am being too negative though and to set in my ways! I can't say most peoples responses have filled me full of confidence.

I am going to go on the date anyway just for the experience! I do feel very nervous though,

Good luck and let us know how it goes

As everyone has said, a lot of men who are in your age category 30-45 have youngish kids. Even older up to 50 do, I know as I don't want to date anyone with young kids and it's quite hard to find them at my age (early 50's). A lot of men have kids when they are late thirties, forties with slightly younger women, so there's a lot of divorced dads in your age group.

you can go older, you can specify only over 16's (ruling out most of your age group with kids) and you can specify someone who doesn't want kids.

But it does take a huge chunk out of your demographic.

I would get back to the agency and let them know.

@Highdaysandholidays1 - I know it cuts out a huge chunk of my demographic if I so that! I would be so heartbroken though if I guy I was with ran off with someone else to have kids

Just read this article in the daily mail, this dating expert reckons that divorced men are great to date and that everyone should try it.......

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-11484459/JANA-HOCKING-divorced-men-secret-success-dating-world.html

I hope you don't get my xh.

WitheringTights000

everyone I’ve dated my age is divorced 😂

hardly a rare beast are they

I think anyone with kids and an ex husband would hope the same.

@coodawoodashooda - I'm Irish/in ireland so unless your husband is also Irish and in ireland then I doubt it

@Thisisworsethananticpated true. I am omitting a huge demographic if I won't date anyone divorced. But according to the agency he is separated not divorced! I can't say I know anyone my age who has ever dated a divorced guy though so I don't even have anyone I personally know to ask what it's like!

@GoldDuster - don't know if your comment is directed at me! But I haven't said anything worse than others on this thread...people haven't been overly positive about dating single dads...

Don't even go on the date. Ask the agency to find someone with older children. Take it from me (unless you want your life to become difficult and have the fun sucked out of it. xxx

If you gave them up to age 45 they're very unlikely to find a man who has uni age children... it's just a maths thing. Most are age 30 absolute earliest before they have kids now.
Last of men don't want children, or are totally unbothered either way, and it seems a shame to write them off. Can't you just be honest on the first date that you're not going to change your mind about children as it's for health reasons. Then they can decide themselves if they're interested or want to keep the door for kids open.

@stepkidscopingstrategy - what have you found the most difficult aspect of it all? Dealing with the ex wife or lack of time alone together etc? I take it you have a stuck it out given your username? lol

@YukoandHiro - my parents were around 45 when I was uni age! It's not impossible! I know some couples who had their kids late 20's and will only be a few years over 45 when their kids are uni age. I can be honest yes. But I think a lot of men are not. A lot will say they don't want kids then all of a sudden maybe years later change their minds and bugger off

I think you're not really understanding my point. It's absolutely your perogative to be very clear that you do not want a relationship with a man with young children, for all of the points you have raised.

Good on you for knowing that about yourself, I think that is honest and admirable.

What isn't particularly brilliant is that despite knowing this, you're going on a date with one because a dating agency have told you it's a good idea. I think you're right when you say that the dating agency are just trying to tick you off with five dates, because either you've not been upfront with them, or they are not listening.

At best it's a waste of time for you, and for him. At worst you'll end up with stepkids that you resent, and two children will end up having to deal with Daddys Girlfriend who likes uniterrupted adult time and Doesn't Really Like Children, because you panicked at being left on the shelf at 30.

You're not shopping for a car, there are other people involved. He will have a list of his own preferences and dealbreakers, let's hope they haven't ignored him like they have you. He does have a young family, he has an ex wife, that's never going away and there will implications of this on you should he walk in like Ryan Reynolds and you decide he's the man of your dreams and despite the kids you'll work it out one way or another.

I hope you are as honest with him as you have been here with your reservations about his situation and I hope that he recognises it's a non starter, even if you don't.

@GoldDuster - no I do understand what you are saying!

And yea there is deffo an element at panicking on being left on the shelf. But I can't help it. Im not kidding when I say everyone my age is coupled up/married/having families. And everyone I know my age Instagram feed is flooded with pictures of their martial bliss etc/they just seem extremely happy!

It's a bit shit for me. I'm at a loose end

It is my fault for telling the agency that I would only date men with children ( and I explained to them I don't want someone leaving me to have kids with someone else)

But I do In a way feel that it is a tick box excercise with them as they tried to set me up with someone who is very religious and doesn't drink (after me telling them I'm not religious at all and like a drink lol )

everyone I know my age Instagram feed is flooded with pictures of their martial bliss etc/they just seem extremely happy!

It's a bit shit for me. I'm at a loose end

You don't need to believe the hype, or live your life based on other people's Instagram feed. The pressure you're putting on yourself to be on that elevator through life isn't doing you any favours.

It's a bit shit for you? It's also a bit amazing for you, because you're free to do what you want, when you want, you can pursue hobbies and friendships, take yourself off with whoever you want, when you want, you are 30, concentrate on having as much fun as you can, rather than trying to make someones ex husband complete you. It won't. I tell you what will be a bit shit for you, when you're stuck in a relationship with step kids you wish weren't there. That's a bit shit for you, and for them.

If you are so certain that you are not interested in being in a relationship that involves somebody elses children, dating a father of small ones isn't the way to marital bliss and extreme happiness!

Take the pressure off, give yourself permission to live your own life, not a carbon copy of everyone you went to school with/work with. You know that one about it happening when you're least expecting it and busy doing other things? It's true.

@GoldDuster - do you think it is hype or genuine? One of my friends put on Instagram the other day that they have an 'insanely perfect husband' - lots of grinning faces and romantic photos etc...it makes me feel a bit like , shit I've missed the boat! These amazing men are all gone now!

I'm sort of thinking to myself 'that's how amazingly happy everyone else my age is'

I would love to do lots of travelling! But I don't have unlimited funds, so that's another downside to being single at this age. Splitting the cost of things is easier, no doubt about that!

I am looking into booking something/one trip for myself though this year! I do have an illness which means certain holidays aren't suitable ( chronic uti) so it means certain trips like across the USA that I wanted to do are not an option as involves a lot of road travel!

And I know everyone says it happens when you least expect it but I guess I thought I should also be proactive as men won't come knocking on my door either!

Is what you see on Instagram genuine? No. It is not.

Instagram is full of insanely perfect husbands, children, holidays, homes, but it's Instagram, it's not real life. You haven't "missed the boat", there is no boat.

These amazing men are all gone now! Where to? You're not shopping the sales. You don't have to get in there early to bag the best ones, and I will tell you for free from the future, half of these perfect marriages you're looking at will end in divorce.

Try and change your mindset if you can, from having left it too late to snap up an eligable bachelor, to living your life as you, for you, and being happy and complete without a man, because there is no lonelier place than a shit marriage, that I can attest to.

I'll tell you specifically what dating a guy with 50%+ custody with kids that age can be like.

If they work as well and don't have a lot of outside help with childcare/errands, they have a very very busy life and it can get very lonely.

When you say you want date nights/holidays/weekends away... Pretty hard to squeeze that in until the point that you're serious enough to meet the kids and spend time together as a 'family unit', not just the 2 of you.

I love my OH dearly but I'm struggling a lot in our relationship largely for that reason, emotionally he's very present for me via phone and text, but a lot of the time I feel single cos most nights I go to bed alone and we can't do many of the 'normal' couple things that most women our age would like to do with their partners. It probably gets easier once you move in together but in that initial stage you need to be extremely invested in this guy to pull through.

So by all means, go on the date, but keep your options open, be careful not to get sucked in. Sounds like that lifestyle isn't what you're looking for.

As someone with a vile stepmother I completely agree with this.

@WhiteChocMocha - thank you for your message.

I think he would be fairly busy as he runs his own business, I had a little look and it seems quite successful!

And yes I would like plenty of date nights/holidays etc.

When you say you feel lonely and single most nights and go to bed alone...is that due to him having the kids those nights so can't be with you etc? When you say you can't do 'most of the normal things' what do you mean exactly? What age are you/age group are you in if you don't mind me asking?

Sorry for all the questions it's just good to get insight from people who have these experiences 😊

Hey.
Yes basically it's due to him having to prioritise the kids, which is only right and I'm glad he's doing it, mixed in with work as well as it can be long days. Thing is also, if kids are 3 and 6, a lot can happen unexpectedly, it's full-on. For example, he's cancelled our last 2 date nights as he caught a serious infection off the kids - kids this age are ill a lot and parents have to attend to them a lot. I love him to bits but it all just gets too much sometimes, when other people seem to be having easier relationships.

I'm early 30s. And by 'normal things' I mean things like date nights, weekends together, holidays... The way things are right now I can't imagine us having a holiday this year. I'm enthusiastically helping him plan a holiday for him and his kids and actually enjoy that but... initial dating is hard and when it gets more serious, it's just jumping straight into family life if you want more time together.

Much much easier dating someone with a more compatible lifestyle/ priorities if time together is important to you.

If it's an 'every other weekend' situation, might be easier.

@WhiteChocMocha - thank you for your reply! Yea I can see how It's disappointing if dates are cancelled etc but yes I know kids that age get sick a lot so it can't be helped!

I don't think this guy has 50% custody though. The dating agency tells you a bit about him when they arrange the date/match and about hobbies etc. they said he goes out running 5 nights a week with a running club which I'm guessing he couldn't do if he had 50% custody!

That does sound tough, would you not go on holiday with them? Or would you prefer not to, or is it too early days to go away with them all? Hopefully things would get easier/you will feel less single once you guys are living together.

And yea I would like someone who can spend a lot of time together/do spontaneous nights out etc so maybe it won't be for me!

I think I'm going to go on the date anyways though

Op, I don’t want kids, never had any issue with this in any of my relationships (all of which I ended). I’ve been with my current partner for 12 years, he has no desire for them either. I think possibly you’re not completely at peace with your decision not to have them, in that you feel you can’t rather than just don’t want children, if that makes sense? You are maybe seeing it as something you can’t offer, and that makes you less valued somehow? Because of that you’re projecting a little on to these men and situations.

I’ve found many, many men are really not bothered about children but they’ll go along with what the woman wants. So these men you hear of may have been perfectly happy not having children, then their head got turned in a standard cheating way, and the new partner wants children so they’ve gone along with it. It’s very rare that I’ve heard of a man leaving a woman because she didn’t want children, when he hadn’t already had his head turned.

Those men are just bog standard cheats, they would have just as likely left the mother of their children (if there had been one) to enjoy a stress free life with his child free affair partner - after all, you hear about that happening all the time too!

@Naunet - yea you are right there I think! I do feel it's sort of something I can't offer someone, so I'm not of any value to a guy my age! Because that's what he will be looking for

It's reassuring to hear you say you know of many many men who didn't want kids! It's just because I've heard from women older than me that it's very common for a man to leave if a woman can't have kids!

A few of my friends (female) who are in LTR have been saying that their partners (male) are pushing for kids and are the driving force! So thats what makes me nervous about guys my age!

But yes I know people can cheat and leave under any circumstance! But it would be just my luck that I'm the one who will get ditched because they want kids