Looking for some dating advice!

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Looking for some dating advice.

I'm going on a date at the end of feb through a professional dating agency!

I am 30 years old! I have decided not to have children as I have health problems I would not want to pass on etc

I therefore told the dating agency that I would like to meet someone who already has kids. As I have heard (especially a lot on here) of men saying they don't want them then changing their minds and fucking off with someone and having kids. I would rather save myself the heartbreak.

Anyway, the dating agency said that's fine no problem! Matched me with a 39 y/o with a 3 year old and 6 year old!

I think I had kind of hoped for someone with kids older/university age where the kids aren't around as much!

3 &6 are very young! Has anyone any experience of dating someone with such young children? Would you advise to avoid it? Is it not worth it?

Truthfully, I don't have an interest in bringing up someone else's children/taking part in bringing up someone's children! I have heard it's a thankless task!

I know it's only a date etc but I would have to travel a good bit so sort of thinking now, is there any point?

He is separated so must of been married, I think I've also read women saying to be very Cautious of a man who would leave a relationship/such young children....so again is this something to be wary of?

Advice would be much appreciated! I was out of the dating game a very very long time (most of my 20's lol) so last time I was dating it was carefree snogs with other 21 year olds...now it all seems very mature...an almost 40 year old with two kids! I've missed the fun part in the middle!

🙃

A dating agency would find no trouble with an unmarried rule. To not do, just shows how the money they obtain from having separated men is prioritised over any positive results.
Meeting someone for practice, even though they are not a good fit is also a risk as you'd be surprised how easily chemistry can overide common sense. Then, when the differences come in down the line, it's still to get out of and causes misery.
Your idea that a man with older DC would be the ideal needs revision. I'm not saying cut them out as an option, as its a numbers game, but your main focus is still better for men your own age who don't want DC. IME if you have DC, it's far better to to date people who also have DC, they get the commitment and understand that they are the priority. Men who have considered this would be less likely to want to date yourself as an option anyway, and the others just haven't thought it through and figured that out yet . You will be with someone who has work and DC as a priority over you from the start. That's seems easier to deal with in principle, than it is in reality.

I don’t think you will find many men under about 45 with Uni aged kids, most of my friends are 50 + are their kids are now heading off.

@larkstar - I find your message quite offensive. If you are going to write an offensive message perhaps you should read my post properly.

I clearly said I am out of the dating world/out of practice due to I'll health. I developed a serious illness at age 21, couldn't socialise, travel, work or date. I am able to work now in a good job thanks to working from Home!

I didn't want to date as I really struggled With my health and the mental health affects that came along with it. I am trying to slowly build up a life for myself again and it's not easy.

I clearly stated that's why I haven't been dating. Nothing to do elderly parents, I don't have elderly parents! My parents are the ones who have looked after me. Neither was a brought up my grandparents....random assumption to make.

I don't want children as I don't want to pass on my condition. My consultant has told me many people with my condition don't have families due to it, again I said in my first post this is why I don't want kids. Maybe reading it properly would be advisable.

And I know exactly what having a family entails, hence my reluctance to enter into something with someone with kids. I don't think I want to be bothered with the time, effort etc for kids who are not mine.

The agency have told me anyone my age who has signed up is looking to start a family, therefore my only option if I can't do that is to be with someone who already has them. It's not that difficult to understand is it?

Thanks for calling me unworldly though, what a nice insult! 😑

@Zanatdy - yea you got it in one. I'm not really okay with the kids. I just have said someone with kids so they don't leave me to go and have kids with someone else. And yes the two hours away is perhaps not the best thing.

@barmycatmum - you are completely correct in saying that a lot of what I'm worried about is based on anxious future predictions. It's driven

@JorisBonson - yes that is very true! I guess I feel rushed because everyone I know is settled down. And yea I think people are getting fed up with tinder etc so dating agencies are still a thing....haha what is that picture from?!

@Opentooffers - yea I deffo think after reading some reviews, it's all about a numbers game and money for this agency. Which is a shame. There are a lot of bad reviews online which didn't appear until after I had paid them, typical! It is also non refundable. And yes, I've deffo experienced chemistry overriding common sense. It's never pleasant.

My BF is 48 and his youngest is 14, so still very much in the picture/around. Maybe you'd be better looking at someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't want them in the future?

@Minikievs - that would be ideal for me yes. But I just don't know if I will happen. As I said I have heard of so many who 'don't want kids' then bugger off and go and have kids with someone!

I think you should go for a man without kids. Even if they are older they'll still likely be a big part of his life. Sometimes adult kids need just as much support as younger kids.

Any man I've known who's claimed not to want kids has just not wanted kids with that particular woman. I know a woman who's ex didn't want marriage or kids and is now married with kids. I think he just didn't want kids with her.

My DH always said he never wanted tp get married, was with his ex 12 years and they were never married. After 2 months with me he was talking about marriage and we were married within 2 years.

What's your thoughts on marriage? Is it something you're looking for.

I think with any relationship, regardless of whether there's kids, divorce or whatever, there's always a risk that it'll end and you can't plan for every eventuality. I reckon there's more chance of a relationship not working because the man has kids and you're not interested in kids than there is of a man saying he doesn't want kids then leaving to have kids with someone else.

@Laurdo - yes that is my point exactly!

I think if I man says to a woman that he doesn't want kids, It just means they don't want him with her! I have heard of it happening so many times to people.

It would be an awful situation to be in!

And yes your husband not wanting to get married, it was obviously her who he didn't want to marry, then changed his mind when he met you!

Yes, I would like to get married! And yes I know there is always be a risk of something not working out, I guess it's my anxious brain trying to minimise risk.

I think if I man says to a woman that he doesn't want kids, It just means they don't want him with her!

I disagree, a lot of men are childfree by choice, regardless of who they are with. My DH is even getting the snip.

@JorisBonson - I just can't seem to find any of them!

One guy I knew, ultimate player, we all said ' he will never settle down' now married with two kids! If he can change his mind anyone can!

I hope I encounter these men who don't want kids!

Sorry, I meant the type that then go off and have kids with someone else. I don't think they necessarily decided they now want kids, I think they just didn't feel that particular woman was the one to have kids with or they just didn't really feel ready to commit to anyone in any way. Sometimes they just meet the right person and it all clicks into place. Of course people can just change their minds.

I also know loads of guys who don't want kids and no one will ever sway them.

I don't think there's ever any guarantees with anyone kids or not.

@Laurdo

Yea I get you. It's like if a guy says he doesn't want a relationship/Wants something casual, that just means they want something casual with that particular person.

I really hope I meet one of these guys that deffo doesn't want kids but knowing my luck that won't happen lol

I think I am going to go on the date anyway....it's booked now!

And of course I am rather nosey and would like to no why they split/why when the kids were so young/custody etc....is there anyway I can casually work those questions into our dinner or is it too heavy for a first date?!

I'm wondering why you're even considering there will be a second date.... his little children are going nowhere, no matter how many dates you go on.

This is such an interesting insight into how people unwillingly become stepmothers to children they can't stand.

How about on the date, you also ask him:

never being their priority would be a bit shit though

I'm not sure I would want to go on holiday with someone else's children!

Would every evening out really be interrupted by them though? They are young kids so should be in bed by the time we would be heading out anyway

I know he will obviously have to give his ex wife plenty of money

And hopefully for his kids sake, he will run a mile.

What a waste of his time and effort.

@GoldDuster - he will run a mile?!

Have you not read this thread? Most posters are saying , they hated sharing xmas, birthdays, going on holiday, they found even older kids demanding etc!

Not many have said 'oh yes it's been a truly wonderful experience'

@AutisticLegoLover - how is it a waste of his time?! He has agreed to the date! Maybe it will be a waste of my time and money!

Because you don't want a man whose life involves his children so he is going under false pretences. He's been matched with you because you haven't been honest. That's a shitty thing to do. Dating when you have young kids isn't easy as it is, arranging babysitters etc.

@AutisticLegoLover - I don't know if the dating agency has even told him whether I want kids or not

Unfortunately it would transpire that it seems like money is there main goal, so I'm unsure if they have told him what I'm looking for etc

*their

I think you are going to have to risk meeting men your age and the potential that they might originally say they don't want children then panic when they hit mid-forties.

I actually think many many men do not want children - you can see them in the park with their kids, grumpy as fuck!
I can't see that is too difficult to find.

There are no guarantees in life, a partner (male or female) can sod off for a million reasons, not just children.

You need to try and change your mindset and review dating as a mildly entertaining activity, not necessarily the fast-track to meeting your life-long partner (not many of those relationships about these days as women have more freedom and earning potential).

The separated older man with kids who jumps straight on a dating agency's books doesn't sound much of a catch.

Is there a reason you can't imagine just having fun on the dating apps (I don't mean casual sex, unless that's what you want) you can just date and see what happens?

@leftoverwine - that's the potential that I am so worried about! I would be heartbroken if that happened.

I think I feel at a bit of a loose end as everyone is coupled up, and I mean everyone I know! So people spend a lot of weekends etc with their partner

It is deffo harder financially on your own also, especially this year! I know a lot of people find that. Tbh I do think sometimes people pair up to split the cost of things lol

He isn't old, he is 39! And I guess if he knows his relationship is over why wouldn't he want to date? Why do you think it's bad that he joined an agency?

And I'm deffo not adverse to having some fun on dating apps. But the way some of the men from those apps spoke to me was shocking! Like really, really bad! I would rather avoid being spoken to like crap

I've just been listening to a really good podcast about this on BBC. www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/p0b5l9wc?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

I reckon the podcast is on here, so just wanted to say it was absolutely great!

The Podcaster I mean

For older kids you would be looking at men aged 55+! Lots of men are having their first kids in late 30s and through the 40s. Outline your criteria clearly to the agency but in my opinion it looks like quite a hard job already!

This ^^

Tell them you’d also consider men who don’t want children - maybe you’ll meet someone in a similar position to you, or who isn’t able to have children. Better to try those guys out for size than mess around with a guy who has parenting responsibilities you know you don’t want to share. It’s not going to do him or his kids any favours and is a waste of your time too!