Looking for some dating advice!

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Looking for some dating advice.

I'm going on a date at the end of feb through a professional dating agency!

I am 30 years old! I have decided not to have children as I have health problems I would not want to pass on etc

I therefore told the dating agency that I would like to meet someone who already has kids. As I have heard (especially a lot on here) of men saying they don't want them then changing their minds and fucking off with someone and having kids. I would rather save myself the heartbreak.

Anyway, the dating agency said that's fine no problem! Matched me with a 39 y/o with a 3 year old and 6 year old!

I think I had kind of hoped for someone with kids older/university age where the kids aren't around as much!

3 &6 are very young! Has anyone any experience of dating someone with such young children? Would you advise to avoid it? Is it not worth it?

Truthfully, I don't have an interest in bringing up someone else's children/taking part in bringing up someone's children! I have heard it's a thankless task!

I know it's only a date etc but I would have to travel a good bit so sort of thinking now, is there any point?

He is separated so must of been married, I think I've also read women saying to be very Cautious of a man who would leave a relationship/such young children....so again is this something to be wary of?

Advice would be much appreciated! I was out of the dating game a very very long time (most of my 20's lol) so last time I was dating it was carefree snogs with other 21 year olds...now it all seems very mature...an almost 40 year old with two kids! I've missed the fun part in the middle!

🙃

I wouldn't date a separated or a newly-divorced man again. Surprised a dating agency has taken this guy on.

There was a court case a few years in the UK and a woman was repaid her dating agency fee of £12k when the men she was matched with were not at all what she'd asked for! Don't have the link but a google search will find it.

Despite the above, I think you should meet him if only to get in some practice!

which is presumably why you're not going on dates with men with young children...

OP it's a deal breaker I'd spend the evening doing something worthwhile, and wait for someone who doesn't have this glaringly obvious immovable issue from the get go!

Read the Step Parent's board if you want a glimpse into the future, there are hundreds of pissed off unwilling step mothers on there, who met a bloke with kids and one thing led to another, they thought it would be ok, and now they're splitting hairs over who's got the best Christmas tree baubles, or who pays for the crisps. I shit you not.

It seems odd that you would actively want to meet men who has kids if you ae not interested in them - regardless of age

There are many men out there who are sure they don't want kids, they are more common then the ones who want - I've met a lot of them

Also, i was going out with a 50 something man who had a 21 year old daughter - I have never met her but by some of the things he said and going by her behaviour when we were having dinner once (over text message and calls) she seemed like a jealous spoiled brat nit wanting to share dad's attention...it completely put me off because it showed me he had no boundaries with her and would end up bringing drama in the relationship

Adult kids can be hard work too

@GoldDuster - thanks for your reply! The dating agency has said that you can turn down a match but I've done that before and they didn't seem best pleased! I told them in my initial hour long meeting with them that I am not a huge drinker but love going out to nice bars etc for drinks.....so what do they do? Match me with someone very religious who doesn't drink!

I'm starting to see that it's a tick box excercise for them and that they just want to say 'oh well we have you your five matches'

@coodawoodashooda - would you be reluctant to have a blended family with someone? Perfectly understandable!

Yes I was thinking of going just for the night out...the only thing is it's two hours train away from me...BUT I love the City he is from! So I was thinking of making a day/night of it and staying over etc, doing some exploring during the day

If you can treat it as a treat then I'd consider it. I also think that the fact it's a professional dating agency should go in the guy's favour. Does he live in the 2 hours away city? That would alter my perspective too. The logistics would be tricky.

@GoldDuster - your second post made me LOL....when you say fighting over who is paying for the crisps? Do you mean fighting with their husband or his ex wife haha

I would not want to spend Xmas with someone's ex wife that's for sure.

@PositiveIntelligence - I don't think it's odd at all. I have felt that is my only option. As I said, I've heard countless stories of men leaving after 'not wanting kids' I was actually out recently with a group of women older than myself and they said they have seen it happen so many times! So I want to avoid that. The dating agency also told me men my age who don't have kids who have signed up...all want kids, that's why they have signed up to an agency rather than tinder or whatever!

And yea that sounds like hard work and not at all fun! I guess I was hoping adult kids wouldn't be around much but I guess there is always the danger of them moving back home for a long time lol!!

And please point me towards these men who you know who deffo don't want them! I can't find any of them!!

As you suspected, you will mostly find the ones who don't want kids on the apps - - but now I am wondering if this also mean they are emotionally unavailable and not capable of forming a strong romantic bond? This is certainly some of the experiences that I had.

I have an ex that was adamant about no marriage and no kids and after our break up (unrelated to marriage or kids) I stumbled on him on an app declaring his wish to marry and having kids (!) - we were still friends, so I sent him a screenshot of his own profile with laugh emojis and asked what made him change his mind? He wasn't ashamed to say that his dating pool would be wider and he would have more luck if he told what women wanted to hear...and then I was so glad he was an ex.

Good luck and enjoy the ride;)

@coodawoodashooda - yea it would be a nice treat for me.

What do you mean it should go in the guys favour?

Yes he lives in the city! The way it usually works is that there is a 'half way meeting point' but the half way point between where him and I live would require quite a bit of driving and I don't drive! So I said on this occasion I would go to his city! There is an office of my company there also so I could work from that office on the Friday, and make a weekend out of it.

I would love to live in the city he lives in but it is eye wateringly expensive! Big tourist hub!

@PositiveIntelligence - yea they are mostly on the apps and yup there's an awful lot of emotional unavailability from them! I think also they are on the apps because at this moment and time they don't want a relationship/marriage/kids etc but once they do they will completely change! They are perfectly happy to use people in the meantime though!

Yea I guess it goes the other way that there are men who pretend to in order to get what they want

And I do want to enjoy the ride along the way lol I just don't want to get hurt!

I wouldn't rate a dating agency that is happily setting you up with a separated but not divorced man. I've tried it twice and would never go there again, surprising how entwined they still are with their wives lives - too much despite both living in their own places and their DC's all being 18-20's.
They are both still married too, divorce doesn't always follow. I've heard when it does though it can be a rocky time for a new partner, so better for them to already have all that done with.

@Humanswarm - I know bringing up my own children would not be a thankless task but I am concerned I would feel like that about kids that aren't my own! And I know obviously with an older man there is issues with being a career etc, but apart from that what are the main concerns? sorry maybe a stupid question but I'm out of the loop with the dating!

@Opentooffers - I guess the dating agency can't omit separated people though as they are still technically single! But yes those are all points I would be concerned with! You would think if the kids are 18-20 there would be much less interaction between the husband and ex wife!

Of course men who don’t want kids exist! I’ve met plenty of them. I make it very clear on first dates that I don’t want them and honestly I’d say at least 50% of the men I’ve had first dates with said they didn’t want them either. I’m now in a relationship of a year with a man who doesn’t want kids as much as I don’t want them. I can’t see either of us changing our minds, but you can’t live your life on what ifs. The future is impossible to predict. I have dated someone with kids in the past (they were 11 and 13) and hated it, the kids were annoying, having to factor them in to all our plans was annoying, his parenting choices were annoying, going on holiday with them was annoying, you get the picture…never again!

I apologise if what I'm about to write doesn't come across very well but I prefer to get to the point and to express myself honestly. In your own words you have described yourself as naïve, inexperienced, or if the loop with dating - that's fine - that the reality for you - that's there way life turns out for some people but to my reading of what you have written there is something very unworldly about you that goes beyond these statements about yourself. What was your childhood like - were you an only child or have write elderly parents or were brought up by grandparents or... Why have you not been dating? Focus on career, caring for parents? What is it that makes you say you don't want children - what is your experience with children? I do wonder if you have any idea what most families with children - of any age - are like? Children take up a huge amount of time, effort and money ( even if you have the income and the motivation there is no getting away from it - they pretty much dominate family life with the time they take up - you seem not to understand that - am I right in any way or completely wrong? I'm thinking that maybe you need to look for someone who might have arrived at a similar place in life to yourself, possibly, although not necessarily, for similar reasons. If you are clear you don't want children that's fine - I have to say that my 29 year old daughter caught me by surprise when she announced she was pregnant - I really wasn't expecting that given all the effort she has put into her career so far - it really wasn't something she talked about - starting a family - I loved being a dad and wanted children more than my wife and took time out of my career 4 times for periods of a few years to be completely present in their lives when I felt it important but even I thought - given the state of the world - I could really understand people not wanting to bring kids into the world. As @PositiveIntelligence said

"It seems odd that you would actively want to meet men who have kids if you are not interested in them - regardless of age"

I also find this very odd.

If you are paying for the services of an agency then you should really be explaining to them exactly what you are and are not looking for (or what you think initially - it could change once you get deeper into this process of finding a partner) - what are you expecting from a man without children or without the wish for children - is it that he is totally undistracted and focused on you and your relationship - if it is that's fine - that's what you ought to explain to the agency. On MN I have probably seen more posts about men who supposedly told their partners that they wanted kids, but for one reason or another, now was never the right time - and then they turn around and say that really - they don't want kids - heartbreaking for the women involved IMHO who really did want to start a family with the person they have committed to and in the relationship they have completely invested in.

If it's not too late I think it might be fairer to everyone if you cancelled this date and went back for a fresh discussion about what you are looking for - I think you might have misled the agency (and hence some potential dates) and confused yourself. You don't seem to me to have thought about the range of possible real situations that man with children may be in - he may have a good job, may live in an expensive area but maybe he has little free time or disposable income due to the demands of work and caring for his children, possibly financially supporting his ex partner/mother of his children - perhaps he is working flat out or a workaholic just to keep his life afloat. What do you want from a relationship that doesn't involve kids - do you want to travel a lot for instance or are you driven to achieve things in your career and possibly expect it wasn't that from a partner? Apologies if you said something that I have obviously not paid attention to.

Heck - damn autocorrect - sorry for the typos above.

My DH and I don't have children (mid 50's), and a lot of our friends don't either. Like attracting like maybe? But there are plenty of us around.

OP, I think you have to search your heart for what you really want. You say ideally you would have wanted children of your own. While stepparenting has its challenges, it would also allow you to be a (step) parent without passing on your genes if that is your concern. And younger children would most likely allow you to form a closer bond with them. Although there would be adjustments and sacrifices to make.

I'd say if the guys you are matched with tick all your other boxes, go for it.

The biggest red flag here is that he is not even divorced yet. Don’t go there, OP. It’s so so messy.
as for the no kids thing, why not ask for what you want, rather than modifying it to what you think you can get based on stories? These are just stories - and life doesn’t fall into neatly packaged predictable stories like that.

Go ahead and meet him for the experience - it’s good to discover things not based on anxious future predictions. I just see you wanting to figure out things ahead of time, which seems like an anxiety thing; it would be better to trust yourself that you can deal with what comes up.

even relationships that have to end have value - they have a lot to teach us. Go for it , and ask for what you truly want.

the separated, not divorced thing is horrid, though- basically, this man is still married.

You say
You dont want to be 2nd best to him
You dont want to share meals out with them
You dont want to go on holiday with them

What happens if in the very near future he gains full custody of them?

I dont think you should be with a man with kids at all !!

I’m dating a 49yr old with 2 kids of 11 & 6. I knew he had kids when I went on date 1 as he’s a colleague (or was). I didn’t know he had custody. I did think long and hard about it, as mine are teens / left home so I’m at a different phase of my life. It definitely wouldn’t have been in my 10yr plan that’s for sure, but I already liked him a lot even before date 1 so I just decided to go with it. Only 3 months in, not met kids yet but it’s tough trying to find time. In your position I’d ask them to set you up with someone with older kids. Then again it will depend how often he see’s them, for example every other weekend is different to 100% custody like my situation.

Reading all your posts I think you should cancel the date. Presume the guy isn’t going to want a partner who doesn’t want to go on holiday with his kids. He’s going to assume you’re fine with kids. But you’re not really, you just want them to have kids so they don’t leave you for someone who wants kids. I wouldn’t want to have a relationship with someone who found my kids an inconvenience. Also 2hrs to his city, how will that work? That’s a lot of travelling when dating.

No not really. The arrangement is week on week off so we have a whole week without the kids to do whatever we want. The wee ones in bed by 7pm and the teens are usually in their rooms glued to their computers or out with friends so we get plenty of time together. We've also been on holiday without the kids. Just need to put in notice with the mum or arrange other childcare.

This dating agency arnt all that ! They’ve matched you with Someone with a raw divorce, likely a fuck ton of baggage 🧳, and two babies !

the simple fact is many men also don’t want have kids , they truly exist

OR are a bit older and their kids are more Independant

id revise parameters

Bit also your risk analysis assumes anyone who doesn’t want kids will change their mind

is that really a greater risk than taking on a parent with their own huge commitments ?

This.

I don't want children and don't like spending time with them, so didn't settle with anyone who wanted / had them. If that had meant being single I would have stayed single. What's the point in being in a relationship that doesn't fulfil what you want?

You're only 30, why the rush?

Side note, I can't believe dating agencies are still a thing in this day and age! Made me think of this 😅

@WitheringTights000 One guy among my friendship/family group possibly fits your needs - one adult (estranged) child - the downside is that he has many hobbies diving, sailing and going to the gym - he's the most boring selfish, self obsessed and mean/tight person I know - the only things he's interested in talking about are money and holidays.