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Original poster

This isn’t normal, is it? Partner doesn’t want to spend any time with me.

120 replies

Komboocha · 07/02/2023 22:22

I feel really lonely living with my partner and I don’t think that our setup is ‘normal’, but he thinks I’m being silly and needy.

So in the evenings he prefers to do his own thing. If I ever ask to spend time together he complains and spends the whole evening looking bored and annoyed like it’s a chore that he has to do and he’d rather be gaming. I’m even happy to play games with him but he only plays a single player game and gets very snappy if anyone tries to talk to him when he’s on it.

He hates the idea of going to bed at the same time, he’d rather fall asleep alone or come up after I’ve gone to sleep because he hates being disturbed when he’s trying to fall asleep. He doesn’t want to go out anywhere together and thinks that he should have his friends and I should have my friends to go out with, no going out in groups or inviting a few friends over for drinks. Weekend mornings he just sits in bed staring at his phone and doesn’t acknowledge me at all.

We never actually spend ANY time together at all, apart from having sex a few times a week during the day. Weirdly though, he messages me CONSTANTLY. When we’re in different rooms we chat all day long over Facebook messenger. When we’re at work or I’m out somewhere he rings me several times a day to chat. It feels like a long distance relationship even though he lives in the same house, it’s so weird!

But he honestly thinks that I’m being needy and when I explain that I’m not happy and that it makes me feel lonely he says ‘we’re not teenagers, we don’t have to live in each others pockets you know’. He’s had one previous serious relationship and apparently this is exactly why they broke up - he said that she was bossy and demanding🙄

We’ve been together a few years now but only actually lived together for about 8 months. Before we moved in together he used to stay at mine most weekends then we’d just message and FaceTime the rest of the week so these issues are only just coming to light.

I’m struggling to get some perspective because I’m fairly young (mid twenties) and both my last relationships were the teenage type where you’re glued together 24/7. But surely most people watch some Tv in the evenings with their partner, have a cuddle in bed at night sometimes, eat meals together etc?

I’m honestly thinking about ending the relationship, which is a real shame because I adore this man when he actually bothers being present.

OP posts:
RedHead33 · 07/02/2023 22:28

You're not being needy. Just sounds like you want the bare minimum and normal time together. He sounds like he's checking out slightly but I don't understand why he's constantly messaging you...seems a bit strange considering how he's treating you in person. It sounds like you can do better x

category12 · 07/02/2023 22:28

Yeah, break up with him. You're lonely. You live with the guy and you're lonely. It's not right.

He was only a decent boyfriend for living apart.

There's no future in this unless you settle for being lonely and miserable.

Youpillock · 07/02/2023 22:35

Please don't waste your precious youth on an emotionally unavailable man. You should be happy, excited about the future, enjoying spending time together, not agonising about his behaviour. He obviously isn't going to change, so you must decide whether what he's offering is enough for you. Stop asking him to change. You're wasting your breath. Just make your own decision based on who he is now. Ps, the right answer is to leave him to his gaming and start again by yourself. Best foot forward!!

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 07/02/2023 22:36

Really not normal. Time to move on, sadly.

babytum · 07/02/2023 22:40

That’s a sad and lonely existence. I think you know it’s so abnormal that it can’t be rationalized away

TheShellBeach · 07/02/2023 22:41

Sorry OP.
This is an emotionally unsatisfying relationship and it would be best to end it. You're not asking for the moon.
My husband and I spend most of our time together and we've been a couple for many years.

Dery · 07/02/2023 22:45

No, it’s not normal. My husband and I have been together over 20 years: we have some separate activities and friendships but we mostly do things together.

givingupchocolatemonday · 07/02/2023 22:46

Life is too short for such a mundane relationship. Mid 20s go and bag a man that's obsessed with you

Copperoliverbear · 07/02/2023 22:47

Don't waste your life move on x

SheldonsShoulder · 07/02/2023 22:50

I’ve been in your position. It’s a hard truth to accept but he’s just not that into you. He clearly doesn’t want to be single/alone but doesn’t enjoy spending time with you which he absolutely should do. It’s not a healthy relationship and you can’t change him. You need to end it.

Original poster
Komboocha · 07/02/2023 22:51

Thanks all! I was expecting it to be a 50/50 response with some telling me that not every relationship has to be all lovey-dovey.

Since I’ve never had a ‘real’ relationship before and DP has been so insistent that all men act the way that he acts I am a bit worried that there’s no point bothering to date again. I’m happy enough on my own but obviously would love to settle down one day!

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 07/02/2023 22:56

I’m honestly thinking about ending the relationship

Do it.

This isn't how it needs to be, stop flogging a dead horse and set yourself free.

Original poster
Komboocha · 07/02/2023 22:56

SheldonsShoulder · 07/02/2023 22:50

I’ve been in your position. It’s a hard truth to accept but he’s just not that into you. He clearly doesn’t want to be single/alone but doesn’t enjoy spending time with you which he absolutely should do. It’s not a healthy relationship and you can’t change him. You need to end it.

I’m certain that’s it’s not about not being into me or not enjoying spending time with me specifically, I think it’s genuinely just his personality. He’s puzzled whenever I bring it up, and he thinks it’s weird to want to do things any differently.

He is on a waiting list for an ADHD inattentive-type assessment for different reasons, I’m not sure if it could be linked to that if it does turn out that he has it.

OP posts:
WalterWitty · 07/02/2023 22:57

Pathetic manchild trying to make you believe you’re the one with issues and has you even questioning yourself? Ask yourself this, do you genuinely think any of your friends would be happy with this set up? No. No is the answer.

He sounds awfully selfish and this will only escalate into other areas seeing as he’s just started this now after all the time you’ve been together.

Dread to ask what he’s like at the devision of chores.

Make plans to leave and get out while you’re young, he may not even notice until he realises he hasn’t had sex in a week…

GoldDuster · 07/02/2023 22:59

It doesn't really matter what the reason is, don't wase your energy trying to work it out. He's not for you, he wouldn't be for most people, there might be someone out there who wants this set up, but there nothing wrong with feeling very sure that it's not you!

VanillaImpulse · 07/02/2023 23:00

Stop replying to his messages too and say if he wants to speak to you he can do it in person!

justasking111 · 07/02/2023 23:05

VanillaImpulse · 07/02/2023 23:00

Stop replying to his messages too and say if he wants to speak to you he can do it in person!

I was just thinking that. If you chat all day, what's left to say in the evening? So it's sex and gaming time.

Singsong60 · 07/02/2023 23:06

Can you just imagine what this situation would be like if there were kids involved?
Everything absolutely everything to do with the kids would be completely left to you while still having the drudgery of having him in your life dragging you down as well.

caringcarer · 07/02/2023 23:06

Weekends DH and I spend a lot of time together. Some watching football on TV, sharing cooking a meal, he chops up veg for me as I cook. We eat together even though different meals as he is veggie and I'm not. Sometimes we shop for food together. Go out for meal together or both go to drop off child to activity so we can chat whilst we wait. DH sometimes goes out with friends or colleagues for a drink or sport. I sometimes go out with my sister or friends. Sometimes we go out together for a drink or two meet friends. Sometimes we are both at home but he might be in living room etching rugby on TV and might be in shower or in bedroom doing my nails. Sometimes he walks dogs but occasionally we both go. I think this is all normal. I would not be happy alone whilst partner gamed all of the time. I wouldn't feel loved.

BritInAus · 07/02/2023 23:10

This is so far from normal I can't even begin to say! No, most couples don't spend 24/7 together... but they also don't message constantly within the same house!

And even if it was 'normal', it isn't making you happy - so why stay? You have 3 options: be much happier alone, be much happier with someone decent, or stay and be unhappy and lonely in your own home.

He honestly sounds like a teenager gaming all evening. The only thing he does with you is sex.

Zipps · 07/02/2023 23:13

You are almost on your own already. Might as well set you both free. He will make a fuss if you do finish it because he's got what he wants but you will never have what you want with him.
You definitely aren't needy, you are in a relationship and the whole point is to do some things as a couple.

Crazycatladyy · 07/02/2023 23:16

If that's the sort or relationship he wanted, he should not have moved in. Its also worrying that when you're out he constantly messages or calls you but ignores you if you're in the next room.

TheShellBeach · 07/02/2023 23:17

He honestly sounds like a teenager gaming all evening. The only thing he does with you is sex.*

Yep.

MargaritMargo · 07/02/2023 23:20

Whether it’s just “his personality” or because he’s just not really into you is basically irrelevant at this point because you’re not happy and you’re not fulfilled. Very few people would be in your shoes.

Of course it’s not normal to sit in different rooms every evening and not go to bed together, only having sex during the day because he prefers to be alone post 6pm!!!

Sure, having alone time and separate interests is normal and healthy but the point of our intimate relationships is that we have a partner for our life beyond friendships, some one we share intimacy with - physically, emotionally etc. You may as well just be flatmates who have the occasional shag - well no in fact if you were flat mates you’d probably have the odd pizza and movie night together!

As a pp said up post - don’t waste your 20s with someone who isn’t clambering over themselves to spend time with you!

OrlandointheWilderness · 07/02/2023 23:20

It's certainly not the case that all men act this way! My DP and I spend time together, if one of us needs to shop generally we'll wait and go together. We'll chat in the kitchen when cooking or just enjoy sitting together at night. Even if one of us goes to bed first it's a rare event, and we'll always wake up, check in and have a cuddle. Because we love each other and want to be together.

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