This isn’t normal, is it? Partner doesn’t want to spend any time with me.

[Komboocha]

I feel really lonely living with my partner and I don’t think that our setup is ‘normal’, but he thinks I’m being silly and needy.

So in the evenings he prefers to do his own thing. If I ever ask to spend time together he complains and spends the whole evening looking bored and annoyed like it’s a chore that he has to do and he’d rather be gaming. I’m even happy to play games with him but he only plays a single player game and gets very snappy if anyone tries to talk to him when he’s on it.

He hates the idea of going to bed at the same time, he’d rather fall asleep alone or come up after I’ve gone to sleep because he hates being disturbed when he’s trying to fall asleep. He doesn’t want to go out anywhere together and thinks that he should have his friends and I should have my friends to go out with, no going out in groups or inviting a few friends over for drinks. Weekend mornings he just sits in bed staring at his phone and doesn’t acknowledge me at all.

We never actually spend ANY time together at all, apart from having sex a few times a week during the day. Weirdly though, he messages me CONSTANTLY. When we’re in different rooms we chat all day long over Facebook messenger. When we’re at work or I’m out somewhere he rings me several times a day to chat. It feels like a long distance relationship even though he lives in the same house, it’s so weird!

But he honestly thinks that I’m being needy and when I explain that I’m not happy and that it makes me feel lonely he says ‘we’re not teenagers, we don’t have to live in each others pockets you know’. He’s had one previous serious relationship and apparently this is exactly why they broke up - he said that she was bossy and demanding🙄

We’ve been together a few years now but only actually lived together for about 8 months. Before we moved in together he used to stay at mine most weekends then we’d just message and FaceTime the rest of the week so these issues are only just coming to light.

I’m struggling to get some perspective because I’m fairly young (mid twenties) and both my last relationships were the teenage type where you’re glued together 24/7. But surely most people watch some Tv in the evenings with their partner, have a cuddle in bed at night sometimes, eat meals together etc?

I’m honestly thinking about ending the relationship, which is a real shame because I adore this man when he actually bothers being present.

Ooh, he's the dream boyfriend from the other thread where the OP wanted to find someone up for going out once every 2 months and have a bit of sex, but not see them in between! Pass him over to her, OP!

Eurgh. He sounds like a neckbeard. Send him back to Reddit, I think that’s where his kind generally lurk.

And I agree with a previous poster, make sure the next one has left video games back in adolescence where they belong. Onward and upward, OP!

It sounds like he might be neurodiverse and have social communication and sensory issue.

This was exactly my thoughts.

What a giant pile of shit

’a man needs time to settle his mind’ ?
Having in person conversations with the person you live with is adult behaviour.

‘unhealthy to sink your sleeping pattern’? I have no idea what you are on about- I assume you mean ‘synch’ ? There is balance to be had. Feeling obliged to follow someone else’s schedule isn’t right, but actively avoiding someone is cruel

If he's that hooked on gaming I'd give him up.

If he can't make time for you now what will happen if you have children?

I just see a very lonely life for you with you doing the grunt work whilst he games

He sounds like a child

When he meets someone that he is genuinely crazy about, I assure you his ‘personality’ will change.

Obviously it's difficult to assess any given situation from a short one sided snapshot, but here goes.
Your BF seems to lack emotional intelligence (or is emotionally stunted). He has a girlfriend, because thats "what you do". If you asked him to clarify why he has a GF, other than sex, I believe he would struggle to provide any other reasons.
To him a GF is an addition / an appendage, not a partner.

Hmm I was feeling like this a while ago, although my hubby doesn't game. I tested the water a bit to see if I made myself less available how he might react, and it actually did work tbh. Maybe just try not being around him and less responsive on text, keep busy with a hobby etc (don't tell him but make it obvious you're occupied and happy being occupied). If things don't improve then yeah, time to move on maybe x

I'm also thinking he's getting all the news and events of the day from you via text during the day, so there's nothing further to talk about in the evening.

Hope it works out for you x

@BigSwingingJeremyClarkson

Most of us have also thankfully come a long way since using

a man has needs

as an excuse for shitty unacceptable behaviour within a relationship. Don't encourage OP to lower her standards.

@BigSwingingJeremyClarkson are you a bot from the 1950's?
No, she shouldn't make special allowances (whatever they are) and make herself stay in a relationship that doesn't fulfil (her normal healthy needs). It isn't needy to want to speak to your partner, messaging on a device throughout the day and not speaking face to face is not a normal way to communicate.
He gets to game in his free time and shag the OP around his gaming schedule, he must feel like the cat that got the cream 🙄

Sounds like a good decision to end the relationship. He may or may not be neuro-diverse but, for me, my main concern would be that he says all men are the same to close the conversation down. He hasn't shown any serious consideration of your feelings and needs and no intent to change..

Maybe he quietly thinks all women are same and that's not flattering to anyone, is it?

If he hasn't seen the need to do things differently so far I would be very cautious if he turns around in a panic and declares he'll change rather than lose you.

I wonder is your partner Libra? My husband is 50% like that:).

Some people are genetically on the autistic spectrum too.

For what it's worth re: the ADHD, your posts did make me wonder if he is neurodivergent.

But regardless of if he is, this will be your life if nothing changes and it doesn't sound like he's willing to make those changes.

My DP has ADHD and he can struggle with empathy and communication sometimes, but we do lots of things together. Every day.

Sorry OP. It sounds hard to live like that :(

This man has absolutely no idea how to do relationships, and is more interested in his silly gaming. Leave him to it.

@Successgirl2022
It wouldn't matter to me if he's a Libra, or a cream bun, or an alien from mars whatever excuse or label you can put it down to, if it's not for you, then you end it.

@BigSwingingJeremyClarkson

We’ve come a long way since we tried to fit everyone into the same communication box.

The irony...

ND or not, his needs don't automatically take priority.

No it's not normal. But tbh that doesn't really matter. It's not what you want, you're not happy and there's no prospect of change, so end it.

Tbh the post above about 'men have needs' about separate time made me laugh like a drain. I like some separate time in a relationship and some solo activities, and there are a number of men out there who loathe being alone and cling like bloody barnacles. It's good to hear you plan some time alone, as it might be too easy to find yourself with one of those just out of reaction.

He is on a waiting list for an ADHD inattentive-type assessment for different reasons, I’m not sure if it could be linked to that if it does turn out that he has it.

That's irrelevant. His behaviour, ADHD or not, doesn't make YOU happy.

Why would you hang around until a potential diagnoses? You'd probably feel like you couldn't leave him because "his ADHD" is the problem.

I can tell you without hesitation that all men do NOT act like this. Good to hear that you've decided to end it. He's not necessarily a bad guy, he's just not right for you (or 95% of the female population by the sounds of it!)

🤣🤣🤣